i can see clearly now......

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW.....

....the rain has gone

I did a lot of crying yesterday.

I spoke with two wonderful friends.

B lives only a couple of miles away from me. I had spoken to her on Sunday night and she called me to check how I was. I told her my plans. She's behind me 110%. And she made me cry. I'm still getting my head around what she said to me - she said that I was such a lovely person and I deserved someone that would respect, cherish and love me. And that she knew how much I would blossom when I had that in my life.

J lives over 100 miles away from me. We have been friends since we were babies. We have the same photo in our bedrooms - a photo in which I was 9 months old and she was 2 years old, sat in my back garden. We're more like sisters than friends. Sometimes though we drift away from each others lives for a while and that had happened. It's always a temporary thing though - her absence in my life is like a missing limb. I had emailed her yesterday explaining what was happening. I thought she might find it hard to deal with as she and her husband have been good friends to both DH and I. I was worried she wouldn't understand.

She messaged me from work within seconds of me hitting the 'send' button on my email. She promised to call me when she had opportunity in the evening. So last night, at around 9.30pm, she called me. I took the phone up to bed and lay in bed while we talked. We talked until 12.30am. She too, understood, and she too made me cry with her kindness. It seems that she is another friend who has witnessed his attitude towards me - she told me that she saw years ago how badly he treated me. And she said that she almost had to restrain her husband from driving the 100 miles to come and get me there and then. She too said that I deserved more.

It humbles me to hear people saying that I deserve more. I find it hard to get my head around it and I suppose that is just one more way in which he has stripped away my sense of self.

I have one more close friend to talk to now - C. She knows some of what is happening. She came round on Saturday morning, very briefly, looked at my face and hugged me and told me to stay strong.

Then mum.

J knows my mum very very well. Our mums are mums to both of us, not just one of us. J was as adamant as she possibly could be that my mum would not want me or the children to be here a second longer than necessary. She made me promise to tell mum everything that is happening - not just that I want out of the marriage. Damn, she knows me too well and she knows how close I hold these things and how hard it is to actually tell people.

I made a couple more decisions yesterday, a couple more plans.

I told B that I was thinking of applying for some kind of job within a school- maybe initially as a mid-day supervisor. It won't pay lots but it will pay regularly. The hours mean I can and will still be there for the girls. And I won't have to worry about holiday childcare. It's a way in and once in a school environment there is scope for me moving across to maybe work as a classroom assistant. That's something I would be good at and I know it. Anyway, back to the point. It turns out that there is a vacant position as a mid-day supervisor at the school B's children attend. I can't make enquiries this week as it's the half-term break and school is closed but you can bet your life that I will be ringing first thing on Monday morning. And then I will be ringing every other school in the area to see if they have any vacancies.

I also made a decision that I am going to push for selling this house straight away. I know this was something I have always wanted to avoid but yesterday I sat and really thought. The bottom line, as some of you know, is that I have debts. I say 'I' because I was stupid enough to have these credit cards in my sole name, despite the fact that whatever has been spent on them has been for the benefit of the family. I know that there are ways that I could make arrangements with the companies (only two of them) for smaller repayments but I don't want these hanging over my head. Nor do I want to destroy my credit rating. So yesterday I did some research. There are two properties for sale on my road, both of which are easily comparable with this house. I took a mid-point of their sale prices (one of them is already sold) and I worked out that if we sold this place we could clear all our debts. Everything. Credit cards, mortgage, the lot. And we would both walk away with a substantial amount of money. A fresh start. As soon as the children go back to school next week I will be calling round the estate agents and getting them to do pre-sale valuations.

I won't be looking to buy a new property straight away - I won't be in a position to. So I plan to rent. I have a couple of potential irons in the fire there too, although its nothing I can talk about just yet in case I'm being pre-emptive.

So I have plans. Definite plans. Still one day, one step at a time but I actually feel like I am making those steps now instead of just standing still.