Tuesday, February 21, 2006

i can see clearly now......


....the rain has gone

I did a lot of crying yesterday.

I spoke with two wonderful friends.

B lives only a couple of miles away from me. I had spoken to her on Sunday night and she called me to check how I was. I told her my plans. She's behind me 110%. And she made me cry. I'm still getting my head around what she said to me - she said that I was such a lovely person and I deserved someone that would respect, cherish and love me. And that she knew how much I would blossom when I had that in my life.

J lives over 100 miles away from me. We have been friends since we were babies. We have the same photo in our bedrooms - a photo in which I was 9 months old and she was 2 years old, sat in my back garden. We're more like sisters than friends. Sometimes though we drift away from each others lives for a while and that had happened. It's always a temporary thing though - her absence in my life is like a missing limb. I had emailed her yesterday explaining what was happening. I thought she might find it hard to deal with as she and her husband have been good friends to both DH and I. I was worried she wouldn't understand.

She messaged me from work within seconds of me hitting the 'send' button on my email. She promised to call me when she had opportunity in the evening. So last night, at around 9.30pm, she called me. I took the phone up to bed and lay in bed while we talked. We talked until 12.30am. She too, understood, and she too made me cry with her kindness. It seems that she is another friend who has witnessed his attitude towards me - she told me that she saw years ago how badly he treated me. And she said that she almost had to restrain her husband from driving the 100 miles to come and get me there and then. She too said that I deserved more.

It humbles me to hear people saying that I deserve more. I find it hard to get my head around it and I suppose that is just one more way in which he has stripped away my sense of self.

I have one more close friend to talk to now - C. She knows some of what is happening. She came round on Saturday morning, very briefly, looked at my face and hugged me and told me to stay strong.

Then mum.

J knows my mum very very well. Our mums are mums to both of us, not just one of us. J was as adamant as she possibly could be that my mum would not want me or the children to be here a second longer than necessary. She made me promise to tell mum everything that is happening - not just that I want out of the marriage. Damn, she knows me too well and she knows how close I hold these things and how hard it is to actually tell people.

I made a couple more decisions yesterday, a couple more plans.

I told B that I was thinking of applying for some kind of job within a school- maybe initially as a mid-day supervisor. It won't pay lots but it will pay regularly. The hours mean I can and will still be there for the girls. And I won't have to worry about holiday childcare. It's a way in and once in a school environment there is scope for me moving across to maybe work as a classroom assistant. That's something I would be good at and I know it. Anyway, back to the point. It turns out that there is a vacant position as a mid-day supervisor at the school B's children attend. I can't make enquiries this week as it's the half-term break and school is closed but you can bet your life that I will be ringing first thing on Monday morning. And then I will be ringing every other school in the area to see if they have any vacancies.

I also made a decision that I am going to push for selling this house straight away. I know this was something I have always wanted to avoid but yesterday I sat and really thought. The bottom line, as some of you know, is that I have debts. I say 'I' because I was stupid enough to have these credit cards in my sole name, despite the fact that whatever has been spent on them has been for the benefit of the family. I know that there are ways that I could make arrangements with the companies (only two of them) for smaller repayments but I don't want these hanging over my head. Nor do I want to destroy my credit rating. So yesterday I did some research. There are two properties for sale on my road, both of which are easily comparable with this house. I took a mid-point of their sale prices (one of them is already sold) and I worked out that if we sold this place we could clear all our debts. Everything. Credit cards, mortgage, the lot. And we would both walk away with a substantial amount of money. A fresh start. As soon as the children go back to school next week I will be calling round the estate agents and getting them to do pre-sale valuations.

I won't be looking to buy a new property straight away - I won't be in a position to. So I plan to rent. I have a couple of potential irons in the fire there too, although its nothing I can talk about just yet in case I'm being pre-emptive.

So I have plans. Definite plans. Still one day, one step at a time but I actually feel like I am making those steps now instead of just standing still.


Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

that's great news! you've a whole life ahead of you and it sounds as if you can approach it with some optimism..

you're great and you can do all manner of "stuff" when you believe it

i hope it goes well with your mum, i'm sure it will

let us know if there's anything i can do, i can't imagine what, but if any occurs to you don't hesitate

10:50 AM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

Dearest DF,

I'm so proud of you. You are an excellent mother and a wonderful person. Draw strength from the support you have in the real world, and from all of us here.

And believe the people who have known you for years as well as us, you are a lovely person and you do deserve someone that will respect, cherish and love you.

And i have no doubt how much you will blossom when you have that in your life.

And i'll be here, as often as i can, whenever i can. For both you and ~S~. Giving you whatever support i can. With all my heart.


10:53 AM  
Blogger melodyann said...

Wow, DF, you are so brave and strong! I admire you, and envy you a bit too..........

11:18 AM  
Blogger Mermaid Girl said...

I too, am overwhelmingly proud of you.

I read your post, then had to read it again to absorb it all...you have made such incredible positive progress in such a short space of time!

Thinking of you all


1:17 PM  
Anonymous doctorlucy said...

I don't really have much to offer in the way of advice, but just wanted to lend some support, and congratulate you on your dedication, strength and courage! Hang in there, never give up, and things will work out for the best. -x-

1:46 PM  
Blogger Aine said...

I am just thrilled to read this, honey. The very best of luck to you. You know you can email me any time? Best wishes.

1:47 PM  
Blogger natty68 said...

*hugs* sweetie, I am so glad you are doing this. He has dragged you down for so long, now its time to fight back.


2:05 PM  
Blogger SassyFemme said...

DF, I'm so proud of you for being proactive! Wish I could reach through this computer and give you a big hug!!!

2:43 PM  
Blogger Lyle said...

For jobs in schools etc., look on your local council's website ( normally www.[council].gov.uk ) and look at the jobs there. They'll have all the school ones, as they deal with the education stuff, so it's a good place to look.

Also, of course, you can look at *other* councils, should you decide to move in the future.

As for debts, look into an IVA (Independent Voluntary Agreement) - it's the thing being advertised by these "no fee, pay nowt, and get out of debt in 60 months" organisations.

At worst, you get lessened payments, frozen interest, and you get to pay it all off in the end.

At best, you make the IVA, then sell the house and can pay it all off anyway. But having it in place means you don't have to worry if DH turns shitty about paying your half of the house money, for instance.

From what you've said and written, it's time to move - but it's also time to play it safe. You're going to be dealing with three lives here, and that's the important thing- you don't want to have to be counting on something that doesn't happen, or turns into a weapon to be used against you by DH. (the entire "you're not having this money unless you... " scenario)

2:44 PM  
Blogger Angel Girl said...

Wow girl I am so extatic and overwhelmingly proud of you! You are extraordinary and fabulous, and I have no doubt that you will walk out the other end of this a much stronger, livlier, fantastic woman from it.

Just remember you have a great support system of "real" friends and "blogger" friends who are all waiting with baited breath to help you along the way. Don't be too proud to ever lean on us if you need to.

4:09 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

One step at a time, sweetie one step at a time is all it takes.
Good news this morning. "S" got her passport and you are looking to spread your wings and fly away from your cage... Go girl!

4:31 PM  
Anonymous firetiger said...

you have your wonderful future in sight, and you're being positive, that's wonderful! It takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing, stick with it, and whenever you feel unsure, just think of the long term happiness and wellfare of both you and your girls. An aggressive man is not a positive role model for them to grow up with. Love and hugs xxx

4:56 PM  
Blogger bellascara said...

WOW! Good for you, all the best and stay strong.

9:32 PM  
Blogger Chardy May Cosmo said...

I'm so glad you are being so strong. This will work out and you will be so happy. Don't stay for the children's sake. Trust me, children would rather be in a happy environment with one parent than an unhappy one with two.

9:57 PM  
Anonymous Joy said...

Hi DF, I'm so proud of you, I admire your courage. Yes, one step at a time and you'll be on your way.

Good luck on the job hunting!

Hugs to you and your kids.

11:48 PM  
Blogger EE said...

Plans are good. I as well admire you.

:) *hugs*

12:44 AM  
Blogger FunkyB said...

Getting a job in the school system is a great idea. I did that early on when my kids were wee ones and it was wonderful.

Your plans are solid, and you seem like you're in a good place right now. Stay strong.

3:28 AM  
Blogger Sis B said...

You are doing SO well and I'm so proud of you! Great moves forward and definitely use this time that he is away to your advantage! I'm glad that you have friends and family to support you, and you will begin to believe that YES you do deserve better. Until then, just keep moving those feet in front of one another. I'm so encouraged by your strength here, it helps me be strong, too. Thank you!

3:37 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

oh hun, I'm so glad to read that you have these plans, you're mind is obviously working like crazy. You are sounding strong and sure of yourself.

You know what you need to do for the safety of yourself and your girls. This is all wonderful progress. Stay strong and know that not only do you have the wonderful support of your close friends over there, but that we are also here in the background rooting like crazy for you.

Am thinking of you xx

8:25 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

I'm so glad to hear you're surround by people you can trust and lean on.... because, girl... you DO deserve better. Believe it. Own it. Trust it. Embrace it.

You're on the right track, sweetie. Definite plans are in the works.... I can see those wheels a-turnin' from here.


5:18 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

I am so proud of you.

3:34 AM  

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