Friday, January 13, 2006

get back in the knife drawer


You know, as a general rule I'm a find-something-good-in-everyone-and-everything kind of person. The kind of person that worries a lot in case I inadvertently offend someone, which normally means I reel in most of my thoughts and opinions.

Thankfully, though, I have two damned good friends that see past this nicer-than-nice exterior and recognise that Miss Goody Two Shoes sometimes needs to let her inner bitch out to play.

I was with such a friend a couple of days ago - she's been responsible for loosening me up quite considerably over the 6 years we've been close friends. She introduced me to the delights of Ann Summers (not personally - she just took me to the shop and made me buy something!), she plies me with vodka based alcopops on girls' nights out and is the kind of girl that can make a trip to the fracture clinic into an entertaining day out.

Thank heavens for girlie friends.

So we're sitting in the waiting room at the fracture clinic, patiently waiting to see the Doctor. A guy comes in, in a wheelchair, pushed by a hospital orderly. He's got a huge bandage on one foot, it's propped up in front of him and it looks bad. Nurse (more about her in a moment) comes out and pushes him off to x-ray, and a short while later he returns, still in wheelchair, clutching huge envelope of x-ray films which are duly whisked away by aforementioned Nurse.

Now at this juncture, I feel it necessary to remind you of the Harmony hairspray tv ads that were so popular in the 1980's - remember the tagline? Is she....or isn't she....? A swishy haired girl would sashay perkily down the street swinging her hair not-so-casually from side to side to show just how naturally bouncy her silken locks were. Astounded onlookers with breeze-destroyed hair stand agape at her perfect yet soft coiffure - surely she can't be wearing hairspray??? But there, peeking cheekily out of her faux-leather shoulder bag is a can of Harmony. Remember?

Well let me tell you that Nurse definitely was wearing hairspray and it sure wasn't Harmony! Let me also add that Nurse was doing a fine and sterling job, in a tough and very busy fracture clinic and she has my utmost admiration (I certainly couldn't do her job) but damn, she needs a new haircut. Circa 1980 and straight from the Princess Diana book of flicked page boy haircuts, she was styled and solidified to within an inch of her life. C and I reckon she could go to bed, enjoy rampant and very wild sex and still not have a hair budge from her head. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong - maybe I should cultivate the 'just been superglued look' for ~S~, rather than the continual 'just got out of bed look' that I normally sport.

Anyway, enough about Nurse - lets get back to the guy in the wheelchair. So he's sitting there, waiting patiently for his name to be called. Just as an aside, why is it that the Nurses doing the name calling have the softest and least audible voices? Eventually though, his name must be called because we see the spark of recognition flash over his face as he - get this - leaps out of his wheelchair and trots happily over to the consulting room. Yes, you got that right. He leapt to his feet with all the sprightliness of a young Gazelle. Trotted, almost cantered across the busy waiting room, bandage and all.

I look at C. C looks at me. We both look across at the now abandoned and empty wheelchair. Little Britain, anyone??

Incidentally, my plaster was taken off. Then I saw the Doctor. Told in no uncertain terms - need to elevate it more, need to rest it more. Then a new plaster went back on. Another 3 weeks minimum, but potentially another 8 weeks. Still a possibility of surgery. I broke it good and proper.

And it is never - repeat never - a good look to wear beige fishnet knee highs with an above the knee skirt. No matter how good your legs are. No matter how lovely your shoes are. Trust me, this is not a good look.

It's almost too much for me to relay the remainder of the days events to you - I'm giggling just thinking about them. C should be definitely be blonde (no offence intended to any blondes) because she's certainly dizzy enough. Motorised scooters are fun on sloping hospital corridors but not in car parks and you should always keep all the keys you need for your numerous car locks on your keyring rather than at home...

And it was amusing - even if a little unexpected - to meet someone for the first time and have them ask you quite openly if you are divorced and then have them proceed to tell you their many sexual preferences in quite graphic detail. It was several moments before I established that, despite a yearning to have Pete Burns' mouth wrapped around a certain appendage, this person was in fact completely and very much heterosexual. Some people can somehow carry off a miraculous level of frankness that borders almost on offensive yet without ruffling any feathers. This was such a person. I later learn from C that the aforementioned person is an artist specialising in female nudes with a preference for the more curvaceous figure - I'm curious how she knows this but I think maybe that is knowledge best shared under the influence of a bottle of red wine!

It was the sort of day that just couldn't be made up.


Blogger JD's Rose said...

C sounds like a blast. I love friends like that. I think different friends serve different purposes. Some are for laughing, some are for crying, some are for yelling, and others are there just to make you feel like you are 17 again.

10:58 AM  
Blogger melodyann said...

I used to have a friend like C. Then she got arrested and went to live in the big house....

11:39 AM  
Blogger natty68 said...

Wow you certainly had a good day didnt you hon :-) C sounds like a blast :-)

I am soooooooo sorry to hear that you need to keep the cast on for possibly another 8 poor thing.

I can just visualise the wheelchair guy..and yes that Little Britain sketch certainly makes me


12:21 PM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

You ain't bitchy... you're a laugh.

there's a HUGE difference.



1:11 PM  
Blogger Miladysa said...

Lol! Sounds a riot!

Sorry to hear the news about the leg :(

2:39 PM  
Blogger Minerva said...

What a great set of stories -each one of those is worth a chapter in itself!

And sorry about the leg - keep it up and elevated remember...


3:19 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

How frustrating that you had to have a new cast fitted, and possibly for 8 stinky weeks! pah. Sorry to read that.

You have beige fishnet stockings over there? I can't even imagine what they must look like in real life...just visualising them makes me kinda shudder. What a weird concept. Beige fishnets? Odd. Oh well, takes all types I guess.

Had to laugh at the nurse and her 'solid' hair...trying to have rampant sex with her could injure a person by the sound of things lol

7:24 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

I just saw "Little Britian" on TV!

7:45 PM  
Blogger lecram sinun said...

A bottle of red wine does certainly loosen the tongue. :)

10:39 PM  
Blogger Lea said...

Dang, I could use a friend like that.
Sorry about the cast.

1:38 AM  
Blogger Junebugg said...

We all need those kinda friends! Glad you two had such a good time even if you get stuck wearing the cast longer. If you need help drinking that bottle give me a holler.

3:02 AM  

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