Saturday, October 15, 2005

problems at home


I'm typing this rather hurridly at 7am on Saturday morning while the rest of the house sleeps.

DH came home last night and once again he is behaving confrontationally and in a verbally aggressive way towards me.

He has thrown all manner of accusations my way since he got home - and although I admit I am far from perfect, he was cruel and unjust. Once again, he is no longer the man I married, and he is no longer the man that I have felt guilty about betraying. Somewhere in there, I know there is a decent man and a good father, but right now that is heavily masked by sarcasm, aggression and cruelty. I don't say this for sympathy, I just need to get it off my chest.

I've been thinking desperately of ways that I can get out of my marriage. Right now, I want to leave. This has nothing to do with S. Even if she were not on in my life, I think things in my marriage would still be the same - whether I would see it as clearly is a different question. But his behaviour is not a reflection of my relationship with her. He knows nothing about that and I have not changed my behaviour towards him in any way. This is now him, and his lack of respect, consideration and feelings towards me.

I know that it shouldn't come down to this, but it does. Financially, if I leave him I am crippled. Although I work, my income is not consistent or sufficient for me to bring up the children. I am heavily reliant on his income. And of course we have the usual debts. I know that if I left he would make life as hard for me as possible in every way. So I am stuck. I'm desperately thinking of a way to get out.

The children love their dad, and he, in turn adores them. I hope beyond all hope that they are not damaged by us.

I doubt I will be online much over the coming weekend, he is even making that difficult for me - demanding that I sit with him at all times even though he then refuses to talk to me or even acknowledge me.

Maybe I deserve to be treated like this. I don't know anymore.


Blogger Miladysa said...

No, you do not deserve to be treated like this.

9:33 AM  
Blogger Romeo Jensen said...

sounds like you feel trapped... just hang as best you can... there was something? in DH that you loved and adored 10 some years ago (I would guess) I know you dont think that could ever come back... and probably... he doesnt deserve the 2nd chance... but right now... he... your daughters... and the marriage as it is are all you have to hold on to... try to make the best of this horrible bad situation... find what good you can in it... I speak only from the children's (your daughters) point of view as I am also going through this with my parents... my dad... my mom... both feel like failures (they eventually did split) and now they both seem to be in a rut... miserable WITH each other... yet truely... miserable WITHOUT each other... can you picture your life without him? If so... then you owe yourself... and the children... to make the best of it while it last... God has his reasons for all things... even the pain... Im sure in your years of life you've seen things happen... bad things... that seemed meaningless at the time... but later you could see how it all worked out for the better and just had to be

this coming from the most wise and aged 23 year old *grin*

I'll pray for ya

9:34 AM  
Blogger Mermaid Girl said...

Darling Girl,

You so know you don't deserve to feel the way you are.

Sending you deliciously happy thoughts, framed by rainbows and shining with glittering shooting stars.

Mermaid Girl
(still me, new blog, so new name - long story)

2:12 PM  
Blogger Sasha said...

i will not pretend i know how you feel, cause i don't. honestly, if i were in your shoes i wouldn't have known what to do either. i'm sorry to hear that your marriage of 10 years has come to this. i sympathize even though i know nothing of how it feels like.

what i do know though, is that you don't deserve to be treated that way. no one does. please don't blame yourself - you can only be the person that you can be, and that's not a sin. take care.

3:33 PM  
Blogger Mallard said...

No one deserves to be treated or have to feel like that. Thank you for sharing your heart. I wish there was something practical I could do for you. Keep being a loving mum as you always have, that's a key, I think.
Mal :)

5:15 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

It is a horrible thing for women to become prisoners in an unhealthy relationship because of money.

6:45 AM  
Blogger The real me said...

Maybe he does pick up on something. No matter how hard you think you're trying, emotions and vibes seep out of our pores and someone's radar picks up on that.

This road looks bumpy from here...

2:41 AM  

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