Wednesday, April 26, 2006

just the way i'm feeling


I got an email from a close friend today. She knows about the state of my marriage but not about ~S~. My reply pretty much sums things up....

Thanks for your email....

How am I honestly? I'm not good.

It all blew up a few weeks ago when he spent all Sunday in the pub after just disappearing from the house. When he came home he threw his wedding ring at me across the kitchen and announced he was leaving. I told him okay, just go. That threw him totally and he started to backtrack but I realised that I meant it and I wanted him to go. He ended up taking three days off work to try and sort things out with me - we talked but I made my feelings quite clear. I agreed though that I wouldn't make any major decisions until after Easter, just so that we didn't unsettle eldest child before the event.

In that time he has tried, to a certain extent. But there have been lots of times when the aggressive DH returns and that unsettles me. Even though he's been making an effort, it's just not in the right way - he bought me chocolates for Easter but only as an afterthought - and he even told me he was hoping to get an egg cheap on Easter Saturday but they had all sold out. He might be trying in that way, but it's the other little things like not making me a drink or a sandwich one night when I had been out to see eldest childs' coach, had driven for 5 hours and didn't get home until after 10pm. He sat on the couch watching TV while I made my own drink. It's little gestures like that which really tell me the truth.

After we got back from the event on Sunday he sat down and practically demanded answers from me - I can understand that he needs to know but we were both tired, I was starting with a stinking cold and it just wasn't the best time. When I told him that my feelings hadn't changed and that I just didn't love him he started to talk aggressively again - he told me he had seen a solicitor (which is fair enough - I'm glad he has) but then started threatening to get the children out of bed to tell them that it's over. As soon as he drags the children into it I weaken - he knows my instinct is to protect them above anything else.

He also seems hellbent on wanting me to hurt him - I have tried to tell him gently that I don't love him, but he won't accept it or listen to me. I don't have any attraction to him now - certainly not sexually - but I haven't yet told him this as I know it will hurt him and as daft as it sounds I am trying to hurt him as little as I can. But it's almost like he's backing me into a corner so that I have to say hurtful things before he will accept it.

Last night, and tonight, things are strained to say the least. Once again he is hardly speaking to me but instead of trying to smooth things over (as I would have done in the past) I have given up making the effort. Last night I sat in the lounge to watch TV and he went upstairs after half an hour, without a word, to watch a DVD. Tonight, I am sat in the other room on the PC and he is watching TV in the lounge. Although we are being civil we must only have exchanged a dozen sentences since he came home from work. I feel really cruel, but I am beyond making an effort now - I think he may have been confusing the fact that I am being 'normal' towards him with me wanting to make a go of things. I hate being like this, but at least if I am not making any effort he can't help but see that things aren't recoverable.

I'm just so tired with everything, I just want to run away and disappear. I'm clock-watching, counting the hours until he comes home, but not with pleasure - it's with dread. I hate it all so much and just want to be able to get on with my life with the children.

Please don't think you have upset me - you really haven't. I really value and need your friendship more than ever before right now. I'm fighting with myself, I can see myself withdrawing from everyone just because it's all too painful to deal with. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. As much as I want to reach out to you and to my other friends, I am finding it so hard to do because I am worried that you will get fed up of hearing about this all the time. It's just not going away and it's not getting any better and I hate being such a drain on everyone's emotions. So if I don't text or I don't email, it's not for any reason other than my own stupidity and the fact that I find it so hard to ask for help. I know you want to be there for me - and you are being - I'm trying not to push anyone away but I am so low right now. All I want to do is hide from the world but I know that is the worst thing that I could do.

Thanks for your email, I really do appreciate it.

Much love to you all.

DF xx

He went to bed almost three hours ago and right now, despite my exhaustion, I am avoiding going to bed because I don't want to sleep in the same space as him. Something must change soon - I've got to make him see that this isn't going to get any better - I just don't know how.


Blogger Sapphire said...

I love you baby and I wish I could do so much more for you. But you know that.


3:00 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Stick to your ex pulled all that crap, too. You just have to reach the point where you put your foot down, keep it down, and tell him if he tells those kids without you present and/or in an inappropriate way so as to make it even more difficult than it will already be, then you will see a solicitor at your first chance and be sure the courts or whatever are made aware of exactly what he did.....and it's not going to help him, that's for sure. Unless the courts are drastically different over there.


You so need out of this situation.

4:17 AM  
Blogger Minerva said...

Absolutely agree with what Belle said...
And DF, you are doing SO well... This is the ultimate loneliness, isn't it? Being with someone you don't want to be with any more... You can be lonelier in a marriage than anywhere else - believe me, I have been there...

Get out, go and see your friends, be with them. Yes, it is hard, but true friends WILL be pleased to listen. In a way, it is similar to cancer, I think everyone is fed up of the subject, but actually my friends tell me that they are the judges of that...

Let your friends tell you if it is enough. You need them, and your strength relies on being pumped up by them...

Don't cut them out now..

Thinking of you, and here for you anytime you want,


12:43 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Hi there

I agree with the last comment - you need to see a good divorce and family solicitor. This is an energy drawing relationship and it seems you are the one giving all the time. From what little I have read you need to withdraw before your confidence gets drained altogether. There is nothing wrong with feeling as you do. Take care now.
Kate xx

1:28 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

So much of what you wrote I can identify with.... I personally do not think you are cruel or daft....

Just keep going my friend.

3:06 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

Yes you do need out of this awful situation. Now that Easter is past isn't he supposed to finding another living situation?

3:39 PM  
Anonymous hellbunny said...

Its such a difficult time for you.Good luck.

4:51 PM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

How about sleeping in the spare room?

Stay strong, honey...

5:32 PM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

Even after making a mockery of your marriage I'm just so bloody amazed you're kind and thoughtful enough to want to maintain civility (though it's probably the best thing for the kidlets). Good for you! Way to not drag yourself into the gutter with him.

You're a strong, amazing woman!


5:57 PM  
Blogger bee said...

wow, df. i'm not sure what to say except that i'm sending you all the strength i can to get through this next step.
good luck, sweetie. i'm thinking of you.

6:52 PM  
Anonymous Ratty said...

Hey lovely, sorry I haven't been around much, work has been driving me nutso. Wish I could do or say something to help :( If I was any closer to you I'd drive 'round with a load of creme failsafe in any crisis ;)

Hang in there, it'll all be reet xx

10:22 PM  
Blogger Alyssa De Jour said...

I was about to say what Minx said - it may be a good idea to sleep in a separate room. It at least gets the ball rolling towards actual separation, and you are reinforcing to him the clear message it is over. It makes it real, tangible. At the moment it is only words and discomfort, sleeping in a separate bed is a clear distinct message.

6:33 AM  

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