Thursday, February 09, 2006

high-maintenance

HIGH-MAINTENANCE

So ~S~ and I were talking briefly about this yesterday. It sparked a little curiousity in my hungry mind. What exactly would you define as high-maintenance?

I wouldn't like to think of myself as a high-maintenance woman, I really wouldn't. To me that conjures up images of women a la Carey and J-Lo, with diva like tendencies. Women that throw hissy fits and tantrums when they don't get their own way. Women that make ludicrous demands - whether those demands are for perfect toast or white lillies or one diamond for every week of the relationship.

Disclaimer : I'm not saying that Ms Carey or Ms Lopez are high-maintenance. I'm merely using them as examples given the press coverage their supposedly diva-like qualities have courted. They may well be the most self-depreciating, unassuming and low-maintenance women ever to have walked the earth. Having not had the pleasure of getting to know them in person I have no way of knowing for sure.

So. I really don't want to be high-maintenance but I suspect there are aspects of me which either are now, or could be dangerously close to being high-maintenance. Emotionally I think I am quite needy. Something that we women are warned against being because of it's sheer unattractiveness. I need to know that I am loved.

But I don't need the grand gesture. I don't need diamonds and roses. A simple whispered 'I love you' will do. Someone remembering my favourite chocolate bar and bringing it home unexpectedly. Someone running a bath for me and insisting I climb in and relax instead of tackling the ironing. Someone cooking dinner for me once in a blue moon, letting me occasionally watch the shows I want to watch on TV even when they don't want to watch them. An unexpected phone call in the middle of the day, just because. Simple things. Because they mean the most.

Someone that won't laugh at me when I cry at ads on the TV, someone that will bring home a weepy film and a box of tissues and will still tell me I look beautiful when my nose is red and my eyes are streaming 2 hours later.

Someone who will give me the freedom to be me, within the safety of their arms.

Does this make me high-maintenance? I don't know. It's not something I ever thought of before. I'm really interested to hear your opinions on this - men and women alike.

23 Comments:

Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

Food for thought. This isn't a man's point of view, just a 'me' point of view.

I've always thought that "high maintenance" is a relative term. Personally if I'm in a relationship (pfah) I NEED to know I'm loved, and I want to express it too. Casual is fine, but there needs always to be the bliss, just under the surface. I WANT to be with someone who needs to be reminded that they are loved. People who feel that way need to be with other people who feel the same, otherwise life will be a constant disappointment.

So if you use high maintenance as a negative term, then I would say it equals surprise. The surprise and confusion that comes from trying to fulfil the other's need for attention - and then still being subjected to a tantrum, or a sulk and having no idea or explanation of what triggered it.

I'm only guessing of course - but I'd say that you were a long, long way from being high-maintenance, you've survived on mere crumbs of comfort for far too long.

Listen to me go on...."here endeth today's lesson blah, blah"!!

11:30 AM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

Baby, whatever is said here, I hope it doesn't change who you are. I love you for all that you are and every little weepy bit of you.

I'll bring home as many weepy movies as you like, but you have to supply the tissues. *laughs*

I love you so so so much, babe.

12:25 PM  
Blogger Minerva said...

Not at all....It makes you human....

Minerva

12:35 PM  
Blogger Darla said...

You described me to a "t". I wouldn't consider us high-maintenance, we are just women. Being told "I love you" just isn't enough for me. I need the casual touch, the card every once in a while, weepy movies (love that), etc. If I don't get those things are start to think that something is wrong in the relationship. Good post!

1:35 PM  
Blogger Cy said...

Goodness no, that doesn't make you high maintenance.

Ask anyone who has actually dealt with someone who was high maintenance - what you've described is things that people do for/with people they love. And that they should want to do for them.

1:52 PM  
Blogger EE said...

Those things you listed do not make you hugh maintenace. They make you human. They make you a woman with needs...that we all have.

Most everything you listed are my needs and desires as well. :)

2:04 PM  
Blogger EE said...

And I can't spell, duh. Sorry, obviously it should say "high", not "hugh".

2:05 PM  
Anonymous firetiger said...

Well, as I refer to myself in my journal title as a high maintenance femme, I guess I'm supposed to have a go at answering this question lol. I'm also asking my lady, "what makes me high maintenance?"
For starters, when I enter a relationship, I like to have some kind of contact with partner, i.e. phone, text, email or meeting at least once every day. If I don't get that, I get stroppy because I think that the other person is playing it cool, and not making enough effort, and I hate that. A friend of mine is currently in a relationship, where her and her GF don't speak or see each other for days and sometimes weeks, and they live ten minutes from one another, now that, to me, is just out of the question!
Ok, according to my lady, I am bossy, and regularly give her instructions, like "putt the kettle on" etc. And on that note, I do expect to have a cup of tea made for me at least once a day. I also get annoyed if I think my partner isn't making an effort to keep the romance aspecdt alive - I'm not saying it's totally up to them, but they do have to play a part. I also refuse point blank to clean the bathroom, or take the bin out, so that's her job. According to my lady, I'm forever changing my clothes, and create too much washing, and always expect to find a clean top, (she does the washing, I do the ironing). It also takes me forever to get ready to go out, fussing with my hair, make up, change of outfit, "do I look fat?" etc etc, and I'll admit that sometimes I get so caught up in if I look right, I'll often make us late, and only notice what my partner is wearing when we're out the door. Ok, so far I sound selfish and lazy! I also don't like washing the sihes, and will use the dish washer as often as possible. I also have this thing about having to sit in the front of my girlfiiend's car, not the back, and I get really miffed if anyone else is in the front if I'm also in the care. I think that's teritorial though. I must sound really egotistical, but these are some of my bad points, and there are good ones too. And I'm stealing this reply for a journal post. xx

3:06 PM  
Blogger Aragorn said...

Of course it does not ! As I said on another blog some time ago “Why is it so difficult to be loved (and wanted) for who we are ?”. This is a hugely difficult question, I know. And yet, it is at the core of who we are as human beings. There are no easy answers ... Thanks for sharing ! - A
(visited through your comment on Evil Minx).

3:29 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

You don't sound high maintenance to me, just a normal woman who wants to be loved and enjoys being shown love. I, however am high maintenance and I know it. I try not be a high maintenance bitch and fail miserably sometimes. My poor husband but he knew it when he married me so.........

3:38 PM  
Blogger art said...

You don't appear to be high maintance to me. I consider high maintance someone who needs their nails done twice a week, facials at least once a week at the spa, needs the newest Gucci bags (even though they already have 15), someone who refuses to drive a car over two years old, won't work or clean, or....hey wait a min!! I'm discribing my x wife. lol happy hnt

3:43 PM  
Blogger Kami said...

You don't sound high maintenance to me! I think HM women (and men, for that matter) need to be surrounded by "yes" people, no matter what. I think that's what makes people HM. Know what I mean? Or people who ALWAYS have to be pleased, even when it comes to what pizza is to be ordered, like my friend's mom. Little stuff like that.

4:06 PM  
Blogger Numpty said...

We're all high maintenance, most of us though are quite happy with the way we are, so what if some us get haircuts once a week, or buy new clothes weekly, to me thats just a bit of indulgance, therapeutic if ya like

4:29 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

I am high maintenance.. I wan LOTS of attention.

5:02 PM  
Blogger pack of 2 said...

You're not high maintenance to me. You just want what we all want....for someone to make you feel special. That's all.

Angie

5:19 PM  
Blogger Cinthia said...

High-maintenance is all relative. It all depends on the person you're dating. Some person may find you loving, another may find you demanding. And clearly this will help you determine early on whether or not you're right for each other.

I think it's all about finding the right balance. Obviously if you expect phone calls at every hour of the day, that's excessive. But things like those you mention are small tokens of appreciation. They are in no way demanding nor excessive - although in my experience, a good number of those things just don't come naturally to some people so you kind of have to train them (if they really care for you, they'll make the effort to do them).

7:46 PM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

You are not high maintenance at all!! Unless I'm high maintenance too those are the same things I want. Little unexpected things that support all the verbal expressions of love.

I equate emotional high maintenance with being insecure. Someone who has to be told every five seconds of the day how much they're loved. Someone who is less than satisfied with similar examples of the gestures you mentioned. Someone who doesn't feel loved unless you shower them with material things.

Personally, I enjoy doing little things for my partner. To watch her eyes light up when she discovers I've already done the grocery shopping, etc. That thrills me to no end.

Okay, shutting up now.

9:23 PM  
Blogger Karin said...

Ok I am in a great relationship and my Man says I am low maintance and there was nothing you describe that I don't want and receive in my relationship. The key is that you don't want or expect these things all the time but occasional random acts of romance. It is normal to want to feel appreciated and acknowledge for the things you do. Really though the key is in the amount your partner is willing to go to maintain you. DH is not willing to do anything so the minimal request to him seems out of the question and too high for him to maintain. S on the other hand feels bad that she can not do more to maintain you, so therefore your requests to her make you appear low maintenance.

You know not only does Brad not laugh at me for crying at commercials he wipes my tears and cuddles me through them. So just wait when you are with S you will never feel like you are high maintenance, you will just enjoy maintaining each other, which is a perfect balance.

2:17 AM  
Blogger Chelle said...

I'm a simple chicky. I dont need jewelery (though hubby THINKS I do), I dont need lots of clothes or material things. I'm easy going and like you, I like the I love you's and the thoughtful gestures. THAT means far more to me than anything like jewelery or anything......well, with the exception of SHOES!! hehe Hey, we all have our vices!! LOL ;)

4:55 AM  
Anonymous JD's Rose said...

Hmmm, I'm going to think some more and come back. I do know from talking to you briefly that YOU are NOT high maintenance.

Back soon.

xxx

7:16 AM  
Blogger Miladysa said...

Nah! :)

5:24 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I agree with Pack of 2 up there...you're not high maintenance, you just want a loving fulfilling relationship that has both sides putting in the effort. HM people to me are those that put in very little effort if any at all, yet expect their partners to put in 100%. This can work in general relationships too, just with your friends. HM friendships seem to be a bit one sided to me, one party always making a lot more effort than the other.

I never thought I was HM myself, thought I was one of the 'go with the flow' kinda people, and for the most part I am. Given recent events in my life, I'm starting to wonder if I'm a lot more HM than I realised. Food for thought anyway.

9:00 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

I don't think what you listed is high maintenance, not AT ALL... but that's my personal opinion. EVERYBODY likes to receive validation that they're loved.... and you're right - the small things ARE the big things.
I just think you're human.

To me, high maintenance women are purely selfish, bitchy, whiny, childish... oh, I could go on & on.

You are none of those things, my dear.

4:55 PM  

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