you know when you get a feeling?

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET A FEELING?

One of those feelings that something isn't quite right?

That happened to me last night.

I climbed into bed around 11pm last night, and read for a while before my eyes started to close. Slept for a short while and then woke around 1am, unsettled about something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

I fought with it for a while, but eventually it beat me and by 4am I was wide awake, wondering what the hell was worrying me.

I sleep with my mobile phone beside me, although I switch the ringer off - mainly because I'm often alone and its a security thing - you know?

But around 4am I flip it open for some reason and flashing away is the message indicator. I can tell by the type of message that it's from ~S~ and I know instantly that something isn't right. Don't ask me how I knew this - its not unusual for me to wake to a message from her, but I just knew that this one wasn't right.

I also knew that I couldn't read it lying there in bed - my messages are password protected for one thing and the tapping of the keys to enter the password would make noise that is normally inaudible but at that hour would be equivalent to tap-dancing in my plaster cast on the wooden floorboards. Besides, when it's opened in the dark, the illumination of the screen is not unlike a 500 watt strobe lamp.

After lying there for a while trying to rationalise I eventually reach the late conclusion that I'm not going to get any sleep until I've read it and so I climb from my warm bed and make my way to the bathroom to read.

My instincts had been right.

The job that ~S~ had been working of, as of yesterday, has ended. And she is now without work.

By this time it's 4.30am and I know that I can't get up without arousing suspicion and disturbing the rest of the house so I'm forced to go back to bed and lie awake until a more reasonable hour.

Which is now.

I check my inbox for more details and there's nothing, so I check her blog and there is an explanation of what has happened. It seems she's not the only one affected.

So many thoughts are flying through my mind right now. I'm anxious that she has no work, no work means no money. Without a car, her travel options are restricted, which in turn limits her work options. As far as her immediate needs are concerned, she'll be okay because of her living arrangements - she's not going to starve or be out on the street.

But of course all of you reading this will instantly know the real issue.

September.

She was on the brink of buying her ticket - just this last week we have been checking flight prices and timings, we had settled on dates and all were just waiting another couple of weeks to see if the prices changed. Her passport application is submitted and she ordered her luggage two days ago.

Now all that is in jeopardy.

I know we are rushing to panic, there's 9 months to September, right? In fact, today it is only 8 months to the day that she planned to depart. We were both looking forward to today because it meant we could say 8 months instead of 9. Small things.

I'm just sitting here now, feeling selfish desperation wash over me.

Let's just hope and pray (whoever you pray to) that she finds another job soon.

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It's now 7.50am and running close to 2 hours since I got up and wrote all that up there ^.

~S~ is due to call me at 9am, we'll have a chance to talk then, reassure each other that nothing will change. Hell, there's even a possibility that she could have another position within a couple of days.

The position she just had was a dream for us in many ways - she had internet access so we could keep in touch throughout the day, her days off were during the week rather than at the weekend so we could spend those days talking on the phone or online pretty much all day, she could walk to work and often came home at lunchtime just to call me. It paid well too, which has given her the opportunity to save far more than she orginally anticipated. She almost has all the money needed for her ticket. She has her passport application in, her new luggage is ordered. Realistically, she does not need a great deal more money to get her here in September. I know she wants to bring spending money - who wouldn't - but at the end of the day all I need is for her to be able to get on that plane. The rest is window dressing.

So, whilst a new position may bring it's own restrictions, we'll learn how to work around them. If all we can do is communicate mostly by email then that's what we'll do. We'll cope.

On a slightly different topic, I'm off to the hospital today - it's d-day and I'll find out whether or not I need surgery and how long I have left to cope with this plaster. Wish me luck.

DH is clearly still an issue - but I'll leave that for another day.

Today belongs to ~S~, and to keeping alive the dream of September.