Monday, January 02, 2006

turmoil

TURMOIL

I've upset my darling ~S~

I didn't mean to do it, it wasn't intentional or expected and now she's unsettled and unhappy.

It's at times like this, more than any other, that I hate and detest the miles between us.

It's at times like this when I need to hold her in my arms. I need to be able to whisper how much I love her in her ear. I need to bridge that physical distance because words just aren't enough.

I want to get my body into shape for her visit in September. I want to lose some weight, tone up. I want to be proud of my body instead of hiding under the sheets.

When she steps off the plane and sees me for the first time I want the instant physical attraction to be as strong as the emotional attraction that we already share.

The vain, shallow part of me wants her to think 'Wow, and she's mine.'

The vain, shallow part of me wants her to not be able to keep her hands off me.

I wanted her to feel good about this. I wanted her to look forward to that first meeting. I feel almost like a bride on her wedding day about it - it will be one of the most significant and important days of my life. I want to look the very best that I can do, and for me that means starting now, getting me head around my eating problems, getting my body into shape and making myself feel good for her.

But instead I ended up making her feel bad.

I don't know how to make it right.

I love her, mind and body, heart and soul. I know that our love is so much deeper than a physical attraction - but the physical attraction is still there. I've seen photos of her, I love the way she looks. But I hate that she is unhappy with herself. Because I know how that feels. I can reassure her a million times a day but until she feels it in herself, it won't make a difference.

My physical appearance is only one of the places where the Princess of Paranoia chooses to kick me. But it's one of the places where she kicks the hardest. And enough is enough - I'm not leaving that target exposed any longer.

~S~ made such a heart-rending post, I cried when I read it.

As much as I love her, I don't think I can make this right for her. She has to do it herself. That hurts. I feel her pain.

12 Comments:

Blogger Sapphire said...

Baby I know without a doubt that you did not mean to upset me with the things you said. I know this is about you and how you feel about yourself. You can't make it right for me. This is something I have to do on my own.

I love you forever.

S

11:29 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Ok, you two suck. I'm too tired and way too emotional to read posts like this. It is horrible when you have to stand and watch, and there is nothing that you can do about it. Just love her.

1:40 AM  
Blogger SassyFemme said...

Sometimes, no matter how much we love someone, we can't fix things for them. When you're in an LDR so far apart all you can do is what you already do, talk, talk, talk to be sure everything you're thinking and feeling is out there between you. It will be fine for you guys, and when you first meet you'll just be staring in each others' eyes anyway! :)

2:05 AM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

Some roads we have to walk alone.

5:05 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

If I decided to put Walker off coming over here until I'd lost enough weight and toned up to the point I was gonna be happy?..hell, I'd be waiting for at least another 3 years! lol

S loves you and lord knows WE all know how much YOU love her.

Enjoy each other like you always do and just relax into the weight loss/toning thing, don't go crazy mad about it....you're a couple of hellish sexy women...and that alone rocks!

It's just a slight bump in the highway of your relationship, not a roadblock. Eventually you'll both ride it out.

5:24 AM  
Blogger Sasha said...

i understand her. and i understand you as well.

the greatest journey a man can take is meet people halfway.

7:11 AM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

~S~ - Oh baby, I love you forever too xxx

kylz - I do just love her, I love her to the moon and back.

sassyfemme - I think that is one of our strengths - we talk, talk and talk some more. Sometimes I talk too much. I value your wisdom and experience a great deal xx

wenchy - It's hard when you love someone so much to watch them walking that road alone. Especially when you can see the pain in every step. Because you want to run and scoop them up and carry them on your shoulders. It's hard to stay a step behind sometimes. But I'm learning.

lisa - I will never put off meeting her. If she called me today and said she was at the airport, then I'd be there in a flash and I know all thoughts about getting my body ready would be out of the window in the excitement of meeting her. But I have 9 months and I want to do her justice. I know she loves me regardless. And it is partly because she loves me regardless that I want to do this. I want to be the woman she deserves, I want her to feel like the luckiest woman in the world when she steps off that plane. Because I already feel like the luckiest woman in the world having her in my life.

sasha - Thank you so much, petal xx

9:18 AM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

DF, you are the best!

10:52 AM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

kylz - It was my pleasure, Kylz

11:41 AM  
Blogger Minerva said...

Oh the emotion just wrenches me here and I have read both you and S's entries...

Oh hugs you two...

Minerva

1:33 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

You're BOTH beautiful.
One day you'll know it about yourselves. =)

1:43 AM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

minerva - Its an emotive topic for me. I'm sure if I could learn to detach the emotion from it, then things would be much easier. Thanks for the hugs, they're appreciated xx

lil bit - The distance doesn't help. All we have is words when what we need right now is some of the gestures that go with them.

8:12 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home