Wednesday, May 17, 2006

wobbly days


I'm having a fair few of these this week, so it seems.

Yesterday I cried - properly cried - on 6 separate occasions. Red eyes and no mascara became the look of the day.

The Estate Agent (a very nice, professional man) called around to take photos and measurements (of the house, not of me!) and was lucky that I didn't blub all over him too. Fortunately for him, and for my embarrassment levels, I hid in the garage sorting out boxes of stuff to take, to leave, for him, for throwing out. I managed to accomplish quite a lot, actually, once I'd wiped the tears away. The dust was an added bonus - it gave me something to blame my swollen eyes on when I did the school run.

Today, the Chair of Governors at school was initially responsible for opening the tear ducts. She collared me (not literally) in the cloakroom and asked why I'd not sent out some documents I'd promised to send out a couple of weeks ago. I momentarily considered an excuse such as 'my printer is out of ink' or 'the (non-existent) dog ate the draft copy' but found myself blurting out about the separation instead.

The odd thing is that it's sympathy that makes me cry. I'm not crying about the separation - hell, that's such a relief - it's more the stress of everything I have to organise, coupled with that sad, sympathetic 'poor you' look that people give me as they lay their hand comfortingly on my shoulder and tell me that I know where they are if I need them.

The 'For Sale' sign went up today. That was an odd and teary moment too. I love this house and if there was anything I could do to stay here then I would. But I'm realistic and know that financially it's just not feasible. Doubtless, right now, the neighbours are all gossiping. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.

So it's been a wobbly and emotional few days, all in all. When I'm calm, I think of ~S~. My friend, C, the one that knows about us, always asks how she is. It's so nice to have someone I can talk to face to face who knows what is going on. Even I know how much my face lights up when I talk about her - it's like the sun coming out on a rainy day.

~S~ has been her usual, incredible, self. Since he moved out (although he still comes for dinner every night to see the children) we have had so much more freedom to talk. She gets home from work around the time I go to bed and so I get a goodnight phone call to send me happily into the land of slumber. Every morning I am woken with her voice, once again, welcoming me into the day. Having the freedom to do that is incredible.

Speaking of the land of slumber (were we?) I had the most bizarre dream last night. It involved giving birth to 20 - yes 20 babies. Four sets of quintuplets, as I recall. Very odd. Most certainly not prophetic in any way, shape or form.

Oh, before I go to make myself an exciting mug of hot water, I owe you all an apology. I still haven't visited you all - I feel neglectful and bad. I'm relying so heavily on your support right now but I haven't even managed to pop in to see any of you. I'm so sorry. I'm hoping that things will - eventually - calm down, at which point I will be back with a vengeance and maybe a witty comment or two. Don't hold your breath about the wit though....


Blogger SassyFemme said...

I know what you mean about crying when people are being nice/sympathetic, I'm like that too. It's like you want to tell them to stop being nice! :)

And quit apologizing for not getting to blogs, you DO have a life going on! :)

9:50 PM  
Blogger art said...

You shouldn't feel bad about visiting as you have enough things going on right now yourself. Glad to see you are still hanging in there. I got a little worried when you hadn't posted for several days. peace~art

10:17 PM  
Anonymous rae said...

I rarely leave comments on anyone's blog (guess that reflects my quiet nature in real life) but I do want you to know that you're in my thoughts too and I know you can get through whatever comes your way. It's amazing what we're capable of withstanding.


10:38 PM  
Blogger Junebugg said...

I've been working 7-12s for weeks and haven't been around either. I'm so glad that you're doing OK. The tears are to be expected, you're under major stress and the great unknown is looming before you. I'm so proud of the way you're handling things.

10:53 PM  
Blogger 40spoet said...

its all good, df. you are sorting things and we are all here for ya! rest and take care of you.

10:46 AM  
Blogger natty68 said...

*hugs* sweetie, you visit us when you feel up to it, and dont worry about it..K?

11:45 AM  
Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

good, never mind, I cry at everything (I daren't watch tv with people I don't know),

and can I have one, 19's plenty for anyone?

1:13 PM  
Blogger airplanejayne said...

During my divorce, it was that "sympathetic look" that made me cry too. I was glad for their support and all, but "the look" would send me into a wobbly! Good luck...

1:29 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

I am just glad that things are going well for you. The crying is natural. A stress-reliever if you will. Yo go girl! Live Love Laugh!

3:02 PM  
Blogger Minerva said...

Stop apologising sweetie - life is heading your way at a vengeance!
Know what you mean about sympathy - easier to get them to laugh about it..but the tears do need to come out too...

Make sure you are getting enough rest too - they always flow quicker when you are tired...

3:23 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

The reasons for the break-up aside... I felt that I almost had the mourn the loss of a dream.

We do not get married with the thought of divorce.... we want to live happily ever after and when that doesn't happen... the dream dies.

Look after you.

3:28 PM  
Blogger lo sciocco said...

i remember those same feelings very well. just keep breathing. be gentle with yourself. and try not to push yourself too hard.


7:44 PM  
Blogger Sasha said...

*hugs* from your petal, right here.

Promise to visit me first when you have time? :)

8:51 AM  
Anonymous clare said...

take care of you first

5:22 PM  
Anonymous Addict said...

Keep hanging in there sweetie... don't worry about not getting to us right now... remember, this blog is for YOU... don't worry about us.
You are doing a great job, just breathe and take good care of YOU when ever you have the opportunity to, it's important.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

The wobbly days are all part of it I'm afraid...and they become less wobbly as time goes on.

I remember when I split up with my husband, I wanted everyone to know. I just wanted it out there and in a hurry...I didn't want to have to go through telling everyone seperately..just wanted it done and move on. I told one friend and said "Now go tell everyone" as I sobbed on her shoulder.

Dealing with selling the house is stressful enough, let alone the split on top of it. But the support you have from us here and your other friends in real life that know the true story, will be tantamount to your determination to get through it all.

You're doing great wonderful that you and S have the freedom to be in contact whenever you want. That alone must be so fabulous!


12:27 AM  
Blogger Sis B said...

i am SO proud of you, and the wobbly days will become fewer, though you may have them for quite some time. don't apologize for not visiting, that's silly and not something for you to worry about right now.

*leans forward and pats you reassuringly on the shoulder* you know where to find me if you need me. ;)

3:33 AM  

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