Friday, September 30, 2005

life's like an hour glass glued to the table


It's raining here today - drizzly, misty, damp and more than a bit chilly. Welcome Autumn.

S travelled back to her parents yesterday - a 12 hour journey in the end, but she made it safely and intact and I spoke to her on the phone around midnight last night. The time difference between us has changed, she's 6 hours behind now instead of 5 hours. I know that's only an hour but it will make things just that bit more difficult - especially once she goes back to work. We will find a way to work through it though, somehow.

This morning has been mainly occupied with combing my hair. I suspect that at least one of my children has head-lice. Yuk. I comb them and check them religiously, but this morning I noticed one of them scratching. I quickly checked and found nothing but now I'm totally paranoid and in itchy-head city myself so I've been combing, combing, combing and right now my scalp feels sore from digging the comb in. I didn't find anything. It doesn't help that I have a very dry scalp so it often itches because of that. But the thought of head-lice. Ewwwww. So guess what I'll be doing when they get home from school this afternoon. I can think of far better ways to spend Friday evening than knee deep in olive oil and tea tree oil. But there is no way my children will have head-lice. No way. I get so mad - they go to a tiny school - only 13 children in IS's whole year - and although its just a normal village school, the vast majority of the parents are pretty affluent, professional, intelligent. Yet I can think of - and could name - at least half a dozen who fall into the previously mentioned categories but they must never check their children's hair. If they did then surely they would see that little H is literally crawling with them. They can be seen on top of her hair! And the school is powerless to do anything about it - they will bring it to the parents attention but apparantly they can do no more than that. So in the meantime, little H (and the other half dozen around her) continually re-infest other children in the class. A couple of years ago, when I only had the eldest at school (and she had only ever had one head-lice on one solitary occasion) they called in the Health Visitor to give a talk on head-lice, how to deal with them and stuff like that. I was the only parent that went. Speaks volumes that.

Huge huge apologies - how on earth did I get onto a head-lice rant? Ewwww.

You can look again now, I finished!

So what else is bothering me today - well lots actually. My ED has returned with a vengeance. In fact it never really went away, it just metamorphasised (is that even a real word) as it does. And right now it is in the phase that I deal with the least well. I don't know how you would categorise it - I'm not anorexic - nor am I truly bulimic. There is a 'label' for unspecified EDs but I hate labels. Anyway, at the moment I'm in an eating phase and this gets me so panicky. I've been eating for about 2 weeks now - and I eat total crap. At erratic times of day and night. I reached crisis point last night because my body just cannot cope with the crap I throw at it and is now in rejection mode which usually involves stomach cramps, acid, my skin breaks out, hair starts to fall out, nails snap - oh it is such fun. And right now I have the full complement of crappy body issues to deal with. And of course I feel like I gained a huge amount of weight - never mind that my clothes still fit me - they don't 'feel' the same. So then the spiral of feeling so bad and so low about myself starts to take over. For a few days I have fought this crisis stage and done the usual thing of turning to food for comfort. But today I sense the resurgence of the other half of the ED - not eating. This, I know, is equally as destructive as the other stage, probably more so, but if I were to choose I would choose this all the time. I ate a corner of a slice of toast this morning - that the youngest had left. The eldest had left most of her toast as well. Yes I know I should have put my foot down about wasting food but I didn't have the emotional energy to do that. And besides, at that point, I thought that I might eat the toast instead. But I didn't - I threw it in the bin (should have put it out for the birds really, I feel guilty for throwing it away). And I ate the corner crust that the youngest left. And right now I'm planning - actually planning - on how I will get through the day without eating. It's such a conflicting place to be in. The rational, logical part of me knows that I'm not in control here - that the ED is just controlling me in a different way. But there is that little voice in my head that tells me I am controlling by making a choice not to eat. Ironically I know so much about ED's yet I can't apply my professional knowledge to myself. I tell myself that if I just don't eat I will lose some weight and then start to feel better about my body. And when I feel better about my body then I will stop having the ED. I know that's a fantasy, if I am honest with myself. I promised S that I would beat this. And I will do. I just don't think it will be today.

Sorry for the maudlin and self-indulgent post today - I'm going to do my ironing now (story of my life - I always have ironing) and maybe sit and sew for a while this afternoon.

I'll bounce back, I usually do.

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud


Anonymous Anonymous said...

First of all, head lice has nothing to do with affluency or where you live.
This product saved my sanity when my oldest kept getting reinfected by the same little friend at her day care 5 years ago. It was absolute hell dealing with lice until I found this comb. Go to:

If you google ROBICOMB a like to a UK distributor comes up.

This is seriously the easiest and most effective product. No putting poisonous shampoo on your child's head, no worrying that maybe your eyes missed one little creepy crawly, and combing the whole head takes like 5 minutes and you have either peace of mind or killed the little bastards.

Tell the school about it. Ask that they buy one for detection. Spread the word to other parents. IT'S NOT A BIG INVESTMENT FOR THE BENEFIT OF ERADICATION.

Can you tell this is my personal crusade?!

Then buy some lavendar essential oil, put a few drops in a spritzer, fill with water and mist your kids' heads every day. There's no scientific support, but my kids have never gotten lice since I started to do this.

OK, enough! Now MY head is starting to itch!!

Now to the other thing...

Please don't take this the wrong way.... I see you are in so much turmoil.
Find a professional to talk to that can help you deal with all this.
You're not sleeping enough.
You're unhappy.
You feel guilty.

Please do not allow your body to suffer because of what you do or do not eat.

You need to get some sleep. If S and you are truly in love, sincerely want to make a go of it... it will wait. And I'm sure S will understand if you need to stop communicating for a while so you can get a full night's sleep... lots of them, in fact.

Believe me, I know about being consumed by someone I can't have. I spent almost a year tortured by my soul mate. But unlike you, leaving my family isn't an option. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't. It does make things easier NOT wanting to, this I know.

But all the turmoil/torment/being consumed is wreaking havoc on your mind and body... don't let yourself spiral down.

Find a professional you can talk to and help with your ED.

Leave your husband and move forward with S.

Or prepare yourself for a life without S and live what you have now.

I say this will all the sympathy and empathy and concern I have for a total stranger who's seen my secret side and who's shared her own.

1:33 PM  
Anonymous Eating Disorder Information said...

Alles, das Sie w´┐Żnschen, ist vor Ihnen recht. Die Frage ist

3:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cause we can't jump the track we're like cars in a cable and life's likean hourglass glued to the table and no one can find the rewind bottom girl. Cradle your head in your hands and breathe just breathe oh brathe just breathe...-I love this song...
bye good luck girl...
from Angel

8:45 PM  

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