Saturday, November 19, 2005

a little lost


Forgive me while I have a momentary whine.

I'm feeling lost right now. S is having huge huge huge problems with her internet connection at home. We think there must be a fault on the phone line or something because it won't stay connected for long enough to enable her to get onto anything.

Normally, when I wake in the morning, I switch on my PC to find that she has left me offline messages on Yahoo and there's usually an email or two in my inbox telling me about her day and her evening. And of course telling me how much she loves me. For the last few days there has been nothing and it makes me so so sad.

I know it is beyond her control.

Yesterday she went to the cinema on her day off - and we had arranged to meet up online at 9pm to talk. 9pm came and went with no sign of her - I knew that she was either delayed at the cinema (long film - the new Harry Potter!) or that she was having connection problems. At about 9.45pm my mobile phone rang - it was her - and she was really really upset - a combination of anger (at her lack of internet connection) and tears because she couldn't get online.

It was a huge risk for her to call me at that time - normally she calls at pre-arranged times when she knows that DH is out of the house - but last night he was home. Thankfully he was sat in the lounge watching tv and I was in the kitchen, so I was able to talk. Not as freely as I would have liked to have done, but I was at least able to talk to her as I would talk to any other of my girlie friends. And I really hope that I managed to make her feel a little better - I hate hearing her cry and not be able to put my arms around her, it tears me apart.

As S pointed out though, the internet is our only regular and free way of communicating - she cannot call me freely because of DH and her family, I cannot call her freely for the same reasons, and hence we rely a huge amount on the internet. Plus there's the cost of all those transatlantic calls. And to suddenly have that medium of communication become as unreliable as it has is, ridiculous as it seems, a blow to the heart.

So today, I am sorely missing my little offline messages of love. I'm missing hearing the mundanities of her day. I'm missing just knowing that I am in her thoughts and the ability to tell her that she is in mine. It makes the distance between us, and the journey ahead of us, seem so much bigger and so much more intimidating.

I hope that she can still feel how much I love her, even if at the moment I can't actually tell her.


Blogger Alyssa De Jour said...

Oh how pleased I am that you came to visit me... I just read quite a bit of your blog, and I am going to enjoy reading more of you no doubt!

10:09 AM  
Blogger Alyssa De Jour said...

Hey listen, there is a blog I would like to share with you of someone whom is in a very similar situation to yourselves and is also telling the story, however the owner has asked me not to blogroll it or publish the link anywhere. I sent her the link to yours and she said I could share it with you, so drop me and email and I will email the link to you personally,

12:33 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

I do hope her connection is sorted out very quickly.

1:17 PM  
Blogger Gnomey G said...

If I had some of my magic dust, darling, I would give it in a heartbeat to shrink that distance between you and your love. But, sadly, an evil elf has stolen it--he mugged me in the dark of the Enchanted Forrest. You just don't know what that neighborhood is coming to!

3:58 PM  
Blogger Sasha said...

i'm sure she feels it df. i'm sure she does...

4:31 PM  
Blogger S said...

Hey baby, my connection seems to have cleared up. It must've been the static in the phone line because as soon as I got home tonight, I attempted to log on and was successful and have been online for nearly an hour! I love you and I always feel how much you love me. Even when we're apart.


2:11 AM  
Blogger Mavida Lesbiana said...

Wow - I can't believe the similarities in our relationships, My girl is over seas as well - and we could call her S, but we don't, we call her Angel girl and she has had internet problems today which not only blocks her internet but her phone line - I'm missing her terribly, I feel ya.

You two seem to have the same passionate love that we have - isn't it amazing?

4:38 AM  

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