Wednesday, March 29, 2006

i don't know what to say

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

But I am sure I'll think of something eventually. If I sit at this keyboard for long enough and type enough nonsensical drivel then maybe something worth listening to will pop out. Don't hold your breath though.

I've been for my reflexology today and oh my, it was blissful. I happen to work at this clinic too, but while I have been away nursing injuries the clinic owner has had some pretty major refurbishments done and I have to say the place is looking fabulous. Think slightly french, in dusky pinks and aubergines, with lots of scented candles and crystals. It is truly beautiful and a very very relaxing place to be. In fact so much so that I am now looking forward to getting back to work there.

I'm also nicely relaxed, if a little tired now.

Internet frustrations abound today. ~S~ has no internet at all at work today. The one day that DH is late at work and I could actually talk to her freely and bugger me she has no internet. It's just cruel.

It seems my last post attracted a lot of advice. You know I always value the advice given - whatever it is. In fact even if it is something I don't necessarily want to hear, I still value the fact that you have taken the time and the trouble to comment.

On that note, there was one particularly interesting comment on my last post that I would really like to address in just a little more detail. It's not something I normally do but I saw the comment this morning and it has been on my mind all day. I'm not going to copy any of the comment here - you can read it in the post below if you haven't already.

Firstly, my head is, of course, more than a little scrambled right now. I think that can be allowed, under the circumstances. Whatever I may have alluded to in my last post I really have no intentions of telling DH about my sexual preferences. It was something I considered and then dismissed very very quickly - for all the reasons you have all stated.

Secondly, I am leaving him because of the abuse. There. I said it. Abuse. I feel like I should stand up now and say in a loud clear voice....

'My name is deadly female and I am an abused wife'

Round of applause for that please?

Ignore everything else you know about me right now. I am ending this marriage because the abuse has killed any love I ever had for him. I am ending it because it is the right thing for me to do - for myself and for my children.

What I should make crystal clear is that I am not ending this marriage because suddenly someone else has popped onto the scene that seems like a better option. Categorically not. Whatever anyone may think of my morals, I am not the sort of person that would do that type of thing.

With regards to ~S~ some very valid points have been raised. She is not a replacement for my DH. Nor am I looking at this whole relationship through rose-tinted glasses. Yes, my feelings for her and hers for me run so incredibly deep but I'm not going to justify them here. I don't have to. Some of you out there have spoken to me in person, some of you have also spoken to ~S~ in person.You know that we are both sensible, mature and intelligent adults.

That is the reason why she is coming to spend almost three weeks with me in September.

Both of us have our eyes wide open. We may meet in September and there be no attraction between us at all. We may meet and discover that we don't get on as well as we thought we would. There may be massive clashes in our personalities. Anything could happen. We are both well aware of that fact.

I should say that it would break my heart if that did happen. But we are both awake to the possibilities.

After September, if our feelings still run the same then she will make plans to move over here. Yes to be with me. But I have stated from the very start that she must always have the air fare and the ability to return home if things don't work out. That is NOT because I don't think things will work out - that's because I'm logical and sensible and she's planning on moving 4,000 miles to be with me. She always needs to know that she has a get-out if ever she decides she wants it.

As far as I am concerned I know I could cope perfectly well as a single mum - essentially I've been coping as a semi-single mum for 6 years. Practically, emotionally and even financially (albeit with a struggle) I now know beyond a doubt that I can cope. I'm not scared to be alone. I'm certainly not dragging ~S~ over here as a replacement. If I end up alone then so be it. I have some damned good friends and a wonderful support network around here. They would be enough.

But as those of you that know me also know (oh what a mouthful that was) I am as certain as I can ever be that ~S~ is the person that I am meant to be with. If that turns out to not be the case then I will take that hurt on the chin like the grown-up I am. I will lick my wounds and I will get on with my life.

Do you seriously think that I have not asked myself, time and time and time again, if this relationship is just infatuation? Do you seriously think that I have not questioned every motive for wanting her here with me? I have lain awake night after night, analysing this situation.

These are not decisions that I have made lightly. These are decisions that are the result of hours and hours and hours of long, hard thinking. Painful thinking. You'll just have to trust me on that score.

See, I said I wasn't going to justify myself or my feelings and I just spent the best part of an hour doing just that. I also said that I didn't know what to say today. Seems I was wrong there too.

Incidentally, Debussys' Clare de Lune is one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have heard in a long time. Thanks.

19 Comments:

Blogger thordora said...

oh honey.....hugs...I know there's nothing I can say

8:17 PM  
Blogger bee said...

deadly,
don't ever feel like you need to justify yourself to us, if you don't want.
i am here cheering for you. you and ~s~ are beautiful.

8:58 PM  
Anonymous pink said...

Life is an ongoing saga that we live through everyday.We never know where we will end up.But everyone lives there own lives and you must do whats best for you.

There is a quote i always think of now before i do something.Its what do you regret most in your life the things you did or things you didn't do.
I think everyone regrets what they didn't do.If you do something you know what the outcome was.You should follow your heart even if things don't work out at least you will know you tried.

9:31 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

*APPLAUDS*

9:44 PM  
Blogger SPIFFY said...

THIS WILL BE MY FIRST COMMENT TO YOU, BUT YOU HAVE TOUCHED ME WITH YOUR COURAGE AND PASSION. ALL I REALLY HAVE TO SAY IS GOOD FOR YOU AND STAY STRONG.

10:14 PM  
Blogger Sis B said...

*jumping up and down, wildly cheering*

Yes, DF! This is what you MUST hang on to. You will probably face doubts again, especially with him still in the house, but you have finally said it. When you say it once, it's easier the second and third times. Being abused doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. It means that there is something dreadfully wrong with your abuser. Good for you for acknowledging the fact that you are an abused woman. Now make sure you get the second part--that there's nothing wrong with you for having been abused.

I am SO proud of you. And Love must always be faced realistically, otherwise it is not love, it is infatuation. You're doing so well. I'm glad you've divided the issues and are beginning on the path to a better life.

It will still be hard, but this was a WONDERFUL step forward in your mind and heart.

Again, I'm so fucking proud of you. (can i say that word here?) You know I am ALWAYS here for you if you need me.

10:23 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

*APPLAUDS* too! :)

Good for you!

11:06 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

I am a 34 year old ADULT woman. I am intelligent and I have plenty of common sense. Don't judge me when you don't know me.

3:25 AM  
Blogger Chelle said...

You know...what makes you happy is what matters!! We have no right to question your decisions :) I wish you the best of everything....you will get through all of this!! :) Thinking of you....

4:39 AM  
Blogger Aine said...

xoxo

9:54 AM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

*Standing ovation*

Much love, hugs and all my support. You know this.

Minxy xxxx

10:14 AM  
Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

ah, you know....

x

4:39 PM  
Blogger Lilly said...

everybody said it
your doing great
do it all for yourself and kids
x

8:30 PM  
Blogger EE said...

Very well said.

9:45 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

Ya know, I've been where you are... and as I read this, almost 9 years after the fact - I still feel all the emotions you describe.

Hang in there babe.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

That is freaking fantastic!! I'm proud of you!
xoxo

12:44 AM  
Blogger Minerva said...

Wow...such strength comes flowing out of you...

BRAVO!!

1:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't know how much relevance this will have...but me n' hubby met online and it was 2 years before we ever 'met' for real...and BAM..genuine love at first sight if you will...it was AWESOME..

he was married when we first talked online too..although very on the rocks...

it all worked out so well..no one thought it would..heck i didn;t even think it would, lol.

guess that's why i always just say 'hang in there'..it'll work out...i know it will xx

(zoe)

8:47 PM  
Blogger saratoga said...

Yes, I am sure you have wrestled with justifying, to yourself, your relationship with S. I did that, too, in prior situations with potential Dominas literally half a world away.

From the inside, you think and feel you have 'covered all the bases,' and it makes sense. From the outside, it simply looks, and in my experience, was, incomplete, myopic and done from pain and desperation.

Tell me you are not now 'desperate' to be in a different life, than life with your spouse?

All your statements show you have, to date, done an internally-consistent and satisfying job of justifying the involvement with S.

I simply want to point out, that is probably not sufficient to 'justify' or have high expectations of a healthy resulting long-term relationship.

Finally, from my experience, you are unfortunately being forced to make a mistake. I have found that, when becoming acquainted online, the sooner two people meet, the better. I mean weeks, maybe a few months.

If it goes longer, the imagined total in-person chemistry becomes so far overblown that nobody can fill those shoes. If you think conventional in-person dating is a situation in which we hide flaws, or things we think the other party would not like, even when we don't try, what in heaven's name do you think goes on in online 'relationships?'

My then-therapist was even-tempered and supportive, but reasonable, in pointing out how many 'real' things might be hidden beneath the apparently benign persona my then-online-Domina possessed.

Upon meeting her, the magic dissolved within a day.

I am not saying your , or anyone else's experience must be like mine. Nor that just because I had one experience which did not meet my expectations, you will as well.

In fact, based upon this and other meetings of potential partners from online, I do feel that there is a "very" high correlation between the probability of a successful relationship, and a short time elapsing between initial acquaintance and/or acknowledging "mutual feelings," and in-person meeting.

Be warned........

Best wishes as always, and continue to think of your children's welfare....

-saratoga

2:43 PM  

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