Monday, March 13, 2006

my baby just cares for me


I'm still here. Things are still calm. He is still away.

When he does bother to call, conversation has deteriorated. His latest call lasted all of two minutes and 14 seconds. I'm sure that even he realises now that things are over between us. He will, however, be home at the weekend.

I've had a very very hectic few days., particularly over the weekend. Saturday night saw me being kidnapped by a friend and forced to eat Chinese food and eventually drink Southern Comfort. I spent all day Sunday at an event with the children, then doing battle with snowstorms to get back home. To say that I was exhausted was a massive understatement.

~S~ called me on Sunday afternoon, I was so tired I could barely speak. She insited that I sleep for an hour, and I did, falling into one of those dead sleeps. She called me after an hour and talked me back to lucidity.

This morning was no better - she woke me at 6am with a phone call and I was so exhausted that I actually fell asleep while talking to her on the phone! All I recall is hearing her gently tell me to wake up.

Most of the exhaustion was due to the weekend - it was incredibly full-on. But I think that I was - and maybe still am - emotionally exhausted as well.

I am okay though, still getting through each day as it comes. There's still a lot I have to do and there are some tasks that I'm putting off. I'm a master procrastinator.

Thank you all, once again, just for being here. Each and every comment that you leave gives me such a huge amount of strength. Sis B - you have hit the nail squarely on the head with one of your most recent comments - yes I am still finding it very hard to accept that I am abused. Yes I worry constantly that in actual fact I am the manipulator and am just good at creating a story. Even though deep down I know that's not true, it still slips into my mind when my resistance is low.

This last weekend has also seen the emergence of some new feelings - concerning the friends that are physically present in my life. I've found myself feeling guilty about burdening them with what is happening, and shying away from talking about it with them. On top of everything else I'm getting worried that I will end up driving them away. *sigh*

Oh, there is some lovely stuff though - for a change. On Friday morning there was a knock on the door. Which resulted in me being handed the most enormous box - all the way from the US. From ~S~. And this box was crammed full of lovely lovely pressies for me. Hershey's Kisses, apple butter, Big Red cinnamon gum (I'm addicted!), a gorgeous teddy bear, a stunning necklace, a couple of magazines because she knew I would enjoy the articles in there, a purse that was hers but I took a shine too when I saw it - and more stuff besides. Goodies for the children too. My smile was at least a foot wide.

Before I go, comment moderation has finally had to be enabled after the serious spamming my last post got. And eeeewwww, that was nasty spam. Nasty icky slimy spam. No more spam here, please.


Blogger Sapphire said...

Baby... TELL them how long that bag of Kisses lasted you... and my response when you told me.

I love you xxx

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So glad you're ok :)

Hang in there lass..
s'been snowy here too, Brrrrrrrr.

Hugs, Zoe -x-

9:25 PM  
Blogger 40spoet said...

take care and glad to see you are ok. enjoy the box of gifts, and hershey kisses are great aren't they?

9:57 PM  
Blogger pack of 2 said... long did that bag of kisses last? I'm guessing not very I'm glad you got a nice goodie box from S. I know it lifted your spirits.


10:04 PM  
Blogger Minerva said...

I am already anticipating THAT answer...

And so lovely to have you back..


10:17 PM  
Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

I'm guessing it may have something to do with wishing they weren't candy kisses?

10:20 PM  
Blogger Aine said...

I'm so glad to see you back again. Worried, so I was. :)


10:25 PM  
Blogger straighttalker05 said...

Rest when you can.

Don't sweat the small things.

Smile because I told you too.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Karin said...

DF I know I haven't been around much lately and for that I am sorry. I know you have a plan on when and how to get out but I am still worried about you. The more he knows it is over the more he is likely to do some serious harm. I ask that you are cautious as you wait out these next weeks. I also ask that you keep us posted so that our wild imaginations don't run rampid with ideas that you are not ok.

As for your friends if they are truly friends then the things going on with you will not burden them, they will want to help you threw. If they can be so easily driven away I seriously doubt they were friends in the first place. I am so happy that you have S and she is helping you through all of this. Just don't be afraid to tell her everything, it will only make you guys stronger.

You know they say here that big red makes you kiss a little longer, makes things last a little longer. Maybe you want to save that gum for September.

10:34 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

Get your MINDS out of the GUTTER people!
I swear! Bunch of perverts! *hmph*

*laughs at the memory*

10:43 PM  
Blogger EE said...

Good to hear an update from you. :)

Have you thought about turning on a word verification? That cut out all spam on my blog before my friend gave my blog a make-over and bc of it's format I don't need it anymore. Just an idea. :)

12:06 AM  
Anonymous jd's rose said...

Now I want to know how long the bag of kisses lasted?!

I am glad your friend forced you to go out and enjoy yourself. If nothing else, at least for a short while, you got to be you.

Keep smiling...


12:16 AM  
Blogger addict said...

I am so glad that you have the strength of someone's love...
The next weeks may get bumpy...
I could not wait to get back from vacation to see how you were doing!

1:37 AM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

Sounds like things are getting better for you finally and i'm glad Yay for ~S~ she loves you so!

2:55 AM  
Blogger Sis B said...

glad to know you're ok! one thing that struck me (and it's late and I'm tired so this may not come out right) is that i pushed my friends away, too. i didn't want to burden them, but i also didn't want to give them the opportunity to reject me. if i was the one pulling away, i didn't have to worry about them not being there when i needed them. it took me a long time to realize that that's why i did it, and an even longer time to realize that this was not fair to them. it pre-judged them and did not give them the opportunity to be what they are--my friends. your true friends will be there for you through this, and they will support you and you will not drive them away with it. there are friends who may not know what to do but still love you anyway, and there are friends who will run screaming because they don't want to be involved. please, give them the choice, don't make it for them. you really need those friends who are true and will support you through this. i've just begun to realize how silly it was of me to feel so alone through everything. i have friends who are pouring out of the woodwork, inquiring about my wellbeing, my safety, my life, and offering more support than i could have imagined. i should have given them the chance to be there for me. please give your friends the chance to be there for you. (i'm sorry i write a book every time i comment here)

4:17 AM  
Blogger natty68 said...

Glad you're back hon.. :)

And I can honestly say I have never had hershey kisses so dont even know what they are like..but I guess they are

And dont worry about turning your real life friends away hon, if they are true friends, which they seem to be, they will stick by you through this time and let you unburden yourself to them without a thought for it at all. I promise I will email you soon, no excuse just brain fog I think.


7:57 AM  
Blogger Mallard said...

Good luck.

12:13 PM  
Blogger Lilly said...

stay warm
and safe

12:29 PM  
Blogger pack of 2 said...

I was just at RSG's and saw your comment and wanted to let you know that RSG is safe and sound at home. Shelly talked to her last night night.....don't worry....she's fine. I'm off to tell S. Hope you're doing well.


4:24 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Spam sucks. You don't.

I hope that you're coming to terms with everything you need to and that it's not such a hard fall. Sometimes being in the throes of it makes it tough to see what's really the problem. You deserve more, you know that, and now you're working toward that for you, for S and for your kids. That's a great thing.

6:40 PM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

Mmm. Kisses. Yum.

Good to see you again...


6:42 PM  
Anonymous doctorlucy said...

I know what it's like to have someone shattered and fall asleep on the phone to you! FT has fallen asleep on the phone a couple of time! I like to tell myself it's the southing tone in my voice rather than being boring! :)
Secondly, I know how you feel about burdening your friends and driving them away. I had the same reaction when I was going through the coming out process. All I can do is reitterate what sis b said, in that you should leave the choice up to them as to whether they want to help and support you or run a mile... The best friends are there through thick and thin, no questions asked, and friendship can thrive when the chips are down and support is needed! Just hang in there, be as strong as you can in yourself, and let them be there for you as much as they can! This situation isn't going to last forever, and a time will come when they need the same from you!
Hang in there, good luck with everything, and glad you enjoyed the present ;)

7:35 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Awwww! Hooray for goodie boxes. Love those! ~S~ is a gem!

Hang in there, girl - and rest up!

10:57 PM  

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