Friday, February 17, 2006



~S~ has gone to work at a different office this afternoon. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I don't know why I'm having such a difficult day today, I really don't. Well, maybe I do.

DH is having work issues - he is really hating his job at the moment and wants to leave. That's fine in principle but we have financial committments which he just doesn't seem to see. I feel like a class one bitch because I do see these committments.

I'm also really struggling to offer any emotional support to him - it's no secret to anyone that reads here regularly that my marriage is on life-support and not simply because I'm in love with ~S~. It was terminally ill long before ~S~ came along. But I think I've reached the limit now and marital euthanasia is looking like a sensible option.

I'm just terrified of switching the life support off.

Yes, I'm a coward. I should do the decent thing and administer a lethal dose of something so that both he and I can get on with our lives. I don't know how to do it.

If DH stays in his present job then likely things will limp along as they have been. But if he doesn't I need to get out. With my children.

But therein lies another problem. Everywhere I turn of late there's an article or an opinion on the effects of divorce on children. The negative effects. Stories of children never being able to forgive their parents, and carrying resentment into adulthood. What will I be doing to my children when I split up with their daddy? Will they ever forgive me? Will I destroy their lives? What a hellish responsibility.

I love my children to the ends of the earth and without this marriage I wouldn't have them. So I can't sit here and wish I had never married in the first place because that would be wishing them away.

It seems that whatever I do I am damned. Damned if I stay in an unhappy and sometimes abusive marriage. Damned if I leave and turn those little people's lives upside down.

I just want to sit and cry.


Blogger pack of 2 said...

another point of view is that many kids say they wish their parents would have divorced instead of staying together for them...the other lesson kids learn in these situations is how NOT to live in a marriage...staying out of obligation that is.

Sorry that you miss S~ so much...I can't imagine how hard that is for you both.



5:59 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Dear, I've been reading your blog off and on for some time now.

You need to stop being so dang dramatic. Buck up. Deal with the bad things that come your way and move along. Sure, you're in love with someone 4,000 miles away, but you have children that depend on you to be a parent. They need your love and support now. Not some woman mooning around like a high school kid, counting down the days until she she's her love. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. You owe them that.

Tough love over. Big hugs to you.

7:21 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

That was supposed to be "mooning around until she's with her love" gah...stupid fast fingers, and poor proofreading!

7:22 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

Shelly's right, it can also be bad to stay in a marriage that is not working for "the sake of the children". Especially if they witness him treat you like crap. You don't want them to think that is normal behavior for a married couple.

Now, my husband is a child of divorce. His parents divorced when he was a teenager. He was angry and upset of course, but he knows now that it was the best thing. He remembers having to pull his Dad off of his Mom in fights that they would have quite often.

He is also divorced himself...I am his second wife, and I've lasted at least 9 years longer than she did! His daughters were too young to remember both their parents being there, fortunately, and they are just fine now.

If the day comes that you decide to leave your husband, just make sure the kids understand it had nothing to do with them, and that you will always be there for them. They will adjust, kids are amazingly resilient!

Sending you a hug!

7:24 PM  
Blogger EE said...

I have had the same thoughts you have. I have mulled over whether I was a strong enough person to be w/o the person who has been my "everything" for so long, the life support you are talking about.

And honestly what you need to look at is *your* happiness. And yes, your children are very, very important. But if you are not emotionally ok, and you and your husband are not doing seems you and your children's lives might be better if you two weren't together.

Happiness is a horrible thing to miss out on. Over the past months I have learned that I have to make myself happy. You only have one life. And the last thing I personally want to do is look back and regret years of *unhappiness* that could have been prevented.

The decision to end a marriage is *horrendous*. Seriously, I know. But you have to look at things as a whole.

It's obvious you love your children, but you have to love yourself as well.


8:47 PM  
Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

my mother loathed my father, but they stayed together, "for the children" - i was a child, only a child, not a grotesques or a savant, but I knew!! their hatred for each other was almost palpable, we absorbed it, and that hate filled atmosphere has shaped every relationship in my life...

your love alone is enough for the children, your parents are the people who nurture you, not the ones who only lay together

if you truly believe that the love you feel for S is good, wholesome, beautiful, then you have to take that step of faith and believe that it is a loving environment for your children too..the real you, the best mother that you can be is a fulfilled, happy you, and what a joy filled full-of-love home that could be?

i'll shut up and get my coat...

8:53 PM  
Blogger Sealed Lips said...

Your feelings are very normal. I hope you find a way through this tough time.


9:45 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

As you know, I've done the divorce thing and I have to tell you I think I did my kids a favour.

PS. Your feelings are very normal btw.

9:46 PM  
Blogger Sally W said...

If the universe did start with a bang - when God loved and the angels sang - one of the sparks that flew - chased time to become you :) xaNax

10:27 PM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

Darling... i know how you feel.. but you have real reasons to get out and you WILL be doing your kids a favour.

Fuck the magazine articles. They aren't about you.

All power to you honey, love you lots and will always be by your (and S's) side whatever.

Minxy xxxx

11:08 PM  
Blogger moonwhispers said...

i was one of those kids whose parents stayed together for the kids. we knew they couldnt live with each wasnt pretty. on the other hand my kids still give me crap for my decision to leave their dad

you have to do "the best you can with the information you have at the moment" and when you are ready to do that, you will.

big hugs

11:13 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I thought long and hard about leaving my husband because of the children. But I'm glad I can't stay together because of the can cause more tension which of course they feel anyway.

When we split up it was like the tension left the house...the boys and I were more relaxed about everything, even though we were still dealing with such an emotional upheaval.

I asked Cameron the other week whether he would have liked me and his Dad to stay together...his answer "This might sound horrible Mum, but no. With what I know now, I'm glad the two of you are no longer together."

Eventually they understand I think.

I hope everything turns out the way you want it have some very REAL reasons for ending your marriage, whether ~S~ was involved or not. In my opinion, the bottom line is you are so unhappy there, and that can't be good for your kiddies.


12:08 AM  
Blogger Sally W said...

If the universe did start with a bang - when God loved and the angels sang - one of the sparks that flew - chased time to become you :) xaNax

12:57 AM  
Blogger Sally W said...

If the universe did start with a bang - when God loved and the angels sang - one of the sparks that flew - chased time to become you :) xaNax

1:37 AM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

The bottom line in any of this is nothing we are doing is done without careful consideration of the children involved. Full stop. I adore these children as if they were my own. I've even approached the subject with DF about my own fears of what they will go through when their friends find out they suddenly have two Mums. It's not something that will be easy for them, but I will love and support them always. DF's focus for today is always on the children; her focus for the future is on us. Us as a couple and us as a family. That's the way it has been since day one.

We are handling this the best way we know how. There have been things that DF has told me that make me think the children will be fine in the end, but the steps have to be taken on her terms. Not mine. Not anyone else's.

I love her more than I've ever loved anyone and I hope that she will have your continued support and love and not criticism.


2:15 AM  
Blogger Aine said...

I agree with Shelly, and the others who've said the same. Sorry sweetheart, my post last week about divorce can't have been helpful.

For all I'm resentful of my Dad, it is actually him I resent for his poor parenting, not the divorce itself, which was the best thing that could have happened. My parents were deeply unhappy together, and it was wonderful to see my Mum come out of her shell after he was gone. I only wish my Dad had put as much thought and care into how it affected his children as you and S clearly do.

And I was deeply unhappy with The Sod. Splitting up with him is one of the best things I ever did.

Honey, don't stay with him if you're both so unhappy. The kids will know. Me and my brother grew up in an atmosphere of silent misery. And I repeated the pattern with The Sod, because that's all I knew of marriage.

Life's short. You deserve to be happy.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

That's an excellent point, woman. If a couple stay together and are miserable, the children will see it and repeat their parent's mistakes because that's how they think it should be.


12:36 PM  
Blogger CycleGuy said...

I agree with what ~S~ just said.
And what about all the abuse you spoke of a while back?
You know what you must do DF, and you are strong enough to do it. You have ~S~. Not many people have someone like that. You also have a number of people here that care for you, myself included.
You can do this.

1:10 PM  
Blogger MagickRat said...

I'm no good with wise words or helpful advice I'm afraid...would a hug be of any use?


Ratty x

2:08 PM  
Blogger Aine said...

DF...I have just sat and read your entire blog. All of it. Wow.

I'd like to reinforce my earlier comment here. Go. Go, go, go.

I'm also vaugely amused by the idea that it's quite possible I may have spoken to you on Children of Artemis. :) Are you a member there? Just curious.

I wish nothing but the best for you, S, and your children.

3:43 PM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

I know I have absolutely no place to give advice…but I can tell you from my own experience what worked for me. Now, I do not have kids, so this is quite different. When my partner and I separated for three years, I dated a woman who I did love…very much. It came to the point where I was so unhappy, it just wasn’t healthy. I was depressed all the time. It wasn’t her fault, it was just that we weren’t meant to be together. We were on life support for most of the relationship. She wasn’t my ‘best friend’.

With my partner now, she’s my ‘best friend’. It’s so important to stay with someone for reasons of love, friendship and companionship. Those three things are the most crucial ingredients for a healthy relationship and/or marriage.

From an outsider looking into situations such as yours, I have seen my friends go through divorces and still have a terrific relationship with their kids. You need to make “you” happy. If you’re not happy----how can you make everyone else happy? You have to start thinking about yourself, and how you want your life to be. You seem to be a very thoughtful person---who thinks of others before herself—which is a great quality, but remember, you can’t go on pleasing other people. It has to be a give & take.

With that being said, do you think your husband is happy? What do you feel in your heart? If you left him, where would you go and what would you do? Would you and ~S~ be together? Would you stay single for a while? You have to ask yourself some soul searching questions.

I hope you’re okay. I know this is the most difficult thing to go through, but remember, “you” have to take care of “you”---which is the most important thing here.


Things have a way of working themselves out. Have faith!

6:54 PM  
Blogger Professor Fate said...

Studies use divorce because it is a tangible marker. Their have been subject "hindsight" studies that have said that children are just as harmed by "staying together for the children" as they are by a divorce. There are several studies that show children of abusers grow up to abuse or be abused. [You can find a study that will support just about any position you'd like to take.]

My $0.02: If he is physical or emotionally abusive, pack your bags and leave (with the children). Get yourself legally disassociated from him. Then work on being happy.

I think children should have happy parent (happy parents are better, but one happy is better than none happy). I think you are imprinting upon them the style of their adult relationships. Would you want your daughters in you place? Would you want you son to be in your husbands?

Just one man's opinion.

8:16 PM  
Blogger Mermaid Girl said...

Children are very resilient you know...and you are already a fabulous mother by having their best interests at heart.

Perhaps two happier separated parents would be a stronger and more positive environment for them that two unhappy people trapped in a marriage that is going nowhere?

Just a thought :)

Love & Hugs

12:25 AM  
Anonymous JD's Rose said...

My parents spent years together for the good of their children. They were a terrible couple. Now that they are apart they are the best of friends. It is the best thing that they ever did for their kids.

Moral of the story = sometimes the kids are better off when their parents are apart.

Love to you.

1:55 AM  
Blogger FunkyB said...

Well, I don't want you to cry. I really don't.

Each child will handle the bumps of life differently. I had the same concerns before ultimately leaving my ex. It's never easy, but you're bright enough to find your way, sweetie. I just know it.

5:39 AM  
Blogger addict said...

When in doubt, figure out what is best for you...
What is the best for you is rarely going to hurt your children.
The catch is: What is 'best' isn't necessarily what is easy.
I am all for intact families, but I was divorced for many years before I remarried, my kids would tell you that they prefered one happy parent over two unhappy ones... the damage comes when one of the parents is not involved with the kids or when the parents cannot get along afterwards and run each other down, or when the kids are used as tools to hurt each other...
Healthy parents raise healthy children, weather the parents live together or not.

But you already knew all of that somewhere down deep inside.

7:29 AM  
Blogger Sis B said...

i'm not reading the rest of the comments, so if i repeat anybody, i'm sorry.

you ARE in an abusive relationship. the things you have described in the past are unquestioningly abuse. your daughters do not need to learn that this is the way they should be treated. you can talk all day long about how a man is supposed to treat them, but what they learn is what they see. do you want them to learn that it's ok to be treated the way you are being treated? (i'm sorry but i can't remember if you just have daughters or if you have a son as well) if you have a son, do you want him to learn to treat women the way DH treats you?

leaving abuse is not the same as getting a divorce because the couple is bored. do not read the articles about that kind of divorce, they don't apply to you. start reading articles about abuse, about the effects of abuse on children.

if you leave him, know that you are leaving him for yourself, for your children, not for ~S~. i know you love her and plan to be with her, but it is of the utmost importance not to confuse the two. you know i have firsthand experience in this, too.

this is a long, horrible, difficult road that will take courage and commitment. you can do this--you have friends there, and you have friends here, you have ~S~, loving you and cheering you on. there is light on the other side. there is a better day--for yourself, for your children.

know this. believe it. strive for it.

you know i know what you're going through. email me. i'm here for you, i'll give you my number if you like. you can do this. i know you have it in you.

3:25 PM  
Blogger song said...


someone is always going to put you down and make your choice seem like the wrong one, so you might as well try as best as you can to make yourself happy.

My parents split up after me and my brother had moved out. they hated each other. All I think now is how much easier it would have been if mum and sarah had moved out together when they first met, rather than having to wait for years in case me and my brother got all complexy about it. We did, but in the long run, it's not our decision and i much prefer my mum being happy than not.

2:24 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Aw, sweetie... I feel your pain from across the ocean.


5:08 PM  

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