Tuesday, January 10, 2006

been doing a lot of thinking...


And that's not always such a good thing.

I have a tendency to over-analyse and work myself around in circles only to end up back at the same place I started.

There's been a lot of stuff on my mind - prompted mainly by recent events.

I need to deal with it before the circles get carried away and I end up dizzy.

I've been thinking about my relationship with DH - the way he treats me, the way I sometimes treat him. Thinking about what I have tried to do in the past to patch things up and carry on, thinking about how they haven't worked. Realising that I am beyond the point of wanting things to work - not just because of ~S~. If she walked out of my life tomorrow it wouldn't change my marriage.

I've been thinking about things that friends - real everyday friends - have said to me recently. Things they have pointed out that I chose not to see. Three separate friends, very close ones, have all told me that he is abusing me. I still find that hard to admit to and hard to swallow because I have no bruises, no marks. I find it hard to swallow because it's hard to face the fact that I am neither as strong nor as independant as I thought I was.

At the end of 2004, I started to plan a trip. For DH and I. I could see that things were bad between us and in an effort to make things better I thought a little time for just the two of us would help. So I booked flights to one of the most beautiful cities in Europe. Booked a 4 star hotel in the midst of the city. I called his employers and booked him some time of work. I arranged for the children to be taken care of. I bought him new clothes to take. It should have been a dream trip.

I told him about the trip on Christmas Day 2004. I don't quite know what I expected - maybe a little more enthusiasm, a little more recognition of the effort I had gone to. I'd have been leaping from the rooftops if someone had done that for me, I'd have exploded with excitement. But he thought it was 'very nice'.

It's almost a year ago to the day since that trip. We had an okay time. Not the wonderful time we should have had in that city, but it was okay. I knew back then, in my heart, that he wasn't the person I wanted to be sharing this city with. Our differences became glaringly apparant.

I wanted to wander the side streets, explore the tiny shops and stalls, buy unnecessary yet beautiful things just because, eat inappropriate food at inappropriate times just for the experience. We stumbled across an incredible cafe, purely by chance. It sang to my heart and if I ever go back to that incredible city then I have to go back there. It was tucked away, down a tiny alleyway and then down another alleyway. It was hidden behind a dark door. It was like another world. It was bursting with the reality of that city. I could have spent all day there, just sitting, absorbing, living. But he didn't get it and we left after one drink. He hovered impatiently outside shops while I browsed uncomfortably alone inside. I wanted someone with me that would share my finds, share my treasures, even if they didn't think they were treasures. Instead I was alone, while he tapped his feet and looked at his watch. The last morning we spent at the football stadium - that was something that meant a lot to him. I tried to share his enthusiasm for that but inside I felt cheated that he hadn't shared mine.

On the flight back, I knew that nothing I said or did would ever be good enough. I knew that things would be just the same as ever the next day, and the day after that, and the one after that.

In March of 2005, the eldest of our children had a very important week. It was time for an event that was the culmination of a years hard work. It meant that I would be away with the children for 5 days. One event took place on the Wednesday, but there was another, more significant event on the Friday. I'd asked him to take the day off work and come to the Friday event. He came over to our hotel on the Thursday night.

On the Friday, I was preoccupied. There was a lot to be done to get this child ready for the event and I was needed pretty much all of the day. It was a long day too - busy, hot, stressful. I didn't have time to pay much attention to him, my hands were full making sure that the eldest child was ready and where they needed to be. And with making sure that the youngest was safe and occupied and out of trouble. He sulked at the lack of attention. That's not an unfair statement to make. His mother was there - she supports her grandchildren in everything that they do and even she saw that he was sulking. The most important part of the day was due to commence at 1.30pm. I'd been getting the child ready since 11am. Suddenly, at 1.15pm I turn around and he has gone. Disappeared. I had no idea where he was, but I was anxious that he was going to miss everything. I tried to call him on his mobile, but no answer. I text message him and got a reply that was filled with f-words. He sauntered up at 1.25pm.

After that, he didn't speak to me for the rest of the day. We were there until quite late and he refused both lunch and dinner. I know for a fact that going without food makes him worse than a bear with a sore head and he was already more than bear-like. But he refused to eat point blank.

Just before things wrapped up for the day, we were approached by the parents of a 16 year old who had been involved in this since she was our childs' age. It was her last event - because of her age - and she was having a 'wrap-up' party that night at her hotel. She invited us all to go along. Of course, the eldest child desperately wanted to go and it was quite a thing for her to be asked so we went. He didn't want to be there, and he made that more than apparant. He was rude and ill-mannered and refused to even get the children a drink from the bar. There was a disco and the eldest child was up dancing with new friends when he suddenly announced to me that he was going back to the hotel, got up and walked away. Leaving me with the children on the wrong side of a busy and strange city, at night, and with no money.

I ran after him and begged him to stop and wait but he refused. The youngest child has a habit of removing shoes and true to style was shoeless at this point. I'm grabbing the children and running down the street after him, trying to carry bags and belongings while simultaneously attempting to get shoes on the youngest one. The eldest one is crying. I'm trying not to cry. He's about 200 yards ahead of us and I'm scared, walking past groups of drunks spilling out of pubs and leering at us. Not once did he look back.

We made it back to the hotel safely. I got the children in to bed. He didn't utter one word to me. Not one. I went to bed before him, confused and upset and alone. He slept on the floor of the hotel room.

The following morning, nothing was said. I was too scared to mention what had happened and he pretended nothing had happened. It has never been spoken of since.

There had been some friends with us that night - they are good friends that I see often and I am very close to the woman - C. They had said nothing while events were unfolding, I think they were probably embarrassed. But when I saw C in the hotel corridor she just put her arms around me and held me and I sobbed.

Damn, if you got this far you deserve a medal. I didn't mean for all this to come spilling out but it has. Heigh-ho.

I wish I could say that was all, but it's the tip of a very big iceberg and I don't much fancy a Titanic moment right now.

And I need to stop because right now this has just become a bit too much.


Blogger natty68 said...

Oh sweetie, *hugs* I cant offer much else, but I can tell you that you are a strong woman. And I hope that DH doesnt wear you down before its too late. And yes I agree he is abusing you, mentally not physically. That is the worse form of abuse, believe me, been there done that. You need to look after your darling childrens and your health through all this.


12:03 PM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

Yes, that is definitely abuse.

Yes, you should get the fuck out of there.

Yes, i know how difficult it is to do this.

Yes, i will always be here to support you -- and you know how to contact me offline also.

Yes, i'm crying as a result of having read this. My poor baby.

All my love


12:20 PM  
Blogger Chelle said...


I don't have words....only hugs! :o( Do what your heart tells you to!!

12:45 PM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

natty - Believe me, those children are my priority. It helps that he's away a lot too. And since ~S~ came into my life I am learning that I can stand strong and fight my corner.

minx - I didn't mean to make you cry, you know how much your words of support mean to me though. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

chelle - I'm doing just that - and the hugs are always appreciated.

You know, I made that post earlier and walked away in tears. Understandable. I hadn't thought about that day for about 8 months, I thought I'd put it behind me. Clearly not.

But I didn't tell that story to get the sympathy vote or to try and justify my relationship with ~S~. I think that deserves a mention. It's just some of the stuff I need to work through on this journey, and like I keep saying (to myself as much as anything) I'll be so much stronger at the end of this.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

He sounds so much like the x-person it's scary.

I'm sorry my friend.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Angel Girl said...

Wow, how I know all of that too well. My first bf absued me sexually, emotionally, and physically. What I do know is that you deserve better, and with some good planning you can survive on your own.. but I think you are starting to realize that.

If you EVER need someone to talk to I am always here for ya.. and believe me I would be on the first plane out to help you in a time of need if needed.

Love ya.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Miladysa said...


Again I echo what has been said and yes, it is abuse.

You do not need him, you are a strong woman and you will be OK you just need to take that first step which is the hardest one of all.

3:27 PM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

There are no physical marks but there are emotional ones, which to me are harder to heal.

Contrary to what you believe you ARE a strong woman. I harbor no doubts about that. You are handling everything much better than I ever would.

AG gave excellent advice. With some good planning (and I suspect this may already be in the works) you can rid neck of this albatross.

Hang in there, babe. Just hang in there!


3:30 PM  
Blogger d. said...

wow, i am a regular reader of your blog (hope you don't mind)and i know where you are coming from exactly. my husband and i took a trip to my beloved las vegas and he was the same as your husband, the only time he was excited was traveling down the strip (by foot)to the casino with the nascar cafe in it. the same happened on out trip to florida, gatlinburg, chicago. i , like you don't wear any bruises so when i make the decision to go alot of people will think i am crazy. my decision to go is becoming more and more clear to me. these blogs are like therapy for me, women tolerate far too many wrongs from their men.

3:45 PM  
Blogger Chardy May Cosmo said...

I hate when I let my mind wander to those dark places. You have to find a way to confront it and deal with it though. Then you will be able to move forward.

3:56 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

You'll get through it. You will. You're too smart and strong not to. Big hug to you.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Sasha said...

you deserve so much more. much, much more.

and the children do, too.

love ya df. you're in my heart.

5:04 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

I really don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said...just want to leave you a hug! (((((((((DF))))))))))

6:21 PM  
Blogger Pandora said...

Hugs Darlin'! Its not easy coming to terms with a failing marriage. Stay strong. I'm thinking of you.

8:12 PM  
Blogger jazzy said...


8:33 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I spent 15 years with my ex husband, and although he didn't go to the extent that your husband did, and very likely still does, I still felt like he was mentally abusing me. Nothing could ever be right for him....putting in more effort was noted but not appreciated.

Your husband sounds like a selfish demanding spoilt brat, who can't handle the attention his own children receive because it takes him out of the spotlight.

Sounds like you and the children would be much better off without him. Just my opinion of course, but that's the impression I get after reading your post.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Sis B said...

Oh, honey, you are strong. that's the lie that we tell ourselves--only weak women get abused, only poor women get abused, only dumb women get abused. there's a seriously WRONG stereotype of abused women. Acknowledging that I was a victim was one of the most difficult things about leaving my son's father. i struggle with it every single day (check today's blog entry if you don't believe me).

you are being abused. DH is a classic abuser, and it sounds that he also suffers Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That means, when the attention is not on him, he has to sulk, and do something to get attention (ie not eating, walking out of the party). most abusers suffer from a form of NPD. they also tend to pretend things didn't happen that you VERY WELL know happened, so that after the fact you question yourself and what you saw, heard and felt.

you are strong. you are also abused.

those two things are not in any way mutually exclusive.

sounds like you have RL friends who can support you, too. rely on everyone around you to help you through this, you will need every ounce of strength you can muster and every drop of support the people around you give. my blog has been INCREDIBLE for this, and i hope you continue using your blog for it, too.

you're strong, intelligent, and beautiful. protect yourself and protect your daughters. you can do this.

9:13 PM  
Blogger Mavida Lesbiana said...

You appear very strong to me, don't know how someone goes through life like this....

Hugs to you!

10:23 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

I love you baby, so much. He is abusing you and I will help you out of everything. One day at a time is our mantra, remember?

I love you xxx


11:32 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Ok, I was only leaving kisses for every one, but this post warrants more that one kiss...

I know that there are always two sides to a story, and that his version of the events of that day will inevitably be very different to yours. Having said that, I do not think that anything that he says will make the events of that day sound any better. There is not one excuse that he can give that will make his behaviour seem 'okay'.

I have to say DF, for someone that I have never met, I don't seem to care for him all that much (I'm just being polite because I don't want to offend you - you should hear what I really think!).

You know what you need to do with this relationship... you don't need us to tell you. And when the time is right, when every thing is in order, and when you have ~S~ there to support you, you will do what you know that you need to do.

And if all else fails... you know where I live. I'll see you both and the munchkins for a well deserved holiday (I have a big house - you will all fit!).


12:25 AM  
Blogger Lea said...

DF, this seems to be many many spouses. I have one just like it.
Think of you and the girls most important and be strong.

1:13 AM  
Blogger SassyFemme said...

DF, as so many have said, this IS abuse. Abuse is more than physical bruises. Please, get help, make plans.

2:53 AM  
Blogger pack of 2 said...

He sounds like a complete ass to me.

It is abuse & I hope you get out soon.

The story reminded me of something RSG's ex husband would have done given the chance.
I feel like I know his personality type.

I am sorry!


9:21 AM  
Blogger Chelle said...

Femme - nice to meet you.

I was reading this post you wrote about your husband and what he's put you through and it was like you were writing about my ex-husband and had taken an exert out of my past life. I know all too well what you went through and go through because that was my life. It is abuse sweetie, no matter how you slice it. If you'd like to talk or share, or would like to hear how similiar are lives have been, you can email me at : teri_michelle@yahoo.com

you are not alone honey.

much love to you,

12:21 PM  

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