Sunday, March 26, 2006

back from beyond

BACK FROM BEYOND

Well I'm back. It's been a pretty interesting and eventful week to say the least, as I guess you will know if you have been keeping up to date via ~S~ blog.

I'll just summarise...

It all kicked off dramatically last Sunday when he walked out just after 9am. He came back at lunchtime, refused point blank to speak with me and then disappeared to the pub. When he finally came back 5 hours later he threw his wedding ring at me across the kitchen and told me he was leaving - I said fine. That stopped him in his tracks and he then proceeded to backtrack, telling me it had all been a mistake and he didn't mean it.

I won't bore you with the details - quite honestly you would be reading for weeks. He took three days off work last week to talk things through with me, and has asked his bosses not to go away again for the next couple of weeks. Yet I told him I needed space - which is entirely true.

He claims he has nowhere to go if I ask him to leave - I know he has asked his parents and they have refused although I think this is on the grounds that they want us to 'work things out' rather than letting him run away from it all.

Right now, he's in ultra-nice mode. He's been considerate and helpful, talking about saving for a fantastic foreign holiday next year and buying me a laptop for Christmas. He has me on the biggest guilt trip I have ever known. The rational part of me sees that this is all another means of him manipulating me, but then I wonder if he is capable of that and then start to feel the guilt at how devastated he now says he will be if I asked him to go.

I'm just confused and feeling emotionally weak and drained now.

The one thing in all this that has kept me going - well, two things actually. But first and foremost is ~S~. She has called, calmed me down, talked me through things. Despite her feelings she has let me talk freely about everything that is happening here.

The second thing is all your support. It means so much to know that you are popping by, checking in, and thinking of me. Thank you.

Right now I've entered what can only be described as a state of numbness. Life goes on around me but I don't feel any of it. Today was Mothers' Day. My children spoiled me in their own sweet ways and I hugged them close to me for a long long time. But my heart felt numb and still.

14 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hugs to you lovely - I'm no help whatsoever, but I'm thinking of you,

Zoe xx

9:28 PM  
Blogger lecram sinun said...

We're still here. Be strong.

11:37 PM  
Blogger moonwhispers said...

oh darlin, he has you by the guilt strings. I do so understand. do some homework on abusers, what he is doing is so typical. and what will happen is that he will be good for a while (its the only place he has, so he has to be good) but once he figures you are over what ever made you say go, he will be his usual abuser self.
The reason you feel numb inside is because you had to shut your heart down to live with it.
I understand you are making decisions that are the most intense you have ever had to make.
Just be sure they are YOUR decisions, not his, because you will have to live with them all your life.
Sending you the strongest vibes of love and support, understanding......great big hugs

1:15 AM  
Blogger CycleGuy said...

My dearest DF,
I know of that numb feeling and, believe me, it goes away.
Don't feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Up until now, you've taken everything he's thrown at you, and this is where it ends.
All you need to do now is to make a life for yourself and your girls... and ~S~ of course!

xxoo

1:20 AM  
Blogger addict said...

Hang in there...
It must be really confusing, just remember that your heart holds all the answers, listen well because it speaks the softest.
Find your own truth, some may try to persuade you one way or the other, but in the end it is all about what is real, what is temporary and how you want to spend the rest of your life....
I've been thinking of you tons this last week.

4:09 AM  
Anonymous jd's rose said...

Ohh DF, I wish that there were something that I could do to make this easier...

xxx

5:11 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

I'm thinking of you. *hugs*

5:49 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

It's certainly a tough time for you, and I can understand the confusion you must be going through.

I guess the bottom line is that you mustn't forget how he treats you when he's more secure that things are ok (in his world anyway), and of course the way he can get at the children, physically and mentally.

You deserve so much more than this DF, please don't get sucked in by him making a last ditch attempt to set things right...soon as he feels he's on safer ground, he'll go back to being the person you've been wanting to get away from for so long.

I know it's difficult but do not feel guilty...do you think he feels guilty for the anguish he's caused you and the children? I doubt he's even noticed how much he's hurt you all in the past.

Anyway, that's just my two cents worth...whatever you decide, I hope it turns out the way YOU want it to.

*hugs*

7:07 AM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

We never managed to speak again, DF, but i loved that we did at all.

And i join everyone else in saying: be strong. Stick with it. I know you can, and what's more, i know you will.

All my love

Minxy xxxx

8:44 AM  
Blogger Aine said...

((((DF))))

9:27 AM  
Blogger Angel Girl said...

oh hun, I am not going to try to say something inspirational or logical.. it's all covered above. Just remember we are all here for you. Love ya girlie and your in my prayers.

9:58 AM  
Anonymous katietoyboy said...

A marriage that is held together with guilt strings is not really much of a marriage is it? From experience, I know that a marriage break-up is one of the most difficult, stressful and saddest time of a person's life even if both people have accepted and there are no kids. Circumstances bring a person to this point and they have the choice to ignore reality and live unhappily ever after or be very brave, make the change and eventually live happily ever after. Try thinking without the smog of guilt. You will be fine.

take care

12:29 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

It's so hard to watch someone go through a bad time and not be able to actively "help" but know I, too am thinking of you and yours.

3:22 PM  
Anonymous pink said...

As someone whos been through a similar break up.Remember that nothing really changes.He's doing what he wants in making you feel guilty.If he persuades you to take him back,he will revert straight back to his usual self.

5:34 PM  

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