Thursday, April 27, 2006

out

OUT

Oh my. I came out.

Some of you may have already read ~S~ blog and her post on it while I was away last week.

I still can't quite believe that I did it.

I wasn't even drunk. I'd had one glass of wine, C and I were talking - she was telling me some private stuff that had recently gone on in her life, and we were chatting about my marriage. It just felt right to tell her.

She's half-known that I had 'someone' in my life for a while now - I half told her back in October - but she didn't know any specifics.

She knows everything now.

She knows who, where, and how.

She reacted far better than I ever could have hoped - she took it all wonderfully in her stride and said that she was so happy for me.

It meant that I could be quite open about communicating with ~S~ over the week that I was away - I didn't have to hide away to message her or speak to her. At one point, I'd just come off the phone to ~S~ and C said that she had never seen me so happy in all the time she has known me (and that's a long time). She said I glowed with happiness. I feel like I glow when I am talking to her - I have that lovestruck teenager thing going on, but with an age difference. Even after nine months, I'm still smitten - more than ever before. It just grows stronger day by day.

C played devils advocate with me - she's like that. She challenges me to think, but in a good way.

She asked me if I was just seeking a sexual experience with a woman. You see, C is quite experimental sexually. She's happily married, with a healthy sex life. She passed comment that she would love to be with a woman, but for her it is all about the sexual experience and nothing more.

I know that it's different for me. If I wanted to be with a woman then, without being over-confident, I know that there are women that I could be with tomorrow. All I would need to do would be to send out the right signals. In fact, when I first mentioned to C that my 'someone' was a woman, her initial response was to assume that it was one of my other friends whom we both know to be bisexual. I soon put her straight on that, if you will excuse the pun.

Back to my point, though. I don't just want to be with any woman. I want to be with ~S~. I'd rather not be with anyone if I couldn't be with her. It's that simple. It's not about the sexual experience - although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bothered about that - obviously I am, but there is so much more than just that.

C looked at me long and hard after I told her this. She thought for a while and said, quite clearly..

'You've found your soulmate'

16 Comments:

Blogger Wenchy said...

Powerful writing there. You have found your soulmate.

12:42 AM  
Blogger Shaun said...

I can only say what I want when I'm drink... kewl that you had the courage to do so otherwise. It's a hard thing to do. Be courageous that is.

2:18 AM  
Blogger moonwhispers said...

that you have...and she too.

than you so much both of you for having the courage to share your love with us as well.

big hugs

3:53 AM  
Blogger lecram sinun said...

Ahhh... friends. What would we do without them. :)

4:08 AM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

Well i knew *that*!

All power to you for having the courage to come out. I wish it wasn't necessary, and that society permitted us to be open and honest about our sexuality from the get-go, but there is still an automatic assumption that everyone is heterosexual -- particularly if they're married.

But once again, you dealt with the situation with courage and honesty.

Yay you, DF. You make me proud to be your friend!

8:19 AM  
Anonymous zanne said...

yay! how wonderful! i'm so happy for you!!! this really made my day!

1:46 PM  
Blogger Sis B said...

i'm so proud of you and so glad you have such a good friend! i'm glad she played devil's advocate, i'm glad she supported you, i'm glad she sees in person what the rest of us see here in the blog world. fantastic!

2:16 PM  
Blogger bee said...

i'm so happy for you both.
i'm glad you were able to come out to such a wonderful friend, too.
yay for df and ~s~!

2:17 PM  
Anonymous hellbunny said...

Its so beautiful reading your posts about how you and ~s~ feel about each other.Your both so lucky to of found each other.

5:35 PM  
Blogger SassyFemme said...

I'm really glad you were able to talk to someone, in person, about your life. I'm really glad it went so well. Very interesting she was able to see, just through your observations and reflections, that you've found your soulmate. Good stuff!

9:38 PM  
Blogger Chardy May Cosmo said...

I am so utterly happy for you. The relief you must be feeling from just telling one person. I can't imagine.

6:34 PM  
Blogger Aine said...

'You've found your soulmate'

Aww. How fantastic. :)
xoxo

7:28 PM  
Blogger jazzy said...

It must have been such a releif to finally tell someone. It's difficult to keep something so important to yourself all the time.

9:46 PM  
Blogger saratoga said...

glad to see you are still alive, and your children are well.

I'm guessing you will not want to hear this, but, I think your friend "C" is overly affected by you. and the drama and emotion you carry and impart to her now.

again, btdt. it is 'impossible' to know for certain that you have found your soulmate online. yes, even with phone calls. humans require time, shared space, and a great degree of in-person comfort to make relationships work.

I recently read a wonderful piece inthe wall st journal entitled 'mismatch.com.' It detailed many examples of horrifically bad online 'soulmates' who divorced within months or years.

we can reach more people online. we can find kindred spirits who resonate with much of us online. but living with someone happily ever after takes so much, much more....

I do wish you the best, and happiness for you and your children. I also wish you honestly and candor. hope what is best for you happens.

1:38 AM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

How freaking awesome! It really is like having a huge load lifted off your chest isn't it?!

5:48 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

See? True friends understand.
*nodding*
Yay!!

5:38 PM  

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