Friday, February 03, 2006

early morning wandering


~ I woke up this morning and there wasn't a message from ~S~ on my phone. It made me sad.
~ I rushed downstairs to check my emails and there wasn't an email either. That made me more sad.
~ I immediately went to her blog and read that she was tired.
~ I understood the lack of messages then, but it didn't make me feel any better.
~ I now have a stupid lump in my throat from trying not to cry.
~ Perhaps I am tired too.
~ My foot hurts badly again. I think I am doing too much. It swelled last night. I know I am doing too much.
~ I've never needed someone so badly in any relationship before ever.
~ I don't know how to handle that neediness and it scares me.
~ I wish I didn't interpret a simple lack of message as something entirely different. I get mad at myself for that.
~ I dislike making sandwiches with coleslaw on at 6.30am.
~ Coleslaw smells unpleasant at 6.30am.
~ Someone in my blogroll has the most fantastic news and I am so so happy for them.
~ I miss someone else in my blogroll because they haven't been around for a long time.
~ Each day seems very long at the moment.
~ I am becoming a little reclusive and starting to avoid leaving the house. This is not good.
~ I dream about ~S~ every night. Last night I dreamt she was taking photographs of me as I was sleeping. I don't know how I knew this in my dream because I was asleep in it.
~ DH is being uncharacteristically civil right now. I think it is because I am playing by his rules.
~ It makes me nervous when he is civil. I'm waiting for something to happen.
~ I have absolutely no attraction to him whatsoever. Sexual or otherwise.
~ I don't think I will eat today.
~ My right ear has that feeling of 'being underwater'. I can't hear anything with it and it is very very unsettling.
~ I know I should get it syringed.
~ I'm avoiding ringing the Doctor in the same way that I am avoiding going out.
~ It is very cold here today. Minus something.
~ I need to talk to ~S~ but I am worried that she won't call me when she normally does.
~ There's an hour and ten minutes to go until call time. That seems like a long time right now.
~ I never loved anyone the way that I love her.
~ I was tagged over a week ago by someone and I still haven't done it. I'm sorry. I will do it, I promise.
~ Someone no longer comments on my blog even though they still visit. That makes me sad too. I think I have somehow offended them. I'm not saying who it is because I don't want them to feel they have to comment.
~ September seems like a very long way away.
~ My calendar ends in September. It's almost like I have no life beyond that.
~ I don't want her to go back after September but I can't see a way for her to stay.
~ I want to walk and dance and I'm very frustrated that I still can't.
~ I know I just have to be patient.
~ I'm not good at being patient.
~ I'm sorry for the lack of direction in this post.
~ I may delete this later. I may not.
~ What I really want most right now is to be lying in bed beside her, watching the day break over her skin.


Blogger TigerLilly said...

You sound so very sad DF
~After she calls you, Im sure you will feel much much better
~please eat alittle?...just a tiny bit

10:33 AM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

Yes do eat! *stern voice* and i'm sure S will call you - let us know okay? Oh and if she doesn't call i'm sure there is a perfectly good logical reason for it.

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


That's the best I can do from here...

1:17 PM  
Blogger Mermaid Girl said...

Wallow away darling girl...we all have to do it sometimes. Just remember we all love you and understand what you are going through :)

Love & Hugs

1:20 PM  
Blogger Lea said...

No, NO....don't delete it.
I liked reading it, all of it.

1:24 PM  
Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

one day at a time, one foot in front of the other?

1:24 PM  
Blogger d. said...

i hope that you feel better, your post was so sad. i am no stranger to those feelings, sometimes you have to fight so they don't get hold of you.

1:47 PM  
Blogger EE said...

I've felt exactly how you are feeling. The emotions you described I have gone through.

It's hard. *hugs*

2:09 PM  
Blogger Cinthia said...

I am going through the same thing as we speak, DF, so I can definitely relate. I find keeping busy helps a little. You're probably not hungry right now, but at least try to drink plenty of water. Icy cold water helps numb my pain.

3:46 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

I called. Twice.

5:56 PM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

*smiles* Yes she did. And in fact she woke up in a panic at one point thinking she hadn't called... *sighs happily*

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Edge said...

don't delete, such a piece of you

7:00 PM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...


8:18 PM  
Blogger Mavida Lesbiana said...

You did sound sad....glad she called.

I too can relate to alot of these feelings, I miss my angel girl so much. I used to get to talk to her several times a day - our schedules have changed, it's harder now. Being so far apart, the time we get to talk means so not to have that time, makes the distance so much more apparent.

love you girl!

Take Care!

P.S. Glad you didn't delete it..

9:50 PM  
Blogger Christa said...

Sounds like everything is back in order again :)

10:46 PM  
Blogger MsThang said...

"~ What I really want most right now is to be lying in bed beside her, watching the day break over her skin."

You don't understand how true that holds to me right now. I do somewhat ok if I keep myself reclused from the rest of the world, but that's not healthy either. I am so grateful for this love, but at the same time it's the hardest thing I have ever had to overcome.

If there is a way for it to work it will, be patient and let time work it's course.

1:08 AM  
Blogger jazzy said...

i kept trying to comment last night but blogger wasn't working. grrrr

just wanted to say that from what i've read of ~S~, she loves you dearly and you shouldn't worry! but at the same time, i can understand your fears. when we're completely wrapped up in love with someone, the smallest little things can make us worry.

1:53 AM  
Blogger Sis B said...

ah, df, i know those feelings well. even the situation, as you know about my affair before leaving my abusive partner. just keep moving when you get to that low point. don't let yourself become a recluse, i have to remind myself of that, too. depression can suck you in, don't let it take hold. thanks for your continued support, and i wish i could be here for you more. i think of you often.

2:12 AM  
Anonymous Cynthia said...

Don't delete this, your feelings are valid and you are entitled to them

8:58 PM  
Blogger pack of 2 said...

glad she called

6:27 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

The wanderings of an idle, yet over-active mind.
LOL! - Girl, you remind me of ME.

4:40 PM  

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