Sunday, November 13, 2005

communication and priorities


DH sent me a text message on Thursday morning. Full of contrition and apologies - he was sorry, he didn't mean what he said, and he even slipped in the line that he would die if he lost me. The text message was closely followed by a phone call during which he reiterated the text message and asked that we talked things through when he returned. I agreed to talk to him, I told him just how much he had hurt me, not just with this but with other things, but I said that I was willing to talk to him and see where things led.

So he was due home on Saturday afternoon.

I spoke to S, told her what was happening. In fact we had a beautiful day on Friday - she didn't have to work and we were able to speak for hours on the phone. She was anxious about his wish to resolve things - anxious that he would in some way 'win me back'. She cried, she was so worried.

Late on Saturday morning, he called me to tell me that he was on his way home. But that he was going to call and collect his dad as they were going to come back here to watch the rugby together. A ripple of deja-vu went through me at that point, but it was an important match and they love rugby so I let it go.

He got home, as it happens without his dad (as he had already gone out) but almost instantly settled down in front of the tv to watch rugby. Within a few hours he had commented that I hadn't changed the bedding, he didn't want pizza for tea, I had a large pile of ironing in the garage etc etc. More deja-vu.

Later in the evening I thought he might take the opportunity to open up a conversation about our marriage. But no. Instead, he put on the PS2 and played. I sat there, across the room from him, waiting for him to start talking. I suppose that I could have opened up the conversation, but to be quite honest I fully expected this to happen. He had made the offer to talk, he had apologised (I think that is only the third time in our married lives that he has ever apologised for anything) and now I am sure he thinks that in offering to talk he has absolved any responsibility to actually talk.

So, needless to say, there was no talking. Eventually he turned off the PS2 and flicked through the film channels and decided what we were going to watch. We sat in opposite sides of the room, and occasionally did speak to each other, but not about anything of any importance whatsoever and I ended up going to bed at 11.30pm, leaving him to watch the football.

So there we have it.

He offered communication, but when it comes down to it, he can't communicate.

I imagine that he is waiting for me to open up the conversation, but stubborn as it may be I have no intentions of doing that.

And so I will wait, and see if anything changes.

Somehow, though, I doubt it will.


Blogger S said...

Darling, you forgot the bit about how he told his boss that you had problems that needed to be sorted out so he couldn't leave town next week like he was scheduled to...


5:52 AM  
Blogger Sasha said...

but do you really want to talk df? "sort" things out?...

6:57 AM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

Good question, Sasha. I suppose that I just want a bit of peace around here - I'm not about to leave my house, whatever happens between us the children need familiar surroundings and stability. But I know damn well that he won't leave either. So even though I don't think things are salvageable in terms of our marriage, I would at least like things to be more amicable than they are. And that requires communication. Maybe though I'm just kidding myself and asking for the impossible - only time will tell.

9:06 AM  
Blogger Numpty said...

communication is the basis for a successful marriage, either party not doing so, puts the relationship on a slide, the less communication the steeper slide and eventually one person is going to get on slide, and hit the bottom..

Text messages and phone calls help, but to communicate best, it needs to be done face to face..

9:40 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Hmphf. What a boob! Men can be so f'ing CLUELESS sometimes. Sometimes? Hell, most of the time. Jeez!
*rolls eyes*
*hugs DF*
*backhands DH*

2:33 PM  
Blogger Minerva said...

Oh for goodness sake! Some just don't get it do they?

And then, of course, being me, I would sit and wonder if it was me who created this monster..but it doesn't sound like you have...

I feel for you, and want to shake him by the collar,


2:49 PM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

He's a fuckwit. There are no better -- no other! -- words to describe his behaviour.

I suggest you take charge of the situation. If and when you are ready to do so. Until then, concentrate on readying yourself.

And keep writing here. We're all with you, and love you loads.

From somewhere in Blighty -- thinking of you (and S).


6:15 PM  
Blogger Carla said...

He is such an idiot! He is acting like my ex did--sucking up enough to get back in the door and then acting like nothing happened. I stayed WAY too long because I was afraid of what it would mean if I took a step away from all that I knew...
And I KNOW your husband has probably reacted like this before. I am so sorry you are going through this. It does not seem he is aware of how good he has it. I hope he wakes up out of his delusion soon! Men!

6:08 AM  

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