Wednesday, February 22, 2006

sleeplessness

SLEEPLESSNESS

It'll be no surprise to learn that I'm not sleeping.

Monday night the eldest child was sick and I was awake with it until around 2.00am. Then I just couldn''t settle - a combination of anxiety at having a sick child and anxiety because of all the decisions I had just made. Eventually I fell asleep but I know I watched the clock tick past 5.30am before I gave in. Youngest child woke me at 7.00am.

I got through yesterday just fine - there was so much nervous energy kicking around my system, I was more than a little bit hyper. I had a good day yesterday - I applied for a job. Thank you to Lyle who left me a comment pointing the way to find my local authority's website. I found the site and they had exactly the job I was looking for, top of the page. Relief lunchtime catering assistant. I know three women now that do this and all of them have said that they have work every single day that they want it. There are pros and cons but being relief rather than permanent staff gives me the option to turn them down on any given day if I have a client from my trained job lined up. I still have a couple of clients that I am seeing semi-regularly and I will continue to take on new clients. Being relief staff gives me the chance to work both alongside each other for a period of time. It might not work out, hell, I might not even get the damn job - from the application form you would have thought I was applying to be Prime Minister! Anyway, my application went in online yesterday (their preferred application method) and if I haven't heard anything in 4 weeks then I haven't been successful. Fingers crossed for me please.

Then last night beckoned and predicably I was shattered - I hadn't even been able to take a cat-nap during the day. I tried to sleep at 10pm without any joy. I knew instantly there was no way I could sleep. So I got up and watched an old episode of CSI: Miami (it made me cry - some of those episodes are so sad) and ate a slice of freshly baked banana bread. That's something else - I'm manic around the house - I was baking banana bread and chocolate buns at 8pm last night and planning on repainting the kitchen before the estate agents come in. Anyway, I headed off to bed again just after 11pm and fell asleep pretty quickly.

It was shortlived though and I was awake at 3am. My mind was just racing. Trying to work out how much my monthly costs will be, how much will I earn from a new job, how much will he give me for the childrens' upkeep. Adding up figures in my head until I was dizzy. I watched the hours turn, listened to the boiler crank up for hot water at 5am, then the central heating kicking in at 5.30am. At 6am I got up and took a shower, then slipped back in bed only to be joined by a restless youngest child who wanted to talk about wobbly teeth (they haven't got any, they want one and it isn't fair....).

Eldest child got up at 7.30am and they both came downstairs while I fell back to sleep for maybe half an hour before resigning myself to the day.

Consequently, today I'm headachey and generally feeling below par. But I have to buy youngest child some new school shoes and so it's time for my first drive in almost 3 months. I have to go to the library, shoe shop, supermarket and post office - in that order. I'm a little nervous about driving but it has to be done and today is the day.

Some of that bounding positivity of the last couple of days has seeped away and the fear is starting to niggle. But that's natural, right?

26 Comments:

Blogger natty68 said...

Make sure you take it carefully driving for the first time hon. You might find yourself a bit rusty on your ankle, and it might hurt afterwards so rest up when finished.

I will get an email to you soon hon :)

10:50 AM  
Anonymous firetiger said...

hey, of course it's natural, but keep fighting the fear with positive thoughts and you'll be fine. Sorry to hear about the lack of sleep, good luck with the drive! xx

1:08 PM  
Blogger straighttalker05 said...

Tis nasty not to sleep if you want to. Ever tried 'power napping' - never works for me, but you never know.

1:10 PM  
Blogger thordora said...

I wish I could do more.

**HUGS**

1:20 PM  
Blogger SassyFemme said...

You're right that the fear is natural. It's fear of the unknown which we all have. It WILL all work out for you, I'm sure of that. As far as your fears/worries of how much $$$ you'll get for the kids support, is that governed by your court system there? When Jen was younger we had consulted a lawyer when she wanted us to have full custoday of her, and we were told that it would be a certain percentage, no wiggle room allowed by her father, it was a law. Have you talked to an atty. yet?

1:37 PM  
Blogger moonwhispers said...

its all normal, natural, expected. the fears and doubts that you have had before will all come home to roost. when your fears come back to haunt you, when your questioning comes back the strongest, go back and read your postings here. read them as if they were written by someone other than yourself. know that you made decisions that were good and right for you and your children. call those friends again who told you they knew all along and worried, ask them to be support when you falter. what you have chosen to do is a big thing.....and you have had lots of years of having your spirit broken, so you will need all of the support you can keep around you. its a good thing to have people around to support and remind you...these people really care about you. do not count on anything from him except the trouble he will cause, then anything good he does will be bonus and anything more that is unconsionable will be expected. keep talking about the feelings, it is the only way not to become mired in them, and fear internalized only begets more fear.

What you are doing is good and right for you and your children. remember that and keep that primary in your mind and heart.

BIG HUGS [[[[[[[DF]]]]]]]

2:06 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

You are doing the right thing and fear & hesitation is natural. You have so many people pulling for you DF and you've gotten some excellent advice as well. I am sending positive thoughts and crossing fingers,eyes,toes hell my legs that you get that relief lunchtime catering asst. job

3:40 PM  
Blogger TigerLilly said...

Good luck with the job. Sounds perfect for you

4:05 PM  
Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

first and foremost good luck with the job...

and I'm not surprised there's a lot revolving around your ind at the moment. I sympathise, really, ever since I wrote about it the other week I've been surviving on about 3 hours a night, and you feel spaced out after a while - and you have the children, I only have the dogs to worry about.

It will pass though, you know it will.

4:50 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

*fingers super-crossed* for ya, on the job front.

Fears are natural. It's ok. Stick to your guns.

I have absolutely NO advice or words to offer for the insomnia, tho... as I suffer from that, too. Big time.
Sometimes a restless mind just doesn't know HOW to rest. *shrug*

But, I'm thinking of you & sending you much luv & *hugs*.

Sorry it's taken me sooooooooooo long to get over here to visit you & get updated w/you, sweetie.
You need all the luv & support you can get, and even though I haven't been here on a daily basis, I've been thinking about you.

*hands you a fresh mug of hot water*
Maybe that will help a lil bit? xo

5:22 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

The headaches must be making the rounds. You, me, Fishy, yikes. Did you see my house on CSI: Miami? :) I hope the driving went well. It's been a week since the post, so I hope you're doing well over there!

5:24 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Of course I meant a day. A day! Not a week. This headache needs to go away toute de suite.

5:26 PM  
Blogger Sis B said...

you're doing so great! i think we're leading parallel lives right now, in fact. i just wrote about lack of sleep two days ago, and then yesterday the panic was seeping back in. i've found that writing helps--make lists of all those things you need to do, so you don't have to think about them anymore. when you lay down, try to focus on one thing. one thing that makes you happy--i think of LWP, so you could probably think of S--and concentrate fully on it. Whenever the other stuff creeps in (and it will), tell it NO and that you don't have time for it right now. You will worry about it tomorrow. Then go back to envisioning S, your impending meeting, your love, anything that makes you happy.

I'm so proud of you for the application and for having your plan together! Keep up the good work, and of course the fear creeping in is natural. You've read about my bouts with it. They're ugly, but don't succomb. You're strong and you can do this.

I'm thinking of you...

5:37 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

It will all feel so surreal to you at the moment. I know when I had made the decision to leave my husband, I wanted it to happen in a hurry and everything to settle quick smart. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, you have to go through the processes...but the end result will be well worth it.

All the very best on the job front. I've got my fingers crossed big time for you!

6:15 PM  
Blogger MagickRat said...

Best of luck hun, fingers and paws crossed over here xx.

7:13 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

Perfectly natural. Nervous tension.... fear mixed with excitement at the prospect of a new life.

You are gonna do great.

8:35 PM  
Blogger addict said...

If there was no fear or apprehension, I'd be seriously worried about you...
Hug.

10:20 PM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

Good luck with getting this job! Sending positive thoughts your way!

I also hope you feel better...less stress and more innter peace.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

10:38 PM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

The job sounds like a good fit for you. Good luck!

{{{{DF}}}}

12:34 AM  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

*fingers crossed*
:o)

12:47 AM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Every flexible body part is crossed.

xxx

3:36 AM  
Blogger FunkyB said...

It is natural, I assure you. They don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing.

Still sending you good wishes.

3:40 AM  
Blogger Minerva said...

Wow...
What a change since the last time i visited..You sound so strong, so full of plans and energy - The transformation is incredible...

Don't ever forget my offer...

Minerva

4:11 AM  
Blogger Lyle said...

Glad the advice came up trumps!

1:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

from: Toni's old boy-toy,

Hi there Deadly Female, I see that you are a 35 year old virgo in the U.K. I am a 39 year old male in the USA. I am a blond haired blue eyed 6 foot man, that has beee told many times that women find very attractive. I have a 10 year old girl thats the love of my life, and would like nothing more then to find a women that i could love as uncondisnaly as i do her. After reading many of your post and some of your posted comments there are a few things that from a dominate male point of view really stand out. all the cooking and house work that you do, (I trully do not mean you any disrepect but only to give you the real truth from a male side in hopes of helping you to understand why things got to this point) does not mean shit in how most men think. the sick kid and him calling not calling has nothing to do with his love for your childern and eveything to do with how he feels about you and what you two are going thought. your blog, your S, your constant cooking, your nevering need to avoid confranttated him, and most importantly your lack of any real cummunacation with him. don't even get me started on the daily grow number of secrets about just about everything in your life from the blog to S to......... Now understand this next statement is nothing more then how men really thing and that is just as import as how women thiink. But what do you look like, and the one thing all men find attractive, self-confidence truthful bossy bitches that tell them just how they like it. And I mean about eveything not just sex. there must be 30 or 40 women on just this blog giving you advice and support and lets not forget stroking your ego every day, but you are loseing sleep over worring about this or that or the other thing, try telling the kids mommy needs a nap then I don't know mabey like taking one so you can funtion. There is no one that is ever going to support me or your husband or any man for that matter like you get every single day from 30 or 40 people. Try it from his shoes for 2 mins..... here is go's

Fuck dud stop your fucking wining and crying over the shit with your ex. Suck it up dud be a man. Hey your my best friend and all but shit happens so get over it, pull some OT at work or hell lets hit the gym a couple of times this week so you can work thought this shit, but i don't want to hear anymore about the ex or how fuck it is ok.......


Welcome to man world that is what your husband the asshole is going to get as his total support from all the people in his life friends, family, work, trust me its true been there done that, both sides best friend and crying guy. and thats all he is going to get when you drop the news to him about you leaving.

I hope this helps you and any other women to understand men a little better.




Hear is what i have learnd in almost 40 years!!!!

Behind every good man is a better women

Men need women, but women don't need men

Men need to feel needed, women need men to listen and not always try to fix there problems.

Men talk for only two reasons, To get information or to give it.

The one and only person a man will ever have to open up to and let see behind the curtin is there wife there friend there everything.

In man world there is only win/ or lose but in women world there is a win/win thing that men are unawere of.

and last but not least.....

A man goo's from his mother to his girlfriend to his wife.

11:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

from: Toni's old boy-toy,

Hi there Deadly Female, I see that you are a 35 year old virgo in the U.K. I am a 39 year old male in the USA. I am a blond haired blue eyed 6 foot man, that has beee told many times that women find very attractive. I have a 10 year old girl thats the love of my life, and would like nothing more then to find a women that i could love as uncondisnaly as i do her. After reading many of your post and some of your posted comments there are a few things that from a dominate male point of view really stand out. all the cooking and house work that you do, (I trully do not mean you any disrepect but only to give you the real truth from a male side in hopes of helping you to understand why things got to this point) does not mean shit in how most men think. the sick kid and him calling not calling has nothing to do with his love for your childern and eveything to do with how he feels about you and what you two are going thought. your blog, your S, your constant cooking, your nevering need to avoid confranttated him, and most importantly your lack of any real cummunacation with him. don't even get me started on the daily grow number of secrets about just about everything in your life from the blog to S to......... Now understand this next statement is nothing more then how men really thing and that is just as import as how women thiink. But what do you look like, and the one thing all men find attractive, self-confidence truthful bossy bitches that tell them just how they like it. And I mean about eveything not just sex. there must be 30 or 40 women on just this blog giving you advice and support and lets not forget stroking your ego every day, but you are loseing sleep over worring about this or that or the other thing, try telling the kids mommy needs a nap then I don't know mabey like taking one so you can funtion. There is no one that is ever going to support me or your husband or any man for that matter like you get every single day from 30 or 40 people. Try it from his shoes for 2 mins..... here is go's

Fuck dud stop your fucking wining and crying over the shit with your ex. Suck it up dud be a man. Hey your my best friend and all but shit happens so get over it, pull some OT at work or hell lets hit the gym a couple of times this week so you can work thought this shit, but i don't want to hear anymore about the ex or how fuck it is ok.......


Welcome to man world that is what your husband the asshole is going to get as his total support from all the people in his life friends, family, work, trust me its true been there done that, both sides best friend and crying guy. and thats all he is going to get when you drop the news to him about you leaving.

I hope this helps you and any other women to understand men a little better.




Hear is what i have learnd in almost 40 years!!!!

Behind every good man is a better women

Men need women, but women don't need men

Men need to feel needed, women need men to listen and not always try to fix there problems.

Men talk for only two reasons, To get information or to give it.

The one and only person a man will ever have to open up to and let see behind the curtin is there wife there friend there everything.

In man world there is only win/ or lose but in women world there is a win/win thing that men are unawere of.

and last but not least.....

A man goo's from his mother to his girlfriend to his wife.

11:41 AM  

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