Monday, February 20, 2006

it's a calm morning

IT'S A CALM MORNING

He left at 6.00am for two weeks.

The relief is palpable.

I talked with eldest child a little last night - said that what happened was not their fault and that what he did was wrong. I have to be careful with this child - it is prone to attributing blame. I don't want this child to grow up thinking that if only it had done as it was told last night then mummy and daddy would still be together.

Last night might well have been the catalyst that swings me into action but it is certainly not the cause. I don't want either of the children to think, even for the briefest second, that it was the cause.

It's ironic that I was listening to your advice about divorce only 24 hours previously. There was some good and sound advice there - thank you for leaving your comments. They all made me really think.

I have an opportunity to talk with my parents at the weekend. They have no idea of how things have been. I need their support right now. I spoke to one friend last night, quietly, after it had happened. I'll speak with the other this week. It's time to call in the support that has been offered. It's time to stop pretending to them all that things are okay.

I don't want or plan to leave this house. The children need as much stability as possible and that means they stay here, with me, in their own house. I am standing firm on that for as long as I possibly can. He will have to leave. I'm open to the fact that we may have to leave here at some point but it's not my first course of action.

My first course of action is to stop protecting him by pretending everything is okay and to start protecting my children by letting people know that it's not okay.

I'm not looking forward to the conversation with my mum. I went over and over and over in my head what I will say to her and I realised that she has tolerated a similar relationship for 36 years. I love my dad and he has mellowed considerably as he has grown older but as I lay thinking about what I would say to her I started to remember some of the incidents that happened when I was a child and I started to recognise similar patterns. I don't want those patterns to exist in my children's relationships. I'm anxious that my mum won't support me in this - that she will just say this is what marriage is about and I just have to get on with it. I would rather have her support - I need her support - but if she can't give it then I am prepared to do this without her. Part of me feels ashamed of going to her and admitting that this marriage hasn't worked. I don't want her to be disappointed in me. I have to accept that she may be disappointed in me though.

My immediate plan now is to get a job. I don't care what it is. I'll clean toilets if I have to. I just need to have some regular income, no matter how small it is. The only real stipulation is that I still have to be able to take my children from school and pick them up at night, and that I don't want to have to employ childcare at any time. Ideally I want something that he doesn't have to know anything about. At least not yet. I have a couple of ideas that I am mulling over and a couple of phone calls to make today.

We are okay here this morning. The children have some friends here to play, I can hear them laughing upstairs playing some game about slimy seaweed. That's a nice sound.

I'm starting to realise that I don't need to find all the answers at once, nor do I need to do everything in one day. Just one day, one step at a time. I can see freedom on the horizon. It might be a little distant still but it is getting closer by the day.

24 Comments:

Anonymous firetiger0810 said...

hugs! big, big hugs!

11:08 AM  
Blogger SassyFemme said...

What about working in a school, in any capacity? You'd have pretty much the same hours as the kids.

Honestly, though, would going to daycare for awhile be any more harmful to your kids than what's going on now with their father? Probably not. So, if they had to go for a while, for the sake of being out of the current situation, then it'd be okay. Kids are very resiliant. They'd probably get their homework done, and play with some new friends for a little bit before you got to them. Once y'all got home, there wouldn't be any homework to get done (or argue about if that goes on now), you'd just enjoy your evening together.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

firetiger - Thanks. Hugs are really welcome right now xx

sassy - School work is what I am thinking of - a friend of mine has just taken on a role as a mid-day supervisor (dinnerlady!!) and says they are crying out for more - I'm looking into it, I've already left her a message this morning. I know it's not going to pay much but it is a start while I get myself going.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

I am so damn proud of you.

This line:
"Part of me feels ashamed of going to her and admitting that this marriage hasn't worked."

I understand that so much better than you might think.

But you qualify it by saying that you'll do it with or without her support. And once again, let me say, i am SO damn proud of you.

If there's anything i can do, let me know offline. I send you my warmest and most supportive hugs... you can do it, i have perfect faith in you.

All my love to you and ~S~

Minxy xxxxxxx

12:30 PM  
Blogger Mermaid Girl said...

I am so proud of you darling girl... you have looked the unknown straight in the eye and taken it by the balls.

Hurrah to the strength of females!

You are an amazing person and a very strong role model for your children. They will be proud to call you Mum you know :)

Love
Mermaid Girl

12:36 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

You should also see me standing on that horizon waiting for you, babe. I love you so much and I know you have the strength within you to do this. The Goddess is guiding you, just let Her.

xxx

2:17 PM  
Blogger Sis B said...

DF, I'm certain that there are places for abused women in your area. I would encourage you with fervor to go there and ask them to help you with your plan. You know that I have been there. There's no shame in it, and the women there know how to get you out, and get you out safely. It takes letting go of a lot of pride to go there, but in the end, it's best. i wish i had listened to the advice they gave me when I was first leaving OF, because they truly know their stuff. They probably also offer counselling and other support to help you through. They can tell you about laws so that you can be granted the house and things that you need. They'll tell you exactly how to handle it so that you come out safely, and with resources.

You're doing the right thing, and to echo those above me, I'm SO proud of you. I'm so glad you have ~S~'s love wrapped around you during this. It's long and difficult, but you can do it. I believe in you.

2:32 PM  
Blogger FunkyB said...

As strong women, we can tolerate a lot of abuse, emotionally and, unfortunately, physically.

But when the line is crossed and the abuse is visited upon our children, we find out how strong we really are.

It frightens me that he crossed that line. His need to control his daughter by humiliating her is bad enough. His rage in being denied is truly evil.

You will protect them. I know this. And you will do it as gracefully as you have in the past.

You are in my thoughts.

5:03 PM  
Blogger melodyann said...

I don't know what to say.......

If you need someone to talk to, I'm here....

Big hugs to you, sweetie.

6:16 PM  
Blogger art said...

Deadly,
You're doing right looking out for your kids not to mention yourself. Things will work out for you if you get things moving little by little. peace~art

7:05 PM  
Blogger Dustin said...

YOU HAVE 2 WEEKS LEAVE THE ASSHOLE!!!!! HE'S PROBALLY FUCKING AROUND ON YOU ANYHOW!!! YOU ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL A PERSON TO DO THIS TO YOURSELF. !!!!!!!!

7:27 PM  
Blogger crestfallendespairacy said...

Im so sorry you continue to go through this. I wish I could help you in anyway.

http://sempiternallypreternatural.blogspot.com/

7:29 PM  
Blogger Lea said...

As I read this, I understand all you are facing. Stay strong...for the kids, for you. It will work.
((((hugs)))

8:06 PM  
Blogger lecram sinun said...

Be strong, my friend. No one deserves abuse. My prayers and thoughts go with you. I agree... I think the time for action is now.

8:21 PM  
Blogger Aine said...

Goddess bless, DF.

9:26 PM  
Anonymous Joy said...

Hi DF, what I wanted to say, sisb said it all. Seek for help and know the laws that will aid and protect you and your kids.

You are right, move on one step at a time... put your immediate plan into action because it will really help you obtain your freedom. You can do it, yes you can!! Take care and be strong!

10:56 PM  
Blogger EE said...

(((you)))

I'm glad you have a game plan in the works.

11:59 PM  
Anonymous edge said...

stay strong df, we're in your corner all the way

2:09 AM  
Anonymous jd's rose said...

DF, you made me all teary with that post.

I am so glad that you are puting the wheels in motion. You are doing so well already. Time will demonstrate how truely strong and remarkable you and your children really are. Of this, I have no doubt.

You know where I am if you need anything.

xxx

5:24 AM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

I, like others, am so proud of you! Looks like you have quite the support team behind you!

Remember...
Never underestimate the power of a woman!!

You can do this, I believe in you.

Big hugs!

5:27 AM  
Blogger addict said...

You have a long journey ahead.
Putting one foot in front of the other, little steps, will get you to where you need to be...
You are so smart, too smart to not develop a plan that works for you.
We're all here for you, how ever we can be...
Enjoy the next two weeks!
(and your mom may just surprise you, you never know)

7:36 AM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

Allot of what you write is totally familiar to me and the feelings are so similar when I think back of the time of my divorce.

I am thinking of you.

Btw, my blog addy has changed.. please update ya link. Thanks!

http://www.freewebs.com/nocturalwenchy/wenchysblog.htm

9:38 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

I just gained some real insight into you, DF, w/this post.
.... and it's actually more to do with your Mother (tolerated a similar relationship for 36 years).

Break the cycle, sweetie.
Break it!

You're on the right path... and you have 2 weeks w/o his shadow over your shoulder to lay some groundwork.

You have us all here to lend whatever cyber-support we can, from the miles.

Know that we're all rooting for you. Hang in there! *hugs*

5:14 PM  
Blogger bellascara said...

smile

1:56 AM  

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