Saturday, March 04, 2006

utter helplessness again


I feel sick. I just had some news from ~S~ that is not good. It's not her, it's a member of her family. But once more I can do nothing, not even comfort her. I'm 4,000 fucking miles away and it's shit.

I'm fighting with so many emotions - the fact that DH is in the room next door as I type this and I just want to cry but I can't. The need to stay up until I know what is happening, even though I know that ~S~ probably won't be able to contact me for several hours. That need for information but knowing that I have no right to it.

Then there's utter selfishness. I'm so ashamed of these feelings but part of me is wondering if this is her way of getting out but she's afraid to tell me. I know this is complete paranoia. I know that Princess of Paranoia bitch is laughing her evil head off right now but what if this is it? What if ~S~ is just making excuses now and it's only a matter of time before the ultimate excuse for her not to come in September, not to come ever? I feel such a callous bitch for even entertaining such thoughts.

As I'm typing this, a message from ~S~ has just appeared on my phone explaining a little more of what is going on and it's not good. I'm worried, really worried now. ~S~ doesn't need any more to deal with and she certainly doesn't need me being melodramatic and pathetic.

I just feel that the Universe is stacked against us right now.

What does it want us to do? Am I destined to a life alone? Is it telling me to stay with him, despite everything? Can someone just please take out my mind and give it back when this is all over?


Blogger Minerva said...

Darling Df,

I am so sorry that you and S are going through the mill right now but rest assured that one thing is sure - this is all random, really bad stuff, but it is RANDOM. Shit happens, and once shit happens for some reason more shit happens...Don't know why, but that is just the way life is..and ultimately for every awful thing life throws at you, it also gives you something wonderful...

You have a gorgeous woman in your life who adores you, you have your children who love you, friends and family who love and support you.... Yes, you have shit too but you will get through it...

I am so proud of all the plans you are making...You are an amazing woman with wonderful depths of character and I, for one, am giving you a standing ovation from the front row....

Love you loads,


12:14 AM  
Blogger Professor Fate said...

Repeat after me...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

1:37 AM  
Anonymous jd's rose said...

These things are meant to try us.

Without dissapointment, you cannot appreciate victory.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

You CAN do this.


2:28 AM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

Baby I'm not leaving you. I can't leave our family. And even if I could, I don't want to. You're all I've got. If I don't have you, I have nothing.

I love you.

Mother is okay. I thought when she got home she'd be lying in bed, but she's not. She's moving about.

I love you again and again and again.

And I will be there in September. One way or another.


3:32 AM  
Blogger Junebugg said...

Just remember, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It's like tempering steel. The flames burn but the finsihed product is beautiful and indestructable.

6:39 AM  
Blogger Aine said...

It's going to be okay in the end, honey. I know it.

10:57 AM  
Blogger SassyFemme said...

Also remember that we are never given more than we can handle; even if it doesn't seem like we can handle it at the time.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

What everyone else said and more.

It's that eternal and awful conundrum: shit happens. Because it does. And often, shit happens in the middle of other shit. WHich is precisely what's ahppening here. Minerva is right -- it's random. RANDOM. None of it is a sign of anything...

You can handle it -- you are strong and centred -- even if you don't feel it. I'm here to remind you.

Much love


4:05 PM  
Blogger bee said...

okay. first, i agree with everything that everyone has already said - although i agree that sometimes, to hear "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger" sentiments at the time when you feel weakest can seem like a kick in the face. (i don't mean to offend anyone by saying that!)
i like to think at times like this that the universe is just testing you, making sure that you actually need what you want, if that makes any sense. but i know you do, even just from knowing you through your blog, and deadly - please know that you can rely on our faith in you if your own faith in yourself falters.
i don't even know if i'm making sense. i just feel for you.
one last thing: the universe is NOT telling you to stay with dh. he seems to be a right abusive t**t and nobody deserves to stay/be with him.
much love.

4:34 PM  
Blogger moonwhispers said...

First, Breathe.
It is hard to think clearly when you are in a panic.

Second, talk to your love when you can, write to her when you can't.
Talk to her in your head, in your dreams when you can't write.

What is happening in your lives is really just normal stuff...shitty stuff, but normal. Your reactions are heightened because your support system is out of balance because she is not with you.

You have everything you need to cope, to endure, to make it through all of this. It is inside of you, it is strong, it is real.

You will get through all that comes your way, you will be "together" in the one way you aren't at this moment.

4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honey I know how you feel, and I know that Cat knows how you feel. In reality S doesn't need to find reasons to stay or leave, she wouldn't be there if here heart wasn't completely with you. Like Cat says "Baby, it's not this is the easiest relationship. There is nothing keeping me here but love." So take a few deep breathes and smile knowing that you have the most loving, caring, beautiful woman loving you unconditionally.

5:21 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Calm down, girl.
Take a breath. A deeeeeeeep one.
Do it again if you need to.

I'm huggin' ya!

5:36 PM  

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