Tuesday, April 11, 2006

what to say?


Somehow I became sidetracked.

I remember the evening I started writing this blog. I didn't ever truthfully expect that anyone would really read it. All I ever wanted from it was a place where I could explore my feelings for ~S~.

In actual fact that seems to be the one thing that I have done very little of - because my feelings for her are crystal clear.

Of late, though, it has become a chronicle of a breaking marriage - something I genuinely did not envisage.

DH is away again right now. He's away until Thursday evening. He called me this morning - I was in the shower at the time, but leapt out wondering who the hell was calling at 7.50am. I should have known. I know he's pushing me for a definitive answer - he commented rather nonchalantly this morning that he supposed I preferred it when he was away. Refusing to be drawn, I simply replied that I was certain he didn't want to have that particular conversation over the phone.

~S~ and I have been exploring our relationship in a little more depth, talking about our flaws and failings. I know I have many faults - I openly admit to them - and I can also see that ~S~ has her faults too. I'm not so blinded by love that I think she's beyond fault. We've talked about some of these faults, been honest with each other, and I've shared some of my fears with her about our relationship. We wouldn't be human if we didn't have fears.

But one thing that we have in complete abundance is an ability to communicate well. Tonight, when I got home, I was in a bad mood. I'd had a rotten few hours and was feeling stressed, anxious and tired. In turn, she had had a horrible morning at work and was also feeling grumpy and out-of-sorts. I messaged her when I got back, and for a few minutes we were just a little irritable - nothing obvious, not from the spoken words - it was more in the unspoken words. It lasted no more than two or three minutes before we simultaneously realised what was happening, took a step back and a deep breath, and started again.

There's not a night that goes by when I don't wish she was here with me. When I'm alone in bed, a pillow and a scrunched up duvet makes an inadequate substitute.


Anonymous jd's rose said...

Awww, it won't be long. I think that you two are made for each other. The good bits and the bad bits. The love that you feel is very evident. It's pure. It's nice.


1:37 AM  
Blogger bee said...

oh, sweetie.

this post made my heart swell for you(because the love you share is one-of-a-kind and so beautiful) but i can't imagine the loneliness you feel.

i'm hoping the duvet does a little bit of a better job tonight. take care.

2:51 AM  
Blogger straighttalker05 said...

I sometimes wonder how people coped in the time before blogs....

11:51 AM  
Blogger Sis B said...

yes, pillows and quilts don't do so good, either. i even tried snuggling with the cat (it has a heartbeat) and that didn't satisfy.
if you come up with something that makes you feel less alone when you lay down, let me know.

til then, i have one word: webcams. as soon as you're free to do as you wish, invest in decent webcams. it is INCREDIBLE to have face time every day.

1:20 PM  
Blogger Christie said...


3:32 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

September,September,September is all I can say. I am a sucker for true love also. *sigh* Oh and maybe it'll be easier if he's gone for good as of next week. Sending you peaceful, happy vibes.

4:05 PM  
Anonymous hellbunny said...

We all have our faults.When you love someone you love those as well.

4:23 PM  
Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

My pillow is sulking at the moment, pah!

4:28 PM  
Blogger Bent Fabric said...

Every morning you're one day closer to being with her. Hang on to that. You've come this far, sweetie, just a little bit longer.


5:34 PM  
Blogger Chelle said...

It's good that you both can communicate so well. Admitting your faults and acceoting faults in each other is a good thing. You will get it all straightened away :) ANd before long, you wotn need the pillow! :)

7:19 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

Communication is key in all relationships.

5:03 PM  

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