Friday, September 30, 2005

there goes the fear, let it go


Firstly, I want to express the most enormous thank you. Thank you to those of you that take the time to read this blog as often as you do. I know it isn't always the must amusing place to be. Thank you all for the comments you've left me - there are a some of you in particular that have really touched me with your comments. And your comments really do make me think carefully, which is not always a bad thing.

So with that in mind, and with an outright refusal to delete the mornings post (which seems like a good idea right now but I won't give in and delete it), I'm springing back.

I've heard some wise words. And I realise that what I have with S is far too precious to jeopardise with guilt, anxiety, and all those other negative emotions that seem to be milling around. I'm not saying I'm free from those emotions - doubtless they will rear their ugly heads again, but I'm not going to give in to them and I'm not going to allow them to taint the connection I have with S.

As for the eating thing - well, I sat and thought and pondered, had a few internal battles with myself, and at lunchtime I sat down and ate lunch. Surprising concept for me. But after a morning spent planning a day of starvation, to sit and eat lunch is pretty good. So I'm giving myself a virtual pat on the back and feeling like I did actually show some control. Me. Not the ED. Again, I'm not out of the woods, but the wise words made me think - do I really want to get down so low that I can't get out? And truthfully the answer is no I don't.

What I want is to enjoy and savour every moment that I am able to spend with S - there are so many circumstances beyond our control that make our time precious right. I don't want to spoil a moment of that. This is not about me becoming blase about being unfaithful to DH. And yes, of course there are times when I will feel guilty and whatever. But I want to see where the road takes us. Both S and I know where we want it to take us, we know what direction we are heading in eventually. But free from expectations, and enjoying the ride. Because what we have now, whilst not 'real' in the sense that it can be physically touched, is every bit as pleasurable and fulfilling, and in many ways it is more 'real' than that which claims to be reality. So I'm going to celebrate that. We're going to celebrate that. We're going to celebrate each other.

I spoke to her again on the phone this afternoon. For the first time in a what seems like forever, we were both alone. No-one else home, no-one expected home. I have to be honest and say that I rather hoped there would be more to our phone call that just casual conversation - although it's never casual. I have a cordless phone, so it tends to wander around the house with me, and I must admit I find it hard to stand still when I'm chatting on the phone. She heard the squeak of the upstairs floorboards and knew I was upstairs. I knew what she was thinking - and inexplicably I was overcome with shyness - ridiculous in a woman of my age - even more so because it isn't exactly the first occasion that our phone calls have been explicit. So she suggested I lie down. I don't need asking twice. Her voice is like honey, sweet and thick with desire. My breath is soft and shallow. I don't even need to touch myself to feel her now - her voice does all the work. Her words are almost innocent. Do you feel me touch you? Yes I do. I breathe faster, harder, my head is spinning. There comes a point where I can barely hear her voice above the sounds spilling from my lips. Let go. Yes.

Afterwards we laugh, I imagine her arms holding me while my body returns to me. Are you okay? Yes I am. I almost say, you didn't hear me moaning did you? And then I realise with a giggle the double meaning in that and instead I say that she didn't hear me complaining. Then I tell her what I almost said and we both laugh. It's good to laugh with her - it's more than good. Sometimes one, or the other of us will get the giggles so much that we can't speak for ages. In all the angst I had forgotten about that. It was good to be reminded.

A glance at the clock and once again the black hole of time has sucked us in, distorted us and spat us back out after what I swear is only 5 minutes. But the clock says an hour, as does the display on my phone and we have to say our goodbyes.

A short while later I'm walking up the road to collect the children from school, still tingling between my legs, still bathed in the afterglow. Walking past the other mums, wondering how many of them have spent the afternoon in such a blissful way and deciding that right now I am blessed.

We dash to the library, choose some books and come home - and when I walk through the door, there she is again, waiting for me. I share my books with her - she's going to the library herself today. I'm happy because one of the books she recommended I read will be available to me next week. It's these little things that make the difference.

Listening to ... The Doves, There Goes The Fear

Close your brown eyes, and lay down next to me
Close your eyes, lay down
'Cos there goes the fear, let it go
You turn around and life's passed you by

You look to ones you love to ask them why
You look to those you love to justify
You turned around and life's passed you by


Blogger thordora said...

Feel better sweetie.

Little things do make the difference. Go make some candy apples, or pick up some good records.

Always willing to "listen" via email if you need it

6:53 PM  

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