Thursday, February 23, 2006

the great unknown


I know it seems like I'm doing so well emotionally - everyone that knows has said so. But I'm quivering like a jelly inside.

For months I have felt as if I were cast adrift in a little rowing boat with no land in sight and only one oar. Now I sense that there is land on the horizon, a map has magically appeared but it's in a language I don't understand. Strong currents are pulling my little boat. I think it's the way I want to go but there's that inner voice that just niggles and asks me if I am sure. That's normal, yes?

Next week I call the estate agents and I call a few solicitors to find a preferably female solicitor with expertise in family law. I don't want to be unreasonable but I know that I could easily be walked all over so I need someone prepared to fight my corner. I spoke with my friend C on Tuesday night, she knows of a solicitor that fits the bill and is getting me her number. I'm impatient. I want to do it all today but at the same time I want to put it all off until another lifetime.

So much is still uncertain, so much of this jigsaw is still missing. My mum's reaction - and then my dad's. Funny though, I'm more bothered about my mum.

Then there's his reaction. What is he going to do, what is he going to say when I tell him it's over? When I map out the plans that I have made? Will he turn nasty or will he weep and beg for my forgiveness? I have no way of knowing how he will respond until we have that conversation. No matter how much I try to work through the multitude of scenarios in my mind I am sure he will still throw something completely unexpected at me.

He's been away since 6am Monday morning. We haven't spoken since a stilted, uncomfortable 4 minute conversation at 7pm on Monday night. Normally he calls every night - even if only to speak with the children. But sometimes he chooses not to call - I think it's a control game he plays because he knows that if he misses a night I will call him the next day to ask him why he didn't call and what is wrong. Recently when this has happened, his answer has been that he didn't want to talk to me.

He didn't call Tuesday night. Nor did he call last night. And nor did I call him. I didn't buy into his game this time. I was annoyed because eldest child is still sick and he hadn't the decency to enquire about them. But I didn't play the game this time. My phone was silent and unused.

Quelle surprise, he called me this morning at 9.30am. I ruined his game. Strangely he was civil and almost caring. He called me 'darling'. And he promised to call me at 9pm tonight. I've changed the rules and it's thrown him off balance.


Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

well good for you!!

Although you may feel a bit dislocated at the moment, every positive thing that you do is bound to reinforce the strength that you are feeling.

There are bound to be set backs, (sorry for stating the obvious), but you've already done the most difficult thing - which was to make the decision? He may rant and rave, who knows, but bullies are all bluster...

I can only speak for myself, but you seem to have done this for all of the best reasons, selflessly, and it has a feeling of "rightness" that we all recognise.

12:18 PM  
Blogger Numpty said...

About time the rules changed into your favour DF.. Good on ya..

I'll have drink tonight for you and the kids..

On a side note.. have you thought about changing the locks on your home, so HE can't come back?

12:32 PM  
Blogger EE said...

My insides would be rambled nerves regarding the upcoming conversation with your husband. I hope it goes very smoothly. *hugs*

It's amazing what changing the game can do. Throws them for a loop and usually has a positive outcome in your favor. (coming from experience)

1:51 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

Continue to keep him off balance. My bet is he'll turn nasty once you tell him your plans but I know you are prepared for that. Just prepare for the worst and if it's not as bad you'll be pleasantly surprised. We're pulling for you & the girls.

2:01 PM  
Blogger TigerLilly said...

thinking of you

4:33 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

You have enough going on in your head without his silly mind games. It's a power play thing, trying to keep control of you.

You're doing great DF, I realise the uncertainty of all that could happen is weighing heavily on you, but that is completely normal in this situation.

Be're well on the way to taking back the power and control in your life, I'm proud of you xx

5:46 PM  
Blogger Chelle said...

I am thinking about you. You have a LOT going on that I can only imagine! You are strong. You will make good decisions! :)

6:04 PM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

I echo everyone else. Its not that i'm lazy, it's that they're right.

Fish on a bicycle is especially correct when he says "bullies are all bluster". Prick 'em and they expire like a balloon.

You are also right. WHen you say: "I've changed the rules and it's thrown him off balance." Too fucking right you have, and all power to you.

The niggles will still be there, but they're only minions of Captain Paranoia. Ignore them. You are doing the right thing, the best thing, the only thing you should do.

And all power to you darling. Am here if and when, as well you know.

Love you lots.


6:54 PM  
Blogger Citizen Deux said...

You realize that your blog will be admitted in court? Your desire to avoid being "walked over" are likely to come unhinged in a court of law. I can't speak for the UK, but you have left a very public trail which is most likely to go hard against you in separation hearings.

I suggest you consult with your barrister as soon as possible about this.

It's likely too late.

I haven't read all your posts, but it strikes me that you are at risk.

How old are the children?

7:30 PM  
Blogger Sis B said...

you are absolutely correct, and what a wonderful and perfect description of how this feels (what with the boat and all).

no matter what he throws at you, keep your resolve. it's often the most difficult when they start acting nice again. don't fall for it, don't change your plan. stay steadfast and continue toward your goal. the doubts will always be there, (and it's good that they're there), but keep moving forward.

you're doing so beautifully and i know you're going to come through this just fine.

8:03 PM  
Blogger Angel Girl said...

Girl I am proud of you and constantly praying for your and your kids well being. You did great by keeping the power in your court!

9:53 PM  
Blogger natty68 said...

Honey only you know what you are doing is right, and what to do. It is your choice, even though we can offer our own advice.

Re citizen deux post about your blog possibly being used in a court of law, luckily it doesnt work like that over here in the UK. Been there hon, so already know. As I was told anything that is online as in blogs, forums etc.. can not be used in a court for whatever circumstances i.e. divorce, slander etc.. If you want to know any more ask, I had a solicitor case going through regarding some internet slander etc..


10:21 PM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

Natty, were you reading my panicky mind then? Thank you so so so much - I'll email you over the next few days xx

12:32 AM  
Blogger Citizen Deux said...

Check with your solicitor...I am not too sure natty is correct, better safe than sorry. Besides, you are already due to talk to one anyway, verdad?

3:53 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Changing the rules generally will throw a control freak off. I am glad you're not playing his game anymore! I hope everything works out well with your solicitor and that things can be straightened out with minimal stress.

1:54 PM  
Blogger natty68 said...

I know you so well Deadly..:) No seriously hon, we in the UK have totally different laws from the States, and it is a very "grey" area for us. But I will email you all this. Don't worry hon.

Hope you are doing well today hon :)


2:04 PM  
Blogger Citizen Deux said...

Worth a read...

Family Lore

PS - So sorry to hear about your friend's husband. Life often has an uncanny knack of sideswiping us.

3:26 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

Citizen, I believe someone who's dealt with this sort of thing knows what she's talking about. Why are you going on about it?

4:41 PM  
Blogger Citizen Deux said...

Just a rash of experience with friends and relatives involved in very similar circumstances, none of which worked out "well".

Forewarned is forearmed. From what I have read here, I am more than a little concerned for DF's personal safety...

I won't post about the topic any further, simply a case of making sure folks in a very emotional state don't forget to look out for themselves and their future...

6:24 PM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

CD - thank you for the link to the law site - it is informative and useful. I was just a little anxious as to why you would go to the trouble of finding that information, simply because I hadn't seen you comment on here before.

I am a little brittle and vulnerable right now - as you correctly identified - and I've also been attacked on here in the past by other new commentors. ~S~ was protecting me because she knows how upset I have been over the past few days, and because neither of us knew you as a commentor we didn't realise you were coming from a place of concern.

9:41 PM  
Blogger Citizen Deux said...

Stay well, I understand the need to be on guard here in the etherium.

I wish you and your children all the best, and good wishes to ~S~ for looking out for you.

You know where I can be found.

Peace to all.

12:44 AM  
Blogger Citizen Deux said...

PS - Thanks should go to the Rogue Show, that's how I stumbled in here.


12:45 AM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

Hope for the best from him but expect the worst.

I think you're doing wonderfully.


9:36 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

... just catchin' up w/ya.
I understand your nervousness, girl.

5:25 PM  

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