Monday, October 31, 2005

guilt trips all round

GUILT TRIPS ALL ROUND

Well, just a little update on the situation with the car.

I sent him a text message at about 4am this morning, very pleasant and non-argumentative, asking him if he would mind leaving my briefcase, mp3 player and bluetooth headset at his office (20 miles from me) so that I could drive across and collect them when I had opportunity as I needed them this week. I also said that I did not have a problem with him taking my car, but if he had told me of his intentions I would have removed my belongings and saved me the huge inconvenience of an hours round trip to collect them. I was remarkably restrained and calm under the circumstances.

Anyway, at 8.30am he called me to say that he had left my stuff at the office. He did slip in a little dig about me leaving my stuff in my car (hmm - my stuff, my car, locked in garage, I don't see that as an issue....) but I didn't rise to the bait, wished him a good day at work and told him I would try to get over to his office before 5pm, but that I had an opticians appointment, plus work, plus committments with the children.

Then, at just after 10am I get another phone call - it seems he was feeling guilty - and had called the office to ask someone if they would stay until I arrived, just in case I was late getting across. No apology, I must add, but I could sense a little guilt in his voice. And once again, as he often is on the phone, he was remarkably civil. It just seems to be when he is actually in my physical presence that he loses his manners.

The day panned out ok - I didn't cancel today's meeting, I managed without my notes and all was fine in that respect, and after collecting the children from school we set off for his office.

Pulling into the car park I was more than a little surprised to see my car sitting there - I thought he had gone on in it. The receptionist (whom I know a little from Christmas parties) said that he had travelled with one of the other blokes and had left the keys with her. I explained that I had come to collect my belongings that he had inadvertently driven off with this morning - no, despite the temptation to moan at the receptionist, I didn't. I was restrained and made out that he hadn't realised my things were in the car - a genuine mistake, I said, through gritted teeth. She then went on to suggest that I took my car home and left his car there in the car park - there are always lots and lots of wagons pulling in and out, not to mention the fact that it is a very secluded spot, and she said that she had been surprised that he had brought my car over only to leave it parked up and vulnerable for a week. So I did. I left his keys with reception and brought my car back home again.

I haven't yet spoken to him to tell him what I have done, and no doubt I will get an earful or something similar when I do - I've no doubt that he will once again accuse me of being a selfish b**** that always wants her own way. I'll let you know how that situation pans out.

Anyway, on the way back home, I'm chatting to the children in the back of the car about their day at school and stuff, and we drive past one of eldest childs' friends' houses. Now this little friend of eldest child, let's call him P, has parents that divorced last summer. And P lives between his mum (and mum's new fiance) and his dad. Eldest child was telling me all about how P wants to really live with his dad not his mum, and how he wished both her parents were still together. So the conversation progressed and I explained to eldest child how P's parents were not happy with each other and so they had decided that it would be better for them to be apart, but that they both still loved P. Then eldest child tells me that DH had said that he would probably divorce me.

What?

So this is news to me, and keeping very calm, I asked exactly what DH had said.

It seems that coming home from a party on Saturday, eldest child had been talking about P (who was also at this party) and about P's parents divorcing and had asked DH if he was going to split up with me.

And DH's response?

Well that was to say that as we didn't ever do anything together anymore and as we argued all the time then yes we probably would get divorced.

OK, so it is quite apparant to anyone that has read this blog that my marriage is in serious trouble, with or without S being on the scene. S, and my relationship with her is an entirely separate issue to the collapse of my marriage. My marriage was on the rocks well before I even knew S, and one day soon I will explain more about that - I'm not just attempting to assuage my guilt in saying that.

But, regardless of the state of our marriage, surely I am not alone in thinking that it is irresponsible to say such things to an impressionable and vulnerable child? Of course, eldest child realises that something is amiss with mum and dad, and I don't agree with lying to children. However, I do feel that there are ways in which subjects such as divorce should be handled, and leaping in with a statement such as that, which has completely terrified eldest child, was not the wisest thing to do.

I would also have thought that he would, at the very least, have thought it worthwhile to mention this conversation to me.

Please don't think I am taking the moral high ground here - far from it - my relationship with S and my plans to be with her rather preclude me from that. But at least I am prepared, and trying, to communicate with him. I have, over the past year, if not longer, tried several times to patch up our failing marriage, and I am quite exhausted with the effort. I know that none of you are party to this knowledge, and I know you may not believe me, this is after all the internet and I could tell you anything I chose to. But I have been honest this far and have no intentions of lying on my own blog. After all, that rather defeats the purpose of having one in the first place. Whatever else you may think of me, I tell the truth.

So, it seems I have some serious talking to do with DH when he finally gets home.

10 Comments:

Blogger Romeo Jensen said...

ummm


wow!

like how stupid is... you know who... I mean the telling the kids part and all... Geesh!

well I'll be praying for you... there has to be something good that will come out of this all... Im an optimist

romey

9:33 PM  
Blogger CycleGuy said...

Did he ever, for an instant, think of what effect that information could have on DD1?

Yeah, he needs a serious talking to. If that fails, hit him over the head with a heavy object.

4:54 AM  
Blogger natty68 said...

Ok that was definately a stupid thing to talk to your DD1 about..this is going to pray on her mind for sometime to come. The least he could have done is told you so that you could broach it the best way for your daughters.

I do hope you can sort it out between you and your DH, even for the sake of the children, regardless of whether S is on the scene or not.

*hugs* honey, you know where to find me if you need me.

8:50 AM  
Blogger Sasha said...

so f*ckwit's got a big mouth too. my my, he never ceases to amaze me. but it's over and done with - he opened his mouth, and whatever came out of it is out. nothing more we can do there.

the way i see it though is this is the opening you can take advantage of. if he's contemplating divorce, at least he's the one who initiated it, not you. and don't you have alimony when the divorce comes through? that should solve, somehow, your financial dilemma, if you say you're quite dependent on him. unless i'm missing some facts here, i made sense right? hugs to you hon...

10:07 AM  
Blogger art said...

I wish you the best; now be smart and hire a lawyer

6:29 PM  
Blogger FunkyB said...

Listen, when my ex and I were in the beginning stages of our divorce, we agreed that we would tell the kids together. TOGETHER. Until then, any questions (and as you know, the kids are far more intuitive than we give them credit for) were averted with ice cream.

He's a cad. And yes, get a lawyer. He only gets to blind-side you once, but he never should have used your 8-yr old daughter to do it.

12:21 AM  
Blogger BTExpress said...

Since this my first time visiting your blog (I saw your post on mine today, so I thought I visit your to check you out. NO, not that way.) (Thanks for the nice comment, BTW) I have no background on your situation. So I may be over stepping my bounds, but I just want to give you my 2 cents here.

The guy is an jack ass, big time. WTF is he doing telling something so devastating to an 8 yo like that My folks were divorced when I was about 12. I remember my dad taking me for a walk and breaking the news to me, gently. He explain how it had nothing to do with the us (3 kids) that sometime people no longer want to stay married, they both love us, bla, bla bla...... I was upset, sure, but thinking back on it today, it was handled pretty well. Too bad DD1 was subjected to it so cold.

1:53 AM  
Blogger Carla said...

One word sums it all up: MEN! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED! That is terrible! I hope this solidifies your thoughts and feelings about this whole thing. FOLLOW YOUR GUT. I believe that female instincts are the best thing, when it comes to relationships.

3:48 AM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

1. What a fuckwit. Oof! What a stupid, ill-informed and obnoxious thing for him to do.

2. I totally understand when you say "My marriage was on the rocks well before I even knew S... I'm not just attempting to assuage my guilt in saying that" - read my archives and all will become clear.

3. You definitely have some serious talking to do with DH. But you need to be prepared. This talk could well be *the* talk, the one where you decide to split for good. I echo Art and Robin - ABSOLUTELY GET A LAWYER. You might even qualify for legal aid.

I know it's terrifying, and scary, and frightening. But have faith in yourself, DF. You are an intelligent and capable woman. You know your own mind, and you know how unhappy you have been. You can do this. Prepare yourself. I'm not a Girl Guide (i was for about 5 minutes in the early 80's - ugh! *shudder*), but it's a motto that is very pertinent at this point.

I'll be thinking of you, and am here if you need a friendly shoulder to cry on. (On or offline, you can email me at minxy.grin@gmail.com.)

Sending lots of love and sympathy and woman-power vibes...

Evil Minxxxxxxxxxx

6:21 AM  
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12:40 AM  

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