Wednesday, November 09, 2005

numb

NUMB

I'm not sure how I feel this morning, in the cold light of day. Numb seems the best word, although I suspect that I'm not really numb because if I was numb I wouldn't keep finding myself with tears streaming down my face.

Why am I crying?

Can someone answer me that? I don't love the man that he has become, he treats me badly and then shifts the blame to me, even I can see that. I don't want to be with him anymore.

So why, then, am I crying?

This should be the beginnings of the way forward for me - the beginnings of a future.

So why can't I stop these tears?

S has been incredible. She has listened to me weep over a man she hates, a man who sleeps beside me. She has put aside her jealously, and her feelings to comfort me as I cry. She has called me, every few hours, told me she loves me, reassured me that she will always be there. She has played love songs to me down the phone. She has cried with me, both of us sat in the dark, 4,000 miles apart, crying.

I don't know the way forward from here. I feel that I am left in limbo until he makes a decision. I'm scared that I will have to leave my home, I'm scared that I will lose my children. But why would that happen? It is him that has instigated this tidal wave. There is an atom of spirit left that he hasn't crushed, and that atom of spirit tells me that whatever happens now I should stay put, stay here, fight for my home and my children. I have invested 15 years of my life into this home, I have given up all of my life for my children and he will not take that away from me. I'm trying to nuture that little tiny atom, that scrap. It's not easy, but it's all I have.

Still crying though.

18 Comments:

Blogger Evil Minx said...

oh deadly, honey.

i so feel for you.

for what it's worth - and this is only my opinion, feel free to ignore if you choose - i think you're crying over wasted years, failure (NOT yours), frustration and as you said, the huge tidal wave of change about to come crashing down over your lives.

it's completely normal.

COMPLETELY

you didn't plan this when you married DH, did you? it's just one of your life plans that didn't end up the way you expected.

divorce is hard, i'm not going to kid you on that score. but in this case it may be hard, but to continue as you have been would be a hundred times harder.

you can do this, deadly. you are gutsy and strong and intelligent. you know your own mind. you love your children.

you have S to comfort you as a soul mate and a lover.

and you have me to comfort you as a friend.

i hope any of this makes sense. good luck with everything honey.

Minxy xxx

7:54 AM  
Blogger Sasha said...

my heart goes out to you df. i bleed for you honey... i know i cannot do anything nor am i in a position to say anything that would remotely alleviate your pain, but i'm here baby... a trans-continental hug for ya.

8:07 AM  
Blogger natty68 said...

*hugs* deadly

10:52 AM  
Blogger The real me said...

Sometimes what we want most in the world is what scares us more than anything else.

You've been talking for so long about not loving him and wanting to leave... why wait for him to make that decision?

Your life is your own. Don't let someone else decide your future.

1:18 PM  
Blogger Quiet said...

Anything worth doing is hard, anything that is hard is worth doing. I hope things work out for you.

3:48 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

Whatever happens, definitely fight for your kids!

I wish you strength, happiness, all the things that you deserve.

4:52 PM  
Blogger FunkyB said...

It's probably normal to be scared when change is thrust upon you. I think the expression goes something like, "the evil you know is more comfortable than the evil you don't."

Crying is good, numb is good... it's all a part of the process.

12:25 AM  
Blogger jazzy said...

If it all goes down, and someone must leave, let it be him if possible. It will be easier on the kids if they can stay in thier usual surroundings. I've been exactly where you are right now and I made the mistake of leaving our home. It should have been him. But that was me, you may be in an entirely different situation. (I don't mean to stick my nose where it doesn't belong.)

I feel for you, hun.

3:54 AM  
Blogger Carla said...

It is so normal to cry. You have spent so much of your life investing in this relationship and it is tied to your feelings of self-worth. Remember that you are much more than what HE thinks you are. Fight for what you are entitled to, fight for your kids and dont forget to FIGHT FOR YOU!!

I am sure that the caterpillar is scared, waiting in the cocoon. After all, it is operating on instincts alone and is taking a big risk by changing. But after the transformation has occurred, it spreads its wings and flies, realizing that the change was important. It changed its life for the better and I am positive it would never want to become a mere caterpillar again! So you might be in the painful cocoon stage, but soon you will have wings....

6:28 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

The end of love is always painful...

2:32 PM  
Blogger Seleena said...

You are a special wonderful woman and deserve more than a man who emotional tears you down. That is not love.

Take care my friend and you will always have my support.

3:30 PM  
Blogger art said...

eventually it will get better

3:58 PM  
Blogger Pandora said...

I came across your blog and was really quite moved . . . I hope you don't mind that I've stopped by during such an emotional moment. I've been going through much of the same thing lately, and I share your pain, your numbness, your disillusionment in this thing called marriage. At least you still have love in your life! Cherish her.

8:41 PM  
Blogger Minerva said...

I came here via your comment on my blog and am so touched with what I am reading. Three years ago, I was where you are now, staring out of a window with tears pouring down my face wondering whether I would lose my children.... I am now fighting a different enemy but know that I will get through it just as you will, for in all of us, in difficult times, we come out fighting...

I did, and you will....


Minerva

12:43 AM  
Blogger Mermaid Girl said...

You are a strong woman sweetie...

Draw on that strength now, as a parent you know what is best for your children.

Thinking of you

Love
MG

12:53 AM  
Blogger Sasha said...

baby, i noticed you left a comment on my hnt but that you didn't play this week... and while i so appreciate that you came over, i bleed for you... my heart is breaking for ya df. if there's anything i can do you know i would..

2:53 AM  
Blogger Numpty said...

Break ups are hideous..
staying with someone that you no longer love is horrendous..

Crying though is not the answer..
Making plans for future is, you'll have a new life soon with the one you love, it's just a question of time.. hold on to that, and i hope, I really hope it works out..

3:08 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Sweetie... it's okayyyyyyy to cry. You're HUMAN & you're in pain. Cry. Cry. And then cry some more. Damn, my heart just goes out for you so much right now! *sending biggest hugs I can* Hang in there, girl.

2:28 PM  

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