Thursday, April 13, 2006

denial or devastation?


He arrived home at 3pm this afternoon - 6 hours ahead of his expected time. The atmosphere was fraught, tense. We were civil enough on the outside, talking about work and home, but there was a definite friction in the air.

He suggested we all go out to have dinner - for a variety of reasons I really didn't want to go. I was grubby and tired, had a lot to do, and in all honestly did not want to play 'happy families'. I suggested instead that he took the children to the cinema but he was adamant that he wanted the whole family to go out together.

The children were playing at a friend's house and I asked him to collect them for me, which he did without a fuss.

Then the phone rang - it was my friend, C. She told me that he had just left with the children and was on his way home. I thought it was a curious reason for her to call me. She went on to tell me that he had talked to her, about the marriage. He had asked her what she knew, what I had said, what I was feeling. She was, thankfully, discreet - and told him that of course we had spoken (he knew that from me anyway) but that it wasn't her place to tell him what we had spoken of. But in a nutshell he had announced that he didn't want to lose me and was prepared to do whatever was necessary to keep me. He even struggled with tears. He told her he has nothing other than the children and I, his life would be over. But he also admitted that he knew the marriage was over - even though he couldn't accept it. C very gently told him that he had to try and accept it and he had to move on.

I feel bad that she has been involved in this, she has been a good friend of mine for a long time and I really didn't expect that he would drag her into the midst of it all. I apologised to her. She was fine about it, she's a good friend.

On his return home, he said nothing about his conversation with her and I didn't mention it either. We ate dinner at home, I had some jobs to do that kept me in the kitchen for quite a while after dinner and he sat in the lounge watching a DVD with the children. There has been very little conversation between us, although what there has been has remained polite and civil. He went to bed a short time ago.

Ironically, when I walked into the lounge to sit down for a short while, he had one of the music channels on. As I walked in, this song was playing. It's by a band called The Streets, and is called Dry Your Eyes. Reading the lyrics does not do this song justice. Listen to it if you get chance. The moment was not wasted on either of us, although not a word was spoken.

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground
Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down
World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she's lookin' down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin', my life is crashin' before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me
There's things I can't imagine doin', things I can't imagine seein'
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word
'Cause everythin's just gone
I've got nothin'
Absolutely nothin'

Tryin' to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin' to change what she's sayin'
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I'm not gonna fuckin', just fuckin' leave it all now
'Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You're well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

I know in the past I've found it hard to say
Tellin' you things, but not tellin' straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now.


Blogger Sapphire said...

Baby I love you so so much.

He's just going to have to accept things. He said previously that he doesn't love you the way a wife deserves to be loved. How, then, can he expect you to want to stay in a marriage without love, let alone without all of the other things you deserve?

He just never expected the game to be over and now it is.

C is a fantastic friend and no matter how we try to prevent friends from getting caught in the middle, I have a feeling C wouldn't want to be anywhere else. She cares a lot for you.

I love you baby. xxx

10:52 PM  
Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

x is all, mate

12:08 AM  
Blogger Sis B said...

I swear, sweetheart, OF did the same thing. We had family over for dinner, I had already announced that I wanted to leave and we were just going through the motions until I had a place to stay.

He stood up at the dinner table, said "I have something to say. Everyone knows that Sis and I have had some rough times, and I just want to say right here and now that I'm willing to do EVERYTHING to keep this family together."

His sister started crying, I sat there in horror and barely managed to raise my glass as he called for a toast.

It's all part of it, dear. For me, when he was like that, it was the most difficult. You're strong, stay forward, and don't fall for his bullshit. He'll show his true colors again soon enough.

12:26 AM  
Blogger lecram sinun said...

DF, I feel for all of you... but the path now is forward. Stay strong.

6:50 AM  
Anonymous clare said...

I dont know what to say
I guess you know its all part of the game. The game your not playing anymore remember?

8:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that almost had me in tears. I've heard that song before but never really lingered over the words. Sending huge hugs!

11:15 AM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

Thinking of you.... you are being very strong.

1:27 PM  
Blogger moonwhispers said...

you are strong, and you know what is true and right. remember what your purpose is, do not let him sway you with his words. Even if he believes what he is saying at the moment, you know that trusting him to change is not something that is viable or real. Do the best thing for yourself and your children.

That song is intense. I am still working out how i feel about it.

but you are being strong and right. Brava dear DF, Brava.

big hugs

2:54 PM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

Sounds like he's on his way to accepting that the marriage has expired. At least, I sure hope that's the case.

I can't imagine what things are like for you, but you're hanging tough. You're a strong woman.


4:47 PM  
Blogger 40spoet said...

gather your strength from your internet friends. i am sending positive vibes across the pond for you.

5:11 PM  
Blogger natty68 said...

*hugs* hon

I cant listen to The Streets "Dry Your Eyes" as thats the song that is sinonimous when John and I split up. We both agreed it was very apt, and that it would always be our song and would always remind us of when we split up back in 2004. Afraid everytime I listen to it now I just cry and always think of John. :(

11:59 PM  
Blogger Meepers said...

Dear Deadly,

I stumbled over here from The Language of Eyes and Tounges and have spent a few days reading your archives. Wow! I just want to drop you a note and say a few things:
1) I think you are a strong and amazingly gifted person. You are going to make it through this crappy time with S and your kids and come out on the "other side" so much better.

2) Your husband is so obviously in the depths of an abusive cycle that only you can break free of. Totally aside from you and S' relationship, you and those kids need to get to a safe place asap!

I predict that you're going to find that your friends and family are even better than you realize they are in the next few months or years. Also: He WILL in all likelihood, get really nasty when you split officially. Even though he's been "gone" for years - the male pride factor will kick in eventually and he's going to try and pull all kinds of s***. Don't let him get into your head (I know, easier said than done)!

3) I love, love, love your blog title/song - I notice that you like James (love!) and the Stone Roses (love!) - Do you like Echo & the Bunnymen?

Yours truly from across the pond and the country! Meepers

10:51 PM  
Blogger thordora said...

that is a very apt song.

Eat some chocolate. Have some fun somewhere.

12:23 PM  
Anonymous fre said...

dont buy his crocodile tears

1:44 PM  
Blogger Aine said...


11:46 AM  

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