Female Of The Species

email addresses

2007-03-13T09:08:00.000Z

So I've got email addresses for most of you and you'll all be getting an email with the password very soon.

Lady - I need your email address, sweetie - and also whoever jsull28....etc etc is, if you send me a quick email to *edited* and let me know roughly who you are then I'll send you the password.

JD, oh my, I'm confused with the whole template thing!

And just in case anyone is late to the party and missed yesterdays post - I've gone somewhere else now, email me for the password.

thank you

2007-03-12T23:38:00.000Z

Thanks to Lu and JD's Rose for your really lovely offers of help in moving my template across to wordpress. I already have a wordpress account, so if either - or both - of you would email me and let me know what I need to do then I'd be really very grateful.

There's such a lot that I can't really say here - not when I have no way of keeping an eye on who is reading. Oh, one thing that I did want to clarify though, just to stop any incorrect assumptions being made. I've told ~S~ that I'm blogging again and have told her that I'm happy for her to read. That applies even when I move to wordpress and become password protected. I'm not hiding from ~S~, I'm not trying to deny the relationship we had, which was - for me at least - definitive and life-changing.

So, I'm off to make a post on wordpress - email me for the password if you are interested in reading. Oh, and please don't do what I do and get all shy on me - if you want to read then please just say so. I'm actually unlikely to say no, but my reasons for wanting password protection will become apparant once I'm over there. Make sense? Thought not...

So, this is where I'm at...

The first post is up, join me when you're ready...

guitar girl and the art of falling

2007-03-12T14:20:00.000Z

So, I appear to be dating.

How did that happen?

The last six months have been a rollercoaster, to say the very least, and I promise to explain a little more about things in that regard as I get back into the blogging swing of things.

But. The dating. Curiously - or not - I've been asked out quite a few times. It has been, and still is fun - but with a bittersweet twist which you will understand in due course. But back in February I met someone on a night out and since then I've seen her pretty much every weekend, and occasionally a couple of times during the week too. She's nice. Talented, clever, witty and amusing. I don't know though - I mean, I do really like her but there's just something that's not quite there. A little something indefinably conspicuous in it's absence. The main problem now being that I strongly suspect she is about to fall for me, if she hasn't done so already.

Oh, she hasn't said it yet - at least not in so many words. But on Saturday afternoon, whilst out shopping together, she jokingly commented that she could fall in love with me all over again. I demured, and laughed sweetly. Sunday morning, lying in her arms, I felt her trace something on my back with her fingertips. I asked what it was, she traced it again and I claimed I still couldn't work it out. I don't want her to say it, I don't want to be in the awkward position of not being able to say it back. I think she knows this.

But the apple is always eaten. We always fall...

On a slightly different note - and on the topic of privacy. I've opened up a wordpress blog, simply so that I can share stuff that might be a little too delicate and personal for public consumption. I hope this won't confuse anyone. I'll post primarily here, but will link to wordpress for any private posts - which will be password protected. If you're a regular reader, or an old friend, then please feel free to email me for the password, which I will happily provide. I don't want to go completely private for my blog, nor do I want to switch completely to wordpress - unless someone can tell me how to get my pretty template over there. Yes, it's a girl thing, I love my template and don't want to lose it. So, for me, this is the most workable compromise.

returning

2007-03-07T12:23:00.000Z

Yes, it's true.

I'll be back, very soon

no more

2006-12-12T16:03:00.000Z

Those of you that want to keep in touch with me, my email address is on the side.

I won't be sharing any more of myself through this blog.

I'm sorry

2006-11-20T22:25:00.000Z

Some of you already know a little of what has been happening over the last couple of weeks. To those of you that have supported ~S~ and that continue to support her, my heartfelt thanks.

It is not my intention to try to explain anything right here or right now - that will happen in due course, but I have to give ~S~ the courtesy of speaking first.

Thank you for all your support over the last 14 months, I appreciate it more than I can say.

17 (just some Stuff and nonsense)

2006-10-15T09:09:00.000+01:00

Strop and Tink think my life is incomplete without a man in it. They want me to have a boyfriend.

This has come about because XH broke the news to them yesterday that he has a new girlfriend. Apparantly she has long blonde hair, is almost 1o years younger than him and it's 'serious'.

I've known about Stuff (as she will hereafter be known) for a little while. In fact I knew before he told me. I knew the night he wrote off his car after driving in his usual reckless manner. That is a post all on it's own, believe you me. When I enquired, genuinely concerned, how he was going to get home from the lonely, deserted road (his car still spinning on it's roof in a ditch), I was told that a 'friend' was going to give him a lift. Credit me with some intelligence will you, I know ALL your friends so using such a vague term is obviously going to flag up little flashing 'new woman' lights. I thought it quite amusing that he was keeping her existence a secret from me.

However, when our mobile phone company called me about a month later (both phone contracts are in my name) to tell me that they were 'concerned' about the level of calls on the contract he uses, and that there had been an escalation in the bill from 25 to almost 400 (that's English pounds) in the course of a month, and since I knew that he hadn't been calling the girls, my suspicions were confirmed. Call me twisted, but I did gain just a little pleasure from calling him to inform him of his astronomical bill. Yes, I did draw it out just a little by telling him to claim the calls back from his employers since he must have been using the phone for business purposes. Yes, I did smile to myself when the word 'fuck' slipped out of his mouth.

He met Stuff on a blind date, so it seems, and it seems they are serious. On the one hand I am happy for him (not least since it takes the pressure off me) but on the other hand I am rapidly discovering that he can effortlessly sideline his daughters - supposedly the most important people in his life - to spend time with Stuff. Doubtless I will rant about this again in the future, I don't think it's going to go away.

Anyway, out of respect to him, I didn't tell the girls about Stuff. He said he had no plans to introduce them to each other for quite a while. He also slipped up and said that Stuff didn't want to meet them yet anyway. I will try to ignore the warning bells that go off in my mind at that comment, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now. So, I maintained a discreet silence about Stuff, and also studiously ignored the numerous little digs about how he is now 'sleep deprived'. Men. Base.

I'm not going to rant today about the way he now lies about his whereabouts so that he can spend time with her instead of spending time with his daughters (whom, incidentally, he hasn't seen for 21 days now), nor will I rant about the way he has cut short the week he planned to spend with them at half-term (it's now only going to be 4 days) citing the fact that a week will be 'too much' for him. Nothing to do with the fact that he plans instead to spend a few days taking her away, something he can do any weekend he chooses whereas the girls only have limited time with him because of that little committment called school.

Stop me ranting, please. I sound bitter and that's not me at all. I'm just shocked at the speed with which he can casually slip them aside.

I'm digressing now (don't I always) . Yesterday he told Strop and Tink about Stuff. Tink wanted to know how old Stuff was and called him last night specifically to ask him, a question he tried hard to evade but Tink is persistent. I could almost hear him squirming - clearly he is a little sheepish about the almost-10-year age gap since she had to ask him several times. Tink is not a child to be put off easily.

The girls seem to be fine about this new relationship. Strop cleverly observed that maybe 'dad won't be quite so bad tempered now'.

However, it has raised a previously non existent thought in their minds and they now are of the opinion that I should have a boyfriend. This raises a whole mass of possibilities. I reassured them that I was, in fact, quite content without a man in my life. MCat is more than man enough for me. Actually, that's not strictly true since MCat is without two little appendages, but he does have a male presence and that will do.

Not to be distracted by a mere cat, the girls continue on their mission, Strop even suggesting that I try match.com. Joking around that everyone now has girlfriends, I threw out the very very very casual suggestion that maybe I should get a girlfriend instead. They laughed and said no way. So, a little more blatantly I commented that there was no way I could have a boyfriend since ~S~ was coming back to live with us.

That did the trick, they are both quite pacified now. I can't have a girlfriend but I can have ~S~

I'm more than happy with that arrangement.

11 (no porridge today)

2006-10-09T17:48:00.000+01:00

I had a post all lined up for today. It was half done, saved neatly in drafts waiting to be completed.

Whilst waiting for dinner to cook I found myself, unusually, with half an hour to spare. The girls were playing together and for once it seemed not to involve bloodshed, MCat was fed and contented, dinner was taking care of itself. I was browsing a few blogs and happened to visit my site meter, followed a link I hadn't seen before and discovered this.

I'm strangely pleased about this little mention, pleased at having been noticed. It's strangely ironic though, in it's own little way, because it coincides with the very day that I decide to lessen up on the angsty, emotional posts in case everyone gets bored.

The angst is still there, all the emotion is still there and we are still banging our heads against the proverbial brick wall. Suggestions are offered, hope is dangled like a temptingly crisp carrot but just as we get close enough to nibble it falls off the string into a puddle of mud.

That's where we're at right now, thank you to Zero Boss for the shout out, I'm easily pleased in some respects.

11 (an act of faith, not intended to offend)

2006-10-09T09:36:00.000+01:00

It's going to be a curious old day.

I've decided to have porridge for breakfast but I'm too lazy to mess up a pan making it so have called the microwave into duty. It's a tenuous thing, making porridge in a microwave. An act of faith. I don't measure so getting the ratio of oats to milk is always exciting. Get it right and you have a warm, full tummy and a 'Ready Brek' glow. Get it wrong and you'll be rendered unable to move, struck down by a lead weight. Either that or you've just created some very handy wallpaper paste. My porridge worked this morning, but it has taken several stunted minutes in the microwave - cleaning a microwave is so much worse than washing a pan - and I have burnt fingers. It doesn't ever tell you how to get the damn bowl out does it? Yes, I have oven gloves but this is a bowl of porridge, I refuse to arm myself against it.

But the porridge is good.

This afternoon I have a treat ahead of me. Harvest festival at school. I'm ashamed to say that I spent a few minutes this morning forewarning the girls that I might not be there, due to 'work committments'. Tink, however, is singing - something about lovely conkers I do believe, and is keen for my attendance.

10 (a tale of privacy and pretty trains)

2006-10-08T18:43:00.000+01:00

I've made a momentous decision today.

I've decided to talk about my life a bit more. This decision came about for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, the lack of dialogue about my life was initially to preserve my privacy due to my married state. The married state technically still exists but now that we're in separate houses and now that he is dating again (that's a topic for another post) I'm not quite so stressed.

Secondly, I always thought my life was dull. It seems not though - chatting to a colleague the other day and regaling her with the latest crisis to hit my life (another bank fraud and someone hitting my car) she just laughed and said my life was like a soap opera. I think I'd rather be Coronation Street than EastEnders though - just a Northern thing.

Thirdly, I've been reading funny blogs. One funny blog in particular. This one. I don't normally make a song and dance about blogs I read - I just quietly read and occasionally comment and pop a link in my ever-growing sidebar but this one I really like. She makes me laugh out loud. I want to be funny like her *pouts and strops* I've a long way to go, I think.

So, on with the show......

I'd promised the girls I would take them shopping today - not something for the faint-hearted. Strop, the eldest one, has been growing like the proverbial tree. Okay more like a shrub if I'm honest, but a quick trip through her wardrobe revealed a distinct lack of clothes that actually fit her. Tink's wardrobe (she's the littlest one) is bulging at the seams - she has the advantage of being tiny, and getting masses of lovely hand-me-downs, but I could hardly leave her at home could I? I mean, the idea was tempting - I've taken Tink shopping before and I know how it goes - but I doubt Social Services would view it kindly. Besides which, I would really like the house to be standing when I get home and leaving Tink unattended for anything longer than 30 seconds usually guarantees some kind of destruction.

So off we set. We're off into The City. This is big for me, I hate The City with a passion. However, since The City houses a big cheap shop (remember, I'm a single parent now, cheap is good) I decided to bite the bullet. Driving into The City is a no-no though. I don't like it and I won't do it and that's all there is to it. Besides, there' s a perfectly adequate and occasionally efficient train service into The City, so we'll take the train.

The girls are excited, Tink in particular. For the first time in years they are ready to go before me. So much before me that in fact I'm still in bed when they appear, dressed and eager to go.

Half an hour later, reluctantly dressed (black and pink jammies are hardly City attire) we're at the train station. The train is due in ten minutes and the platform already holds quite a few prospective travellers. Now at this juncture it would be worthwhile me telling you that Tink is cute. Not just cute in a cute-looking-kid way (although she is that too) but cute in a smart-and funny-and-engaging way. She regularly draws people in with her charm. Tiring but cute. So we're on the platform and Tink is skipping about looking for the train.

Tink: Mum, where will the train come from?

Me: That direction, sweetie (pointing up the track)

Tink: Where will it go?

Me: That direction, sweetie (pointing down the track)

Middle-aged couple waiting at the side of us have already been drawn in by Tink and are listening and smiling to themselves. It never takes long.

Tink: What colour is the train, mum?

Me: I have no idea but I think it might be blue

Tink: I don't want a blue train

Me: Well, sweetie, you might not have a choice.

Tink: But I want a pink train

Me: I doubt it will be pink

Tink: But why not?

Me: I don't think they make pink trains

Tink: Well they should

Middle-aged couple are clearly highly amused by this exchange.

Tink: Pink and purple would be nice

Me: Sweetie, I really don't think the train will be pink and purple. As much as you would love it, I doubt they will paint it pink and purple just for you

Tink: I bet it is

The distant rumble of a train alerts us all and we look expectantly up the track

Me: Let's see what colour it is then....

Tink: It's pink, it's pink, I told you it was pink!

Me: No, darling I don't think it's.....

You guessed it, the train was pink with purple stripes. I will never hear the end of this.

8

2006-10-06T10:18:00.000+01:00

A week ago today I had just left the airport. Almost to the minute.

She was standing in the queue for security, I wasn't allowed to go any further with her. The queue snaked around several times - I could have stood and watched until she disappeared through the double doors at the end but my heart couldn't bear it.

Hundreds, if not thousands of people thronged through the airport that morning. Everyone I could see looked happy - most of them eagerly anticipating holidays, weekends away, business trips. I watched them through blurred eyes, fighting back the tears from the moment we left the car.

She stood in front of me, sadness etched across her face. Tears ran unchecked down mine. All we could do was hold each other. I so desperately wanted to kiss her, just feel her lips on mine one more time. One more time would have never been enough.

When she turned from me and walked to the end of the queue I stood for a moment and watched her, biting my lip to stop the tears turning into sobs. I watched the back of her disappear into a crowd of people before making myself walk out of the airport and back to the car, trying desperately to hold it together until I could get to my own private space.

Then I let go. I wept as if my heart had been ripped from my chest.

Finally, through a wall of salty tears I pulled the car out and drove the loneliest journey I have ever made.

Was it really only a week ago? It feels like a lifetime.

5

2006-10-03T21:57:00.000+01:00

I'm such a control freak.

That's in part to blame for me struggling so much over the past few days. Of course the fact that the woman I love is 4,000 miles away is the major factor. However, adding to the mix is the uncertainty and worry as we uncover hoop after hoop to jump through to get her here permanently. I like things to be mapped out. I like to know what's going to happen and when. Right now I have none of that. I just have to learn to deal with it, don't I?

On a lighter note I'm guessing that you might be just a little bit curious about what we got up to? Get your minds out of the bedroom though, I'm not sharing any of that with you! I've allowed myself memories today. Memories of times we shared, things we did. I want to preserve them as much as I can until we have the opportunity to add to them.

Oh, I ate her Pop Tarts today - she's not a happy bunny.....

4

2006-10-02T09:58:00.000+01:00

Found this today.....

It sums things up right now.

We do at least have a strategy. She's hoping to be here in a year's time - for good. At that point we have to decide whether we want to enter a Civil Partnership straight away or whether we want to apply for her to stay as an Unmarried Partner but the rules are complex and ambiguous. We're trying to work our way through them to get some semblance of what is necessary. In the meantime though she's working hard and saving, and also has started the process of looking for work over here. If she can get a job now then she can come over on a working visa, which would make things so much easier. Otherwise she can't work for 6 months when she does get here. It's all so complex. I threw up some links over there about the whole scenario, but if anyone knows of anywhere else where we can get advice or information then we would both be very grateful.

I miss her.

this would be why

2006-05-28T22:04:00.000+01:00

THIS WOULD BE WHY

Oh my.

These are just so wrong.

View the whole site right here, or just have a giggle at my selection of pictures.

Finished laughing?

I had tears streaming down my face when I first saw these - and there are more on the site along with some wonderful descriptions. Just the way to cheer up a cold and wet Sunday evening in May.

As for everything else - well, 4 house viewers in the last week, one potentially interested enough to buy, two yet to sell their properties so not in a position to buy right now. I've spent the week in a whirlwind of keeping the house pristine and quite frankly I'm exhausted with it.

As for somewhere for me to move to - the one I love with the open fire and skylight is still available, but since then another opportunity has come my way which I'm just keeping a little close to my chest right now. I just need to sell. Really.

He's away - somewhere in another part of the country. He's managed to call the children twice in the last 10 days - hardly a great track record. I'm saying nothing more about that.

~S~ is incredible. Beautiful. Witty. Amazing. It's 107 days until we meet. 107 days - can you believe that?

Oh and as for the title of my post - let me complete it. No offense to any men reading this, you know that don't you? But this would be why.....I like girls *giggles*

tipping the velvet

2006-05-23T09:25:00.000+01:00

TIPPING THE VELVET

One of my favourite books, a beautiful dramatisation and a gorgeous song. What a stunning combination.

Enjoy.

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Thanks to my lovely friend oddmum for sharing this.

ten

2006-05-22T21:00:00.000+01:00

TEN

Ten glorious months.

That's how long ~S~ and I have been together now. It feels like an instant and a lifetime, all at once. Like I've known her forever and yet still have so much left to discover.

Neither of us could have predicted the way things have developed between us. When we first acknowledged our feelings, and first talked about meeting, we didn't think it would happen until 2009. That was 4 years away at the time.

Yet here we are, 112 days from being together properly. Almost three weeks of her being physically here with me. Such bliss.

As things grew between us, we talked about the possibility of her moving over here. It seemed so impossible, light years away. I anticipated that the children would be moving into adulthood before it even became a possibility. There are many hurdles for us to cross, but we both know that she will move over here in the next couple of years. With the change in laws over here, it will even be possible for us to be legally married. Okay so the correct term is a civil partnership rather than a marriage, but it means the same thing. That will be a party - and we will, without a doubt, extend an invitation to anyone who wishes to make the journey to see us. That's still a long way ahead of us, but it's in sight.

Seemingly impossible, but we get closer every day. She's on my mind from the moment I wake until the second sleep overtakes me.

She sent me this today.....

I stand before you

stripped of everything

my soul laid bare to you

and only you.

I hold nothing back

in my love for you

in my desire for you

in my need of you.

When we are together

our bodies entwined

we are two halves of the same whole.

My breath is your breath

your heartbeat my heartbeat.

We glide through the ocean

that is our passion,

letting it carry toward the horizon.

I hold nothing back

in my love for you

in my desire for you

in my need of you.

Within you I find strength

to be everything

and yet nothing.

Time stands still with you.

And I hold nothing back.

fingers, toes and all flexible body parts

2006-05-20T17:35:00.000+01:00

FINGERS, TOES AND ALL FLEXIBLE BODY PARTS

Please cross them for me!

We signed off the house details on Friday lunchtime, it went in the window at the Estate Agents this morning at 9am.

At 12.30pm I received a call from Estate Agents requesting a viewing.

Viewing has just taken place.

I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up.

They were a young couple, first-time buyers so no chain to do battle with. No children yet, but planning a family in the future and looking for a home that will be their family home. They love the area. They've had one house fall through and so now 'know what they want' and are only viewing 'the good ones'. This house was on the good list.

They were here for almost half an hour - and although it's a big house it isn't a mansion either. Gave them the guided tour and then they asked if they could have a wander by themselves. I think that's a good sign. I overheard them planning where study furniture would go, and then comparing the size of the kitchen to the house they lost (my kitchen is bigger!!) All the signs, so far, seem favourable but I must not get my hopes up, it's only early days and they are the first viewers - it would be almost too good to be true if they made an offer.

But I did call the agents about the property I'm still in love with - and it's still available.

As I said, fingers, toes and all flexible body parts crossed.....

wobbly days

2006-05-17T21:10:00.000+01:00

WOBBLY DAYS

I'm having a fair few of these this week, so it seems.

Yesterday I cried - properly cried - on 6 separate occasions. Red eyes and no mascara became the look of the day.

The Estate Agent (a very nice, professional man) called around to take photos and measurements (of the house, not of me!) and was lucky that I didn't blub all over him too. Fortunately for him, and for my embarrassment levels, I hid in the garage sorting out boxes of stuff to take, to leave, for him, for throwing out. I managed to accomplish quite a lot, actually, once I'd wiped the tears away. The dust was an added bonus - it gave me something to blame my swollen eyes on when I did the school run.

Today, the Chair of Governors at school was initially responsible for opening the tear ducts. She collared me (not literally) in the cloakroom and asked why I'd not sent out some documents I'd promised to send out a couple of weeks ago. I momentarily considered an excuse such as 'my printer is out of ink' or 'the (non-existent) dog ate the draft copy' but found myself blurting out about the separation instead.

The odd thing is that it's sympathy that makes me cry. I'm not crying about the separation - hell, that's such a relief - it's more the stress of everything I have to organise, coupled with that sad, sympathetic 'poor you' look that people give me as they lay their hand comfortingly on my shoulder and tell me that I know where they are if I need them.

The 'For Sale' sign went up today. That was an odd and teary moment too. I love this house and if there was anything I could do to stay here then I would. But I'm realistic and know that financially it's just not feasible. Doubtless, right now, the neighbours are all gossiping. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.

So it's been a wobbly and emotional few days, all in all. When I'm calm, I think of ~S~. My friend, C, the one that knows about us, always asks how she is. It's so nice to have someone I can talk to face to face who knows what is going on. Even I know how much my face lights up when I talk about her - it's like the sun coming out on a rainy day.

~S~ has been her usual, incredible, self. Since he moved out (although he still comes for dinner every night to see the children) we have had so much more freedom to talk. She gets home from work around the time I go to bed and so I get a goodnight phone call to send me happily into the land of slumber. Every morning I am woken with her voice, once again, welcoming me into the day. Having the freedom to do that is incredible.

Speaking of the land of slumber (were we?) I had the most bizarre dream last night. It involved giving birth to 20 - yes 20 babies. Four sets of quintuplets, as I recall. Very odd. Most certainly not prophetic in any way, shape or form.

Oh, before I go to make myself an exciting mug of hot water, I owe you all an apology. I still haven't visited you all - I feel neglectful and bad. I'm relying so heavily on your support right now but I haven't even managed to pop in to see any of you. I'm so sorry. I'm hoping that things will - eventually - calm down, at which point I will be back with a vengeance and maybe a witty comment or two. Don't hold your breath about the wit though....

out

2006-04-27T23:42:00.000+01:00

OUT

Oh my. I came out.

Some of you may have already read ~S~ blog and her post on it while I was away last week.

I still can't quite believe that I did it.

I wasn't even drunk. I'd had one glass of wine, C and I were talking - she was telling me some private stuff that had recently gone on in her life, and we were chatting about my marriage. It just felt right to tell her.

She's half-known that I had 'someone' in my life for a while now - I half told her back in October - but she didn't know any specifics.

She knows everything now.

She knows who, where, and how.

She reacted far better than I ever could have hoped - she took it all wonderfully in her stride and said that she was so happy for me.

It meant that I could be quite open about communicating with ~S~ over the week that I was away - I didn't have to hide away to message her or speak to her. At one point, I'd just come off the phone to ~S~ and C said that she had never seen me so happy in all the time she has known me (and that's a long time). She said I glowed with happiness. I feel like I glow when I am talking to her - I have that lovestruck teenager thing going on, but with an age difference. Even after nine months, I'm still smitten - more than ever before. It just grows stronger day by day.

C played devils advocate with me - she's like that. She challenges me to think, but in a good way.

She asked me if I was just seeking a sexual experience with a woman. You see, C is quite experimental sexually. She's happily married, with a healthy sex life. She passed comment that she would love to be with a woman, but for her it is all about the sexual experience and nothing more.

I know that it's different for me. If I wanted to be with a woman then, without being over-confident, I know that there are women that I could be with tomorrow. All I would need to do would be to send out the right signals. In fact, when I first mentioned to C that my 'someone' was a woman, her initial response was to assume that it was one of my other friends whom we both know to be bisexual. I soon put her straight on that, if you will excuse the pun.

Back to my point, though. I don't just want to be with any woman. I want to be with ~S~. I'd rather not be with anyone if I couldn't be with her. It's that simple. It's not about the sexual experience - although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bothered about that - obviously I am, but there is so much more than just that.

C looked at me long and hard after I told her this. She thought for a while and said, quite clearly..

'You've found your soulmate'

lonely

2006-04-26T23:41:00.000+01:00

LONELY

~S~ starts a new job tomorrow. It's only temporary, for a couple of weeks, but it's unlikely that she will have the freedom or ability to stay in touch with me during her working day. Up to now, we've been spoilt with that freedom and it is hard knowing that we have to be apart.

Adding to this is the fact that I'm also back at work tomorrow - and I have to leave straight after the school run which means we have to go without our regular early morning phone call.

I know, September is just around the corner. I know we can make it through this again - we've dealt with worse things before. I just struggle when we have to be apart.

She sent me a long message to my phone the other night, I awoke to find it. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it....

DF, I love you so much. No one has ever sacrificed as much for me as you do everyday. You make me want to be a better woman and with you I can. I am. So much of my life has changed because of the simplest, yet most profound thing: your unconditional love. Just typing out these words has brought tears to my eyes. I don't have much in this life but all that I do have, I lay at your feet. And you have the deepest part of my heart and soul. I love you forever xxx

So powerful.....

just the way i'm feeling

2006-04-26T00:28:00.000+01:00

JUST THE WAY I'M FEELING

I got an email from a close friend today. She knows about the state of my marriage but not about ~S~. My reply pretty much sums things up....

Thanks for your email....

How am I honestly? I'm not good.

It all blew up a few weeks ago when he spent all Sunday in the pub after just disappearing from the house. When he came home he threw his wedding ring at me across the kitchen and announced he was leaving. I told him okay, just go. That threw him totally and he started to backtrack but I realised that I meant it and I wanted him to go. He ended up taking three days off work to try and sort things out with me - we talked but I made my feelings quite clear. I agreed though that I wouldn't make any major decisions until after Easter, just so that we didn't unsettle eldest child before the event.

In that time he has tried, to a certain extent. But there have been lots of times when the aggressive DH returns and that unsettles me. Even though he's been making an effort, it's just not in the right way - he bought me chocolates for Easter but only as an afterthought - and he even told me he was hoping to get an egg cheap on Easter Saturday but they had all sold out. He might be trying in that way, but it's the other little things like not making me a drink or a sandwich one night when I had been out to see eldest childs' coach, had driven for 5 hours and didn't get home until after 10pm. He sat on the couch watching TV while I made my own drink. It's little gestures like that which really tell me the truth.

After we got back from the event on Sunday he sat down and practically demanded answers from me - I can understand that he needs to know but we were both tired, I was starting with a stinking cold and it just wasn't the best time. When I told him that my feelings hadn't changed and that I just didn't love him he started to talk aggressively again - he told me he had seen a solicitor (which is fair enough - I'm glad he has) but then started threatening to get the children out of bed to tell them that it's over. As soon as he drags the children into it I weaken - he knows my instinct is to protect them above anything else.

He also seems hellbent on wanting me to hurt him - I have tried to tell him gently that I don't love him, but he won't accept it or listen to me. I don't have any attraction to him now - certainly not sexually - but I haven't yet told him this as I know it will hurt him and as daft as it sounds I am trying to hurt him as little as I can. But it's almost like he's backing me into a corner so that I have to say hurtful things before he will accept it.

Last night, and tonight, things are strained to say the least. Once again he is hardly speaking to me but instead of trying to smooth things over (as I would have done in the past) I have given up making the effort. Last night I sat in the lounge to watch TV and he went upstairs after half an hour, without a word, to watch a DVD. Tonight, I am sat in the other room on the PC and he is watching TV in the lounge. Although we are being civil we must only have exchanged a dozen sentences since he came home from work. I feel really cruel, but I am beyond making an effort now - I think he may have been confusing the fact that I am being 'normal' towards him with me wanting to make a go of things. I hate being like this, but at least if I am not making any effort he can't help but see that things aren't recoverable.

I'm just so tired with everything, I just want to run away and disappear. I'm clock-watching, counting the hours until he comes home, but not with pleasure - it's with dread. I hate it all so much and just want to be able to get on with my life with the children.

Please don't think you have upset me - you really haven't. I really value and need your friendship more than ever before right now. I'm fighting with myself, I can see myself withdrawing from everyone just because it's all too painful to deal with. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. As much as I want to reach out to you and to my other friends, I am finding it so hard to do because I am worried that you will get fed up of hearing about this all the time. It's just not going away and it's not getting any better and I hate being such a drain on everyone's emotions. So if I don't text or I don't email, it's not for any reason other than my own stupidity and the fact that I find it so hard to ask for help. I know you want to be there for me - and you are being - I'm trying not to push anyone away but I am so low right now. All I want to do is hide from the world but I know that is the worst thing that I could do.

Thanks for your email, I really do appreciate it.

Much love to you all.

DF xx

He went to bed almost three hours ago and right now, despite my exhaustion, I am avoiding going to bed because I don't want to sleep in the same space as him. Something must change soon - I've got to make him see that this isn't going to get any better - I just don't know how.

back

2006-04-23T11:36:00.000+01:00

BACK

I'm back.

You have to just love anonymous comments....

Will update you all later - right now I have to unpack and take care of one tired child and one child that threw up in the car.

away

2006-04-16T00:42:00.000+01:00

AWAY

I'll be away for at least a week.

Nothing to worry about, something that has been anticipated for a year now.

I can hardly bear the fact that ~S~ and I won't have proper contact for this length of time. It's only a week and we have done it before. I know we can get through it again.

It will be harder for her, please please please support her through this.

As for me, I will be extremely busy - the week will be incredibly hectic, some of it exciting, some of it stressful, some of it emotional and hopefully some of it victorious. When I can find a secure space I will share it with you, but as I have mentioned previously, if I were to share it here it would whittle my identity down to one of only 100 possible people in the whole country. Not a risk I can take. So I will remain mysterious, you will remain curious.

Now I must go.

Take care, dear friends, please be here when I return as I will need you more than ever to help me gather the courage to do what must come next.

denial or devastation?

2006-04-13T22:26:00.000+01:00

DENIAL OR DEVASTATION?

He arrived home at 3pm this afternoon - 6 hours ahead of his expected time. The atmosphere was fraught, tense. We were civil enough on the outside, talking about work and home, but there was a definite friction in the air.

He suggested we all go out to have dinner - for a variety of reasons I really didn't want to go. I was grubby and tired, had a lot to do, and in all honestly did not want to play 'happy families'. I suggested instead that he took the children to the cinema but he was adamant that he wanted the whole family to go out together.

The children were playing at a friend's house and I asked him to collect them for me, which he did without a fuss.

Then the phone rang - it was my friend, C. She told me that he had just left with the children and was on his way home. I thought it was a curious reason for her to call me. She went on to tell me that he had talked to her, about the marriage. He had asked her what she knew, what I had said, what I was feeling. She was, thankfully, discreet - and told him that of course we had spoken (he knew that from me anyway) but that it wasn't her place to tell him what we had spoken of. But in a nutshell he had announced that he didn't want to lose me and was prepared to do whatever was necessary to keep me. He even struggled with tears. He told her he has nothing other than the children and I, his life would be over. But he also admitted that he knew the marriage was over - even though he couldn't accept it. C very gently told him that he had to try and accept it and he had to move on.

I feel bad that she has been involved in this, she has been a good friend of mine for a long time and I really didn't expect that he would drag her into the midst of it all. I apologised to her. She was fine about it, she's a good friend.

On his return home, he said nothing about his conversation with her and I didn't mention it either. We ate dinner at home, I had some jobs to do that kept me in the kitchen for quite a while after dinner and he sat in the lounge watching a DVD with the children. There has been very little conversation between us, although what there has been has remained polite and civil. He went to bed a short time ago.

Ironically, when I walked into the lounge to sit down for a short while, he had one of the music channels on. As I walked in, this song was playing. It's by a band called The Streets, and is called Dry Your Eyes. Reading the lyrics does not do this song justice. Listen to it if you get chance. The moment was not wasted on either of us, although not a word was spoken.

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground
Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down
World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she's lookin' down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin', my life is crashin' before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me
There's things I can't imagine doin', things I can't imagine seein'
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word
'Cause everythin's just gone
I've got nothin'
Absolutely nothin'

Tryin' to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin' to change what she's sayin'
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I'm not gonna fuckin', just fuckin' leave it all now
'Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You're well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

I know in the past I've found it hard to say
Tellin' you things, but not tellin' straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now.

what to say?

2006-04-11T21:41:00.000+01:00

WHAT TO SAY?

Somehow I became sidetracked.

I remember the evening I started writing this blog. I didn't ever truthfully expect that anyone would really read it. All I ever wanted from it was a place where I could explore my feelings for ~S~.

In actual fact that seems to be the one thing that I have done very little of - because my feelings for her are crystal clear.

Of late, though, it has become a chronicle of a breaking marriage - something I genuinely did not envisage.

DH is away again right now. He's away until Thursday evening. He called me this morning - I was in the shower at the time, but leapt out wondering who the hell was calling at 7.50am. I should have known. I know he's pushing me for a definitive answer - he commented rather nonchalantly this morning that he supposed I preferred it when he was away. Refusing to be drawn, I simply replied that I was certain he didn't want to have that particular conversation over the phone.

~S~ and I have been exploring our relationship in a little more depth, talking about our flaws and failings. I know I have many faults - I openly admit to them - and I can also see that ~S~ has her faults too. I'm not so blinded by love that I think she's beyond fault. We've talked about some of these faults, been honest with each other, and I've shared some of my fears with her about our relationship. We wouldn't be human if we didn't have fears.

But one thing that we have in complete abundance is an ability to communicate well. Tonight, when I got home, I was in a bad mood. I'd had a rotten few hours and was feeling stressed, anxious and tired. In turn, she had had a horrible morning at work and was also feeling grumpy and out-of-sorts. I messaged her when I got back, and for a few minutes we were just a little irritable - nothing obvious, not from the spoken words - it was more in the unspoken words. It lasted no more than two or three minutes before we simultaneously realised what was happening, took a step back and a deep breath, and started again.

There's not a night that goes by when I don't wish she was here with me. When I'm alone in bed, a pillow and a scrunched up duvet makes an inadequate substitute.

warped

2006-04-07T10:37:00.000+01:00

WARPED

That would be me.

I just laughed until I cried at this.

Oh and another one.

9 types

2006-04-07T09:37:00.000+01:00

9 TYPES

I don't normally partake in online tests and suchlike but, pottering through blogland today I stumbled across this and felt compelled to do it.

Scarily correct.

The Peacemaker (the Nine)

Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.
I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advatage of this.
Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.
Ask me questions to help me get clear.
Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
Let me know you like what I've done or said.
Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

What I Like About Being a Nine

being nonjudgmental and accepting
caring for and being concerned about others
being able to relax and have a good time
knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being a Nine

being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
being confused about what I really want
caring too much about what others will think of me
not being listened to or taken seriously

Nines as Children Often

feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
tune out a lot, especially when others argue
are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

Nines as Parents

are supportive, kind, and warm
are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

risk

2006-04-06T11:45:00.000+01:00

RISK

Who really is taking the risk here?

Is it me?

I don't think it is. I'm leaving this marriage anyway. Regardless of the situation with ~S~, I am moving into life as a single parent. In practical terms it won't be that much different than life now. My children will still have both parents, who in time will be so much happier apart than we have been together. I know that happiness will take time to settle, I know there will be upset and difficulties but leaving this marriage is the right thing for me, for my children, and also for him.

But I will still have all my family around me, all my friends, all the support network that has been built up over the last few years of my life. That won't change.

My children will still have their family, their friends. Whilst there will of course be some change in their lives, this change will be kept to a bare minumum. When DH and I have spoken over the last few weeks the one thing we have both been in agreement on is that the children must be given as much security and stability as possible. They are priority. I know they are bound to be upset but I also know that if things are handled properly and with sensitivity that they will come through this just fine. They are loved and cared about by a lot of people and that will help them enormously.

So who really is taking the risk?

By the time ~S~ comes here to live, I will hopefully already have my life as a single parent established.

She, on the other hand, is leaving everything behind.

She's leaving her family, her home, her work, her friends and colleagues. She's moving over 4,000 miles away from everything she has ever known. She's moving to a country that has many similarities, but also a vast number of differences.

She won't be able to work for 6 months after moving here - so she has to have money to support herself with for at least that period of time. Then she has to find a job. In the midst of all this, she has to adapt to a whole new way of life.

Who really is taking the risk?

realisation

2006-04-01T15:45:00.000+01:00

REALISATION

Last night I went to bed a good hour before DH. That's pretty much the norm right now. Sometimes I read for a while, sometimes I'm just too exhausted to even turn a page. I always message ~S~ from my phone - I'm incredibly lucky that my mobile will send emails and so every night, without fail, she gets a goodnight message from me. Every morning when I wake there is a reply waiting beneath my pillow.

Anyway, back to last night.

I was still reading when he came up. I'd become engrossed in a book and just got carried away. He passed comment that he thought I was meant to be tired. I just said I hadn't been able to sleep and decided to read for a while. We have this odd and uncomfortable situation going on right now where we both sleep in the same bed, but we are both perched on the very edge of our respective sides, backs to each other and a huge chasm between us. It's a king size bed, thankfully.

After about ten minutes I turned off my bedside lamp and settled to try and go to sleep.

That's the point that he decided he wanted to talk. Commencing with a rather ridiculous 'Is anything wrong?'

Has he missed something? Have the last two weeks completely bypassed him? What could I say? I eventually replied that there was nothing new wrong - nothing that he didn't already know about. We ended up going over the same ground, in the darkness, as the minutes ticked by. He wanted to know where he stood - I told him that if I knew he had somewhere to go then I would have told him to leave two weeks ago and that my feelings hadn't changed.

He swung from wanting another chance to demanding answers.

By now it's gone midnight, pouring with rain outside and I'm tired.

Tired and vulnerable.

I tried to be nice. I tried to be considerate of his feelings. I perhaps was a little too considerate because despite him presenting me with the opportunity I still fell short of telling him to go.

I did tell him not to touch me - not even to try to kiss me on the cheek in the morning. I said I can't imagine how bad it must make him feel to do that every morning and know that I am literally recoiling away from him. So I told him to make his life easier and not even try.

I asked him what his thoughts had been over the last two weeks and he told me that he had considered suicide. I was expecting that. And I was proud of myself when I told him that I would not be held to ransom by these threats. I also told him that he would be committing his children to a frightening future if he did harm himself.

In the end I had to get up, come downstairs and make myself a hot drink. The room was just so claustrophobic. I messaged ~S~ from my phone as I didn't dare put the PC on. I know I worried her but I've spoken with her since and reassured her that I am okay. I just needed that connection.

When I finally went back to bed, he was asleep and my opportunity to tell him I wanted him to go was gone. At least for then.

This morning he is barely speaking to me. When he does, he is at least civil. But it has been a hard morning. I had to work for an hour, I left him with the children and came back to discover that he had done the whole weeks ironing. As I type this he is doing the weekly shopping. This is, supposedly, the 'new man'. I'm sad, but no amount of household equality - which to be honest I don't want anyway - will change my feelings. He knows that.

I was angry with myself this morning. Angry for not taking the opportunity that presented itself last night. Frustrated.

But as I drove to work I had a little time and space to think and I reached an important realisation about myself that I genuinely had never seen before.

I am a pleaser.

I have dedicated my whole life to pleasing and helping other people.

First my parents - let's not even open that particular box - all I can say is that I have desperately craved the approval of my parents for my whole life. I love my brothers dearly, but I never felt that I matched up to them in any way - even though they are both younger than me. I've spent my life trying to make them proud of me.

Then my teachers - I threw away a career in what I wanted to do (art and design) for something they thought I should do. I came very close to entering the Royal Air Force - to please parents and teachers. Only my age saved me from that - along with a 'suggestion' from a highly respected teacher that I should delay my entrance and go in as a graduate. That gave me space to see it wasn't what I wanted.

Even in my work - my past career and most definitely in what I do now - I am dedicated to helping others.

Somewhere I lost sight of helping me.

Anyway, on the way to work I realised why this was so important and relevant to me now.

I panic - almost literally - when someone disapproves of something I do or say. If someone is unhappy with me I bend over backwards to make it right - often compromising my beliefs to make them happy.

And I'm still doing it.

So last night, when it was very apparant that he was unhappy with my decision, I panicked. I don't know how to put me first and still believe that I have to make everything right for everyone else.

But I can't and shouldn't be doing that now.

This morning, when he was barely speaking, I was making an effort to make conversation. Offering him breakfast, asking him what he wanted for lunch. Making him coffee.

It explains why, for the last couple of weeks, I've gone into 'perfect wife' mode. It explains why I've baked cakes - I've even baked his favourite for heavens' sake - why on earth did I do that? I did it because I struggle to deal with disapproval. Even his.

It must be confusing for him - on the one hand I am telling him clearly that I don't love him. But on the other I'm baking cakes, cooking beautiful meals, ironing his clothes and being 'nice'.

That's very unfair of me.

Even though I don't want to be here in this marriage I am still putting my need to make everyone happy before my own. But in doing so I'm probably giving him false hope that things will be okay. I'm certainly not helping myself either.

It's just that panic - that awful physical panic - that sets in when I know someone isn't happy with me.

I hope that in identifying it, it will give me the strength I need to put myself first.

As things stand right now, he is still staying until after Easter.

I'm such a damn coward.

I'm so bloody angry with myself I could cry.

Between now and then I need an enormous injection of courage and a liberal helping of something to help me get over this eternal panic.

Any suggestions? They didn't have any in Tesco last time I looked....

you should never fight your feelings

2006-03-31T12:56:00.000+01:00

YOU SHOULD NEVER FIGHT YOUR FEELINGS

I've just been listening to the radio - Embrace - 'Nature's Law'

you should never fight your feelings
when your very bones believe them

What a beautiful song.

I've been to the hairdressers today and I feel pretty. I used to go to this particular hairdresser all the time and then, for some unknown reason, I got out of the habit. Anyway, I went back today and remembered why I liked going - this guy is funny. Gay, camp and just so comical. He's intelligent too - we had a real conversation about real things.

Plus he made my hair look pretty.

Waist length, red, and now with a very subtle curl. I'll lose the curl the next time I wash it but for now I feel like I'm 20 again. I feel like swishing my hair around my shoulders and smiling my way down the street, bathed in spring sunshine.

In other matters, I'm enduring the claustrophobia of a man that refuses to believe it's over. Suffocating. He is trying to make an effort the best way he knows. But it's dead for me. His continued attempts to touch me (last night it was a pat on the bottom as he walked past me) leave me wanting to scream.

Sunshine always makes life seem a little easier though, and I can see the light shining at the end of the tunnel, even if I'm not quite there yet.

i don't know what to say

2006-03-29T18:13:00.000+01:00

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

But I am sure I'll think of something eventually. If I sit at this keyboard for long enough and type enough nonsensical drivel then maybe something worth listening to will pop out. Don't hold your breath though.

I've been for my reflexology today and oh my, it was blissful. I happen to work at this clinic too, but while I have been away nursing injuries the clinic owner has had some pretty major refurbishments done and I have to say the place is looking fabulous. Think slightly french, in dusky pinks and aubergines, with lots of scented candles and crystals. It is truly beautiful and a very very relaxing place to be. In fact so much so that I am now looking forward to getting back to work there.

I'm also nicely relaxed, if a little tired now.

Internet frustrations abound today. ~S~ has no internet at all at work today. The one day that DH is late at work and I could actually talk to her freely and bugger me she has no internet. It's just cruel.

It seems my last post attracted a lot of advice. You know I always value the advice given - whatever it is. In fact even if it is something I don't necessarily want to hear, I still value the fact that you have taken the time and the trouble to comment.

On that note, there was one particularly interesting comment on my last post that I would really like to address in just a little more detail. It's not something I normally do but I saw the comment this morning and it has been on my mind all day. I'm not going to copy any of the comment here - you can read it in the post below if you haven't already.

Firstly, my head is, of course, more than a little scrambled right now. I think that can be allowed, under the circumstances. Whatever I may have alluded to in my last post I really have no intentions of telling DH about my sexual preferences. It was something I considered and then dismissed very very quickly - for all the reasons you have all stated.

Secondly, I am leaving him because of the abuse. There. I said it. Abuse. I feel like I should stand up now and say in a loud clear voice....

'My name is deadly female and I am an abused wife'

Round of applause for that please?

Ignore everything else you know about me right now. I am ending this marriage because the abuse has killed any love I ever had for him. I am ending it because it is the right thing for me to do - for myself and for my children.

What I should make crystal clear is that I am not ending this marriage because suddenly someone else has popped onto the scene that seems like a better option. Categorically not. Whatever anyone may think of my morals, I am not the sort of person that would do that type of thing.

With regards to ~S~ some very valid points have been raised. She is not a replacement for my DH. Nor am I looking at this whole relationship through rose-tinted glasses. Yes, my feelings for her and hers for me run so incredibly deep but I'm not going to justify them here. I don't have to. Some of you out there have spoken to me in person, some of you have also spoken to ~S~ in person.You know that we are both sensible, mature and intelligent adults.

That is the reason why she is coming to spend almost three weeks with me in September.

Both of us have our eyes wide open. We may meet in September and there be no attraction between us at all. We may meet and discover that we don't get on as well as we thought we would. There may be massive clashes in our personalities. Anything could happen. We are both well aware of that fact.

I should say that it would break my heart if that did happen. But we are both awake to the possibilities.

After September, if our feelings still run the same then she will make plans to move over here. Yes to be with me. But I have stated from the very start that she must always have the air fare and the ability to return home if things don't work out. That is NOT because I don't think things will work out - that's because I'm logical and sensible and she's planning on moving 4,000 miles to be with me. She always needs to know that she has a get-out if ever she decides she wants it.

As far as I am concerned I know I could cope perfectly well as a single mum - essentially I've been coping as a semi-single mum for 6 years. Practically, emotionally and even financially (albeit with a struggle) I now know beyond a doubt that I can cope. I'm not scared to be alone. I'm certainly not dragging ~S~ over here as a replacement. If I end up alone then so be it. I have some damned good friends and a wonderful support network around here. They would be enough.

But as those of you that know me also know (oh what a mouthful that was) I am as certain as I can ever be that ~S~ is the person that I am meant to be with. If that turns out to not be the case then I will take that hurt on the chin like the grown-up I am. I will lick my wounds and I will get on with my life.

Do you seriously think that I have not asked myself, time and time and time again, if this relationship is just infatuation? Do you seriously think that I have not questioned every motive for wanting her here with me? I have lain awake night after night, analysing this situation.

These are not decisions that I have made lightly. These are decisions that are the result of hours and hours and hours of long, hard thinking. Painful thinking. You'll just have to trust me on that score.

See, I said I wasn't going to justify myself or my feelings and I just spent the best part of an hour doing just that. I also said that I didn't know what to say today. Seems I was wrong there too.

Incidentally, Debussys' Clare de Lune is one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have heard in a long time. Thanks.

sorting out the thoughts

2006-03-27T13:48:00.000+01:00

SORTING OUT THE THOUGHTS

I'm not in a good place right now.

He's still here. After last weekend's revelations I agreed, perhaps stupidly, that I wouldn't throw him out. I agreed that we would carry on as if everything were normal until after Easter (this is child related).

It's proving to be really really hard.

I laid it all on the line for him. I told him I had seen a solicitor. He was completely shocked by this.

I told him I was prepared to sell the house and divorce him right away.

He has pulled, and continues to pull, every emotional string in the book. So far he has threatened to kill himself in a variety of different ways (car off a cliff, gun to his head etc etc). The rational part of me sees that this is emotional blackmail. It's just so so so hard to deal with though.

He says he would be devastated to lose me, his life would be worthless.

He is making an effort in his own way - he has been 'nice' to me, he cooked dinner yesterday (because it was Mothers Day). He even booked me in at the hairdressers for Friday. He's been civil and pleasant enough. Because of this I know he already thinks everything is going back to 'normal'.

He has asked me, on several occasions, if I am seeing another man. That was very very hard.

I have told him that I don't want him to touch me - and he has tried despite me saying this. This morning he tried once again to kiss me as he went to work. I feel bad saying this but I turned my face away. Inside I was screaming that I don't want him near me. Yesterday he pushed past me suggestively as I was stood in the doorway talking to my friend - pushed his body against mine and tried to hold me. I froze. Last week he blatantly looked down my top when I was preparing food in the kitchen.

His behaviour is confusing me. On the one hand I have relatives who think that we should work at it 'for the sake of the children' and are putting pressure on me to make a go of things. Friends are telling me to stand by my instincts and hold strong.

The bottom line is that I don't want to be married to him anymore. I don't think there is anything he can do that will change my feelings.

There are three main factors in this - I've tried to keep them separate in my head but they are so inextricably linked that I can't.

There's the marriage - and the way that I feel it has irretrievably broken down - and all of the reasons for that breakdown.

Then there's the fact that actually I prefer women. Not just to him. To any man. I've been tempted to tell him this but I feel it would just overcomplicate things right now and would probably be used against me.

~S~ I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I've seriously questioned myself over and over again about this, and about my relationship with her. And I have realised that if it weren't for her coming into my life I would probably be putting up with everything else. Keeping my head down and being a good wife. And an unhappy woman.

I've also thought long and hard about leaving her. About telling her that it is over, cutting contact and trying to make the best of things here. There is no doubt that it seems like it would be the easiest and most sensible thing to so. Except that I can't. When I think about it I literally panic. My heart races, my eyes fill with tears. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. I need her like I need air to breathe.

The issues in my marriage existed long before ~S~. I know I have said that before - it's always worth saying again. But she has given me the strength and the belief in myself to want to do something about it. And you know even if she weren't planning to come over here, I would still be ending this marriage. I'm not scared of being alone. Not anymore.

I am, right now, lower than I have been in a long long time.

My eating is sporadic again - days of starvation followed by overeating.

I could sleep for days and yet most nights I waken in panic in the early hours and spend those hours worrying about all manner of stuff.

I've stopped talking to my friends. I'm not reaching out to them. If they come to me, sure I'll talk a little, but I'm avoiding them.

Nor am I going out. Unless I have to. Which means the school run and whatever activities the children have to do.

~S~ can see this, and I know it is worrying her. I was supposed to go out today for a walk but it's raining heavily and so I stayed home instead.

I'm not even doing anything productive at home - a lot of the day is spent staring into space.

I hate feeling like this.

One thing I did do today - a positive thing. One of the women I work with called me to see how I was. She's lovely. She invited me over to see some improvements that have taken place at the clinic. I grabbed my courage and said that yes, I would come over, but was there any possibility I could have a treatment with her while I was there? And so I have an hour's reflexology booked for Wednesday afternoon.

I just need to keep hanging in there.

back from beyond

2006-03-26T19:37:00.000+01:00

BACK FROM BEYOND

Well I'm back. It's been a pretty interesting and eventful week to say the least, as I guess you will know if you have been keeping up to date via ~S~ blog.

I'll just summarise...

It all kicked off dramatically last Sunday when he walked out just after 9am. He came back at lunchtime, refused point blank to speak with me and then disappeared to the pub. When he finally came back 5 hours later he threw his wedding ring at me across the kitchen and told me he was leaving - I said fine. That stopped him in his tracks and he then proceeded to backtrack, telling me it had all been a mistake and he didn't mean it.

I won't bore you with the details - quite honestly you would be reading for weeks. He took three days off work last week to talk things through with me, and has asked his bosses not to go away again for the next couple of weeks. Yet I told him I needed space - which is entirely true.

He claims he has nowhere to go if I ask him to leave - I know he has asked his parents and they have refused although I think this is on the grounds that they want us to 'work things out' rather than letting him run away from it all.

Right now, he's in ultra-nice mode. He's been considerate and helpful, talking about saving for a fantastic foreign holiday next year and buying me a laptop for Christmas. He has me on the biggest guilt trip I have ever known. The rational part of me sees that this is all another means of him manipulating me, but then I wonder if he is capable of that and then start to feel the guilt at how devastated he now says he will be if I asked him to go.

I'm just confused and feeling emotionally weak and drained now.

The one thing in all this that has kept me going - well, two things actually. But first and foremost is ~S~. She has called, calmed me down, talked me through things. Despite her feelings she has let me talk freely about everything that is happening here.

The second thing is all your support. It means so much to know that you are popping by, checking in, and thinking of me. Thank you.

Right now I've entered what can only be described as a state of numbness. Life goes on around me but I don't feel any of it. Today was Mothers' Day. My children spoiled me in their own sweet ways and I hugged them close to me for a long long time. But my heart felt numb and still.

updates

2006-03-19T15:03:00.000Z

UPDATES

I may not have chance to update over the next few days. And emotionally I may not be in much of a state to.

I've asked ~S~ if she will update her blog with things that are happening, you can keep up to date through her for the moment.

Hopefully it won't be very long at all before I am able to update myself - I need my outlet!

Sapphirine Flames Of Desire

home for the weekend

2006-03-17T21:28:00.000Z

HOME FOR THE WEEKEND

Just a brief update - DH is home for the weekend, possibly until Tuesday or Wednesday.

That has major implications for my internet time.

So far things are relatively calm - he's trying to be 'nice' although there is always a sarcastic aftertaste. I'm working on keeping the peace.

Hopefully the days will pass calmly and without incident.

the lady and the chocolate

2006-03-15T14:20:00.000Z

THE LADY AND THE CHOCOLATE

For all you chocoholics - there is a book which accompanies this and it's the funniest thing ever! Courtesy of Edward Monkton

kisses and empty bags

2006-03-14T21:42:00.000Z

KISSES AND EMPTY BAGS

Alright, alright, so they only lasted two days.

I'm bad.

I'm addicted to chocolate.

In my defence, I did share them - the children must have had, oh, at least 6 each.....

But you know they had to be eaten!

I put them in the freezer and they called to me - their tiny voices piercing the room. I told them no, no I was not going to give in, but then they started crying - all those little red and silver wrapped kisses weeping baby tears that froze on their shiny wrappers.

They said I didn't love them, that I had rejected them, that they had flown all that way to be with me and now I pushed them away.

What could I do? The guilt set in and the only way to appease it was to retrieve them from their frosty dungeon and set them free of their foil jackets.

So I did.

Just one thing though - how cruel is it to wrap them up individually like that? I mean come on! Like you're only supposed to eat one at a time? Who are they kidding!

Anyway, I've quality controlled the red and white Valentine Hersheys now, if anyone has any Easter Hersheys that they would like checking, feel free to send them on over.

my baby just cares for me

2006-03-13T20:26:00.000Z

MY BABY JUST CARES FOR ME

I'm still here. Things are still calm. He is still away.

When he does bother to call, conversation has deteriorated. His latest call lasted all of two minutes and 14 seconds. I'm sure that even he realises now that things are over between us. He will, however, be home at the weekend.

I've had a very very hectic few days., particularly over the weekend. Saturday night saw me being kidnapped by a friend and forced to eat Chinese food and eventually drink Southern Comfort. I spent all day Sunday at an event with the children, then doing battle with snowstorms to get back home. To say that I was exhausted was a massive understatement.

~S~ called me on Sunday afternoon, I was so tired I could barely speak. She insited that I sleep for an hour, and I did, falling into one of those dead sleeps. She called me after an hour and talked me back to lucidity.

This morning was no better - she woke me at 6am with a phone call and I was so exhausted that I actually fell asleep while talking to her on the phone! All I recall is hearing her gently tell me to wake up.

Most of the exhaustion was due to the weekend - it was incredibly full-on. But I think that I was - and maybe still am - emotionally exhausted as well.

I am okay though, still getting through each day as it comes. There's still a lot I have to do and there are some tasks that I'm putting off. I'm a master procrastinator.

Thank you all, once again, just for being here. Each and every comment that you leave gives me such a huge amount of strength. Sis B - you have hit the nail squarely on the head with one of your most recent comments - yes I am still finding it very hard to accept that I am abused. Yes I worry constantly that in actual fact I am the manipulator and am just good at creating a story. Even though deep down I know that's not true, it still slips into my mind when my resistance is low.

This last weekend has also seen the emergence of some new feelings - concerning the friends that are physically present in my life. I've found myself feeling guilty about burdening them with what is happening, and shying away from talking about it with them. On top of everything else I'm getting worried that I will end up driving them away. *sigh*

Oh, there is some lovely stuff though - for a change. On Friday morning there was a knock on the door. Which resulted in me being handed the most enormous box - all the way from the US. From ~S~. And this box was crammed full of lovely lovely pressies for me. Hershey's Kisses, apple butter, Big Red cinnamon gum (I'm addicted!), a gorgeous teddy bear, a stunning necklace, a couple of magazines because she knew I would enjoy the articles in there, a purse that was hers but I took a shine too when I saw it - and more stuff besides. Goodies for the children too. My smile was at least a foot wide.

Before I go, comment moderation has finally had to be enabled after the serious spamming my last post got. And eeeewwww, that was nasty spam. Nasty icky slimy spam. No more spam here, please.

and tonight's game is.....

2006-03-07T20:44:00.000Z

AND TONIGHT'S GAME IS.....

He left to go to work at 6am yesterday. Without saying goodbye. That's fine, I can handle that.

He didn't call last night - not even to speak with his children. That's not fine. It's not fair. I don't want to speak with him but his children deserve better.

So I decided that I wouldn't be drawn into his games again and I didn't call him today.

8.20pm tonight and the phone rings. It's him.

His first question is to ask if I have dyed his jeans in the wash. No I haven't. But he maintains that they look different. I maintain that I haven't done anything to them. He eventually backs down and says maybe they were that way when he bought them.

Then he proceeds to tell me what top he is wearing and that he looks good. So good in fact that the barmaid was giving him the eye. I'm disinterested - I think he wants me to react with jealousy, a reminder that he is a married man. I might have reacted that way a long time ago. But not now. So I just laugh.

After telling me about his day he then says he will 'love me and leave me'. Now that's a common enough expression in this country, something I say quite often to friends and family. He makes a point of repeating it several times. I'm not quite sure how he wants me to respond but clearly I am not playing the way he thought I would. So he retorts that he only said 'love' to keep me sweet and that he didn't mean it. I just say okay.

He says he will call in a 'few days' when he has something to say to me. Fine.

I'm not sure if I will be able to keep this up for the next 7 weeks. It helps that he is away so much, otherwise I am certain one of us would have brought it to a head by now. I know it makes no sense to any of you reading this that I am waiting another 7 weeks to end this. Believe me, there is a very very very valid reason for me doing so. It involves the children and their wellbeing. Yes I know they are suffering being in such an unstable environment but when he is away - as he is now - it is calm and happy. 7 weeks. I've put up with this for at least 2 years. 7 more weeks won't kill me.

true colours

2006-03-05T16:49:00.000Z

TRUE COLOURS

I need some perspective.

DH has been home since Wednesday night. In that time, and in an attempt to keep the peace, I have made a real effort to play by his rules. I thought I had done a good job, but it seems not.

Let me run through my day for you and please tell me, honestly, if I am the one being unreasonable here. I need to know.

7.00am - I rise. He is still sleeping. I bring down a load of washing, put it in the machine, sort out some clean washing and drying. I put the oven on to heat for the chicken I am cooking for lunch. I make myself a drink, switch on the PC and spend 15 minutes reading and replying to emails. Then I turn the PC off because I know he will get mad if he gets up and it is on, even if I am nowhere near it. Then I pull out the weeks ironing and do the whole lot. Ironing completed, I then run a bowl of hot water and clean out the grill pan, scrub some baking trays that I neglected to do last night and clean all the worksurfaces in the already immaculate kitchen. During this time the children get up and I make them breakfast and drinks and clean up after them.

8.30am - He gets up. I make him coffee and he sits at the kitchen table watching me as I make a mix for Yorkshire Puddings and put the chicken in the oven. Then I make a chocolate cake and put that into the oven. I call my mum to make some childcare arrangements, sort out the washing that has now finished and take the ironed clothes upstairs. I bring another load of dirty washing back down with me, put it in the washer. Then I sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

9.30am - He decides he wants breakfast so I make him toast and coffee, make some porridge for myself and sit eating it at the table. Then he announces that he is going to drop the recycling off and will call in at the supermarket. I ask him to get me a Sunday newspaper and a block of chocolate for decorating the cake. He agrees and leaves the house.

While he is gone I switch the PC on again and send a message to ~S~. Unbelievably (it's 4am there) she is online and we talk for a few moments. Then he calls and tells me he is driving over to an outlet village an hour away from here to pick up a new hat for himself and some bin liners for the kitchen bin. He'll be gone for at least 2 hours. I tell ~S~ and she calls me. We talk on the phone for a short while but it is the early hours for her and she soon has to go back to sleep. I turn the PC off again, put away the ironed clothes and tidy the upstairs of the house. I come back downstairs, lift out the chocolate cake, turn the chicken and start to prepare the vegetables for lunch. The chicken finishes cooking and I wash the roasting tin and the cake tin, pre-cook the carrots and potatoes.

12.30pm - He calls to say he is ten minutes from home so that I can put the finishing touches to lunch.

12.40pm - He gets home. I am finishing off getting lunch ready, setting the table and suchlike. We sit down to lunch around 1.00pm. After lunch he goes upstairs for a sleep and I clean up the table, wash the lunch dishes and finally sit down to read a little of the Sunday paper at around 2.30pm, just as he gets up from his sleep. So I get up, make him a coffee and sit down to read again for a while, in the lounge, with him.

3.00pm - He puts the PS2 on and starts playing games. I work out that ~S~ will be up soon and go into the room where the PC is and switch it on. I'm browsing as I normally do.

3.30pm - He goes upstairs to run a bath for the youngest child. Then he sneaks downstairs and bangs through the door and frightens me. I tell him he has frightened me and he laughs.

4.30pm - He comes back downstairs and makes a big show about getting the last load of washing out of the washer. Sarcastic comments abound. He says that he bets I can't wait to get rid of him tomorrow when he goes away again. He is so right but I actually don't say this. Instead I ask him to please stop being so confrontational. He says that he can't wait to get away from me. I say nothing, but I do get up and sort out the washing basket that he has thrown across the kitchen floor. He goes back into the lounge and I sit back down to work at the PC. He makes a point of closing the door - this is his way of freezing me out of the house. Then, a few moments later he does the sneaking up and banging the door open thing again. Once again it frightens me. I ask him not to do it, I tell him it scares me and he says he will do what the fuck he likes, he doesn't care anymore.

Right now he's watching TV in the lounge, clearly I am not. I know that whatever I do now will enrage him - if I stay on the PC or away from him then I am in the wrong yet if I give in to him and go sit in the lounge doubtless he will give me the cold shoulder all night and I will have to endure whatever he wants to watch on TV as my opinion will be worthless.

Is it excessive for me to spend two hours on the PC (two and a half now actually) on a Sunday afternoon when I have been ignored by him all day? Am I the one behaving unreasonably? No-one is starving, everyone is fed, the house is immaculate, everything that should be done is done and plenty more besides. I've baked, cooked, ironed, cleaned and tended to everyone's needs. Is it so wrong of me to want some time doing something I want to do? I just have no sense of this anymore. No matter what I do it isn't good enough.

This weekend he had seemed to be civil again and I felt guilty about the solicitor. That guilt has gone now but in it's place is that lack of conviction in myself. He strips me of it the second he walks through the door.

utter helplessness again

2006-03-04T22:14:00.000Z

UTTER HELPLESSNESS AGAIN

I feel sick. I just had some news from ~S~ that is not good. It's not her, it's a member of her family. But once more I can do nothing, not even comfort her. I'm 4,000 fucking miles away and it's shit.

I'm fighting with so many emotions - the fact that DH is in the room next door as I type this and I just want to cry but I can't. The need to stay up until I know what is happening, even though I know that ~S~ probably won't be able to contact me for several hours. That need for information but knowing that I have no right to it.

Then there's utter selfishness. I'm so ashamed of these feelings but part of me is wondering if this is her way of getting out but she's afraid to tell me. I know this is complete paranoia. I know that Princess of Paranoia bitch is laughing her evil head off right now but what if this is it? What if ~S~ is just making excuses now and it's only a matter of time before the ultimate excuse for her not to come in September, not to come ever? I feel such a callous bitch for even entertaining such thoughts.

As I'm typing this, a message from ~S~ has just appeared on my phone explaining a little more of what is going on and it's not good. I'm worried, really worried now. ~S~ doesn't need any more to deal with and she certainly doesn't need me being melodramatic and pathetic.

I just feel that the Universe is stacked against us right now.

What does it want us to do? Am I destined to a life alone? Is it telling me to stay with him, despite everything? Can someone just please take out my mind and give it back when this is all over?

sorry sorry sorry

2006-03-04T12:13:00.000Z

SORRY SORRY SORRY

Everyday life and survival has taken precendence over the last week or so and I've neglected both my blog and all of your blogs. So sorry.

As you may now know, particularly if you have been over to her blog, ~S~ is okay. Her car is a bit of a mess but still driveable but most importantly she is fine, apart from being very shaken. I just hit panic mode when she called me and went into meltdown.

Eldest child is now well again, back at school and eating properly once more. That's also a big relief.

DH came home on Wednesday night. he definitely knows that all is not well between us (no shit, Sherlock!) and is alternating between trying to be nice and being a mean ******** Oh and he throws in the occasional grope too.

I went to see a solicitor on Thursday. It was very very hard having the bare facts laid out, all emotion stripped away. But I know where I stand financially and also on what grounds the divorce would have to proceed. That at least is something. However, I am going to consult with a couple of other solicitors before I make a decision regarding who will represent me. The one I saw on Thursday, whilst very nice was also very young and I have since learned that she has only recently qualified. I don't doubt her ability to do her job but I feel I would prefer someone with a little more specific family law experience.

I also spoke again with my mum, who is now being much more supportive. Still practical - she will never be the cuddly mumsy type but she is at least coming round now. The friends I have around here have also been wonderful - constant phone calls and offers of support. I'm so touched by everything everyone has done.

On the work front things are also looking positive. I spoke with the owner of one of the clinics I work in, and briefly told her what was happening and that I would probably have to give my notice at the clinic so that I could get a 9-5 job with a guaranteed income. Basically she has offered to do anything she can in order for me to stay - she will increase the hours I am available and is more than confident that she has a large enough client base to keep me busy. In fact, for the past two years she has been begging me for more hours. Financially this is also much better for me - I can earn more doing this than I ever could in any other job.

Now it's just a waiting game - I can't say anything to him until after Easter. There are very good and sound reasons for this. So in the meantime I just have to hold strong and keep making my plans.

Oh and next week I promise to try and get round to see you all.

accident

2006-03-01T13:34:00.000Z

ACCIDENT

She's been in an accident.

~S~

A car accident.

I think she's okay. She managed to call me from the side of the road whilst waiting for the police and others to arrive.

I feel sick, my heart is pounding out of my chest. Yet more tears streaming down my face.

making slow progress

2006-03-01T12:33:00.000Z

MAKING SLOW PROGRESS

That pretty much sums things up all round, I think.

Thank you all for continuing to be here and supporting me.

Eldest child is slowly recovering - went back to school yesterday and promptly had to come home again in the afternoon. Off school again today but is eating a little more and I'm hopeful that they will return to school again tomorrow. Children are designed to worry us from the day the are conceived onwards, ad infinitum.

I'm sure my parents would say the same about me.

I've told them. Initially, Dad blamed me. Mum tried to make light of it with stories of her marriage. But overnight both of them have softened somewhat and I think will be supportive in their own way. Which is a distant kind of way, but they are there. Brother saw it coming - we don't talk as often as we should but right now I am feeling massive love from him, even without him saying anything.

I have an appointment tomorrow with a solicitor. Not to start proceedings, not at this stage. Mainly to find out legally where I stand and financially what I am entitled to. I've been re-thinking selling the house straight away. I'm hoping the solicitor can advise on all of that. And I'm not starting proceedings right now simply because I think it's fairer if I actually tell DH first rather than just foisting paperwork on him. I want to try as hard as I can to keep things civil - for the sake of the children.

I'm still very weepy - if I manage half a day without breaking down then it's a good day. If any of you have any wonderful tips for reducing redness and swelling in the eyes then now would be a good time to tell me.

briefly from ~s~

2006-02-28T03:21:00.000Z

BRIEFLY FROM ~S~

DF asked that I come here and make a post on her behalf, updating you and letting you know that she hasn't vanished completely.

Her eldest child is still not 100%. There was a rash that has since vanished, but some activity yesterday afternoon caused a relapse. She stayed home from school today and tomorrow is uncertain.

As for DF herself, she's still trying to come to terms with all that is happening within her life and marriage. She's getting fantastic support from friends here - which I appreciate more than I can say - as well as friends that live closer to her.

Her DH could possibly be home either Tuesday night for just one night so she can do his washing, or will be home Wednesday night and not return to work until Monday. This has thrown a wrench in her plans because she was going to use the time alone to contact a solicitor and others to put the plans in motion.

I would like to again thank all of you for your unending support for both DF and what she's going through and me being so far from her and unable to do anything. I appreciate your friendship a lot. I am so glad that DF has this outlet to express her feelings and lay them out for better examination on her part. She is, without a doubt, the one for me and I am thankful every day for her presence in my life.

If you have any questions, I will do my best to answer them. And I'm sure DF visits here every day so she will read any comments you leave for her. She will be back when she feels up to it.

~S~

isn't that how the saying goes?

2006-02-25T13:31:00.000Z

ISN'T THAT HOW THE SAYING GOES?

It never rains but it pours.

I spent the morning at the hospital. Eldest child collapsed.

Several hours later, after all manner of tests including ECGs and something scary with a scan and we're now back home. The conclusion is a viral infection. And there's nothing the hospital can do.

Child is sleeping on the couch now, deathly pale and listless

I'm beaten.

devastation

2006-02-24T14:45:00.000Z

DEVASTATION

I wasn't going to post today. I was feeling fragile and brittle and exposed.

But something just happened. Something bad. And whilst I still feel fragile and brittle and exposed, I've added devastated to the list.

You would think, would you not, that there would be a finite amount of tears that one body could cry? It seems not.

All I have done for the past 48 hours is cry. Every time a friend calls, I cry. Every time I read a supportive word, I cry.

But now in addition to crying for myself I am crying for other people.

I had a knock on the door this afternoon. It was a very good friend of mine that I haven't seen to talk to since about November. We both have hectic lives and that is how our friendship operates. Her husband was ill before Christmas and I knew she was caught up in that as well as the usual madness of family life.

She called today with her husband. He didn't stay long as he had things to attend to. She knew something was wrong with me and of course when she asked me I cried again.

Then she told me that her husband was dying. Terminal cancer. Inoperable. He has been given 6-12 months. He is undergoing intensive chemotherapy and drug treatment in the hope of slowing it's progress down, but even there the best case scenario is 2-3 years.

I'm devastated for them - they have two beautiful daughters. I cannot begin to imagine what they are going through right now.

All I could do was hold her and let her cry while she held me and let me cry.

I don't think I can take much more right now.

the great unknown

2006-02-23T10:23:00.000Z

THE GREAT UNKNOWN

I know it seems like I'm doing so well emotionally - everyone that knows has said so. But I'm quivering like a jelly inside.

For months I have felt as if I were cast adrift in a little rowing boat with no land in sight and only one oar. Now I sense that there is land on the horizon, a map has magically appeared but it's in a language I don't understand. Strong currents are pulling my little boat. I think it's the way I want to go but there's that inner voice that just niggles and asks me if I am sure. That's normal, yes?

Next week I call the estate agents and I call a few solicitors to find a preferably female solicitor with expertise in family law. I don't want to be unreasonable but I know that I could easily be walked all over so I need someone prepared to fight my corner. I spoke with my friend C on Tuesday night, she knows of a solicitor that fits the bill and is getting me her number. I'm impatient. I want to do it all today but at the same time I want to put it all off until another lifetime.

So much is still uncertain, so much of this jigsaw is still missing. My mum's reaction - and then my dad's. Funny though, I'm more bothered about my mum.

Then there's his reaction. What is he going to do, what is he going to say when I tell him it's over? When I map out the plans that I have made? Will he turn nasty or will he weep and beg for my forgiveness? I have no way of knowing how he will respond until we have that conversation. No matter how much I try to work through the multitude of scenarios in my mind I am sure he will still throw something completely unexpected at me.

He's been away since 6am Monday morning. We haven't spoken since a stilted, uncomfortable 4 minute conversation at 7pm on Monday night. Normally he calls every night - even if only to speak with the children. But sometimes he chooses not to call - I think it's a control game he plays because he knows that if he misses a night I will call him the next day to ask him why he didn't call and what is wrong. Recently when this has happened, his answer has been that he didn't want to talk to me.

He didn't call Tuesday night. Nor did he call last night. And nor did I call him. I didn't buy into his game this time. I was annoyed because eldest child is still sick and he hadn't the decency to enquire about them. But I didn't play the game this time. My phone was silent and unused.

Quelle surprise, he called me this morning at 9.30am. I ruined his game. Strangely he was civil and almost caring. He called me 'darling'. And he promised to call me at 9pm tonight. I've changed the rules and it's thrown him off balance.

sleeplessness

2006-02-22T10:04:00.000Z

SLEEPLESSNESS

It'll be no surprise to learn that I'm not sleeping.

Monday night the eldest child was sick and I was awake with it until around 2.00am. Then I just couldn''t settle - a combination of anxiety at having a sick child and anxiety because of all the decisions I had just made. Eventually I fell asleep but I know I watched the clock tick past 5.30am before I gave in. Youngest child woke me at 7.00am.

I got through yesterday just fine - there was so much nervous energy kicking around my system, I was more than a little bit hyper. I had a good day yesterday - I applied for a job. Thank you to Lyle who left me a comment pointing the way to find my local authority's website. I found the site and they had exactly the job I was looking for, top of the page. Relief lunchtime catering assistant. I know three women now that do this and all of them have said that they have work every single day that they want it. There are pros and cons but being relief rather than permanent staff gives me the option to turn them down on any given day if I have a client from my trained job lined up. I still have a couple of clients that I am seeing semi-regularly and I will continue to take on new clients. Being relief staff gives me the chance to work both alongside each other for a period of time. It might not work out, hell, I might not even get the damn job - from the application form you would have thought I was applying to be Prime Minister! Anyway, my application went in online yesterday (their preferred application method) and if I haven't heard anything in 4 weeks then I haven't been successful. Fingers crossed for me please.

Then last night beckoned and predicably I was shattered - I hadn't even been able to take a cat-nap during the day. I tried to sleep at 10pm without any joy. I knew instantly there was no way I could sleep. So I got up and watched an old episode of CSI: Miami (it made me cry - some of those episodes are so sad) and ate a slice of freshly baked banana bread. That's something else - I'm manic around the house - I was baking banana bread and chocolate buns at 8pm last night and planning on repainting the kitchen before the estate agents come in. Anyway, I headed off to bed again just after 11pm and fell asleep pretty quickly.

It was shortlived though and I was awake at 3am. My mind was just racing. Trying to work out how much my monthly costs will be, how much will I earn from a new job, how much will he give me for the childrens' upkeep. Adding up figures in my head until I was dizzy. I watched the hours turn, listened to the boiler crank up for hot water at 5am, then the central heating kicking in at 5.30am. At 6am I got up and took a shower, then slipped back in bed only to be joined by a restless youngest child who wanted to talk about wobbly teeth (they haven't got any, they want one and it isn't fair....).

Eldest child got up at 7.30am and they both came downstairs while I fell back to sleep for maybe half an hour before resigning myself to the day.

Consequently, today I'm headachey and generally feeling below par. But I have to buy youngest child some new school shoes and so it's time for my first drive in almost 3 months. I have to go to the library, shoe shop, supermarket and post office - in that order. I'm a little nervous about driving but it has to be done and today is the day.

Some of that bounding positivity of the last couple of days has seeped away and the fear is starting to niggle. But that's natural, right?

i can see clearly now......

2006-02-21T09:25:00.000Z

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW.....

....the rain has gone

I did a lot of crying yesterday.

I spoke with two wonderful friends.

B lives only a couple of miles away from me. I had spoken to her on Sunday night and she called me to check how I was. I told her my plans. She's behind me 110%. And she made me cry. I'm still getting my head around what she said to me - she said that I was such a lovely person and I deserved someone that would respect, cherish and love me. And that she knew how much I would blossom when I had that in my life.

J lives over 100 miles away from me. We have been friends since we were babies. We have the same photo in our bedrooms - a photo in which I was 9 months old and she was 2 years old, sat in my back garden. We're more like sisters than friends. Sometimes though we drift away from each others lives for a while and that had happened. It's always a temporary thing though - her absence in my life is like a missing limb. I had emailed her yesterday explaining what was happening. I thought she might find it hard to deal with as she and her husband have been good friends to both DH and I. I was worried she wouldn't understand.

She messaged me from work within seconds of me hitting the 'send' button on my email. She promised to call me when she had opportunity in the evening. So last night, at around 9.30pm, she called me. I took the phone up to bed and lay in bed while we talked. We talked until 12.30am. She too, understood, and she too made me cry with her kindness. It seems that she is another friend who has witnessed his attitude towards me - she told me that she saw years ago how badly he treated me. And she said that she almost had to restrain her husband from driving the 100 miles to come and get me there and then. She too said that I deserved more.

It humbles me to hear people saying that I deserve more. I find it hard to get my head around it and I suppose that is just one more way in which he has stripped away my sense of self.

I have one more close friend to talk to now - C. She knows some of what is happening. She came round on Saturday morning, very briefly, looked at my face and hugged me and told me to stay strong.

Then mum.

J knows my mum very very well. Our mums are mums to both of us, not just one of us. J was as adamant as she possibly could be that my mum would not want me or the children to be here a second longer than necessary. She made me promise to tell mum everything that is happening - not just that I want out of the marriage. Damn, she knows me too well and she knows how close I hold these things and how hard it is to actually tell people.

I made a couple more decisions yesterday, a couple more plans.

I told B that I was thinking of applying for some kind of job within a school- maybe initially as a mid-day supervisor. It won't pay lots but it will pay regularly. The hours mean I can and will still be there for the girls. And I won't have to worry about holiday childcare. It's a way in and once in a school environment there is scope for me moving across to maybe work as a classroom assistant. That's something I would be good at and I know it. Anyway, back to the point. It turns out that there is a vacant position as a mid-day supervisor at the school B's children attend. I can't make enquiries this week as it's the half-term break and school is closed but you can bet your life that I will be ringing first thing on Monday morning. And then I will be ringing every other school in the area to see if they have any vacancies.

I also made a decision that I am going to push for selling this house straight away. I know this was something I have always wanted to avoid but yesterday I sat and really thought. The bottom line, as some of you know, is that I have debts. I say 'I' because I was stupid enough to have these credit cards in my sole name, despite the fact that whatever has been spent on them has been for the benefit of the family. I know that there are ways that I could make arrangements with the companies (only two of them) for smaller repayments but I don't want these hanging over my head. Nor do I want to destroy my credit rating. So yesterday I did some research. There are two properties for sale on my road, both of which are easily comparable with this house. I took a mid-point of their sale prices (one of them is already sold) and I worked out that if we sold this place we could clear all our debts. Everything. Credit cards, mortgage, the lot. And we would both walk away with a substantial amount of money. A fresh start. As soon as the children go back to school next week I will be calling round the estate agents and getting them to do pre-sale valuations.

I won't be looking to buy a new property straight away - I won't be in a position to. So I plan to rent. I have a couple of potential irons in the fire there too, although its nothing I can talk about just yet in case I'm being pre-emptive.

So I have plans. Definite plans. Still one day, one step at a time but I actually feel like I am making those steps now instead of just standing still.

it's a calm morning

2006-02-20T09:20:00.000Z

IT'S A CALM MORNING

He left at 6.00am for two weeks.

The relief is palpable.

I talked with eldest child a little last night - said that what happened was not their fault and that what he did was wrong. I have to be careful with this child - it is prone to attributing blame. I don't want this child to grow up thinking that if only it had done as it was told last night then mummy and daddy would still be together.

Last night might well have been the catalyst that swings me into action but it is certainly not the cause. I don't want either of the children to think, even for the briefest second, that it was the cause.

It's ironic that I was listening to your advice about divorce only 24 hours previously. There was some good and sound advice there - thank you for leaving your comments. They all made me really think.

I have an opportunity to talk with my parents at the weekend. They have no idea of how things have been. I need their support right now. I spoke to one friend last night, quietly, after it had happened. I'll speak with the other this week. It's time to call in the support that has been offered. It's time to stop pretending to them all that things are okay.

I don't want or plan to leave this house. The children need as much stability as possible and that means they stay here, with me, in their own house. I am standing firm on that for as long as I possibly can. He will have to leave. I'm open to the fact that we may have to leave here at some point but it's not my first course of action.

My first course of action is to stop protecting him by pretending everything is okay and to start protecting my children by letting people know that it's not okay.

I'm not looking forward to the conversation with my mum. I went over and over and over in my head what I will say to her and I realised that she has tolerated a similar relationship for 36 years. I love my dad and he has mellowed considerably as he has grown older but as I lay thinking about what I would say to her I started to remember some of the incidents that happened when I was a child and I started to recognise similar patterns. I don't want those patterns to exist in my children's relationships. I'm anxious that my mum won't support me in this - that she will just say this is what marriage is about and I just have to get on with it. I would rather have her support - I need her support - but if she can't give it then I am prepared to do this without her. Part of me feels ashamed of going to her and admitting that this marriage hasn't worked. I don't want her to be disappointed in me. I have to accept that she may be disappointed in me though.

My immediate plan now is to get a job. I don't care what it is. I'll clean toilets if I have to. I just need to have some regular income, no matter how small it is. The only real stipulation is that I still have to be able to take my children from school and pick them up at night, and that I don't want to have to employ childcare at any time. Ideally I want something that he doesn't have to know anything about. At least not yet. I have a couple of ideas that I am mulling over and a couple of phone calls to make today.

We are okay here this morning. The children have some friends here to play, I can hear them laughing upstairs playing some game about slimy seaweed. That's a nice sound.

I'm starting to realise that I don't need to find all the answers at once, nor do I need to do everything in one day. Just one day, one step at a time. I can see freedom on the horizon. It might be a little distant still but it is getting closer by the day.

taking a turn for the worse

2006-02-19T20:09:00.000Z

TAKING A TURN FOR THE WORSE

Just this.

She's fine now.

I should have told him there and then to get out.

I know what I have to do.

sigh

2006-02-17T17:34:00.000Z

*SIGH*

~S~ has gone to work at a different office this afternoon. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I don't know why I'm having such a difficult day today, I really don't. Well, maybe I do.

DH is having work issues - he is really hating his job at the moment and wants to leave. That's fine in principle but we have financial committments which he just doesn't seem to see. I feel like a class one bitch because I do see these committments.

I'm also really struggling to offer any emotional support to him - it's no secret to anyone that reads here regularly that my marriage is on life-support and not simply because I'm in love with ~S~. It was terminally ill long before ~S~ came along. But I think I've reached the limit now and marital euthanasia is looking like a sensible option.

I'm just terrified of switching the life support off.

Yes, I'm a coward. I should do the decent thing and administer a lethal dose of something so that both he and I can get on with our lives. I don't know how to do it.

If DH stays in his present job then likely things will limp along as they have been. But if he doesn't I need to get out. With my children.

But therein lies another problem. Everywhere I turn of late there's an article or an opinion on the effects of divorce on children. The negative effects. Stories of children never being able to forgive their parents, and carrying resentment into adulthood. What will I be doing to my children when I split up with their daddy? Will they ever forgive me? Will I destroy their lives? What a hellish responsibility.

I love my children to the ends of the earth and without this marriage I wouldn't have them. So I can't sit here and wish I had never married in the first place because that would be wishing them away.

It seems that whatever I do I am damned. Damned if I stay in an unhappy and sometimes abusive marriage. Damned if I leave and turn those little people's lives upside down.

I just want to sit and cry.

come and play

2006-02-17T11:09:00.000Z

COME AND PLAY

Saw this on a website I browse on and really liked it. Come and play with me. You need to register, takes all of 10 seconds, and then you can do the quiz.

clicky here to play

illegitimis nil carborundum

2006-02-15T19:06:00.000Z

ILLEGITIMIS NIL CARBORUNDUM

Once upon a time there was a 17 year old girl. Let's call her Anne. Anne got a job, a good job that her daddy said was 'a job for life'. That job was in a big bank. She would be working at a small local office. Anne worked hard. She learned fast and was well liked by everyone in that office.

Soon she found herself looking at promotion.

Anne moved to a big office, in a big city. It was busy and for the first few weeks she spent her time getting to grips with all the new staff there - and there were lots of them. It was very different to her old office and she was a little scared but determined to make things work out.

Now most of the staff there were lovely. They helped her find her feet, showed her the ropes and welcomed her in. But there was one woman. Judith.

Now Judith hated Anne on sight. Judith had worked for the same bank and in the same office for 15 years so she was a lot older than Anne. And she was a lot more experienced than Anne. But Judith hated Anne's youth and her spirit. She hated the fact that Anne was moving onwards and upwards when she, Judith, was still in the same place she started.

And so she started to make life difficult for Anne. When Anne was talking to a customer Judith would butt in and undermine her. When Anne went into the staff room for lunch, Judith would ignore her. Judith would bring treats in for everyone else - but not for Anne. She'd give Anne the wrong information and when Anne made a mistake she ridiculed her in front of anyone that cared to listen. She chipped away at Anne's confidence slowly but surely.

Anne used to cry on the way home from work at night. She'd hide in the corner of the train carriage and let the tears slip down her face. Then she'd wipe them away and re-do her mascara before she went home to her parents and pretended everything was okay.

It made Anne sick. She stopped eating and would often faint on the busy journey into work when she had to stand up on the train. Sometimes she would faint at work - once she had to be taken to hospital by ambulance because she hit her head badly as she fell.

Anne stuck it out for three long years. She never once retaliated. At night she dreamt of answering back with a witty comment, or even just standing up for herself but she never found the courage to do it. Nor did she ever talk about this to anyone else. She kept it to herself, ashamed and believing it was all her fault.

Then miraculously she was offered another promotion. A smaller branch this time, but a much higher position.

She took the position and worked herself into the ground. She proved herself and after less than a year she was offered yet another promotion - this time to another bigger branch. There she encountered some of the staff she had previously worked with and as they talked and grew more comfortable with each other she began to learn the truth about Judith.

Judith was a serial bully. Lots of people were afraid of her. And lots of people had noticed the way that she had bullied Anne. It wasn't right that none of them had intervened, but such is life.
But what it had changed was their perception of Anne. What Anne thought was weakness, they had seen as strength. When Anne felt ashamed, they saw her dignity. When Anne was scared, they saw courage.

Needless to say, Anne survived.

Illegitimis nil carborundum

she is so beautiful

2006-02-14T07:48:00.000Z

SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL

Powered by Castpost

This is, of course, for my ~S~.

From the second my mind flutters into wakefulness she fills my thoughts.

She is so beautiful
I've got no words to describe
The way she makes me feel inside

Every night sleep plays a cruel trick and my first waking movement is a hand sliding across the bed, seeking her warm body. Then the crashing realisation that she is not there dawns upon me.
Every single thing I do throughout the day I need to share with her. She's tucked safely into my heart, wrapped in the tissue paper of my love.

Before sleep beckons me at night I see her in my mind's eye, I feel her wrap her arms around me, her skin melting into mine.

I'm flying solo
As free and as light as a bird
Yet I would lay my wings down in a moment
To guard and comfort her

The thought of waiting just one more day to touch her seems impossible. September is an aeon away. But September will come and she will step off that plane. She'll walk through the arrivals lounge and I will pull her into my arms. And when I finally quell the tears that I know will spill, then I will whisper in her ear 'welcome home'.

For she is like a song
She is like a ray of light
She is like children playing
Like harps and bells and cymbals playing
And she is like a wind
Moving, soothing, bringing joy
And here am I
Destroyed

Such sweet destruction.

My darling ~S~ I love you with all my heart and soul. Never before did the English language seem so sadly lacking.

She's the most beautiful soul
I ever have met in this life

progress

2006-02-13T12:16:00.000Z

PROGRESS

I've been for a walk!!!

I know, such a trivial thing, but it's a big thing to me!

When I'm pottering around the house I'm pretty much okay now - I can't do stairs properly yet and until I can do stairs properly I can't think about driving, but other than that I cope fine around the house. I'm still using support bandages and probably will be for a while yet.

I've been out twice over the weekend, still taking my crutches with me though.

But today I have a devil-may-care attitude and I decided to try and go out for a walk, minus the crutches. I planned it in my head, there's a little circuit that I can do which I reckoned would take me maybe fifteen minutes at a slow pace - seeing as all I can do is a slow pace. So off I went.

I've discovered that uphill is a little problematic, as is any area where the ground is uneven or has a sideways slope. Downhill is fine. Yes, admittedly there was some pain but it was bearable.

But I'm back and it took me only eleven minutes.

So I'm going to try and do this every day and see how I get on, there's a couple of other routes I can walk as well to build things up slowly and gradually until I get back to normal. I'm on my way!

exciting secrets.....

2006-02-12T13:50:00.000Z

EXCITING SECRETS.....

I've been somewhere today with the eldest child and I am sooooo excited! I wish I could tell you but it would be far too easy to identify me if (and I know it's a big if) anyone was passing through that knows me in real life. But I'm excited, the child is excited and the next couple of months are going to get more and more exciting for it.

And I told one of my closest friends about ~S~ coming over in September. I was oh-so-casual - she too knows that ~S~ exists and that we are 'close'. So it seemed perfectly natural to tell her that ~S~ will be visiting for a couple of weeks. She was happy and said it would be lovely. Oh yes, it will be lovely. More than lovely. Off the scale more than lovely.

Contrary to popular expectations, I didn't have a hangover on Saturday morning - in the end I only drank one glass of wine but that was enough for me to be 'toasted', as ~S~ said when she called me. She called me around 1am maybe 2am (I can't recall....) By that time I was curled up sleeping on the couch, snuggled under a furry throw. I talked nonsense to her, giggled when she said I was toasted and decided that I quite liked being toast just as long as I could have butter and jam. Toasted isn't a phrase I was familiar with but I like it - it's kind of cute. I shivered a lot while we talked - it was minus something dreadful outside and very very cold - so in the end ~S~ insisted I go to bed. My teeth chattered for ages - its hard having a meaningful conversation when your teeth are chattering. And being toasted is a bit of a disadvantage too! So, darling ~S~, I'm so sorry I subjected you to such mindless babble! Keep me away from the wine in future...

a nice glass of wine

2006-02-10T22:20:00.000Z

A NICE GLASS OF WINE

Disclaimer : please ignore anything I say whilst under the influence of a nice glass of wine.

I don't drink very often. At all. By drink I mean alcohol. It's very very rare that I partake in alcoholic beverage, believe it or not. But on Wednesday when I did my online shopping I must have been party to some spooky psychic prediction that I'd need a glass of wine tonight because I ordered a lovely bottle of Colombard. It's chilled nicely in the fridge for a couple of hours and now I have a rather lovely glass of it right in front of me. Sorry, let me correct that - I have half a rather lovely glass of it right in front of me.

The problem is that I can't take my drink at all. So half a glass and I'm on the way to being tipsy. I'm a cheap date, I tell you. This wine tastes nice though. I don't know what drew me to Colombard. I'd like to think it was some inner knowledge of wine - I weighed up the qualities of Colombard against Chardonnay. Nope. It was so much simpler than that - it was reduced. Reduced in price that is. Of course you knew that, didn't you?

I'm a bit loose-tongued when I've had a drink and right now I have an urge to scatter swear words about. I don't often swear unless I'm in big pain or stuck behind someone in a hat driving like Miss Daisy. What is it about people that drive in hats? Do you get that in the US? Someone - I can't remember who, I've had a sleep since then, once told me that if you see that the driver in front of you is wearing a hat then get the fuck out of their way because you will have no clue what they might do next. That is so bloody true it isn't even funny. Ohhhhh. I said fuck *giggles* Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That feels good. I have a bit of a problem with swearing normally. And with swearing abnormally. And who is to define what is normal and what is abnormal anyway? Certainly not little old me.

Ah I'm rambling. Aimlessly. Wandering. Reminds me of a song....

I love to go a-wandering along the mountain track.......and as I go I love to sing, my knapsack on my back........val-der-eeeee......val-der-aaahhhh......val-der-eeeeeeeee......
val-der-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha......val-der-eeeee.....val-der-ahhhhh.....my knapsack on my back....

I used to sing that all the time when I was a girl (spoken in best Northern accent). That and On Ilkley Moor baht 'at.

Wheear 'as ta bin sin ah saw thee,
On Ilkla Moor baht 'at?!
Wheear 'as ta bin sin ah saw thee?
Wheear 'as ta bin sin ah saw thee?
On Ilkla Moor baht 'at?!
On Ilkla Moor baht 'at?!
On Ilkla Moor baht 'at?!

Quite an interesting and morbid song really when you look into it. I should point out that I had to google for the correct spelling of baht 'at. Wouldn't do to get it wrong would it?

The wine is down to a quarter of a glass now. And it was quite a big glass. I might have another. Then I might fall asleep head first over the keyboard and wake in the morning with qwertyuiop implanted on my forehead. Actually that would be physically impossible since a) my forehead isn't that big, and b) the keys aren't embossed on this keyboard so I'd just have a long line of squares instead. Interesting look for a Saturday morning, don't you think? Hmm, just looking at the size of qwertyuiop on my keyboard I reckon it would fit on my forehead. Just. Maybe the p would get left off the end. I'll have a p please Bob. I think only Fish and maybe Minerva will get that reference. I used to laugh my little teenage head off when they asked for a p please Bob. Those were the days. Blockbusters with Bob Holness. I think I spelt his name wrong but I don't think he'll mind too much - I doubt he's reading and if he is then I'm dreadfully sorry. Rentaghost. I liked that too.

If your mansion house needs haunting just call........rentaghost
We've got spooks and ghouls and freaks and fools at.......rentaghost

Can't remember anymore. Probably not such a bad thing really. I liked the horse best. Was it really called Dobbin or was that a figment of my imagination?

Bloody hell fire I really am talking a load of old boswellox tonight aren't I?

I think I'll wander off with my glass of wine (second glass of wine) and visit a few blogs. If you've been brought here by a random and stupid comment on your blog then I apologise. I feel like spreading some love tonight. Purely platonic love of course - the other stuff is saved for ~S~.

Ah ~S~. I wondered how long it would be until my thoughts turned to her. Truth be told they never really left her, I was just momentarily distracted by random babbling. Did I mention at all that I love her? I mean really love her? Good. Because I do. Totally bloody crazy isn't it? She's at work right now. She'll be home by 1am. My time, not hers. So I'm trying to stay up and stay awake until then but I suspect the wine won't exactly help me with that. Honestly though? I'd love to be in bed with her now. I'm so relaxed and chilled she could do whatever she wants and I wouldn't put up a fight. Not that I would anyway. Must not let my thoughts drift off in this way.....

Okay, random blog wanderings now, off to spread some love.....

high-maintenance

2006-02-09T08:28:00.000Z

HIGH-MAINTENANCE

So ~S~ and I were talking briefly about this yesterday. It sparked a little curiousity in my hungry mind. What exactly would you define as high-maintenance?

I wouldn't like to think of myself as a high-maintenance woman, I really wouldn't. To me that conjures up images of women a la Carey and J-Lo, with diva like tendencies. Women that throw hissy fits and tantrums when they don't get their own way. Women that make ludicrous demands - whether those demands are for perfect toast or white lillies or one diamond for every week of the relationship.

Disclaimer : I'm not saying that Ms Carey or Ms Lopez are high-maintenance. I'm merely using them as examples given the press coverage their supposedly diva-like qualities have courted. They may well be the most self-depreciating, unassuming and low-maintenance women ever to have walked the earth. Having not had the pleasure of getting to know them in person I have no way of knowing for sure.

So. I really don't want to be high-maintenance but I suspect there are aspects of me which either are now, or could be dangerously close to being high-maintenance. Emotionally I think I am quite needy. Something that we women are warned against being because of it's sheer unattractiveness. I need to know that I am loved.

But I don't need the grand gesture. I don't need diamonds and roses. A simple whispered 'I love you' will do. Someone remembering my favourite chocolate bar and bringing it home unexpectedly. Someone running a bath for me and insisting I climb in and relax instead of tackling the ironing. Someone cooking dinner for me once in a blue moon, letting me occasionally watch the shows I want to watch on TV even when they don't want to watch them. An unexpected phone call in the middle of the day, just because. Simple things. Because they mean the most.

Someone that won't laugh at me when I cry at ads on the TV, someone that will bring home a weepy film and a box of tissues and will still tell me I look beautiful when my nose is red and my eyes are streaming 2 hours later.

Someone who will give me the freedom to be me, within the safety of their arms.

Does this make me high-maintenance? I don't know. It's not something I ever thought of before. I'm really interested to hear your opinions on this - men and women alike.

guilty pleasures

2006-02-08T13:23:00.000Z

GUILTY PLEASURES

Today it was sleep.

~S~ called me. I laughed when I realise how much I am a creature of habit. I always sit in front of the PC when I am waiting for her to call. And then when she does call I always say exactly the same thing to her, every single morning, and always with the biggest smile on my face. It isn't something I'd even realised that I did until this morning.

As I'm talking to her, I get up from the PC and wander through to the lounge to settle down on the couch while we chat. We chat for a little while. Okay then, make that more like an hour. And I look at the clock and realise that she will have to go soon to get just a bit more sleep before she gets up for work.

So I get up from the couch and wander upstairs, lie down on my bed and imagine I am lying next to her. Eventually we say our goodbyes.

And then I'm asleep, with her. In a place that knows no name. A place of our own creation.

When I finally waken, with a start, it's 12.30pm and I've been lost in slumber for 2 hours.

What a deliciously guilty pleasure.

tag number two

2006-02-07T10:25:00.000Z

TAG NUMBER TWO

Thanks to Southern Belle for this one.....

Four movies you would watch over and over:
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Bad Boys/Bad Boys II
The Count of Monte Cristo
City Of Angels

Four places you have lived:
Not terribly exciting....
lived in four houses....
all within a 5 mile radius....
of the place I was born.

Four TV shows you love to watch:
Strictly Come Dancing (please come back - I miss you!)
Dancing On Ice (have to get my fix of rhinestones somewhere)
Nighty Night (so very twisted and yet I laugh like nothing on earth at this)
CSI (new convert, thanks to ~S~)

Four places you have been on vacation:
Cornwall
Balearic Islands
Scotland
Barcelona

Four websites you visit daily:
~S~
everyone on my blogroll - honest!
that's about it
really

Four of your favorite foods:
Chocolate (so predictable)
Bread (I'm a simple girl at heart - any bread will do but preferably fresh whole granary bread)
Cheese (A nice strong piece of mature Cheddar or a nice tangy Cheshire please - to go with the bread)
Almonds (mix with the chocolate and I am in heaven)

Four places you would rather be right now:
The obvious answer to this is with ~S~. Just assume that for all of the following she is with me...
In bed
In a Lush bath
Ireland

Three bloggers you are tagging:
The lovely Minx
The adorable patti-cake
The fiesty firetiger

Get to it, ladies.

I think I'm a little run down at the moment - I woke up this morning to discover the beginnings of a very ugly and very painful coldsore on my lower lip. Yuk. I haven't had a coldsore for years and years. To be honest, it's beyond me how I'm run down. I mean, it's not like I've been going anywhere or doing very much is it? I suppose that my body has been preoccupied with foot-healing, that's the only explanation I can think of. Anyway, I'll fish out the tea tree oil and slap some of that on it - it should do the trick.

On the foot front, things are mixed. I've been using my crutches again - admittedly not as much as I should but I have had to use them quite often. There's also been quite a lot of pain. The sort of pain that suddenly stops me in my tracks and makes me shout 'fuck' very loudly. I'm not sure if this is normal or not, so I'm just going to keep an eye on things. I was hoping to be thinking about driving maybe next week but there's still a complete lack of flexibility in my ankle so that puts a delay on things.

On the home front things are relatively calm. DH has been almost reasonable, he goes away again on Thursday (I think) as crazy season starts for him. I think he's looking forward to it. There's a lot of unspoken tension between us right now.

There's a lot of stuff happening with the children too. I wish I could blog about it but it would give far too much of my identity away. I had a good old rant to ~S~ about some of it on Sunday night, it felt good to air it. It's not all rant stuff though - there's actually some pretty exciting things happening right now with my offspring - pretty major stuff. Maybe I need somewhere I can password protect and then I can share some of this stuff with those of you that I have come to know and trust. I don't know. It's frustrating because this will take up a lot of my life for at least another two months and I can't talk about it.

I'm working today - from home - that's good. I've had a spate of phone calls and enquiries over the last couple of weeks which has resulted in several appointments. I'm glad to be working a little again, I miss it when I don't. So today I have an appointment scheduled for 2pm for an hour. And on Thursday I have three appointments scheduled. I love my work. It's a shame it has no consistency or reliability but I do seriously love it.

Right, I've been pottering long enough now. I've just had a wonderful conversation with ~S~ on the phone, sometimes we can just talk and talk and talk and say nothing and everything all at the same time. Funny how my heart still does a flip when the phone rings and I know it's her at the other end. And how it still drops when we say goodbye. September getting ever closer though, 7 months and 5 days.......

tagged - twice

2006-02-06T12:17:00.000Z

TAGGED - TWICE

Not one to be rude, I'm finally responding. Daydreamer tagged me for this one - well over a week ago now. I'm sorry for being so late, sweetie!

Anyway, she wanted to know five wierd habits about me. I've thought about these for a while and am well aware that they make me sound like a complete nutter desperately in need of behavioural therapy *laughs*.

1. I cannot bear the feeling of food underneath my fingernails. If I'm prepping raw meat for dinner, I handle it with forks - can't even think about touching it in case it gets under my nails. I'd have to scrub for a week if it did. The same applies to anything 'damp' - fruit, veg, making pastry - nope nope nope - just don't get it under my nails!!!!

2. I have a similar problem with getting food on my face. I can't eat an apple without cutting it up because I can't bear it if the apple touches the skin around my mouth. Peaches, oranges, pears are a complete no-no because they're just too juicy and I can't deal with it running on my face. Same with sandwiches. I have to eat around them rather than through them to minimise the risk of it touching my face.

3. I'm a complusive straightener. Throws, duvets, towels, piles of DVDs, CDs - all have to be straight. I used to spend pretty much all day straightening the throws on our old couch. In fact I would refuse to sit on it because it would mean I would have to straighten the throws afterwards. Problem solved now though, we have a leather couch and a big throw that flings nicely over the back and even better - it stays straight. Thankfully I've overcome the need to alphabetise my CD collection - that was a pain in the proverbial!

4. I don't drink anything other than hot water. No tea. No coffee. Maybe I have the occasional hot chocolate, and last week I decided to try and drink green tea. Can't do it. It's not that I don't like other drinks - I do - but I like hot water more. It is guaranteed to get me plenty of strange looks when I go to out for coffee with friends and order hot water.

5. I have to smell new flip-flops. Have to. I love the summer months because our local supermarket has a whole aisle dedicated to plastic flip-flops and I adore the smell. It's nothing to do with the flip-flops - its that delicious smelling combination of plastic and rubber. I get as high as a kite.

Okay, I think that has confirmed my place as a complete and utter lunatic now.

This is the bit where I should tag people, isn't it? I've never done this before.....kind of nervous....

I am going to tag people simply because I was so pleased to be tagged in the first place - I felt so loved! So I'm passing on that love and tagging the following.....

~S~ - Well now that was obvious wasn't it? Do you have any wierd habits I don't know about, baby??

Fish - Are you a 'tag' type of person? I suspect not but what the hell, I'm tagging you anyway simply because you're a fellow Brit.

Cycle Guy - I've not seen you tagged yet - maybe I just missed it or maybe you too avoid these things. Tough. *laughs*

Rose - Just because I can, sweetie xx

Southern Belle - Because she tagged me too! And because I don't think she did this one yet.....

So there you have it. I'm working on the other tag thing and will probably post it tomorrow - I need four willing volunteers to be tagged for that one - any takers? If you missed out today and really want to be tagged then let me know and I will happily do you. Otherwise I'll be tapping my fingers and looking around the room in my best school-teacher way....

That's all for today - off to sniff a flip-flop now.....

emails across the distance

2006-02-04T22:04:00.000Z

EMAILS ACROSS THE DISTANCE

me to ~S~

*sigh*

I miss you baby.

I miss you so much.

Please find something to fill this empty space where you should be.

I made some lunch - lentil soup and bread - it was pleasant enough but would have tasted better with you beside me.

It's cold here too. I need your arms around me.I just miss you.

I love you forever

xxx

~S~ to me

Baby if I find something to fill that empty space, where do I go? :o( I hate you feeling this way, but I'm scared of the alternative...

I love you.

xxx

me to ~S~

Baby, you don't go anywhere without me.

I guess I'm just struggling to cope with being apart from you. I know I have to cope. I know I will eventually learn to cope. It just feels so hard today. I sit at the PC re-reading all our old conversations and emails. I look at your pictures constantly. My heart aches so much.

I love you ~S~, and try as I might nothing will fill that empty space. You are the only one that is a perfect fit.

xxx

~S~ to me

Writing is the only answer. It's the best therapy. Write on your blog. Write in Word. Just write. How you feel. Write about nothing

me to ~S~

There is nothing else. There is only you.

You need to work, I'll stop distracting you now.

I love you forever

xxx

~S~ to me

You are all I care about. Not work, not anything else. I am alone right now.

me to ~S~

Baby I love you. I am so so cold, I can't stop shivering.

Just put your arms around me and hold me? Please?

xxx

~S~ to me

Feel my arms around you. My heartbeat matching yours. My warm touch igniting tiny fires within you. I love you forever.

Sorry about yesterday.

For the first time I'm having to get used to not being able to speak with ~S~ as much as usual - her new job has very limited internet access. She can check emails periodically but not very often. It's just hit me so much harder than I ever thought it would and yesterday was a knee jerk reaction to that.

In fact, she had woken in a panic in the middle of the night, realising that she hadn't emailed or messaged me and anticipating my reaction. She called me, as she always does, and we talked as we always do. And yes, it made me feel so much better. It always does.

Like most people, I've been having blogger problems today. So if you left me a comment yesterday and it isn't showing, it's because blogger has helpfully deleted it. It did at least have the decency to send it to my inbox beforehand so I have seen all comments, I think. And if this post spontaneously combusts then it'll be blogger. But then if it spontaneously combusts you won't even see this to know about it *laughs*

early morning wandering

2006-02-03T07:35:00.000Z

EARLY MORNING WANDERING

~ I woke up this morning and there wasn't a message from ~S~ on my phone. It made me sad.
~ I rushed downstairs to check my emails and there wasn't an email either. That made me more sad.
~ I immediately went to her blog and read that she was tired.
~ I understood the lack of messages then, but it didn't make me feel any better.
~ I now have a stupid lump in my throat from trying not to cry.
~ Perhaps I am tired too.
~ My foot hurts badly again. I think I am doing too much. It swelled last night. I know I am doing too much.
~ I've never needed someone so badly in any relationship before ever.
~ I don't know how to handle that neediness and it scares me.
~ I wish I didn't interpret a simple lack of message as something entirely different. I get mad at myself for that.
~ I dislike making sandwiches with coleslaw on at 6.30am.
~ Coleslaw smells unpleasant at 6.30am.
~ Someone in my blogroll has the most fantastic news and I am so so happy for them.
~ I miss someone else in my blogroll because they haven't been around for a long time.
~ Each day seems very long at the moment.
~ I am becoming a little reclusive and starting to avoid leaving the house. This is not good.
~ I dream about ~S~ every night. Last night I dreamt she was taking photographs of me as I was sleeping. I don't know how I knew this in my dream because I was asleep in it.
~ DH is being uncharacteristically civil right now. I think it is because I am playing by his rules.
~ It makes me nervous when he is civil. I'm waiting for something to happen.
~ I have absolutely no attraction to him whatsoever. Sexual or otherwise.
~ I don't think I will eat today.
~ My right ear has that feeling of 'being underwater'. I can't hear anything with it and it is very very unsettling.
~ I know I should get it syringed.
~ I'm avoiding ringing the Doctor in the same way that I am avoiding going out.
~ It is very cold here today. Minus something.
~ I need to talk to ~S~ but I am worried that she won't call me when she normally does.
~ There's an hour and ten minutes to go until call time. That seems like a long time right now.
~ I never loved anyone the way that I love her.
~ I was tagged over a week ago by someone and I still haven't done it. I'm sorry. I will do it, I promise.
~ Someone no longer comments on my blog even though they still visit. That makes me sad too. I think I have somehow offended them. I'm not saying who it is because I don't want them to feel they have to comment.
~ September seems like a very long way away.
~ My calendar ends in September. It's almost like I have no life beyond that.
~ I don't want her to go back after September but I can't see a way for her to stay.
~ I want to walk and dance and I'm very frustrated that I still can't.
~ I know I just have to be patient.
~ I'm not good at being patient.
~ I'm sorry for the lack of direction in this post.
~ I may delete this later. I may not.
~ What I really want most right now is to be lying in bed beside her, watching the day break over her skin.

that feels soooo good.....

2006-02-02T00:36:00.000Z

THAT FEELS SOOOO GOOD.....

*sighs blissfully*

Those of you that are regular visitors here will know the story behind this picture.

The heaven of a long awaited bath...

If my feet could talk right now they would be sighing in ecstacy. In fact, my whole body was in a state of blissful ecstacy, enveloped in warm waves of water, scented bubbles up to my nose. I scrubbed, soothed and lapped it up, then lotioned and potioned until my skin was silky smooth. All I needed was someone special to rub my back....

Happy HNT - pop on over to Osbasso to see people that bare far more interesting flesh than me...

whoooo-hooooo!!!!

2006-02-01T12:25:00.000Z

WHOOOO-HOOOOO!!!!!

The cast is off!!!

My foot is healing nicely and I no longer need a plaster cast. I'm back on crutches but can now start to put a little weight on it. As long as I am careful and don't overdo it I should be driving again in the next 3-4 weeks. Lovely Doctor did say that I will probably still get pain for as long as a year, and that pain means I'm overdoing it so no marathons just yet. I'm just so so so glad to be out of plaster.

First thing on my list now??

A long long long soak in a very hot and very bubbly Lush bath which may just feature in HNT tomorrow *big grin*

moved to tears

2006-01-31T11:04:00.000Z

MOVED TO TEARS

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The Waterboys were incredible. Just amazing. I've loved them for years and years and to finally have the opportunity to see them live was mind-blowing.

We travelled quite a distance to see them (took us over 3 hours to get there) and I have to admit by being a little disappointed by the venue to begin with. It was a seated venue, which just doesn't gel with a band like The Waterboys. On the positive side though, it's quite a small venue and even on Row 10 we had the most incredible view of the stage and seemed to be really close to the band. Plus the acoustic there are amazing - it's a purpose built venue designed for an orchestra, need I say more.

For the first two thirds of the show all the audience remained glued to their seats, frustrating to say the least. Then, mid-way through 'Killing My Heart' a guy got up and started dancing beside his seat until, unable to contain himself he ran down to the front next to the stage (which must only have been about 2 feet high) and proceeded to dance away. The security staff were upon him like a pack of hounds though, and 'escorted' him firmly back to his seat.

The turning point came, however, when straight away Mike Scott poked a little fun at the venue by asking if it was against the rules to dance, followed by a cheeky '.....well, I'm dancing....' The repressed and frustrated audience needed no further prompting and immediately we all leapt to our feet (well, I didn't so much leap but the thought was there!). This changed the atmosphere completely from one of sedate appreciation to a far more appropriate 'close your eyes, fling your body around and dance like no-one can see you' experience. That was what I wanted! It was over far too quickly, my foot was agony and I was hot and sweaty but it was totally worth it.

I cried when they played 'Stolen Child' - I don't think it has been on a set list of theirs for many years and probably isn't the easiest track to perform live but, my oh my, it sent shivers down my spine and tears rolling down my cheeks. I wish I could relive it again right now.

But I have my shiny new live CD to cling too, blurry photos taken with my camera phone and memories of a fantastic night. Next time they tour, ~S~ is coming with me, come what may.

So what else is new?

Plenty and nothing, actually.

~S~ started a new job yesterday and I spent the whole day pining for her. No internet connection so we can't even communicate by email during the day and it really isn't what she wants to do at all. I'm really hoping that as she settles in it becomes a little more challenging because at the moment it seems to be mind-numbingly boring. But on the plus side, it is still paying well and there is a vague possibility of it being permanent. I know it's not what she wants to do, but hey, it pays and as mercenary as this sounds, that's all that matters right now. Besides, she can continue to look for something better while she is there. It isn't my decision to make though and whatever she decides to do I will support her 110%. It's important that she's happy.

I've spent the morning trying to get a new wireless headset configured to Skype so that we can talk for free. It has driven me nuts. I can get it to work but everytime I want to connect I have to switch drivers (something to do with XP having a built in bluetooth driver that won't support the headset I'm using), then I have to pair the headset to the PC, and then I have to configure the Skype settings. Every bloody time. I got it working but then tried to listen to some music through my speakers. Nope. Not playing. And in getting the speakers to work again it booted out the headset so now guess what, I have to reset the whole bloody thing again. I can't fathom out why it won't just remember that I want the headset with Skype and everything else as it was. Bloody technology. But it will be worth it to be able to talk to ~S~ on a wireless headset (so I can wander round the house like I do when I am on the phone) and not have a phone bill the size of a small third world debt. And I'm sure that once I have messed with it a few times I will be able to figure out a way to switch things over quickly and without having to reboot the PC. In the meantime I've switched it off in disgust.

What else then?

Well, I'm back at the hospital tomorrow.

It's d-day.

Since I broke it, I have had one set of x-rays. After this I had a week at home with no plaster cast, no protection and a seriously vulnerable shattered foot. When they finally managed to get a plaster cast on, they did so without checking that the bones were all still in the right place.

Almost seven weeks later and tomorrow I am due to be x-rayed.

I'm clinging to the hope that everything is as it should be and the cast can come off tomorrow. If that is the case then I'll have my life and my independence back within 3 weeks - after physio and stuff.

But I can live with it if I need to stay in the cast for a while longer - just so long as it is healing properly.

Worst case scenario is that the whole thing has been messed up and it needs re-breaking and pinning. But hey, I'm a glass-half-full kind of girl and that just isn't going to happen, is it?

in a past life

2006-01-28T13:08:00.000Z

IN A PAST LIFE

I could draw. A little bit anyway.

Scrunched up on my bed with it's patchwork quilt, a pile of soft toys at one end and a collection of hand-sewn cushions at the other. My pearlescent white 'ghetto-blaster' pumping out tinny renditions of The Smiths, Billy Idol and The Cult. I really did call it a 'ghetto-blaster'. This is despite the fact that my corner of green and pleasant England is about as far removed from a ghetto as it is possible to be. I never saw the irony in it, but then I was only 17.

My desk was a kitchen tray, precariously balanced on my knee. The tools of my trade were Staedler fine tip pens and some cheap paper that dad brought home from work one day. Cheap paper, but BIG sheets - A1, I think. I used to fold it into A3 sheets and work on those. The ends always fell over the edge of the tray and I had to keep shifting it across to keep a solid surface beneath me. Sometimes I had to work upside down or at funny angle. But I would rather do that and remain in happy solitude in my room than sit at the infinitely more practical but infinitely less solitary kitchen table.

I would work from anything, and in fact I had a file full of clippings from newspapers and magazines of pictures I wanted to draw. Nothing was sacred - advertisments, record sleeves, photographs. Everywhere I looked I saw something. I just didn't have the time to do it all and that was a source of eternal frustration.

Sometimes I would draw in pencil, sometimes with those Staedler pens I favoured. Sometimes I had to use fabric and thread. I can remember being awake until dawn broke on several occasions - I has copied the whole album sleeve from Queen's LP 'A Day At The Races' and was embroidering it in satin stitch on a denim jacket for a school friend. It took me about 4 months to finish it, and it was a work of art when it was completed I haven't seen that friend for about 18 years now and I wonder if they still have the jacket. I doubt it.

I dreamt of being an artist. I took art at school, along with creative textiles, and yearned for a creative lifestyle. I failed both exams and cried for a week, all hope squashed flat. No-one understood why I had failed, especially not my teachers who pushed me to appeal. But my heart was broken and my confidence shattered.

I kept the drawings, carefully laid one of those posh artists binders that my parents bought me for Christmas one year.

I've never been able to throw those drawings away - they represent something to me, even if I can't identify exactly what it is.

The portfolio has been tucked away at the back of my wardrobe and yesterday I pulled it out and opened it for the first time in about 10 years. On the back of each is a small pencil mark showing the year I did it. All my work stopped when I failed those exams, and I haven't picked up a pencil or pen to draw since.

I can remember quite clearly working on them. They are made up from thousands, if not millions, of tiny tiny dots. I had such patience back then. Patience, good eyesight and hope.

Marilyn Monroe. I think you can tell? I was reading a book about her life and the original photo was taken the day she announced her divorce from Joe DiMaggio. The mum of one of my friends loved this so much that she made me photocopy it for her and she still has it hanging in her house to this day.

This was taken from the sleeve of a Def Leppard single - 'Animal', I think. You can see a tiny mark on the white in the centre - I dropped a piece of chocolate on it. There are also a couple of smudges where tiny drops of something - probably Diet Coke - made their way onto the paper. And there's a patch of red in the midst of yellow that shouldn't be there. I wasn't concentrating and can still remember how annoyed I was when I realised I had picked up the wrong colour pen.

Minx may well recognise this. It was the album sleeve from Genesis, 'Wind & Wuthering'. Never finished, as you can tell by the pencil guidelines that are still evident. The tree is, I think, my favourite part of this - you can't see it so well here, but that too is made up from clusters of tiny tiny dots. The trunk is hundreds of tiny lines.

Morrisey from The Smiths. I liked him, I liked their music, hence I drew him.

won't be around much

2006-01-28T13:07:00.000Z

WON'T BE AROUND MUCH

Not for the weekend anyway.

Well, it's already Saturday afternoon anyway. But tonight it's essential viewing for me - 'Dancing on Ice' - I love anything with glittery costumes - and I have a copy of 'Hello Dolly!' to watch on video too.

Then tomorrow I'm going to my concert. Actually, after my brief spell of indifference I am looking forward to it now. Doubtless I'll come home with no voice - in fact I'll be disappointed if I don't.

Have a good weekend.

sugar fix

2006-01-27T14:28:00.000Z

SUGAR FIX

Such a tragic day today.

I'm craving sugar like nothing on earth and a lengthy search of the cupboards, fridge and freezer proved completely pointless. Then, tucked away behind a can of chopped tomatoes appeared this.....

Nothing to get excited over, I assure you. I mean, it's rice pudding which is good. But it is low fat and low sugar rice pudding which is not good. But you know what they say, any port in a storm and all that. It was still in date - just - and I really can't identify a viable reason for it being in my cupboard in the first place. But not wanting to look a gift horse (more like gift donkey) in the mouth, I heat it in the microwave and add a dollop of jam to the top. It's apricot jam and the only reason I have that is that it was left over from the cakes I had to make before Christmas. Strictly speaking it should be strawberry jam for rice pudding. But if apricot is all I have then it will have to do.

I need to get out.

I need a trip to the newsagents for Cadburys Creme Eggs (yes I'm still on about them) and maybe a vanilla slice from the bakery.

Who switched on my sugar switch and will you turn it back off again please as this is most inconvenient!

hnt

2006-01-26T00:31:00.000Z

HNT

Just a simple HNT today - my new hair colour and a circlet of flowers.

Visit Osbasso for more half-nekkidity....

Oh, and it is a very special day today - the birthday of two very special people.

The first, of course, is my one and only ~S~. As we speak a huge parcel of birthday goodies is in transit somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic and heading for her. I had the opportunity to be the very first person to wish her a Happy Birthday, despite the 6 hour time difference. ~S~, you know how much I love you, the last few days have proved it beyond all doubt. Have a wonderful wonderful day, baby xxx

It is also the delightfully Evil Minx's birthday today - Minx, sweetie, you have offered my such incredible support and I thank you for that so very much. Have a fantastic day xx

in a....

2006-01-24T20:46:00.000Z

IN A.....

I think the word you use is funk.

Otherwise known as low, miserable, fed-up, hormonal and just sad.

I couldn't tell you exactly why I'm in this funk. ~S~ thinks it is mainly hormonal and to be fair she is probably right.

But I'm so fed up today that I ate crap food - prawn cocktail crisps and Cadburys Creme Eggs. And then a hot cross bun. Then I felt fed up because I had eaten crap. So what did I do then? Why, I topped it off with a chicken curry for dinner, of course. I'm nothing if not illogical.

So, funky is as funky does today.

I watched a film last night that I wouldn't normally have watched in a million years. Kill Bill Volume 2. I thought I would hate it, it's the kind of film I normally avoid like the plague. I was shocked to find myself enjoying it. Not shocked at the film (although it is pretty brutal). Shocked at myself. I don't think I like what it says about me, enjoying such a gratuitous film. I shouldn't read so much into this, it's only a film after all. Maybe I'll watch Annie tonight, just to balance things out a little.

I'm getting a little reclusive lately and that is bothering me. It's not as if I can get out much but I've had an invitation to go to a good friends on Saturday and I'm already beginning to think up excuses for not going. That isn't very good.

And on Sunday I have tickets to see one of my favourite bands ever. But I'm thinking of not going. That really is not good. I've had the tickets since last August. I'm going with two fantastic friends. They want to make a day of it - well the venue is a fair distance away so we would have to set off several hours before anyway. But they want to go earlier than that so that we can have lunch and a few drinks and then go on to see the band. I'm not up for that. I'd rather stay home and have a cup of tea. Except that I don't drink tea so that's not much of an alternative.

*sigh*

You just have to hate hormones, don't you?

All I want to do is curl up on the couch with ~S~ holding me tight and sleep until equilibrium is restored.

Anyone got any chocolate?

up to no good

2006-01-23T07:39:00.000Z

UP TO NO GOOD

So I go for a day and people are wondering where I am *laughs*

Well, I'm here now. DH came home on Saturday night and was off work yesterday, prowling around the house. I did the good wife thing and stayed away from the PC, cooked a traditional Sunday lunch, did the ironing, basically I was a good girl. Which meant that he wasn't too mean. He did ignore me most of the day and went out twice without saying a single word to me. The first time I was still in bed, I got up to see that his car had gone. No idea where he had gone, no explanations, and he left his phone at home. He returned an hour later apparantly having been to the bank. Second time I vaguely knew he was going out (he had mentioned something to me about it) but again, I was upstairs sorting out some washing, came downstairs and once again he had just gone. Now this might just be me being picky, but surely it's polite to tell someone that you are going out? Even just a shout to say that he was going? Or is this me?

Anyway, then I started with the headache from hell and ended up going to bed early, sleeping for a couple of hours and then waking in the early hours with my head still pounding. I hate it when I wake in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. Especially when I'm in pain. I did drift back off eventually but that just makes it really hard to get up when I have to get up. Hence I'm now feeling groggy and want to climb back into bed for another couple of hours. I may just do that when the children have gone to school.

Oh, do you recall this? And do you recall the fact that it made no noticeable difference? Well, on Thursday I bought this...

I used it on Saturday. And yes, it made a big difference! A dramatic difference, in fact. You know when you catch sight of yourself in a mirror and do a double-take? I'm still doing that!

life is an ear

2006-01-21T09:13:00.000Z

LIFE IS AN EAR

How very true.

the gift

2006-01-19T23:33:00.000Z

THE GIFT

Out of the darkness steps
my wild beauty.
Her loosened hair like flames
cascading down her back.
Her eyes like a clear winter's morn,
at once both loving and passionate.
Her tears pierce my heart;
her laughter fills my soul.
Before her I kneel,
both omnipotent and helpless.
She is my goddess,
I her faithful servant.
Through space and time
are our lives entwined.
Til time is no more.

~S~ wrote this for me, just a few short hours ago.

With her, I truly believe I am the beautiful person she sees. More than I ever thought myself capable of being. She gives me a gift more powerful than any I ever received before.

She gives me the gift of myself.

playing by the rules

2006-01-19T11:19:00.000Z

PLAYING BY THE RULES

Let me start by saying that I know I need to get out. I knew that before anyone told me.

Every day that I stay here I know that I am failing myself, my children and now possibly also you who have offered my such incredible support.

Last night it was almost as if had imagined the whole thing. Mr Sweetness-and-light, complimenting me on the dinner I cooked, confiding in me about some work anxieties he has, letting me watch a show I wanted to watch on television. The sneering, jibing man of the night before was nowhere in sight.

It confuses me. It makes me doubt that anything ever happened in the first place, I am tricked into thinking it was a figment of my imagination. But then I read my words and the emotions come flooding back and I realise that it isn't my imagination. It's just my subconcious mind's way of trying to protect me emotionally - a defence strategy. I know all about those.

Mr Sweetness-and-light can hang around sometimes for a week or so and I get that false sense of security that it was all just a blip. So last night I'm left thinking that his actions the night before were as a result of the work anxieties he was telling me about. Does that justify it though? No, I don't think it does. We can all take out our stresses on the person closest to us but we don't all do it that way. He's under pressure at work - is that justification? I asked him about certain things he had said (one of which was that one of his colleagues was filing a complaint against him because of his attitude) and he tells me he was winding me up, having a joke. I am the one with the sense of humour failure. Maybe it was a joke, or maybe he is hiding behind that as an excuse for his behaviour. Maybe it's a little bit of both.

The thing is, I don't know any more when he is lying or when he is telling me the truth. I don't trust anything he says. When he is out I lock all the doors and leave the keys in them so he can't get back in without ringing the doorbell because of his tendency to sneak up on me.

Am I living in fear of him?

Tough question.

Yes I am, although I hate to admit it.

I modify my behaviour so that I can play by this unwritten and ever-changing set of rules.

But as long as I play by these rules then Mr Sweetness-and-light generally stays. The problem is I am too rebellious. I do things that I know are against the rules. So I clearly bring it on myself.

Yes, I know I am sounding more and more like an abused woman in denial. I'm reading it back and shaking my head at myself.

We have a respite for a few days though.

His work is taking him away until Saturday night, maybe Sunday and in that time peace will reign. Everything will be calm.

We're also on the brink, the very brink, of the busiest time of year - from February through until the end of summer, and that will see him being away for a couple of weeks at a time and only home for maybe one or two days inbetween. It gives me breathing space, chance to put wheels in motion and sort a few things out.

I know that it is damaging for my children to be in this environment, but while he is not here over the summer things will be okay. When he is not here they see a strong, independant and capable woman that takes everything in her stride. And there will be several months of that ahead.

I appreciate that this must seem like delaying tactics, it truly isn't. I know that practically and emotionally I can cope just fine without him because I do it all the time when he is away. What I am trying to do is make the move away as peaceful as possible, with as little disruption to my children and their lives as I can manage. I don't want them to have to change school, lose friends, because of me. That means I have to compromise myself and play by the rules in the meantime which I am prepared to do. I absolutely guarantee though, that if he raises a hand to me then I will take those children and walk. Without a backward glance.

Many of you have offered practical help - I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your offers - it is a little overwhelming but in a good way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for offering. It helps to know that I have options. Minerva, sweetie, you will have email at some point today - I just need to compose it in my head and get it down on 'paper'. Kylz, you already have email (you are incorrigible in the best possible way). To all of you that have taken the time to read about my situation and comment - thank you is not nearly enough.

There are two very good and very close friends living within 3 miles of me that know what is going on. I don't fill them in on every little happening, they don't know the ins and outs of it all because they don't need to know. But I know that if I needed to get out in a hurry they would be there. In the meantime they call me pretty much every day, they check I'm okay and I believe that if the chips were down they would not hesitate in getting me out of here. I just make a choice not to tell them, or my family, anything that is really going on because I don't want my home situation to define my relationship with any of them. I want to be their friend, not their abused friend - if that makes sense?

What I need, more than ever, is this outlet. I know that many of you are worried about me, and I will never dismiss that. Never. I feel now almost a sense of responsibility not only for myself and my girls but also for those of you that have become my lifeline and my friends - even through the anonymity of blogville I consider you my friends. I do believe that things will calm down a little now that he is going to be away so much, certainly over the coming couple of months, but I won't forget what has happened nor will I ignore what could happen.

So please bear with me, allow me a little trust that I am and will do the right thing. It may be a glaring fault of mine but I am proud and independant and I need to keep hold of that, if I may?

working through my confused mind

2006-01-18T12:36:00.000Z

WORKING THROUGH MY CONFUSED MIND

The morning after the night before and I'm confused.

I talked to ~S~ for a long time this morning, told her everything that took place last night. You'll find it written here, if you want to know. I hate seeing it up here in print every time I come to my own blog and so I've just slipped it all in a cupboard somewhere.

I talked about my perception of this situation. I know, I know, I know that if this were happening to someone else I would give them all the advice that you have given me.

Why is it so hard to see that for myself then?

I keep coming back to the same thing - this must be my fault. I should have been a better wife, better mother, better person. I should have been more attentive, cooked better meals, given better sex.

I must deserve this.

It's my fault.

Then I see sense for a while and see that it is not my fault.

Then the doubts creep back in.

Am I blowing things up out of proportion? He hasn't hit me - a little push or a grab of the wrists doesn't count, does it? He's drinking more. That must be my fault too. He's mean when he's drunk but then he's mean when he's sober. It must be me that makes him mean.

So here's the thing, I don't love him anymore, thats established. I struggle to be in the same room as him. But I put on a mask or normality and buy myself the time I need to get out of here. But it's never enough. Never good enough.

Do I pretend to love him?

For all my deception, I can't be that manipulative.

I can smile sweetly, cook his favourite dinner, ask about his day, be the subservient and obedient wife he wants. But I can't pretend to love him.

Maybe his behaviour is because he sees that. Maybe he realises our relationship has died and this is his knee-jerk reaction. In which case it is my fault, I let it die, I didn't try hard enough, I didn't sacrifice enough of myself for him. I was too selfish, too independant.

Maybe he just doesn't realise what he is doing.

I continue to make excuses for him, just in case it is all down to me.

Why do I continue to defend a man that makes me feel like a powerless 7 year old?

I can't answer that.

I thought today about our local Womens' Refuge. There is one in a nearby town. I know this because a couple of years ago I helped a friend escape from her abusive husband. I know this because my sister-in-law also spent some time there hiding from her abuser. I can't go there. I can't go there because my mother-in-law knows where it is.

I'm working on solutions, selling my soul on eBay. All I need to do is clear my debts (mine, not his) and then I can get out of here. It will take time, too much time and so in the meantime I will be as good as I can, as obedient as I can, keep my head down and work through this.

Thank you for your support, all of you. I hope you don't become frustrated with me.

please...

2006-01-17T17:39:00.000Z

PLEASE....

I'm begging, please let me out of this marriage now.

Before it is too late.

the quiet still of the morning

2006-01-16T13:00:00.000Z

THE QUIET STILL OF THE MORNING

~S~ called me this morning. She calls every morning, dragging herself from sleep to dial my numbers - I think they must be etched indelibly in her memory by now.

I lay for a while on the couch, we talked - as a matter of fact we talked about education, lost opportunities and missed potential. There is no subject that we can't talk about. I love that.

I love talking to her at this time of day. In her world, it is still night. Her sky was dark, her air was cool. I love knowing that she will drift back off to sleep with my voice still in her head. I needed to feel closer to her, needed to experience the blurring of reality and dreams.

And so that is how I found myself lying on my bed, listening to her voice. Silken words caressing my mind and in turn awakening my body.

Later, her voice becomes just a whisper, gentle afterglow pulling us closer to insistently beckoning dreams.

Murmured goodbyes, and the phone slips from my fingers onto the bed beside me.

My eyes close, my mind follows a familiar path and there she is, beside me, deep in the satisfied slumber of one who is and always will be loved. My body moulded to hers, our breathing rhythmic, keeping perfect time.

Her dark hair threaded through my muted shades of red, fingers entwined, limbs tangled.

Together, in the quiet still of the morning.

fun fun fun

2006-01-15T12:55:00.000Z

FUN FUN FUN

So you all know how I love music, yes??

Well, a little while ago ~S~ and I were talking about our shared love of music and we decided that we were going to put together some CD's of the favourite music from our lives. I should clarify that this was her clever idea - I was simply an eager participant, it doesn't take much capture my interests where music is concerned.

So, the idea is this - 3 CD's, one for the 1970's, one for the 1980's and one for the 1990's. I have the 'task' (it's not a task at all, it's a delight) of putting together 3 CD's to give her, and in turn she will make 3 CD's for me.

This is where the fun begins. I have over 600 tracks stored on my PC, and a CD collection that would rival most professional DJ's. I am a music whore. And I have very wide and very eclectic tastes - there's everything, absolutely everything. So whittling it down to just 3 CDs, which is about 60 songs, is proving almost impossible.

Today, I've played with the 1970's and I have to choose around 20 tracks for this decade. I enlisted the help of my mum's equally large music collection for this. Even being conservative I've got a shortlist so far of 37 songs and I'm far from done. And these were the years that I spent most of my time in a pram! My real musical awareness started in the 1980's - I just cannot even begin to imagine how hard a task it will be to choose just 20 songs from those years.

This is where I think I need your help - because I may have missed a blindingly good song - leave me a comment with your favourite songs from the 1970's, 1980's and 1990's. The more the merrier.

And I'll let you know what makes the final cut - and why - when ~S~ has my collection safely in her hands.

a sonnet

2006-01-14T11:10:00.000Z

A SONNET

Had we but world enough, and time,

This coyness, Lady, were no crime.

We would sit down and think which way

To walk and pass our long love's day.

Thou by the Indian Ganges' side

Shouldst rubies find: I by the tide

Of Humber would complain. I would

Love you ten years before the Flood,

And you should, if you please, refuse

Till the conversion of the Jews.

My vegetable love should grow

Vaster than empires, and more slow;

An hundred years should go to praise

Thine eyes and on thy forehead gaze;

Two hundred to adore each breast;

But thirty thousand to the rest;

An age at least to every part,

And the last age should show your heart;

For, Lady, you deserve this state,

Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear

Time's wingèd chariot hurrying near;

And yonder all before us lie

Deserts of vast eternity.

Thy beauty shall no more be found,

Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound

My echoing song: then worms shall try

That long preserved virginity,

And your quaint honour turn to dust,

And into ashes all my lust:

The grave's a fine and private place,

But none, I think, do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue

Sits on thy skin like morning dew,

And while thy willing soul transpires

At every pore with instant fires,

Now let us sport us while we may,

And now, like amorous birds of prey,

Rather at once our time devour

Than languish in his slow-chapt power.

Let us roll all our strength and all

Our sweetness up into one ball,

And tear our pleasures with rough strife

Through the iron gates of life:

Thus, though we cannot make our sun

Stand still, yet we will make him run.

Andrew Marvell, 1621 - 1678

This touched me today.

get back in the knife drawer

2006-01-13T07:57:00.000Z

GET BACK IN THE KNIFE DRAWER

You know, as a general rule I'm a find-something-good-in-everyone-and-everything kind of person. The kind of person that worries a lot in case I inadvertently offend someone, which normally means I reel in most of my thoughts and opinions.

Thankfully, though, I have two damned good friends that see past this nicer-than-nice exterior and recognise that Miss Goody Two Shoes sometimes needs to let her inner bitch out to play.

I was with such a friend a couple of days ago - she's been responsible for loosening me up quite considerably over the 6 years we've been close friends. She introduced me to the delights of Ann Summers (not personally - she just took me to the shop and made me buy something!), she plies me with vodka based alcopops on girls' nights out and is the kind of girl that can make a trip to the fracture clinic into an entertaining day out.

Thank heavens for girlie friends.

So we're sitting in the waiting room at the fracture clinic, patiently waiting to see the Doctor. A guy comes in, in a wheelchair, pushed by a hospital orderly. He's got a huge bandage on one foot, it's propped up in front of him and it looks bad. Nurse (more about her in a moment) comes out and pushes him off to x-ray, and a short while later he returns, still in wheelchair, clutching huge envelope of x-ray films which are duly whisked away by aforementioned Nurse.

Now at this juncture, I feel it necessary to remind you of the Harmony hairspray tv ads that were so popular in the 1980's - remember the tagline? Is she....or isn't she....? A swishy haired girl would sashay perkily down the street swinging her hair not-so-casually from side to side to show just how naturally bouncy her silken locks were. Astounded onlookers with breeze-destroyed hair stand agape at her perfect yet soft coiffure - surely she can't be wearing hairspray??? But there, peeking cheekily out of her faux-leather shoulder bag is a can of Harmony. Remember?

Well let me tell you that Nurse definitely was wearing hairspray and it sure wasn't Harmony! Let me also add that Nurse was doing a fine and sterling job, in a tough and very busy fracture clinic and she has my utmost admiration (I certainly couldn't do her job) but damn, she needs a new haircut. Circa 1980 and straight from the Princess Diana book of flicked page boy haircuts, she was styled and solidified to within an inch of her life. C and I reckon she could go to bed, enjoy rampant and very wild sex and still not have a hair budge from her head. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong - maybe I should cultivate the 'just been superglued look' for ~S~, rather than the continual 'just got out of bed look' that I normally sport.

Anyway, enough about Nurse - lets get back to the guy in the wheelchair. So he's sitting there, waiting patiently for his name to be called. Just as an aside, why is it that the Nurses doing the name calling have the softest and least audible voices? Eventually though, his name must be called because we see the spark of recognition flash over his face as he - get this - leaps out of his wheelchair and trots happily over to the consulting room. Yes, you got that right. He leapt to his feet with all the sprightliness of a young Gazelle. Trotted, almost cantered across the busy waiting room, bandage and all.

I look at C. C looks at me. We both look across at the now abandoned and empty wheelchair. Little Britain, anyone??

Incidentally, my plaster was taken off. Then I saw the Doctor. Told in no uncertain terms - need to elevate it more, need to rest it more. Then a new plaster went back on. Another 3 weeks minimum, but potentially another 8 weeks. Still a possibility of surgery. I broke it good and proper.

And it is never - repeat never - a good look to wear beige fishnet knee highs with an above the knee skirt. No matter how good your legs are. No matter how lovely your shoes are. Trust me, this is not a good look.

It's almost too much for me to relay the remainder of the days events to you - I'm giggling just thinking about them. C should be definitely be blonde (no offence intended to any blondes) because she's certainly dizzy enough. Motorised scooters are fun on sloping hospital corridors but not in car parks and you should always keep all the keys you need for your numerous car locks on your keyring rather than at home...

And it was amusing - even if a little unexpected - to meet someone for the first time and have them ask you quite openly if you are divorced and then have them proceed to tell you their many sexual preferences in quite graphic detail. It was several moments before I established that, despite a yearning to have Pete Burns' mouth wrapped around a certain appendage, this person was in fact completely and very much heterosexual. Some people can somehow carry off a miraculous level of frankness that borders almost on offensive yet without ruffling any feathers. This was such a person. I later learn from C that the aforementioned person is an artist specialising in female nudes with a preference for the more curvaceous figure - I'm curious how she knows this but I think maybe that is knowledge best shared under the influence of a bottle of red wine!

It was the sort of day that just couldn't be made up.

oh my...

2006-01-12T23:01:00.000Z

OH MY....

(The HNT shot is down there)

Just a really really quick post before I go to bed. ~S~ has had the most incredible news. She's playing it down but it's seriously good. Go see what it is. I'm not telling you, it's her news. But I'm happy, actually I'm ecstatic. So is she. This is good.

Right, off to bed now, need my beauty sleep *winks*

kisses for hnt

2006-01-12T00:44:00.000Z

KISSES FOR HNT

That's all xx

you know when you get a feeling?

2006-01-11T06:12:00.000Z

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET A FEELING?

One of those feelings that something isn't quite right?

That happened to me last night.

I climbed into bed around 11pm last night, and read for a while before my eyes started to close. Slept for a short while and then woke around 1am, unsettled about something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

I fought with it for a while, but eventually it beat me and by 4am I was wide awake, wondering what the hell was worrying me.

I sleep with my mobile phone beside me, although I switch the ringer off - mainly because I'm often alone and its a security thing - you know?

But around 4am I flip it open for some reason and flashing away is the message indicator. I can tell by the type of message that it's from ~S~ and I know instantly that something isn't right. Don't ask me how I knew this - its not unusual for me to wake to a message from her, but I just knew that this one wasn't right.

I also knew that I couldn't read it lying there in bed - my messages are password protected for one thing and the tapping of the keys to enter the password would make noise that is normally inaudible but at that hour would be equivalent to tap-dancing in my plaster cast on the wooden floorboards. Besides, when it's opened in the dark, the illumination of the screen is not unlike a 500 watt strobe lamp.

After lying there for a while trying to rationalise I eventually reach the late conclusion that I'm not going to get any sleep until I've read it and so I climb from my warm bed and make my way to the bathroom to read.

My instincts had been right.

The job that ~S~ had been working of, as of yesterday, has ended. And she is now without work.

By this time it's 4.30am and I know that I can't get up without arousing suspicion and disturbing the rest of the house so I'm forced to go back to bed and lie awake until a more reasonable hour.

Which is now.

I check my inbox for more details and there's nothing, so I check her blog and there is an explanation of what has happened. It seems she's not the only one affected.

So many thoughts are flying through my mind right now. I'm anxious that she has no work, no work means no money. Without a car, her travel options are restricted, which in turn limits her work options. As far as her immediate needs are concerned, she'll be okay because of her living arrangements - she's not going to starve or be out on the street.

But of course all of you reading this will instantly know the real issue.

September.

She was on the brink of buying her ticket - just this last week we have been checking flight prices and timings, we had settled on dates and all were just waiting another couple of weeks to see if the prices changed. Her passport application is submitted and she ordered her luggage two days ago.

Now all that is in jeopardy.

I know we are rushing to panic, there's 9 months to September, right? In fact, today it is only 8 months to the day that she planned to depart. We were both looking forward to today because it meant we could say 8 months instead of 9. Small things.

I'm just sitting here now, feeling selfish desperation wash over me.

Let's just hope and pray (whoever you pray to) that she finds another job soon.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

It's now 7.50am and running close to 2 hours since I got up and wrote all that up there ^.

~S~ is due to call me at 9am, we'll have a chance to talk then, reassure each other that nothing will change. Hell, there's even a possibility that she could have another position within a couple of days.

The position she just had was a dream for us in many ways - she had internet access so we could keep in touch throughout the day, her days off were during the week rather than at the weekend so we could spend those days talking on the phone or online pretty much all day, she could walk to work and often came home at lunchtime just to call me. It paid well too, which has given her the opportunity to save far more than she orginally anticipated. She almost has all the money needed for her ticket. She has her passport application in, her new luggage is ordered. Realistically, she does not need a great deal more money to get her here in September. I know she wants to bring spending money - who wouldn't - but at the end of the day all I need is for her to be able to get on that plane. The rest is window dressing.

So, whilst a new position may bring it's own restrictions, we'll learn how to work around them. If all we can do is communicate mostly by email then that's what we'll do. We'll cope.

On a slightly different topic, I'm off to the hospital today - it's d-day and I'll find out whether or not I need surgery and how long I have left to cope with this plaster. Wish me luck.

DH is clearly still an issue - but I'll leave that for another day.

Today belongs to ~S~, and to keeping alive the dream of September.

been doing a lot of thinking...

2006-01-10T10:30:00.000Z

BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING...

And that's not always such a good thing.

I have a tendency to over-analyse and work myself around in circles only to end up back at the same place I started.

There's been a lot of stuff on my mind - prompted mainly by recent events.

I need to deal with it before the circles get carried away and I end up dizzy.

I've been thinking about my relationship with DH - the way he treats me, the way I sometimes treat him. Thinking about what I have tried to do in the past to patch things up and carry on, thinking about how they haven't worked. Realising that I am beyond the point of wanting things to work - not just because of ~S~. If she walked out of my life tomorrow it wouldn't change my marriage.

I've been thinking about things that friends - real everyday friends - have said to me recently. Things they have pointed out that I chose not to see. Three separate friends, very close ones, have all told me that he is abusing me. I still find that hard to admit to and hard to swallow because I have no bruises, no marks. I find it hard to swallow because it's hard to face the fact that I am neither as strong nor as independant as I thought I was.

At the end of 2004, I started to plan a trip. For DH and I. I could see that things were bad between us and in an effort to make things better I thought a little time for just the two of us would help. So I booked flights to one of the most beautiful cities in Europe. Booked a 4 star hotel in the midst of the city. I called his employers and booked him some time of work. I arranged for the children to be taken care of. I bought him new clothes to take. It should have been a dream trip.

I told him about the trip on Christmas Day 2004. I don't quite know what I expected - maybe a little more enthusiasm, a little more recognition of the effort I had gone to. I'd have been leaping from the rooftops if someone had done that for me, I'd have exploded with excitement. But he thought it was 'very nice'.

It's almost a year ago to the day since that trip. We had an okay time. Not the wonderful time we should have had in that city, but it was okay. I knew back then, in my heart, that he wasn't the person I wanted to be sharing this city with. Our differences became glaringly apparant.

I wanted to wander the side streets, explore the tiny shops and stalls, buy unnecessary yet beautiful things just because, eat inappropriate food at inappropriate times just for the experience. We stumbled across an incredible cafe, purely by chance. It sang to my heart and if I ever go back to that incredible city then I have to go back there. It was tucked away, down a tiny alleyway and then down another alleyway. It was hidden behind a dark door. It was like another world. It was bursting with the reality of that city. I could have spent all day there, just sitting, absorbing, living. But he didn't get it and we left after one drink. He hovered impatiently outside shops while I browsed uncomfortably alone inside. I wanted someone with me that would share my finds, share my treasures, even if they didn't think they were treasures. Instead I was alone, while he tapped his feet and looked at his watch. The last morning we spent at the football stadium - that was something that meant a lot to him. I tried to share his enthusiasm for that but inside I felt cheated that he hadn't shared mine.

On the flight back, I knew that nothing I said or did would ever be good enough. I knew that things would be just the same as ever the next day, and the day after that, and the one after that.

In March of 2005, the eldest of our children had a very important week. It was time for an event that was the culmination of a years hard work. It meant that I would be away with the children for 5 days. One event took place on the Wednesday, but there was another, more significant event on the Friday. I'd asked him to take the day off work and come to the Friday event. He came over to our hotel on the Thursday night.

On the Friday, I was preoccupied. There was a lot to be done to get this child ready for the event and I was needed pretty much all of the day. It was a long day too - busy, hot, stressful. I didn't have time to pay much attention to him, my hands were full making sure that the eldest child was ready and where they needed to be. And with making sure that the youngest was safe and occupied and out of trouble. He sulked at the lack of attention. That's not an unfair statement to make. His mother was there - she supports her grandchildren in everything that they do and even she saw that he was sulking. The most important part of the day was due to commence at 1.30pm. I'd been getting the child ready since 11am. Suddenly, at 1.15pm I turn around and he has gone. Disappeared. I had no idea where he was, but I was anxious that he was going to miss everything. I tried to call him on his mobile, but no answer. I text message him and got a reply that was filled with f-words. He sauntered up at 1.25pm.

After that, he didn't speak to me for the rest of the day. We were there until quite late and he refused both lunch and dinner. I know for a fact that going without food makes him worse than a bear with a sore head and he was already more than bear-like. But he refused to eat point blank.

Just before things wrapped up for the day, we were approached by the parents of a 16 year old who had been involved in this since she was our childs' age. It was her last event - because of her age - and she was having a 'wrap-up' party that night at her hotel. She invited us all to go along. Of course, the eldest child desperately wanted to go and it was quite a thing for her to be asked so we went. He didn't want to be there, and he made that more than apparant. He was rude and ill-mannered and refused to even get the children a drink from the bar. There was a disco and the eldest child was up dancing with new friends when he suddenly announced to me that he was going back to the hotel, got up and walked away. Leaving me with the children on the wrong side of a busy and strange city, at night, and with no money.

I ran after him and begged him to stop and wait but he refused. The youngest child has a habit of removing shoes and true to style was shoeless at this point. I'm grabbing the children and running down the street after him, trying to carry bags and belongings while simultaneously attempting to get shoes on the youngest one. The eldest one is crying. I'm trying not to cry. He's about 200 yards ahead of us and I'm scared, walking past groups of drunks spilling out of pubs and leering at us. Not once did he look back.

We made it back to the hotel safely. I got the children in to bed. He didn't utter one word to me. Not one. I went to bed before him, confused and upset and alone. He slept on the floor of the hotel room.

The following morning, nothing was said. I was too scared to mention what had happened and he pretended nothing had happened. It has never been spoken of since.

There had been some friends with us that night - they are good friends that I see often and I am very close to the woman - C. They had said nothing while events were unfolding, I think they were probably embarrassed. But when I saw C in the hotel corridor she just put her arms around me and held me and I sobbed.

Damn, if you got this far you deserve a medal. I didn't mean for all this to come spilling out but it has. Heigh-ho.

I wish I could say that was all, but it's the tip of a very big iceberg and I don't much fancy a Titanic moment right now.

And I need to stop because right now this has just become a bit too much.

when ye go away

2006-01-09T16:53:00.000Z

WHEN YE GO AWAY

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I've been listening to this group a lot over the last few days - they're one of my favourite groups of all time, ever, and I'm going to see them live in just over 3 weeks.

This morning, they provided the backdrop as I spent a little while in my usual way, visiting my friends and checking in on their lives.

So I find myself with Angel Girl. And she's sad today. Sad is an understatement. She's said what I truly hope is only a temporary goodbye to her love. But the yearning and the sadness flooded into my heart.

And as I am sitting there, this song played softly in the background. And I sat and cried. I cried for Angel Girl and her love. But I cried also for myself. I cried because I saw myself making that same journey back from the airport at the end of September. And I listened to the words of the song and cried some more. I've heard this song countless times but it never meant more to me than today. I'm not going to tarnish September before it gets here, I'm not going to grieve it's ending before it is even begun.

But Angel Girl, I hear you, sweetie, oh how I hear you.

And ~S~, I feel this way every single time we have to say our goodbyes, whether it is goodbye for a moment, an hour or a day.

Now he's brought down the rain

and the indian summer is through

In the morning you'll be following your trail again

fair play to you

You ain't calling me to join you

and I'm spoken for anyway

but I will cry

when you go away

Your beauty is familiar

and your voice is like a key

It opens up my soul

and torches up a fire inside of me

Your cloak is made of magic

and around your table angels play

I will cry when you go away

Somebody left his whisky

and the night is very young

I've some to say and more to tell

the words will soon be spilling from my tongue

I will rave and I will ramble

I'll do everything to make you stay

but I will cry

when you go away

Dublin February 1987 / Spiddal May 1988

On "Fisherman's Blues" and "The Whole Of The Moon"

The Waterboys

Apologies for yet another music-based post, I just can't help it when music gets me like that.

tear it all down

2006-01-08T21:00:00.000Z

TEAR IT ALL DOWN

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It's been a profound, emotional and intense 48 hours. I can't thank you all enough for just being there, for the comments and the emails and the incredibly kind and wise words. I'm touched beyond belief.

And I've emerged from my cocoon somewhat wiser, and definitely with stronger wings.

Pressed up against this shop front

Drawing faces there in Crayon

Its a long way from the pocket full of rain

And you have walked the streets for hours

With your loose change and your flowers

And now I'll learn your body like a nursery rhyme in braille

Its a simple explanation for the paths that you have taken

You have stumbled from the cradle to a prayer

But in this darkened room we have got heart enough to burn

We can dance away the hours we can leave our questions there

and we'll tear it all down

So welcome to our winning streak no broken bones or old deceits

Its you and me versus this little town

We're the rag dolls in the gutter we're the curses that they'll mutter

And you will still be trying on my heart just like a crown

and we'll tear it all down

I know your tactics all the practice this bravery took

And the flags are flying you're trying out a different look

So theres a candle in the window I've got a lousy history of tomorrows

So I'll spill the beans in every little sound

You are the creaking of the door

you are the chorus of applause

You are wishbones and the axis that these songs will spin around

I'm leaving my journal right there on the table for you, handle it carefully.

if....

2006-01-07T21:00:00.000Z

IF....

'if you were writing all this in a paper journal, would you burn the journal?'

Wise words.

I read those words in the comments of one of your blogs. You will know who you are if it was your blog.

Those words hit home so very strongly.

Because if this was a paper journal I would not burn it.

If this was a paper journal it would be tear-stained, ragged and smudged.

But I would not burn it.

But then if it were a paper journal, would I leave it out on a coffee table for everyone to read?

If this were a paper journal, and if it were lying there on my coffee table, and if you picked it up and read it when I was out of the room, what would you do?

Would you confront me and judge me, holding it in your hands like a weapon?

Or would you quietly slip it back on the table and pretend you hadn't seen it?

And what would I do, later, when I notice that my carefully positioned journal had been moved by another hand?

Would I burn it then?

If I leave my paper journal out on the table, then I am, by implication, inviting you to read as if it were a glossy tempting hardback.

And if, after reading my paper journal you still hug me when we say goodbye, and you call me tomorrow to ask how I am, and you drop round next week to drink my atrocious coffee, and you wait until I am out of the room before looking to see if I wrote any more.....

Well then, I will know that you still consider me a friend.

And I will know that you care.

And the opinions of those that care are the only ones that truly matter.

hiatus

2006-01-06T19:30:00.000Z

HIATUS

Those of you that have been good enough to support and care about me, I give you my thanks. I'll be emailing those of you that I can as soon as I can to explain.

::UPDATE::

Emails all sent xx

Leave a comment if you didn't get one xx

hair update

2006-01-06T18:20:00.000Z

HAIR UPDATE

Okay, so here it is.

Not actually a huge difference from my natural colour and a bit of a disappointment and an anti-climax, if I'm honest. May have to go out next week and get another one....

It's very long though, isn't it - I hadn't realised just how long it was until I took this.

Anyway, hope that has satisfied you all.

Oh, this was one of the shots that I took but I moved and it came out blurry - I actually quite like the effect of this one though.

good morning!

2006-01-06T10:56:00.000Z

GOOD MORNING!

And it is, just about.

I'm foiled today, lacking inspiration, lacking words, lacking pretty much everything.

Got to take a shower, tidy the house - boring stuff that no-one wants to hear about.

I did a brave thing.

I asked my mum to pick up a hair dye for me while she was out shopping. So later I'm going to dye my hair. Well, that solely depends on what colour she picks up for me - I gave her guidelines. It was still a brave move, even with the guidelines.

You see, my hair is this colour...

And I want it to be this colour again...

I don't much fancy my chances. And yes, that second colour was natural.

Maybe I'll post the results later.

Let's hope they aren't too disastrous.

::UPDATE::

Mum just called from the supermarket. She's gone with golden mid blonde. Watch this space....

::UPDATE NO 2::

The dye is here. It's not golden mid blonde. It's natural medium blonde. As displayed below.

This could be very interesting.

Anyone want to come and hold my hand while I destroy my natural and beautiful hair? I'm getting second thoughts now...

Oh what the f.....

panic

2006-01-05T15:57:00.000Z

PANIC

Sheer, total, blind panic.

I'm being pathetic but I need to get these thoughts right out of my head before I go mad.

~S~ was due to call me an hour ago. She hasn't called.

It's only an hour, right?

She had to go out early this morning, and was expecting to be back an hour ago. So she could call me. She hasn't called.

It's only an hour, right?

I know she had an important errand to run - she's probably been delayed. Maybe there was a queue, maybe the traffic was bad, maybe her car broke down.

Because it is, after all, only an hour - right?

But maybe she's been in an accident? Maybe something bad happened and she's injured? I won't won't won't think of anything worse - shut up little voice inside, I won't think that way.

Maybe she changed her mind and she'll disappear completely and never answer my emails or acknowledge my existence?

Oh for heaven's sake woman, get a grip.

It's only an hour, right?

Yes, it's an hour. It's been the longest hour of my life.

I will not cry. I'm a grown woman, I'm not going to cry because of course I'm completely over-reacting here and in a minute the phone will ring and there she will be. Won't she?

But the phone is silent on the desk in front of me.

Silence can be so oppressive.

What am I planning on doing, sitting here and typing until she calls? This could be a very long post if I do that.

What do I do if she doesn't call?

One hour.

Please please please let that phone ring soon.

::UPDATE at 4.35pm::

She called.

She was delayed.

I cried with relief.

And, oh my, do I feel silly now.

hnt - with a very special guest

2006-01-05T08:23:00.000Z

HNT - WITH A VERY SPECIAL GUEST

I have to be honest, I wasn't going to participate this week. I had nothing prepared whatsoever and wasn't feeling the HNT inspiration vibes.

But in the early hours of the morning I received a message on my phone from someone just desperate to be my HNT for the week.

So what else could I do but accept?? *laughs*

Now she could quite easily post this on her blog but I don't think she'll be a regular HNT participant and she'll just have the occasional guest spot on mine. That, of course, is perfectly fine by me!

There's a story behind this particular shot...

I'm a huge fan of all things tacky and over the top at Christmas. ~S~ wasn't really a huge fan of Christmas at all. So in her box of Christmas presents, I slipped in two pre-Christmas presents for her. One was a Ronnie The Reindeer chocolate lollipop from Thorntons (mmmmm). The other was the most deliciously horrible Christmas earrings ever.

I wouldn't wear them if you paid me.

Well maybe I would for a million pounds or something - I can be bought like everyone else!

But the remit with these earrings was that she had to wear them to work. I knew this would be a phenomenal task and would really test the depth of her love for me.

In the end, however, she was spared the humiliation because the parcel didn't arrive until Christmas Eve, but I'm glad to announce that the Christmas Earrings have had their maiden voyage.

Here, HNTers of the world, for your delight and delectation, I give you....

Tacky Christmas!

Not forgetting, of course, the very delicious ear that they are attatched to....

Happy HNT everyone, please feel free to leave me some love here but if you are feeling generous I think you should slip on over and leave some love with ~S~ too - then maybe we can encourage her to play more...

taking control

2006-01-04T10:23:00.000Z

TAKING CONTROL

So today is a good day.

It's day 3 of the new healthy me. And I'm in control. Taking things one day, one step at a time.

For two complete days now I haven't starved, binged, taken diet pills or laxatives. For two complete days now I have eaten normal food, normal meals and not felt guilty.

This journey to a healthier me is a bigger journey than any of you may realise. I've kind of hinted at it before. I have an eating disorder. Sometimes I admit that and sometimes I don't. At the moment though, I'm feeling empowered and strong and I can admit it because for one of the first times in my life I am starting to deal with it.

It's something that has been with me for pretty much all of my adult life. Maybe even a a substantial part of my childhood as well.

As a child, I was a little chubby - like lots of girls can be. But I was also a little geeky; I had hideous NHS glasses and braces, I was quiet and shy and clever and I was an easy target for bullies. I was bullied in some form - usually about my chubbiness - until the day I left school at the age of 15.

I was also sexually abused. That's another post for another day. All I can say about that right now is that there were two abusers. One when I was 8. For a period of about a year. I don't recall much of this time, my mind has done a good job of locking it away and it only occasionally escapes. The other started when I was 11 and was brought to a halt when the police became involved about 4 years later.

So logically and rationally, its hardly surprising that I ended up with an eating disorder - no medals for working that one out. It could have been anything, of course. It could have been drugs or drink or any one of a number of destructive behaviours, but my mind chose food to be its weapon of choice.

During my late teens and early twenties I pretty much had a handle on it. I felt pretty good about myself emotionally, I looked good - even if I didn't always think that. In fact I look back now on pictures of myself from that time and I'm shocked at how pretty and slim I was. Because even when I was feeling good a part of me was still convinced that I was the chubby little girl.

Things went wrong again after DD2 was born. I suffered with post-natal depression, it hit me between the eyes like a sledgehammer, and all self-esteem went out of window with a used nappy sack. Thats when things really started to get tough. I used the most horrific diet pills known to man. I think they're actually legal in the US, and maybe in some other countries too. But they're not over here. Or at least they are very very very carefully controlled. But I got hold of some through a private clinic and I started taking them.

The weight fell off in enormous chunks.

The first week I used them I lost 12lbs. But I also didn't eat at all for that whole week - maybe an apple here and a raw carrot there. If I had a daily calorie intake at all, it certainly wasn't more than about 200 calories. I was surviving on vitamin tablets and water. I had the jitters, couldn't sleep at night for any longer than 2 hours because I was so damned high. I thought I was in control, but in reality I was about as far from control as I have ever been in my life.

Of course, it wasn't sustainable. Aside from the cost implications, eventually I began to crumble. Woman cannot live on vitamin tablets alone and soon my hair began to fall out, my nails started snapping and my skin started peeling. My body was, of course, rebelling. Rebelling in a big way. I stopped taking the tablets and within a frighteningly short space of time I was back to square one.

So next came my dalliance with laxatives. I'm sure I don't need to go into details on this one, it was unpleasant to say the least. But it gave me the 'freedom' to eat (or so I believed) and after a couple of months of near starvation, I ate. And I suffered because of it. Laxatives didn't last long.

Since then, I've fiddled around with various diets - I've done Atkins, South Beach, GI, Hay, Slimfast - you name it, I've done it. Some were marginally successful, some were unmitigated disasters.

But the one thing I haven't done in any of this is actually address the real issues, the self-esteem.

One day last summer I told ~S~ about the diet pills and the eating disorder. In a fit of desperation I'd managed to get hold of some more from a US website. But on day 2 I told her I was taking them and I told her pretty much everything I've said here. She told me to flush the tablets down the toilet. I considered not doing it and telling her that I had done, but I couldn't do that. So I did as she asked. I flushed every last one of them down the toilet.

So for me to even get this far and admit this much is a huge step.

As I go off to make breakfast (I haven't eaten breakfast for nearly 3 years) I have a smile on my face.

I'm feeling damned proud of myself today.

the story so far

2006-01-03T13:56:00.000Z

THE STORY SO FAR

I don't know where to begin on this story - it's likely to be a long one so bear with me if it takes a while.

I'll begin by telling you how ~S~ and I 'met', and then we can take it from there.

I don't honestly know how I ended up in this place. To all intents and purposes, I'm a level-headed professional person. With a stable home, husband, children. I always laughed at people who had 'internet relationships'.

I'm not laughing now.

Its hard to get across my feelings for this woman, although I think those of you that have become my friends over here in this little corner of cyber-space have a good understanding of them. Apart from the days I held my newborn babies in my arms, these feelings are the strongest I ever knew in my life. Its emotional. Its physical, despite the 4,000 miles. How nuts is that?

We started off as friends, believe it or not. I certainly was not looking for even a friendship when we came across each other, we visited (and still visit) the same site, and found that we responded to each others posts in the forum. That led to us saying hi in the chat room, which led to us finally, tentatively exchanging email addresses, and then eventually, each satisfied as we could be that the other was genuine, we swapped IM details and began to chat online properly.

I knew she was a lesbian - and didn't think anything of it - it wasn't a factor in our friendship. Because it really was just a friendship to begin with. She knew all about my family, we got to know each other pretty well, laughed a lot, shared the daily grind with each other. Its not like there was no-one else for us to do this with - but I found that I looked forward to sharing these things with her, like you do when you have a close friend.

Then I began to feel attracted to her. I've always been attracted to women, but never done anything about it - one of those 'in-the-closet' things that I had nicely suppressed and tucked away in that little closet. She certainly had no idea at all that I had even the tiniest attraction to women, least of all to her. I kept it well hidden.

Until July 22nd.

Thats when things changed irrevocably. By this time we had become very good friends, supportive friends. Not a day passed without us talking. And it wasn't one-sided - I'd find her online, or she would find me, we were on equal footings with this friendship.

July 22nd - etched in my memories now as the day things changed.

I'd been swimming with the girls. It was teatime and I'd rushed back into the house to feed the girls, hair still wet, skin pink from chlorine in the water. My PC was on, as it always is, in the kitchen where it lives. And as I'm pottering around the kitchen, she messaged me.

So I responded, proceeded to run around making food for the girls as I had done so many times before while we chatted. I laughed that I was dripping wet and would probably blow up the PC. She said I looked good with wet hair and offered me a virtual towel. I responded that really I needed to change clothes as my top was soaked - which it was - I have waist length hair. She said that was why I looked good.

That's when my world stopped. She apologised then, embarrassed, that she had overstepped the mark and was sorry. But I told her not to apologise, she had said nothing to apologise for. I told her that her sexuality had never been an issue in our friendship and it never would be.

And somehow, right then and there, me sat in my kitchen, her sat in her lounge, we met on a virtual plane.

Just words.

She dried my hair, I shivered.

She touched my face. I trembled.

She looked into my eyes. I melted.

Scared, we both backed off. Sexual tension palpable despite the miles between us. I'm trying to rationalise, think sensibly, but I can't. She's trying to put a lid on her feelings too. We part, reluctantly. Me to my family, her to her work. No arrangments to talk again. I see her go offline, a moment later I go offline.We both need time to think, to re-evaluate.

Neither of us expected this to happen.

When, later that evening, I went back online, I knew she would be there and I knew that things would never be the same between us again. In all honesty, I expected a little 'fun'. A little harmless game between us. I even recall telling her that this would not change anything about my marriage, and at the time I truly believed that.Within a week, though, it became apparant that my feelings towards her were deepening and that was terrifying.

At some point, we exchanged telephone numbers. She called me. We talked about everyday nonsense - I remember being so nervous I was shaking.

Our relationship since then has deepened to such an intensity. Of course I won't deny that there is a sexual element to it. Of course there is. She has the ability, with a few carefully chosen words, or with a look, to awaken feelings that I didn't know existed prior to knowing her.

But there is so much more to our relationship than that.

We don't spend all our time locked together in sexuality. We talk. Really talk. We talk about everything from our pasts, our families, about literature, music, spiritual and religious beliefs, you name it and we discuss it. We have discovered a compatibility in so many areas of our lives, it really does feel as if we are two halves of the same whole.And I can honestly, hand on heart, say that I never ever experienced such a feeling of completeness with anyone else in my life - be that a friend, a lover, anyone. Never. The feelings I have for her I have never known before.

I tried once to describe it. Do you recall when you were younger, and in the depths of your mind you had a secret thought about how a perfect love should be? The sort of love that you see in films. The sort of love where each reads the other perfectly, knows what to say, what to do? I dreamt of that kind of love when I was younger. But as I moved through life, I began to think that it was something that existed only in a film, and that us mere mortals had to settle for something less. S has shown me that love does exist. Because for me she embodies it.

pyjama day

2006-01-03T11:35:00.000Z

PYJAMA DAY

Like I need an excuse to stay in my jammies, eh??

DH is back at work - not very happy about it either so watch out for the imminent return of the ****wit.

But it's the last day of the girls' holidays, we have nowhere to go and nothing to do and so I've announced a pyjama day. I love pyjama days. Today is going to be relaxed, chilled out and peaceful. We're going to curl up on the couch and watch films - I've already got City of Angels and Shall We Dance lined up, to be followed by Madagascar and Polar Express. And I'm going to make banana and raspberry smoothies.

And I'm going to get on with making ~S~ birthday card - it's her birthday this month. So I've got to get cracking and get her parcel of goodies organised and despatched. After the fiasco with the post over Christmas I've decided to use UPS or DHL this time - it costs considerably more but they can deliver in 2 days. I've already got a couple of presents for her - no, I'm not telling you what they are either! Actually, ~S~ already knows what they are because I told her.

We are completely useless at keeping secrets of any kind from each other.

I had planned to get her another gift for her birthday. Her favourite fragrance is Romance by Estee Lauder and I knew she was running low because she's squirted most of her bottle over a woven choker that she made for me (so that I could smell it and think of her). So I was going to buy her the hugest bottle of Romance that I could get my hands on. And even though I had told her what else I had got her, I hadn't told her this. This was my one secret surprise. So what happened? Well, she went shopping just before Christmas with DM (that's her mother to those that haven't yet been introduced) and came back telling me about all her purchases. One of which was, you guessed, a new bottle of Romance! See how she managed to slip into my mind and pull out my surprise?

She does that all the time.

In fact, we live in each others minds so much that sometimes its a little spooky. We call it 'that thing' and its usually accompanied by lots of laughing. 'That thing' crops up numerous times in the course of a day. Even in dreams. Bear in mind, now, the 6 hour time difference between us. She's 6 hours behind me. The evening before she posted this had been a reflective evening for her. She'd been thinking a lot about the past year, and had been finally laying to rest some of the bad memories of the year. While she was reflecting, I was 4,000 miles away, sleeping. Not just sleeping though because when I woke the following morning I woke with vague memories of distant dreams; just a little too distant and vague for me to pull back into my mind. It was only when we spoke and she mentioned how she had been looking back at a particular period of the year - a period of about 2/3 months - that my dream suddenly slammed back into my head and I realised that I had dreamt about that time in her life as if I was living it. Her memories had seeped into my dreams.

I don't know what you would call this - coincidence maybe. But it happens all the time. Constantly. And every time it happens it just strengthens our knowledge that we were always meant to be together. It just took 35 years for it to be the right time.

Soulmates.

Soulmates with bonds that go beyond this life, beyond the past and beyond the future.

So the wrinkles of yesterday are put aside, smoothed over and instead we concentrate on what matters. Us.

turmoil

2006-01-02T20:44:00.000Z

TURMOIL

I've upset my darling ~S~

I didn't mean to do it, it wasn't intentional or expected and now she's unsettled and unhappy.

It's at times like this, more than any other, that I hate and detest the miles between us.

It's at times like this when I need to hold her in my arms. I need to be able to whisper how much I love her in her ear. I need to bridge that physical distance because words just aren't enough.

I want to get my body into shape for her visit in September. I want to lose some weight, tone up. I want to be proud of my body instead of hiding under the sheets.

When she steps off the plane and sees me for the first time I want the instant physical attraction to be as strong as the emotional attraction that we already share.

The vain, shallow part of me wants her to think 'Wow, and she's mine.'

The vain, shallow part of me wants her to not be able to keep her hands off me.

I wanted her to feel good about this. I wanted her to look forward to that first meeting. I feel almost like a bride on her wedding day about it - it will be one of the most significant and important days of my life. I want to look the very best that I can do, and for me that means starting now, getting me head around my eating problems, getting my body into shape and making myself feel good for her.

But instead I ended up making her feel bad.

I don't know how to make it right.

I love her, mind and body, heart and soul. I know that our love is so much deeper than a physical attraction - but the physical attraction is still there. I've seen photos of her, I love the way she looks. But I hate that she is unhappy with herself. Because I know how that feels. I can reassure her a million times a day but until she feels it in herself, it won't make a difference.

My physical appearance is only one of the places where the Princess of Paranoia chooses to kick me. But it's one of the places where she kicks the hardest. And enough is enough - I'm not leaving that target exposed any longer.

~S~ made such a heart-rending post, I cried when I read it.

As much as I love her, I don't think I can make this right for her. She has to do it herself. That hurts. I feel her pain.

bargaining for relief

2006-01-02T12:21:00.000Z

BARGAINING FOR RELIEF

I survived the evening at my parents!

Actually, it was a good night - I enjoyed myself. Both parents were in a rather jovial mood - I think dad's was aided by the bottle of red wine he'd managed to consume. Mum was relaxed because she'd done a buffet instead of a cooked meal and as such wasn't jumping up and down every 30 seconds to tend to something.

The food, I have to say, was fantastic. My mum really knows how to cook. I mean really. And last night was the last night of food-freedom for me - more about that another time - so I decided to indulge and enjoy. She made the most incredible chicken, ham and leek pie, spicy potato wedges, green salads, pasta salad, cooked ham and beef, and freshly baked bread. What can I say but mmmmmmm.

Dessert, however, was in a class of its own. Chocolate truffle torte. Divine.

Think rich Belgian chocolate with fresh cream and brandy, topped with Amaretti biscuits. Very very rich. Very very delicious. I wish you could taste it.

The best bit though was after dinner. We all went to sit in the lounge. DH, being socially inept, took full advantage of the fact that J2 has a PS2 in his bedroom, and the two of them disappeared upstairs for several hours. Which meant that I was able to relax and enjoy the company of my family. We laughed, told jokes, watched dads new DVD - a very politically incorrect comedian who shall remain nameless. We ate more chocolate when mum brought out the Thorntons Continental. Some fell asleep. It was lovely. A nice way to bring in the New Year.

I crawled into bed at about midnight again last night - just ahead of DH. But the second I got into bed, the pain started again in my leg. It's my calf that is really bothering me at the moment, not my foot. I don't know whether its cramp or some other muscular thing, but it is damn agony. And of course with the cast extending up to my knee, I can't massage it or anything.

So I'm lying in bed, just starting the whole writing in pain thing, and thinking that I'll go downstairs and take a couple more painkillers when DH comes to bed. After a few mintues he asks me if I am in pain. Yes, I am, it should be obvious from the fact that I am stifling moans and can't lie still. Do I want my painkillers? Oh yes please. So this is where he becomes the DH that we have got to know so very well. I'm still reeling from the shock myself. He'll go and get them, he says, if (and it pains me to type this) I will give him a blow job when he comes back. WHAT????? Did I mishear him? I'm lying there writhing in pain and he wants me to bargain for my painkillers by giving him a blow job????? Now, I don't normally swear but NO FUCKING WAY!!!!! Not in this lifetime. He then proceeds to tease me - asking me how much do I want the painkillers. Not that fucking much, arsehole. I'm almost in tears - almost - but I decide that I'll tackle the stairs and get them for myself. At that point he gets out of bed and wanders off to get them, muttering something about how I am all 'take take take'.

I'm sure it doesn't need saying, but he didn't get the blow job and I slept on the very very edge of the bed.

I think we can brush that episode swiftly aside.

Actually, it could have been amusing. He must have momentarily forgotten that I don't do blow jobs. And the reason for that (aside from the obvious......) is because I have TMJ. Temporo-Mandibular Jaw. Which means that sometimes my jaw can just clamp shut, just like that. Locked. Tight. Ouch. Could have been funny and bloody....