Monday, January 02, 2006

bargaining for relief

BARGAINING FOR RELIEF

I survived the evening at my parents!

Actually, it was a good night - I enjoyed myself. Both parents were in a rather jovial mood - I think dad's was aided by the bottle of red wine he'd managed to consume. Mum was relaxed because she'd done a buffet instead of a cooked meal and as such wasn't jumping up and down every 30 seconds to tend to something.

The food, I have to say, was fantastic. My mum really knows how to cook. I mean really. And last night was the last night of food-freedom for me - more about that another time - so I decided to indulge and enjoy. She made the most incredible chicken, ham and leek pie, spicy potato wedges, green salads, pasta salad, cooked ham and beef, and freshly baked bread. What can I say but mmmmmmm.

Dessert, however, was in a class of its own. Chocolate truffle torte. Divine.


Think rich Belgian chocolate with fresh cream and brandy, topped with Amaretti biscuits. Very very rich. Very very delicious. I wish you could taste it.

The best bit though was after dinner. We all went to sit in the lounge. DH, being socially inept, took full advantage of the fact that J2 has a PS2 in his bedroom, and the two of them disappeared upstairs for several hours. Which meant that I was able to relax and enjoy the company of my family. We laughed, told jokes, watched dads new DVD - a very politically incorrect comedian who shall remain nameless. We ate more chocolate when mum brought out the Thorntons Continental. Some fell asleep. It was lovely. A nice way to bring in the New Year.

I crawled into bed at about midnight again last night - just ahead of DH. But the second I got into bed, the pain started again in my leg. It's my calf that is really bothering me at the moment, not my foot. I don't know whether its cramp or some other muscular thing, but it is damn agony. And of course with the cast extending up to my knee, I can't massage it or anything.

So I'm lying in bed, just starting the whole writing in pain thing, and thinking that I'll go downstairs and take a couple more painkillers when DH comes to bed. After a few mintues he asks me if I am in pain. Yes, I am, it should be obvious from the fact that I am stifling moans and can't lie still. Do I want my painkillers? Oh yes please. So this is where he becomes the DH that we have got to know so very well. I'm still reeling from the shock myself. He'll go and get them, he says, if (and it pains me to type this) I will give him a blow job when he comes back. WHAT????? Did I mishear him? I'm lying there writhing in pain and he wants me to bargain for my painkillers by giving him a blow job????? Now, I don't normally swear but NO FUCKING WAY!!!!! Not in this lifetime. He then proceeds to tease me - asking me how much do I want the painkillers. Not that fucking much, arsehole. I'm almost in tears - almost - but I decide that I'll tackle the stairs and get them for myself. At that point he gets out of bed and wanders off to get them, muttering something about how I am all 'take take take'.

I'm sure it doesn't need saying, but he didn't get the blow job and I slept on the very very edge of the bed.

I think we can brush that episode swiftly aside.

Actually, it could have been amusing. He must have momentarily forgotten that I don't do blow jobs. And the reason for that (aside from the obvious......) is because I have TMJ. Temporo-Mandibular Jaw. Which means that sometimes my jaw can just clamp shut, just like that. Locked. Tight. Ouch. Could have been funny and bloody....

14 Comments:

Blogger Evil Minx said...

Do you not think that reminding him of your TMJ by giving him that one final blow job and clamping down shut on him, thereby injecting a spot of the "Lorena Bobbit" into your marriage?

No? Am i just cruel and evil?

Somehow, i don't think so... Not with that fucktard. Sorry Deadly, but i think his behaviour was abso-fucking-lutely disgraceful.

Sending you good fightin' vibes...

La Minxxxxx

1:31 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Ohh my gosh. I would have ripped his balls off if that were me. You are a much nicer person. I cannot believe that. I am going to go back to being in shock.

1:38 PM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

evil minx - But that would have meant putting him near my mouth...............ewwwwwww.......

kylz - I suppose I was in a little shock myself to be honest!

2:06 PM  
Blogger Junebugg said...

It's hormonal, men can't help themselves. The little head will overrule the big head every time!

You're Mom's cooking sounds lovely. I's so glad that you enjoyed your time with your family. BTW-What is Thorntons Continental?

I've got a Traveling Lei contest up on my site. Why don't you come over and check it out? I won the last one from Hawaii and I'd like to have you and your friends enter.

5:04 PM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

junebugg - Thorntons Continental are chocolates. Very very nice chocolates. We fought over the amaretti truffles. Understandable, I think. I'll be over later - get the kettle on...

5:10 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

Maybe clamping down would not have been such a bad thing... stupid fuckwit.

PS. Thank you for the AWESOME message on my blog sweetie. I so appreciate it.

5:35 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

I'm sorry... I am giggling to myself at the thought of what might have happened if you HAD gone ahead and gave him a blow job, and then ended up clamping down on him! It is a funny thought...

On the other hand, he is a jerk and I can't believe the way he treats you at times. I would probably at least smacked him upside the head.

5:49 PM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

I'm glad you had a wonderful time with your family. Dinner sounds scrumptious. Suddenly I'm famished.

The mere thought of a blow job makes me gag. Ick! No offense intended to any of your male readership.

Out of respect for you I will eschew from expressing my opinion about DH.

Now I'm curious about the comedian. Tell me! Tell me! :) Are you familiar with Eddie Izzard? I LOVE him!!

6:20 PM  
Blogger natty68 said...

I cant say anything..just ewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

7:28 PM  
Blogger Miladysa said...

He needs a smack.

Have you had that pain checked out?

7:59 PM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

wenchy - Anytime, petal xx

mamakbear - It is indeed a funny thought - but ewwww at the thought of....well, you know!

bent fabric - Don't worry about being open in your opinions about DH, honestly! Now the comedian was very politically incorrect - I won't dirty my blog with his name. I know Eddie Izzard though and he is seriously funny!

natty68 - Makes me need to scrub my mouth out with industrial strength Corsodyl!

miladysa - No, I haven't had it checked out although I know I should have done. Random thoughts of dvt keep crossing my mind, as does the fact that the nurse specifically told me not to ignore any calf pain. But the thought of waiting to be seen for 4 hours at the hospital is intimidating to say the least. I'm back there next Wednesday to be x-rayed again so I will mention it then - in the meantime I'll keep on with the painkillers.

8:42 PM  
Blogger Miladysa said...

You could always phone NHS Direct? Not trying to worry you - just being Mummsy :)

5:15 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

What an insensitive bastard! jeez!
Sorry you're in such pain, DF... hope the leg's better soon. =)

1:40 AM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

miladysa - I'm back at the hospital in a week, I'm sure its something and nothing. Thanks for your concern, Mummsy xx

lil bit - Out of all the things he's done - and there's been plenty - this was up there with his finest.

8:14 AM  

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