Thursday, January 19, 2006

playing by the rules


Let me start by saying that I know I need to get out. I knew that before anyone told me.

Every day that I stay here I know that I am failing myself, my children and now possibly also you who have offered my such incredible support.

Last night it was almost as if had imagined the whole thing. Mr Sweetness-and-light, complimenting me on the dinner I cooked, confiding in me about some work anxieties he has, letting me watch a show I wanted to watch on television. The sneering, jibing man of the night before was nowhere in sight.

It confuses me. It makes me doubt that anything ever happened in the first place, I am tricked into thinking it was a figment of my imagination. But then I read my words and the emotions come flooding back and I realise that it isn't my imagination. It's just my subconcious mind's way of trying to protect me emotionally - a defence strategy. I know all about those.

Mr Sweetness-and-light can hang around sometimes for a week or so and I get that false sense of security that it was all just a blip. So last night I'm left thinking that his actions the night before were as a result of the work anxieties he was telling me about. Does that justify it though? No, I don't think it does. We can all take out our stresses on the person closest to us but we don't all do it that way. He's under pressure at work - is that justification? I asked him about certain things he had said (one of which was that one of his colleagues was filing a complaint against him because of his attitude) and he tells me he was winding me up, having a joke. I am the one with the sense of humour failure. Maybe it was a joke, or maybe he is hiding behind that as an excuse for his behaviour. Maybe it's a little bit of both.

The thing is, I don't know any more when he is lying or when he is telling me the truth. I don't trust anything he says. When he is out I lock all the doors and leave the keys in them so he can't get back in without ringing the doorbell because of his tendency to sneak up on me.

Am I living in fear of him?

Tough question.

Yes I am, although I hate to admit it.

I modify my behaviour so that I can play by this unwritten and ever-changing set of rules.

But as long as I play by these rules then Mr Sweetness-and-light generally stays. The problem is I am too rebellious. I do things that I know are against the rules. So I clearly bring it on myself.

Yes, I know I am sounding more and more like an abused woman in denial. I'm reading it back and shaking my head at myself.

We have a respite for a few days though.

His work is taking him away until Saturday night, maybe Sunday and in that time peace will reign. Everything will be calm.

We're also on the brink, the very brink, of the busiest time of year - from February through until the end of summer, and that will see him being away for a couple of weeks at a time and only home for maybe one or two days inbetween. It gives me breathing space, chance to put wheels in motion and sort a few things out.

I know that it is damaging for my children to be in this environment, but while he is not here over the summer things will be okay. When he is not here they see a strong, independant and capable woman that takes everything in her stride. And there will be several months of that ahead.

I appreciate that this must seem like delaying tactics, it truly isn't. I know that practically and emotionally I can cope just fine without him because I do it all the time when he is away. What I am trying to do is make the move away as peaceful as possible, with as little disruption to my children and their lives as I can manage. I don't want them to have to change school, lose friends, because of me. That means I have to compromise myself and play by the rules in the meantime which I am prepared to do. I absolutely guarantee though, that if he raises a hand to me then I will take those children and walk. Without a backward glance.

Many of you have offered practical help - I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your offers - it is a little overwhelming but in a good way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for offering. It helps to know that I have options. Minerva, sweetie, you will have email at some point today - I just need to compose it in my head and get it down on 'paper'. Kylz, you already have email (you are incorrigible in the best possible way). To all of you that have taken the time to read about my situation and comment - thank you is not nearly enough.

There are two very good and very close friends living within 3 miles of me that know what is going on. I don't fill them in on every little happening, they don't know the ins and outs of it all because they don't need to know. But I know that if I needed to get out in a hurry they would be there. In the meantime they call me pretty much every day, they check I'm okay and I believe that if the chips were down they would not hesitate in getting me out of here. I just make a choice not to tell them, or my family, anything that is really going on because I don't want my home situation to define my relationship with any of them. I want to be their friend, not their abused friend - if that makes sense?

What I need, more than ever, is this outlet. I know that many of you are worried about me, and I will never dismiss that. Never. I feel now almost a sense of responsibility not only for myself and my girls but also for those of you that have become my lifeline and my friends - even through the anonymity of blogville I consider you my friends. I do believe that things will calm down a little now that he is going to be away so much, certainly over the coming couple of months, but I won't forget what has happened nor will I ignore what could happen.

So please bear with me, allow me a little trust that I am and will do the right thing. It may be a glaring fault of mine but I am proud and independant and I need to keep hold of that, if I may?


Blogger melodyann said...

Sweetie, your husband is a fuckhead. I just read the post about him, and I have to say that he is less than a man. I have no respect whatsoever for a man who would purposely hurt the feelings of a child. And calling one of them "fatso" is fucking unforgiveable. I'd like to run over him with my car. If I can just figure out how to get it over there......

Big hugs, hun...

11:57 AM  
Blogger Miladysa said...


12:11 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

You may. You are amazing and a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Incorrigible by definition;
1. habitual
2. inverterate
3. dyed-in-the-wool
4. irredeemable
5. persistent
6. incurable
7. hopeless

Which one is it? I'm not sure about any of those 7 definitions... maybe I'm reading it wrong. I hope I'm reading it wrong!

12:32 PM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

Kylz, sweetie - persistent!!! In the very best and nicest and sweetest way! xx

2:25 PM  
Blogger === said...

always stay proud, work it out on your own accord.
love your writing it is quite raw, mind if I link you on my page?

3:04 PM  
Blogger Minerva said...

You are a wonderfully independant, honest, and proud wonderful person. It is only because we appreciate you like that that we are here for you.. We do, however, want to see that pride and independence continue rather than be battered by uncertainty and emotional abuse..

I could have a bottle chilling by supper time..*grin*


3:57 PM  
Blogger d. said...

you may want to look at some stuff on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, he sounds dangerously close from what i have read. part of that is to make you seem like the crazy one. i have thought i was crazy for the past 6 years, to the outside world i am. my therapist tells me the only crazy thing i am doing is staying and trying to make the situation sane. take care of yourself, things with these guys can change instantly.

4:20 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Reading through your post reminded me very much of my own marriage, including the "I was only joking." Part and playing by an unspoken set of rules.

Look up the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." That book was like a light of truth for me, and it addresses the "joking" issue as well as many others.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

I am going similar issues
come over for coffee stay for a poem

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Edge said...

Sometimes I'm not so proud to be a man.

5:47 PM  
Blogger lecram sinun said...

I think it is important to understand that most abusers can be the sweetest people in the world. It is a pretty complex behavior dysfunction. (This does not in anyway condone the abuser's actions.) There are no easy answers either way. Abusers need a target. The first step to healing for both sides is the seperation of the abuser from the target. Praying for all of you, DF.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Professor Fate said...

It is your life. I just read about the "night before." That is abuse. Emotional abuse can hurt as much and last longer than physical abuse.

Do what you need to do for yourself but don't sacrifice the kids to get it.

Best of luck.

12:34 AM  
Blogger Lea said...

I'm here with you DF and understand. Do what you need.

12:57 AM  
Blogger Karin said...

DF I have been reading your site for awhile but I haven't commented because quite frankly I knew not what to say. I am sorry that in some way I judged you for things I didn't understand. I would like to stand here as a friend and help you find the right path in this. I may not always understand your reasons for staying with such an ass but then I am not there and I can't know the reasons you have for staying. I appreciate this post because I think I understand more than I did before. I hope that this time over the summer allows you to get a plan in motion to get out and save yourself as well as your girls. I wish you strength in the meantime.

4:59 AM  
Blogger thordora said...

Mine turns into a stupid annoying ass when he's stressed out, but I've made it VERY clear that if he continues to do that, we're through. Kids or no kids.

It wised him up because he KNOWS I will do it. I'm with you. Mess with my kids and I'll kill you. Period.

He needs a swift kick in the ass. Changing the locks works. Just leave. It's scary and hard but man, you need to go. It sounds like it's escalating.

5:37 PM  
Blogger Pandora said...

Darling, do what you think is best, just be so careful to listen to your inner voice... We all care!

3:04 AM  
Blogger Angel Girl said...

Sweetie we are here for you regardless of your decisions. Perhaps you can get an under the table type of job while he's gone that will allow you to work when he's gone and not when he's there to help with the financial situation. Just a thought.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Sealed Lips said...

I'm so happy that this provides an outlet for you to cope with your situation. I wish you the absolute best and enjoy your blog very much.

5:26 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

I think you should go and deal with the consequences later, but please don't take that as criticism if you just can't do it yet...I've been there and I know it's hard. Keep writing here as a healthy outlet, don't let us saying 'GET OUT' as a negative reaction against you. You're gonna get there, I know it.

4:28 AM  

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