Wednesday, January 18, 2006

working through my confused mind

WORKING THROUGH MY CONFUSED MIND

The morning after the night before and I'm confused.

I talked to ~S~ for a long time this morning, told her everything that took place last night. You'll find it written here, if you want to know. I hate seeing it up here in print every time I come to my own blog and so I've just slipped it all in a cupboard somewhere.

I talked about my perception of this situation. I know, I know, I know that if this were happening to someone else I would give them all the advice that you have given me.

Why is it so hard to see that for myself then?

I keep coming back to the same thing - this must be my fault. I should have been a better wife, better mother, better person. I should have been more attentive, cooked better meals, given better sex.

I must deserve this.

It's my fault.

Then I see sense for a while and see that it is not my fault.

Then the doubts creep back in.

Am I blowing things up out of proportion? He hasn't hit me - a little push or a grab of the wrists doesn't count, does it? He's drinking more. That must be my fault too. He's mean when he's drunk but then he's mean when he's sober. It must be me that makes him mean.

So here's the thing, I don't love him anymore, thats established. I struggle to be in the same room as him. But I put on a mask or normality and buy myself the time I need to get out of here. But it's never enough. Never good enough.

Do I pretend to love him?

For all my deception, I can't be that manipulative.

I can smile sweetly, cook his favourite dinner, ask about his day, be the subservient and obedient wife he wants. But I can't pretend to love him.

Maybe his behaviour is because he sees that. Maybe he realises our relationship has died and this is his knee-jerk reaction. In which case it is my fault, I let it die, I didn't try hard enough, I didn't sacrifice enough of myself for him. I was too selfish, too independant.

Maybe he just doesn't realise what he is doing.

I continue to make excuses for him, just in case it is all down to me.

Why do I continue to defend a man that makes me feel like a powerless 7 year old?

I can't answer that.

I thought today about our local Womens' Refuge. There is one in a nearby town. I know this because a couple of years ago I helped a friend escape from her abusive husband. I know this because my sister-in-law also spent some time there hiding from her abuser. I can't go there. I can't go there because my mother-in-law knows where it is.

I'm working on solutions, selling my soul on eBay. All I need to do is clear my debts (mine, not his) and then I can get out of here. It will take time, too much time and so in the meantime I will be as good as I can, as obedient as I can, keep my head down and work through this.

Thank you for your support, all of you. I hope you don't become frustrated with me.

27 Comments:

Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

okay, I'm reading, and reading, and slowly catching up....and it's making my eyes water and my mouth go dry

4:51 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

The thing that I regret the most about my own marriage is that I didn't have enough self esteem to stand up and say, "this isn't working for me anymore." I didn't care enough for myself to leave; instead I took a "kill pill" by having an affair with LBCG and telling him about it. That caused irreperable damage that I knew would never be able to be fixed and cause our marriage to end.

If I could go back, I would find the strength to realize that I was important and I didn't need to stay in a relationship that was not happy for me.

And NO, pushing and grabbing wrists is NOT okay, it's just not. Neither is emotional or verbal abuse. The emotional and verbal abuse is worse in some ways because it damages your soul.

You need to do whatever you can to move this along. See a lawyer and get some guidance. I'm sure you're a smart woman but you need someone in your corner to help you through this.

An no one is frustrated with you; you're going to be okay...

4:56 PM  
Blogger Pandora said...

If you can't do it for yourself . . . walk away for your girls. Be Safe. And then learn why you should have been able to do it for yourself. It sounds as if things are escalating out of control very quickly now. Please don't become a terrible statistic. My very best friend's sister was murdered. Maria was only married to the man for 72 days, and she knew things were spiraling out of control - but she didn't get out in time. Please, don't let him hurt you. It starts small, and yet it can go so far.

5:03 PM  
Blogger moonwhispers said...

get out of there.
no one deserves to be treated that way.
you CAN stand on your own, with your kids.
write out your steps, plan them logially and take one step at a time.
we are here, we understand, we support you.

5:07 PM  
Blogger Miladysa said...

Please try and forget about the debt - debt is nothing at all. You all need to be safe and I for one do not believe you are safe where you are. The local refuge will understand if you tell them that your mother-in-law knows where they are. Try and give them a call, anon is OK, you can explain your situation and they should help you find somewhere else to go or at least give you some other kind of assistance and support. There are people who can support you locally and we will all continue to support you here in blogland too.

I understand about keeping your head down but it doesn't really work because none of this is to do with what you do or do not do - it is all about him and what is going on in his head.

Whatever you decide no one will become frustrated with you.

Thinking about you all.

(((hugs)))

5:12 PM  
Blogger pack of 2 said...

DF....I wish that I personally could come and get you out of there. You ARE being abused physically, mentally and emotionally. You don't deserve any of this. You will see after your "escape" how unhealty this man and the life he is making you live is for you and your children. I know that one day all of this will just be a bad memory for you and that you will feel love and security in a relationship with S. Until then, know that I, and everyone else here, are thinking of you and hoping for a speedy escape from this terrible situation for you and your kids. Big, big hugs.

Angie

6:32 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

This is so familiar to me.

I felt exactly the same when I was married to the x-person.

Except I had the added violence.. if you didn't make me so angry, I wouldn't have smacked you... FUCKWIT.

Baby, you need to get out of there.

8:31 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

I'm really confused as to why there's even a dilemma. His money cannot be worth this. No money is, I don't care if he's a billionaire. Practically every woman I know, myself included, has had to leave...and we survived it, as will you, and usually when we look back on it later, our only regret is that we didn't leave sooner. Just leave.

For pushing the child and saying "I don't love you" alone, you should leave.

10:07 PM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

They've all said exactly what i wanted to.

I reiterate my last comment.

We are here for you. WHerever there's an internet cafe you can read us.

Get yourself the fuck out of there, DF. Go. You owe it to your sanity.

Love you lots

Minxy xxxxxxxxxxxxx

10:44 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

Sometimes just walking out isn't as easy as any of us would like us to think. I wish it were that simple. If I could go right now, leave tomorrow and fly to where DF is and take her away. Far far away. But reality doesn't work like that. Reality means we have to endure a helluva lot of pain just to be happy. And you can bet that I will do everything I am possibly capable of doing to make sure that every single day after she's walked out is the happiest it can be.

Until then we are forced to wait. I am forced to wait. And she must stay. For now.

11:00 PM  
Blogger === said...

I have been in a similar situation in my early 20's....I escaped within inches of my life..It easier said then done- leaving that is.....beautiful girl don't lose yourself...

11:01 PM  
Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

and the more I read, the more I feel like a helpless, angry voyeur.

You shouldn't have to live like this, no one should.

11:24 PM  
Blogger jazzy said...

DF - take comfort in knowing that you are preparing yourself for the time when you will be able to leave. Getting your finances in order is a very good thing - it will make you stronger once you DO leave.

If he gets violent, you will have no choice but to leave immediately, but if not ... there's nothing wrong with waiting it out so that you can leave on YOUR terms.

Hang on tight, sweetie.

11:42 PM  
Blogger CycleGuy said...

My dearest DF, I don't usually like to say anything negative about people but I can't hold back any longer.
What an asshole! I can't believe anyone could treat people that way. Especially their own daughters.
You can't live like this. It's abuse, pure and simple. You don't deserve any of it. Nor do your children.
Thinking of you...

xxxooo

1:15 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

You're relating to a lot of people---you do know that, right? The thing is, it's so easy for someone to tell you, "Get out! Get out of that marriage and move on!" It's very easy to 'say' it. It's another thing to do it.

My prayers and thoughts are with you. The emotional turmoil that you must be going through is extreme. I wish the best for you---and S... You need to make "you" happy first...above all. Please remember that.

Best wishes!

1:16 AM  
Blogger Minerva said...

DF,
Listen, and listen seriously..
I am in the same country as you, and I can help. I CAN do this and I am deliberately posting this here so that S can read this too.. I don't want to post too much stuff, but I have room for all of you, kids and all if necessary and I have the transport to bring you here and your MIL doesn't know me or anything about me...

If you need me, call,

Minerva

And incidentally, if you are reading this thinking 'she isn't serious..etc etc...', I have never been more serious in my life...

2:04 AM  
Blogger SassyFemme said...

DF,

In my 3-D world I'm known for being blunt and to the point when need be. I need to be now.

GET OUT NOW. YOU ARE NOT SAFE, YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT SAFE.

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. YOU ARE A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.


This is NOT your fault, you have done nothing wrong. The words you have written are the words uttered by so many abused women.

From: http://crisis-support.org/whatis.htm
Domestic violence is any emotional, physical or sexual abuse by a household member, often by a partner. Rather than being an isolated event, domestic violence tends to recur and to increase in severity over time. Without intervention domestic violence will continue. Victims of domestic violence often must wrestle with feelings of fear, loyalty, guilt and shame. Their children live in fear and are at high risk of becoming abusive adults and/or victims themselves.

Call your local women's refuge, explain how your MIL knows where it is. They'll still know how to help you, and how to get you and your girls to someplace safe.

Also, if you don't know about it already, I found this site:
http://www.refuge.org.uk/getHelpNow.html

The hell with the debt you wrote about in your other entry. DF, that debt is the least of your worries right now. Your safety; physical and emotional, and your children's emotional safety now, and psychological health for the rest of their lives is what is most important. Also, DF, based on what you wrote in your other entry physical violence is starting. What he did COUNTS!!! I'm sorry, but you need to face that fact. Statistically speaking, it will only escalate from here.

If nothing else, DF, you MUST do this for your girls. The longer they see this go on, the more it becomes ingrained in who they are as people, and who they will be and what they will allow to happen to them as adults. Seeing this will have a horrible effect on them, more than any perceived changes in their life that will come as a result of your leaving him. As an educator for 18+ years I've seen what happens to the kids who live through this and witness it day in and day out. You've told me that your girls are the most important thing to you. Please, DF, take action today and get out while you still can!

Turn around, pick up the phone, and make the call to the women's refuge. Not later, but now.

3:08 AM  
Blogger Lea said...

DF, I am a little late on this, yet I know completely what you are dealing with. My DH is overseas by our choice as we work through stuff, but he still has a way of making me feel awful about myself.
I was given a book to read, it is called Emotional Blackmail, and just in the first 50 pages, I can see so much. It is not easy, not at all but you do need to put the kids and your safety first. The rest is material, can be replaced. Physical and mental will take years to overcome.
Be careful and know we all are here anytime you need to vent or need a shoulder to cry on.
Much Love to you and kids today.

3:44 AM  
Blogger TD said...

Wow. That is powerful. I have actually been in a similar sitiuation. It is so tough when you have committed your life to someone and the love, the excitment is gone. It is even harder when someone else has your heart.

The first move is the hardest. After that, things get easier, but no less rocky.

6:21 AM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

DF, I think that you should take up Minerva's offer. I was thinking, we could all put stuff that we no longer want/need on ebay and auction it off to help. We'd only be getting rid of stuff that we were going to throw away any way. Can we do that? Please.

6:49 AM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

Walking out is the hardest thing I EVER did. It took every bit of my soul to do... but today, my life is better because of it.

9:46 AM  
Blogger natty68 said...

df, I can offer no more than the others have said.. but what I can offer you is loads and loads of *hugs*.

I too can offer you and the girls a place to stay if you wish.. We have loads of room here honey, and the offer is genuine.

*hugs*

10:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know Minerva in real life and if she says she is able to help you then she means it. Take what you can and go. P

10:48 AM  
Blogger Sealed Lips said...

I'm a new reader and haven't read all of your history yet, but read what happened the other night.

I know you've received a lot of advice, and I haven't read all of that either.

It seems that you blame yourself for how he is choosing to treat you. He must take responsibility for his choices and you for yours.

Are you concerned about the children? If you don't leave for you, or for him, leave FOR THEM!! Imagine what his comments and actions are doing to them -- psycologically, emotionally, etc. They deserve better.

"Children are better off coming from a broken home than living in one."

Take care. I look forward to more of your posts.

9:30 PM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

DF, I agree with Kylz. Take up Minerva's offer. Don't wait for the right time. The right time might be too late.

{{{{DF}}}}

4:43 AM  
Blogger Angel Girl said...

Wow you have me in tears. I too was in an abusive relationship.. luckily for me it was in high school and by time I graduated I had enough in me to walk away. It WAS the HARDEST and SCARIEST thing I ever had to do, but like everyone said my only regret is that I didn't leave sooner.

It sounds like you have a lot of people willing to help you get out financially and physically. Please use us as your tools. We care about you, and your safety.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Decker said...

Don't believe you have to do this on your own... You can't do this on your own. Your own thinking right now is very flawed. Your own thinking is making you stay. There are many good people here trying to help you. Muster up your courage, grab the help, NOW!
Yes, blunt and to the point...
Get Out of There! {{{hugs}}}

8:35 AM  

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