Monday, March 27, 2006

sorting out the thoughts


I'm not in a good place right now.

He's still here. After last weekend's revelations I agreed, perhaps stupidly, that I wouldn't throw him out. I agreed that we would carry on as if everything were normal until after Easter (this is child related).

It's proving to be really really hard.

I laid it all on the line for him. I told him I had seen a solicitor. He was completely shocked by this.

I told him I was prepared to sell the house and divorce him right away.

He has pulled, and continues to pull, every emotional string in the book. So far he has threatened to kill himself in a variety of different ways (car off a cliff, gun to his head etc etc). The rational part of me sees that this is emotional blackmail. It's just so so so hard to deal with though.

He says he would be devastated to lose me, his life would be worthless.

He is making an effort in his own way - he has been 'nice' to me, he cooked dinner yesterday (because it was Mothers Day). He even booked me in at the hairdressers for Friday. He's been civil and pleasant enough. Because of this I know he already thinks everything is going back to 'normal'.

He has asked me, on several occasions, if I am seeing another man. That was very very hard.

I have told him that I don't want him to touch me - and he has tried despite me saying this. This morning he tried once again to kiss me as he went to work. I feel bad saying this but I turned my face away. Inside I was screaming that I don't want him near me. Yesterday he pushed past me suggestively as I was stood in the doorway talking to my friend - pushed his body against mine and tried to hold me. I froze. Last week he blatantly looked down my top when I was preparing food in the kitchen.

His behaviour is confusing me. On the one hand I have relatives who think that we should work at it 'for the sake of the children' and are putting pressure on me to make a go of things. Friends are telling me to stand by my instincts and hold strong.

The bottom line is that I don't want to be married to him anymore. I don't think there is anything he can do that will change my feelings.

There are three main factors in this - I've tried to keep them separate in my head but they are so inextricably linked that I can't.

There's the marriage - and the way that I feel it has irretrievably broken down - and all of the reasons for that breakdown.

Then there's the fact that actually I prefer women. Not just to him. To any man. I've been tempted to tell him this but I feel it would just overcomplicate things right now and would probably be used against me.

~S~ I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I've seriously questioned myself over and over again about this, and about my relationship with her. And I have realised that if it weren't for her coming into my life I would probably be putting up with everything else. Keeping my head down and being a good wife. And an unhappy woman.

I've also thought long and hard about leaving her. About telling her that it is over, cutting contact and trying to make the best of things here. There is no doubt that it seems like it would be the easiest and most sensible thing to so. Except that I can't. When I think about it I literally panic. My heart races, my eyes fill with tears. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. I need her like I need air to breathe.

The issues in my marriage existed long before ~S~. I know I have said that before - it's always worth saying again. But she has given me the strength and the belief in myself to want to do something about it. And you know even if she weren't planning to come over here, I would still be ending this marriage. I'm not scared of being alone. Not anymore.

I am, right now, lower than I have been in a long long time.

My eating is sporadic again - days of starvation followed by overeating.

I could sleep for days and yet most nights I waken in panic in the early hours and spend those hours worrying about all manner of stuff.

I've stopped talking to my friends. I'm not reaching out to them. If they come to me, sure I'll talk a little, but I'm avoiding them.

Nor am I going out. Unless I have to. Which means the school run and whatever activities the children have to do.

~S~ can see this, and I know it is worrying her. I was supposed to go out today for a walk but it's raining heavily and so I stayed home instead.

I'm not even doing anything productive at home - a lot of the day is spent staring into space.

I hate feeling like this.

One thing I did do today - a positive thing. One of the women I work with called me to see how I was. She's lovely. She invited me over to see some improvements that have taken place at the clinic. I grabbed my courage and said that yes, I would come over, but was there any possibility I could have a treatment with her while I was there? And so I have an hour's reflexology booked for Wednesday afternoon.

I just need to keep hanging in there.


Blogger Sis B said...

Stay strong! You can do this.

I have a million things to respond to in this but I will try to keep it simple and short (yeah right).

1. Remember I told you this would happen? That he would start being "nice" and trying to work things out? This is part of the abuse cycle. For me it was always the worst part, because it conflicted my feelings, called every decision I made into question and generally made things very difficult. OF tried touching me, too, and it made me sick to my stomach. I hated to feel his body close to mine but I allowed it because I felt guilty. Don't do this! You have no reason to feel guilty! He is abusive, and he is continuing the abuse right now. Threatening suicide is more than emotional manipulation, it is emotional abuse. Remember, you are not in an unhappy marriage, you are in an abusive one. Please find a counselor somewhere who understands these dynamics and can help you through these times!

Also, you must be VERY suspicious of his behaviour. If he's being nice, he's probably planning something. You got the jump on him by seeing a solicitor first, and now he's trying to rebound. This could all be an act to buy him time to truly screw you over. I do not want to scare you, but you must look at things this way.
I repeat: THIS MAN IS ABUSIVE. Don't put anything past him.

2. Please don't mix up your feelings for ~S~ or your preference for women with this whole mess. I know it's very hard, but you must figure out how to keep them separate. Do not look at this as choosing between ~S~ and DH. You are getting out of an abusive relationship. Period. Everything else, as emotional and intense as it is, is just fluff and distraction right now. (That is not to belittle your relationship or your feelings, just to try to put into perspective the urgency and seriousness of your problems with DH).

You can do this, DF. I know you can. You are strong and beautiful, and you know what's best for your children. I pulled away from real life friends, too. Please don't pull away from your blog. Whenever you doubt, think of seeing your daughter on the floor and him attacking her with nail clippers. Go read your string of events.

You know in your heart what this is about and what you have to do. Be strong, I know you can do this.

(As predicted, that was neither simple nor short)

2:27 PM  
Blogger Becca said...

I usually just lurk here, but I had to comment today. About six years ago I was in about the same situation as you are today. My husband at the time wanted to try to work it out, but I was disgusted by him and the emotional/physical abuse that had ripped me apart during the previous few years was just too much to overcome. He too was totally shocked when I decided to end the relationship and tried to say we could fix it. I wasn't eating (lost 30 lbs), didn't want to leave the house, and tried to avoid him at all cost. It ended badly in the end with the police, restraining orders, attempted suicide (by him), and him being kept in the mental instituation for a while because of this.
You have to do what you have to do for you and your children. You know in your heart what is right and what you deserve, and it is not being there with him. I had family who wanted me to work it out with him for the sake of our son, even after knowing about the abuse, so I stopped hiding it all from them. I let them see bruises, I made them aware of the things that happened behind closed doors. Eventually they realized that staying there was only hurting my son, not helping him have a happy family.
Today I know I did the best thing for him. His father turned out to be useless and I know had I stayed, my son would be as unhappy as I was.
Sorry this is so long. Keep your chin up.

2:53 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

Honey you are at the end of your rope, now just tie a knot and HANG ON. You are doing the right thing. It's only three weeks til' Easter. Even then who knows what he will do/say but be on your guard. HUGS to you, the girls & S

3:20 PM  
Blogger bee said...

oh, deadly!
the first thing i thought of when i saw your comment on my blog was "oh, yay! she's back, finally!" and then i read this and....i agree entirely with what sis b and becca are saying, and they've said it much better than i. i'm so sorry that you're feeling down, love. i wish there was something concrete i could do to show you what i see every day, through the power of your words: you have no idea how strong you are. even in the last few passages, when i'm almost certain you thought you were showing the world how 'weak' you were, your strength and fierceness, and the depths of your love for ~s~, shine through prismatically.
i'm worried about your eating, if i may be so bold. i know that that is the last thing you are probably worried about, but as a person with food issues herself, i know how mentally unstable starvation/overeating can make someone, especially if it's a pattern.
stay strong. you're doing it. you're almost there. i'm thinking about you every day.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Aine said...

DF. Sweetheart. The relatives who are telling you to work things out for the childrens' sake are woefully ignorant. I've said before I grew up in a household like that, and it was truly damaging. Your children aren't stupid, they know you're unhappy, and if you stay they'll think that's how marriage is meant to be. Abusive and unhappy. I was shocked when my parents announced their divorce because i thought living in misery - all of us - was the way life was.

And they'll repeat the cycle, just like I did.

Himself threatening suicide is pathetic, and merely the manipulations of a sad, bad man.

I agreed not to throw my ex out when we split up. I let him stay because he had nowhere else to go. He did me a lot of harm in those two weeks he stayed, he was cruel and unkind and I should have kicked him out the second we split.

I'm always thinking of you. You know where I am if you need me.


3:28 PM  
Blogger 40spoet said...

i, too, have b een lurking, and occasionally commenting. this is so ME, 5 years ago. my marriage of 12 yrs at the time was over, but it wan't until i met k that i really understood that i prefer women to men. we stayed it out as long as i could, like you, i was repulsed by his advances, and after i finally broke down and left, i told him that there were many things that were wrong with the marriage, but when i told him the gay thing, that was all he heard. i was emotionally a wreck. i left the marriage, asked for the divorce, and paid for a lawyer. it was all done three years ago, and we both have moved on. don't fool your self into thinking you ought to stay for the sake of the children. children are not stupid. in fact, if they see that mom and dad are tense all the time, it just fucks them up even more. they will know who has been there for them, no matter what the outcome. you need to get out of that situation. don't question ~s~ and the relationship you have with her. she is there for you, take advantage of that. tkae advantage of any and all services available to you at this time. you will get through it. you are NOT alone. there are so many people who have gone through similar experiences. learn from us. lean on us. talk to us. and let us support you. marta.

4:29 PM  
Anonymous pink said...

Stay strong and true to yourself.the first time i left my hubby he persuaded me to take him back mainly by emotional blackmail.Saying how upset the kids were,not giving me money on time.Within a week of him being back things were exactly the sameas before,he hadn't changed at all.I left him again last year and this time i haven't taken him back.Even though at times he makes my life hell.Your sooo lucky you've found your soulmate.Losing her would be so much worse than what your going through now.

5:30 PM  
Anonymous rae said...

I have no experience at all with what you're going through and can't really offer any advice. But I can offer support to help you make it to the other side.

All of us who read here are there for you...


5:43 PM  
Blogger lecram sinun said...

Keep hanging on in there. I know how confusing a time it is... and how tough it is to detatch one thing from the other. My thoughts are with you. Though it may feel like it... you are not alone.

6:05 PM  
Blogger EE said...

(((DF))) What you are going through is so incredibly difficult. Hang in there. I can tell how emotionally drained you are.

I wouldn't mention anything to your husband about ~S~ or your preference for women. I forsee that being thrown back in your face and used against you. You said there were problems before ~S~ and you should stick w/ that in reference to your unhappiness with your husband.


6:39 PM  
Blogger natty68 said...

DF Sweetheart, try and stay strong. I know its easier said than done, but you have to for yourself and for your girls. At the moment they are probably totally bewildered by what is going on, and need you to be there for them even if you dont feel like being there, if you know what I mean. You have to eat to keep yourself strong.. If you can please mediate for a while, to take yourself to a calm and quiet place, this will make it easier to bear.

And as for him saying he is going to kill himself, then call his bluff and say "Ok then, kill yourself" If he says something then always call his bluff - it will knock him sideways and make him think twice believe me.

I am here for you at any time, and I hope you know that.


9:18 PM  
Blogger Unbalanced said...

I agree with the comments above. If you tell him about your sexual preference and about ~S~ then everything will be about that. You are not leaving him because of ~S~, you are leaving because of his abusiveness and for the fact that you are not happy. Those are the issues. Now that you have taken the first steps, nothing will be ok until he's gone. After Easter don't let him talk you into letting him stay longer. You really can not move on to the next step until he is gone and you can feel some peace again. Just know I'm thinking of you and you are not alone.

9:19 PM  
Blogger jazzy said...

Only you know what you should and shouldn't do, but I wouldn't want to see him use S or the fact that you prefer women against you. That information may cause him to ignore the real reasons behind the broken marriage.

You've really made a lot of progress by telling him how unhappy you are. Good for you! Keep your chin up.

9:59 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

It's like leaving a job. If you have to threaten to quit before your employer takes steps to remedy a situation you've complained about before, they're not worth staying with. And if you do accept their promises and stay on, they never forget you were going to leave, and a short while down the road, it'll all go back to where it was before. it'll just be even harder to walk away.

11:11 PM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

Hang in there, my friend!


11:38 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

Whew...DF, I can't say anything better than what has already been said by the commenters before me. Just want you to know that I'm still pulling for you, thinking of you, and sending you positive vibes of strength!

Hang in there, sweetie...You KNOW that getting out of this marriage is the right thing to do!

Big hugs!

12:17 AM  
Blogger Minerva said...

Darling DF,
I know that you don't think you are doing well but trust me,all of us on this side of the fence can see that you are being really strong. As for the energy and stuff? Of course you can't do the necessary, you are conserving your energy for you and the kids and that is as it should be...

Couple of other things - DON'T mention 's' or the gay issue to him - these things are all twisted by divorce lawyers...and yes, he is trying to twist you anyway he can - just stay strong and think about your dream of being with 's' and happy...

As for staying for the kids? BULL - happy parents make happy kids - full stop.

Unhappy parents make, guess what, unhappy kids and they ALWAYS know...

Giving you a huge virtual hug,


12:46 AM  
Blogger Sis B said...

ooh, more thoughts on this (i know i'm very verbose here but i just can't help it):

do not, under any circumstances, tell him about ~S~ or your preference for women. in the moment that you do, his power will be restored and he will become the man that you know--the abusive one--but worse, because he will then have major ammunition against you. you do not want these things to come out in the ensuing custody battle, you do not want him to take something beautiful and perfect and sully it with his lascivious comments. don't give him that power, no matter how badly you feel you should be honest, no matter how guilty you feel, NO MATTER WHAT. please, please, learn from my mistakes. i told OF about my affair--not the physical part, but the emotional part--and he has not missed an opportunity to hold it against me since then. from everything i've read about DH, he is of OF's ilk and i have NO doubt that he will respond in like kind. think about the other predictions i've made about his behavior and realize that i'm probably correct here. protect yourself, your children, and your love. you owe him nothing--no explanations, no apologies, NOTHING. do not tell him, whatever you do.

3:04 AM  
Blogger SassyFemme said...

When you begin to doubt things, and second guess, go back and read your own words in earlier blog entries. Look at what you've been living through, how you've felt, and the kind of person DH is, and the love you have for DF.

He is trying to manipulate you, still, just in a different way. You are still being abused. The fact that he's pushing against you and looking down your shirt when you've told him you want a divorce and nothing to do with him sexually means he doesn't respect you. It's a power issue, he's trying to assert power over you, much the same way that rape isn't about sex, but about power.

Your relatives are not walking in your shoes, they are not living what you are living through. All because they are relatives does not mean they are right. Honestly, sometimes friends see us and our lives better than our relatives do, at least that's been my experience.

S and your feelings for women aside, you are unhappy, you are being abused, you deserve better, much better. The BONUS in all of this is that S is there. She's your happily ever after. The way your physically and emotionally react when you try to think of life w/o her speaks volumes, loud and clear.

Oh, and if he really wanted to commit suicide he'd just do it, not talk about it and threaten it. It's more emotional manipulation and abuse.

3:45 AM  
Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

I can't add a thing to what others have already said, except, x

7:23 AM  
Anonymous katietoyboy said...

I absolutely agree with the people above who advise you not to mention the fact that you now prefer ladieeees. Your husband will turn that into a sherman tank which he will drive and reverse back over you on the hour every hour. In two seconds flat your marriage breakup will be totally because of you and ~S~ and and his abuse will become a minor detail. In divorce courts, you could end up with a bigoted judge and you could lose custody of your girls. I don't mean to scare you but you have no idea how nasty things can get. Stay strong

11:16 AM  
Blogger Lyle said...

When you're wondering whether he's actually changing or not, just bear in mind that he's *still* not actually listening to you, or heeding your wishes (for example the "not wanting to be touched by him") - it's all still being tossed out, because it's not what he wants.

And when all's said and done, that's the important thing - that even when you're talking to him about what's wrong, and what you're thinking about doing (which, let's face it, is hardly a 'spur of the moment' decision) and it still doesn't sink in as really being anything to do with him.

2:19 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Aww, sweetie... hang in there, girl. Just take 1 day at a time & remember the support & luv you have here (& IRL).
I know it's gotta be hard... I can't even imagine.
But, you ARE doing the right thing.

*big hugs*

5:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The home stretch is alway the longest. You're strong and you're tired. Now's the time to take care of yourself--eat good food and do what feeds you. Hang in there and stay in the moment. You don't have to live all that's ahead, now. Just get through this moment, then the next, and so on...
And of course remember all those who are walkin' with ya!
Big hug,

6:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DF you are a freakin' awesome lady and you deserve soooooo much to be happy and safe in the arms of ~S~, hang in there and know there's bucketloads of love for you out here and everyone's rooting for you,

Zoe xxxx

9:22 PM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

All i can add to the excellent comments above (sis b does it again, bless her, and all the others) is this:

Re: "I've also thought long and hard about leaving her.... There is no doubt that it seems like it would be the easiest and most sensible thing to so."

Easiest? Maybe. In terms of your currently conflict with that manipulative shit of a husband of yours. Sensible? I do NOT think so. Not even a little.

Be strong, sweetpea. It's tough, but it will be so worth it. Sending you good vibes...

Minxy xxxxxxxx

11:06 PM  
Blogger Lea said...

DF,..I understand where your at right now. If you would like to chat, e-mail me. I dont post as much out of my own fear.
Many (((hugs)))

1:25 AM  
Blogger bee said...

keeping thoughts of you and ~s~ foremost in my head tonight. stay strong, and true to yourself. know that we all love you.

3:29 AM  
Blogger saratoga said...

A few thoughts....

Regarding the marriage, when you know you cannot work it through from your end, irrespective of your 'partner's' actions, it's time to go. And especially with children. They see the true feelings anyway. Staying together for them, as if they don't see the lovelessness, is, imo, pointless.

Regarding liking women, that's a choice you have to make for yourself and your children. In my case, I never would have divorced strictly for access to D/s. Having children, that seemed irresponsible. But, given my ex's problems, and lack of commitment to working on our marriage, that made it an easy choice. Divorce, closer ties with my children, AND great FemDom experiences since.

Finally, your online friend S. I take it she IS online-only at this point.

Again, some experience speaking. When you are in the throes of separation/divorce, someone you have never met in person can be amazingly perfect for you. The reality, 24/7, or even for a short stint of being together, may be a rather rude shock. Trust me- btdt.

You so do not want to hang your life on an imagined perfect future living with someone you've never spent a weekend with, much less even met. What she gives you right now is valid and valuable- emotional support, attention, understanding.

While all those are necessary for you now, they do not, in any way, prefigure a happy and successful LTR.

Lose the husband. Heal yourself and your children. Explore your sexuality. Thank your friend S but be wary of pledging your and your children's lives to her before you've truly determined, as you would any local potential suitor, that she is your lifetime mate.

Best wishes. I'll be checking in again soon to read of your progress toward happiness and serenity.

7:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

saratoga has left the most valid comment/advice I have ever read on your blog. Listen to this person!!!!!!!!!!

12:23 PM  
Blogger Lilly said...

You can do it
You ARE doing it


1:02 PM  

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