Wednesday, October 19, 2005

in a tizz


I've got myself so pathetically worked up into such a state that I'm sat splashing tears on the keyboard.

You know when your mind wanders off on its own tangent and makes assumptions about what other people want or need, based purely on your own insecurities?

Well, my mind is off a-wandering on one of these tangents, led astray by the Princess of Paranoia (that bitch again) and has taken it upon itself to decide that S doesn't want a pale, blotchy redhead. Princess of Paranoia joined forces with Little Twisted Mind and made that assumption and then took great delight in whispering it over and over again in my ear.

I thought that S was cross with me this morning. She wasn't, she told me she wasn't, and we are honest enough with each other that I trust she would tell me if she was cross. But I thought she was cross with me. I thought I had let her down. That led, naturally, to the thought that she would no longer love me. It meandered around a few times before reaching that destination - it passed through the territory of physical preferences, wandered gaily through emotional neediness and finally arrived at the conclusion that she wouldn't love me anymore.

I'm just heading through an insecure patch.

S told me at least 50 times how much she loves me. She told me every way she could tell me. And I really did listen.

And she has a theory that these feelings are fallout from the weekend with DH. Yes, she's probably right. Despite the fact that I think of myself as some smart, sassy, independent and intelligent woman, I think the reality is that my confidence has been picked away at by the collective vultures of a bad marriage, childhood abuse and bullying. And now we have just a few bones left. There are days when I pad out those bones, and for the most part no-one would have a clue. In fact if you were to ask anyone that knows me 'in the flesh' they would probably describe me as one of the most 'together' people that they know. Oh, how we play these roles out , don these masks of confidence and togetherness. Then we come home and strip naked and display the bones.

I think that is the difference now - I'm finally allowing myself to display the bones to someone else. I know those bones are unattractive and ugly, but they are me.

I suppose that I'm just not as tough as I thought I was.


Blogger natty68 said...

*hugs* honey and thank you for your comments in my blog earlier :-) We can support each other through this maze of paranoia..:-)

11:54 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

The deepest desire any of us has is to be seen for who and what we are, and be loved anyway.

12:19 PM  
Blogger The real me said...

First things first... why is there a line crossing out my Blog name? Have I been banned?!

OK, now for the important stuff.
Lean in real close... I need to whisper in your ear...



Next time Princess Paranoia and her friends want to party in your head, turn a deaf ear and remember what I said.

Don't sabbotage yourself for anything.

Don't listen to the negative that's oh so much easier to believe than the positive. (Why is that, anyways? Future Blog material for sure...)

You sound so horribly sad lately.
You're stuck in a marriage that you don't want, yet won't leave.

That's a terrible position to be in. You could last a long, long time like that. And no matter what you say about keeping it secret, somewhere, sometime, someone will figure it out and it could be your kids. Children pick up on the tiniest of things.

Do what you need to do to make yourself happy.

Someone once asked me:

What do you need to change in your present situation in order for you to die happy?

Not a bad exercise in thought, wouldn't you agree?

1:24 PM  
Blogger art said...

I suggest you listen to "the real me" I like the new blog look by the way

3:28 PM  
Blogger CycleGuy said...

On the contrary, those bones make you who you are. They make you deal with difficult situations and in turn make you stronger. You're probably the beautiful person you are today because of them...
Pay no attention to those two, and rest assured that if S says she loves you and she's 4000 miles away, she really does.

Great look for your blog!

5:25 PM  
Blogger Leesa said...

Wow this post was surreal. I understand these bones. When you said we "don these masks of confidence and togetherness" described me perfectly.

6:33 PM  

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