Sunday, October 15, 2006

17 (just some Stuff and nonsense)

Strop and Tink think my life is incomplete without a man in it. They want me to have a boyfriend.

This has come about because XH broke the news to them yesterday that he has a new girlfriend. Apparantly she has long blonde hair, is almost 1o years younger than him and it's 'serious'.

I've known about Stuff (as she will hereafter be known) for a little while. In fact I knew before he told me. I knew the night he wrote off his car after driving in his usual reckless manner. That is a post all on it's own, believe you me. When I enquired, genuinely concerned, how he was going to get home from the lonely, deserted road (his car still spinning on it's roof in a ditch), I was told that a 'friend' was going to give him a lift. Credit me with some intelligence will you, I know ALL your friends so using such a vague term is obviously going to flag up little flashing 'new woman' lights. I thought it quite amusing that he was keeping her existence a secret from me.

However, when our mobile phone company called me about a month later (both phone contracts are in my name) to tell me that they were 'concerned' about the level of calls on the contract he uses, and that there had been an escalation in the bill from 25 to almost 400 (that's English pounds) in the course of a month, and since I knew that he hadn't been calling the girls, my suspicions were confirmed. Call me twisted, but I did gain just a little pleasure from calling him to inform him of his astronomical bill. Yes, I did draw it out just a little by telling him to claim the calls back from his employers since he must have been using the phone for business purposes. Yes, I did smile to myself when the word 'fuck' slipped out of his mouth.

He met Stuff on a blind date, so it seems, and it seems they are serious. On the one hand I am happy for him (not least since it takes the pressure off me) but on the other hand I am rapidly discovering that he can effortlessly sideline his daughters - supposedly the most important people in his life - to spend time with Stuff. Doubtless I will rant about this again in the future, I don't think it's going to go away.

Anyway, out of respect to him, I didn't tell the girls about Stuff. He said he had no plans to introduce them to each other for quite a while. He also slipped up and said that Stuff didn't want to meet them yet anyway. I will try to ignore the warning bells that go off in my mind at that comment, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now. So, I maintained a discreet silence about Stuff, and also studiously ignored the numerous little digs about how he is now 'sleep deprived'. Men. Base.

I'm not going to rant today about the way he now lies about his whereabouts so that he can spend time with her instead of spending time with his daughters (whom, incidentally, he hasn't seen for 21 days now), nor will I rant about the way he has cut short the week he planned to spend with them at half-term (it's now only going to be 4 days) citing the fact that a week will be 'too much' for him. Nothing to do with the fact that he plans instead to spend a few days taking her away, something he can do any weekend he chooses whereas the girls only have limited time with him because of that little committment called school.

Stop me ranting, please. I sound bitter and that's not me at all. I'm just shocked at the speed with which he can casually slip them aside.

I'm digressing now (don't I always) . Yesterday he told Strop and Tink about Stuff. Tink wanted to know how old Stuff was and called him last night specifically to ask him, a question he tried hard to evade but Tink is persistent. I could almost hear him squirming - clearly he is a little sheepish about the almost-10-year age gap since she had to ask him several times. Tink is not a child to be put off easily.

The girls seem to be fine about this new relationship. Strop cleverly observed that maybe 'dad won't be quite so bad tempered now'.

However, it has raised a previously non existent thought in their minds and they now are of the opinion that I should have a boyfriend. This raises a whole mass of possibilities. I reassured them that I was, in fact, quite content without a man in my life. MCat is more than man enough for me. Actually, that's not strictly true since MCat is without two little appendages, but he does have a male presence and that will do.

Not to be distracted by a mere cat, the girls continue on their mission, Strop even suggesting that I try Joking around that everyone now has girlfriends, I threw out the very very very casual suggestion that maybe I should get a girlfriend instead. They laughed and said no way. So, a little more blatantly I commented that there was no way I could have a boyfriend since ~S~ was coming back to live with us.

That did the trick, they are both quite pacified now. I can't have a girlfriend but I can have ~S~

I'm more than happy with that arrangement.


Blogger Sapphire said...

You don't need a girlfriend. A fiancee is all you need. :oP

Gotta love Tink and her persistence. She's a card sometimes.

I love you - and them.


10:07 AM  
Anonymous Gert said...

A few years ago I was at a male friend's wedding. In the speeches, there were the usual thanks, including to the Bride's Mother and "Jane". There was also the customary thought for "those who can't be with us" - the groom's mother and the bride's father, both deceased.

I wondered who "Jane" was and enquired vaguely among my group, some of whom, groom (and bride) were born-again-Xtians.

"Oh, she's Bride's Mother's Friend, she lives with them..." 'them' being Bride up until the day, and two younger brothers. In a 3-bedroomed semi.

I assumed that "Jane" was Mother's Partner, and intended to make further enquiries, but on honeymoon they had a horrendous car accident that left Groom with a metal plate in his head, off work for six months, and some memory loss, then time went by and it no longer seemed timely to ask the question, and I forgot. But I was curious, because of that homophobic strand of born-agains (which my friends didn't possess, once they'd entered the Real World post-school) yet nobody seemed to mind or question although nobody actually said that Bride's Mum and "Jane" were partners/lovers. But being younger and naiver I was surprised at the existence of middle-aged dykes in suburban Nottingham ...

12:50 PM  
Blogger doctorlucy said...

You have the cutest girls in the world!
And seeing what they're like with ~S~ you have no worries there! You guys make an amazing family, and let's face it... give them a few years and they'll come to the conclusion that women are far better off without having a man around anyway!
Hugs to you all!

4:41 PM  
Blogger jromer said...

if i may be so bold, i'm not surprised at how he is behaving regarding 'stuff' i've been reading your posts and although there is always two sides to every story, he just didn't seem to be a very considerate man to you. why would he be so much better as a parent. now it's evident, maybe since you are not around to pick up the slack. my parrents divorced, as did all my friends' parents and it was the rare father who became a good parent of his own standing. it never seemed obvious how lousy they were until they didn't have the woman's skills blending and thus hiding what little they did. do i sound bitter? maybe. do i care? no. i have found for the most part, great people are few and far between. and then you break that down...and reliability is simply something that comes more from women (not all women mind you) then men. at least in emotional matters.

9:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm really happy for you. Glad things have worked out wonderfully with S and you both enjoyed yourselves on her visit. Lots more good times for you to look forward to! :)


11:00 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

I don't know if I agree with DrLucy or not in "women are better off without a man around anyway" :) but I am glad that the girls are very happy ~S~ is coming back to live with y'all!
It saddens me when I see so many men who can seemingly toss their children aside like playthings when there comes a new romance on the horizon never mind a second family. Be strong for the girls.

6:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bless them. Your kids are great. :)

But him? Oh, it's like reading about my Dad and The Sod all rolled into one and well, Gah!

9:33 PM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

I can relate to so much in this post... I think of you often and hope you are doing okay.

9:51 PM  
Anonymous hellbunny said...

Its amazing how men can toss everything aside for sex.Which i guess is basically all it is with Stuff.Love is something that comes with getting to know the other person and its not just sex.Which is something men forget sometimes.And to miss out on the unconditional love of a child is so sad.

4:29 PM  
Blogger a fish on a bycicle said...

Lord save us from inquisitive children...go Tink, go!

4:56 PM  
Blogger 'Tina Sparkle' said...

Hi last, someone who recognises tina sparkle!!! sorry i havent had chance to comment b4 now, but this week has been hell on earth! I've been reading your blog and i love it! I think you are as funny, if not funnier, than the blog you linked to! i'll be checking back regularly!

11:03 PM  
Blogger Miz BoheMia said...

You should read Mama E, my surrogate mama back home in SF who was married to a man, had 5 kids, left him and fell in love with a woman, Wonder Woman, my other surrogate mama... I think you'd like her!

As for the whole father thing... I was on the receiving end of it all as a child... men, unfortunately, can be quite callous jackasses... thank goodness the girls are with you! I could not fathom not seeing my babies for so long. You might as well kill me!

5:55 AM  
Anonymous leen said...

my ex has spent the 11+ years since we've divorced casually pushing our daughters aside. just keep lovin' them the only way you know how, and they'll be okay.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Kami said...

Oh honey, please. No one needs a man. "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."


I will never understand a "father" who abandons his children, though.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous thordora said...

Someone who abandons his children doesn't deserve to be called father.

I hope once the initial sex wears off he comes to his senses about the girls.

7:02 PM  
Blogger High Maintenance Femme said...

my biological father did exactly the same when my parents split up. i haven't spoken to him in five years now. Just keeping showing the kids as much love as you do already and they'll be fine.

12:34 PM  
Blogger brainhell said...


7:11 PM  
Blogger Belle said...

Some men are so stupid. My ex would always either get out of visiting his sons to go on dates, or worse yet, just get sitters and go out while they were visiting, then end up bringing the random 'girl of the week' home later. Yes, those kinds of men, and the ones who don't want to spend any time with their children disgust me.

8:27 PM  
Anonymous poet said...

i hope that things are getting a bit smoother for you, ~df~. thinking of you and sending gentle hugs from across the pond...poet

3:39 AM  
Blogger Jordan said...

No one wants to be lonely. Children are fine and good company but you do need adult male company, someone you can have sex with. I know this probably won't get published but its the truth. What we all need is good true honest love. If you didn't, his actions wouldn't bother you.

3:37 AM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

I don't mean to sound heartless, but doesn't this just confirm what you already knew about XH?


4:31 AM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

You okay?

8:36 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

I swear I commented on this post...


9:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But how will they feel when they work out that she is a little bit more than a friend.

11:03 PM  
Blogger jromer said...

hey i hope everything is all right. i've been following both you and your soul mate's blog...keeping my prayers on you two.

5:42 AM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Are you ok?

9:33 AM  
Blogger Candleshoe said...

I do hope you are OK, or will be. You are both often in my thoughts and prayers. If you need anything, you know how to find me! I and the other Shoobies miss you

11:54 PM  

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