and tonight's game is.....
AND TONIGHT'S GAME IS.....
He left to go to work at 6am yesterday. Without saying goodbye. That's fine, I can handle that.
He didn't call last night - not even to speak with his children. That's not fine. It's not fair. I don't want to speak with him but his children deserve better.
So I decided that I wouldn't be drawn into his games again and I didn't call him today.
8.20pm tonight and the phone rings. It's him.
His first question is to ask if I have dyed his jeans in the wash. No I haven't. But he maintains that they look different. I maintain that I haven't done anything to them. He eventually backs down and says maybe they were that way when he bought them.
Then he proceeds to tell me what top he is wearing and that he looks good. So good in fact that the barmaid was giving him the eye. I'm disinterested - I think he wants me to react with jealousy, a reminder that he is a married man. I might have reacted that way a long time ago. But not now. So I just laugh.
After telling me about his day he then says he will 'love me and leave me'. Now that's a common enough expression in this country, something I say quite often to friends and family. He makes a point of repeating it several times. I'm not quite sure how he wants me to respond but clearly I am not playing the way he thought I would. So he retorts that he only said 'love' to keep me sweet and that he didn't mean it. I just say okay.
He says he will call in a 'few days' when he has something to say to me. Fine.
I'm not sure if I will be able to keep this up for the next 7 weeks. It helps that he is away so much, otherwise I am certain one of us would have brought it to a head by now. I know it makes no sense to any of you reading this that I am waiting another 7 weeks to end this. Believe me, there is a very very very valid reason for me doing so. It involves the children and their wellbeing. Yes I know they are suffering being in such an unstable environment but when he is away - as he is now - it is calm and happy. 7 weeks. I've put up with this for at least 2 years. 7 more weeks won't kill me.
He left to go to work at 6am yesterday. Without saying goodbye. That's fine, I can handle that.
He didn't call last night - not even to speak with his children. That's not fine. It's not fair. I don't want to speak with him but his children deserve better.
So I decided that I wouldn't be drawn into his games again and I didn't call him today.
8.20pm tonight and the phone rings. It's him.
His first question is to ask if I have dyed his jeans in the wash. No I haven't. But he maintains that they look different. I maintain that I haven't done anything to them. He eventually backs down and says maybe they were that way when he bought them.
Then he proceeds to tell me what top he is wearing and that he looks good. So good in fact that the barmaid was giving him the eye. I'm disinterested - I think he wants me to react with jealousy, a reminder that he is a married man. I might have reacted that way a long time ago. But not now. So I just laugh.
After telling me about his day he then says he will 'love me and leave me'. Now that's a common enough expression in this country, something I say quite often to friends and family. He makes a point of repeating it several times. I'm not quite sure how he wants me to respond but clearly I am not playing the way he thought I would. So he retorts that he only said 'love' to keep me sweet and that he didn't mean it. I just say okay.
He says he will call in a 'few days' when he has something to say to me. Fine.
I'm not sure if I will be able to keep this up for the next 7 weeks. It helps that he is away so much, otherwise I am certain one of us would have brought it to a head by now. I know it makes no sense to any of you reading this that I am waiting another 7 weeks to end this. Believe me, there is a very very very valid reason for me doing so. It involves the children and their wellbeing. Yes I know they are suffering being in such an unstable environment but when he is away - as he is now - it is calm and happy. 7 weeks. I've put up with this for at least 2 years. 7 more weeks won't kill me.
posted by Deadly Female at 8:44 PM
37 Comments:
Baby I really don't think he would want to end this game of his own accord. The only way it is going to end is by you to not only quit playing, but by not even showing up to play.
And as for the barmaid, well I told you what you should've said to that.
I love you my sweet angel.
xxx
i agree with s
x
do what is right for you and your children, but make sure that they are really safe.....that is the only thing that is important....your safety. money does not matter, nothing matters if you are not all safe.
i have to tell you, not giving any reaction to the whole barmaid line of communication was probably the most annoying to him......he did it to get a response.
good on ya hon!
Your sweet S has some valid points. I will be praying for you.
Hang in there lovely
Ratty xx
Why does he still expect you to dye his jeans.........unless you offered or are still doing 'wifely' things for him---(not sexually) I mean, regular crap.
I think if you cut out the other things -- maybe he would respect that more? I'm not sure.
I just wish you happiness.......
deb... she didn't dye his jeans. He was accusing her of doing it because they didn't look right to him as he finally realised that they might've looked like that from the start.
DF, you are doing one helluva good job. You are SO right in not reacting to him. And it's pissing him off and confusing him. ~S~ is right in that you are going to one day not show up for the game, and that will be the real end of it. He will never end it. He needs you--more than you need him. He needs to control you, he needs that power, that ego-boost, that narcissistic supply. (google that one, too. very insightful).
two things struck me as i finally read over the comments on your last post.
one: i know why it's hard for you to admit (mainly to yourself) that you are an abused woman. forget the stereotypes. forget whatever prejudice you have formed in your own mind about what an abused woman is. those thoughts simply aren't true. abused women are not stupid or weak, or any combination thereof. they are kind, thoughtful people who are constantly trying to do the right thing. that, sweetheart, is what makes you who you are. if you are able to come through this with your sense of right and wrong intact, you will not only have survived but conquered. you have it in you, i can tell.
two: i know that no matter how many of us agree with you, you are still doubting. you wonder if you have given him a fair description, you wonder if we all agree with you just because you're good at convincing us. this is normal. i've been through it. i'm finally to the other side of this stage that you're in (the new stage has its own battles) and i can tell you that you need to listen to your friends here, at home, everywhere. seek reassurance from every person you know, because one word from him will make you doubt. this is normal. you're not alone, you're not the first to experience this. and don't believe that you are weak or anything else because you have doubts--they are normal.
i am so friggin proud of you, DF, and if you need to wait 7 weeks, do it. just move steadily toward your goal, and we will be here cheering you on. ~S~ is right on. listen to her.
Here's to hoping the next seven weeks pass you all by quickly :)
Thinking of you!
Hi there,
It seems to me that the plonker doesn't have the balls to end this marriage and is doing his best to goad you into doing so. But you are doing the same as I did, carefully laying down an excellent plan of action and then when you are ready, calmly announcing 'You are the weakest link. GOODBYE!'
The most difficult part of all this is accepting it in your own head, the rest is just getting organised.
Happy International Woman's Day
okay, but I'm keeping a calendar, like an advent calendar, 49 days to DF day
you have your reasons for waiting the 7 weeks, df, and i have no doubt they're valid - it's what is right for you.
good for you, though. i'm with a fish on a bycicle on keeping the advent calendar...
((hugs))
b.
you can do this.
You can last.
He is even annoying me, and I'm not married to him.
*hugs* sweetie :)
I'm still here... silent most of the time, but here nonetheless.
xo
You are a wise and wonderful woman and with ~S~, the children and your loving friends you CAN do this. Blessed be, dear lady, blessed be.
I love that you sound so in control in this post. He is confused because you aren't reacting the way he was wanting/expecting you to. You're getting the power and strength back that you need to complete the next 7 weeks, and I am SO proud of you!
Take care.
The fact that you have a game plan and are seeming more in control of what is going on is wonderful.
I love what S said too...about not even showing up to play the game.
*hugs* DF
DF -
You sound really strong and courageous here, and hell, make it YOUR timetable, nobody elses....
Minerva
Once again i say: listen to sis b. She knows her shit.
And i think you are freakin' amazing in your new "i will not be sucked into that pathetic crap" attitude.
I do, i do. I really do.
Here's a milestone for your advent calendar. The week after next is Minx week, which i personally am celebrating by coming to Old Blighty, and will be phoneable at all hours -- particularly when ~S~ (bless) sleeps. That's 7 days that i will do my best to help fly by, i promise.
Love, Minxy xxxxxx
DTMFA.
Stands for "Dump The MotherFucker Already."
I have a word for you - "tag" and you're it
ok, in the words of kalani, your needs to go suck a kak.
i've been thinking more about you, and i'm sorry if you're tired of my advice, but i'm not going to shut up until you tell me to. :) any time you start to doubt yourself, any time you wonder if you are making the wrong decision, any time you think that you've been blowing it all out of proportion, I want you to go read the things that you wrote on the sister site. I want you to realize that every single instance you wrote about there was abuse. And the one that you thought "didn't count", did. It's only the beginning, and it most certainly did count. Don't think for an instant that it didn't. I know why you feel like a child when he's around, because he treats you one. But you're not.
You are strong. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You have equal rights. You deserve to respect, honor and love.
You can do this.
I really feel for you. I have been where you are now and it is not a good place to be. Hang in there. Things will be better after you have made your move.
I'm a smart-ass. I would have told him "Sounds as if the barmaid have on her glasses"
Hang in there girl, this is the worst. Things will improve when he's gone
Many hugs to you DF, I understand your position.
hugs to yo. I hope the next seven weeks are OK for you.
S
How are you?
Jesus, what the hell is that crap up there???
And where are you, we're getting worried. Hope you're doing ok hun xx
i'm looking for updates as well, hope you are ok.
yeah, sweetheart, we're concerned about you. if you don't have much to say, just let us know you're ok please? we love and support you. you don't owe us anything, but please let us know you're ok.
Where are you lovely, and Grrrrr Boo The Spammers....
Zoe xx
DF,
how are you sweetheart? Thinking of you,
Yes, you can do it.
Here's hoping 7 weeks flies by for ya.
*hugs*
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